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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am i right to think that there is something odd ?

96 replies

idontknow38 · 19/10/2017 17:48

Hello. I am confused as to what to believe and i would like some perspectives please. DP is on his thirties. I am confused as what to believe about his job situation
For months now he keeps talking about how much he hates being there because "they dont appreciate him" . The manager "doesnt like him because he is afraid for his job" and "tries to blame him for everything". He kept talking about quitting because "they try to get him fired by blaming him for mistakes". This suddenly changed last week to being asked to become a manager Hmm .This changed few days ago to him wanting to quit because "they dont treat him properly". Now it changed to "the manager asked him to take his place because he will be promoted and need someone to take over". I do not understand how within a week you go from one to other
I am skeptical because i have lately realised that DP for the past 15 years hasnt held a job for more than a year. He is always "the best" but the employers are jealous, afraid, racists etc
Am i paranoid

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacle · 26/10/2017 09:45

Do you live together or have kids together? If not get out of this before he drags you down.

Dieu · 26/10/2017 09:47

I too would be concerned about his mental health.
Has he sought (occupational?) therapy, and do his problems (paranoia, commitment issues, etc) extend beyond work?

CircleofWillis · 26/10/2017 09:53

@Graphista I think we share a sister. Is there a chance we are related?

FannyFifer · 26/10/2017 14:08

How long have you been together, it’s surely not just work he bullshits about.

ToastyFingers · 26/10/2017 14:21

My BIL is like this, god's gift to the working world, gonna be director in a couple of years. Then he pisses everyone off with his nasty attitude and need for sycophantic worship and realising his attitude means he's unlikely to get promoted he turns on his manager, accuses them of being incompetent and flounces off to another job.
I don't think he's stayed anywhere much longer than a year either.

Graphista · 26/10/2017 18:04

"@Graphista I think we share a sister. Is there a chance we are related?"

Not unless you're a bloke, I've one of each, bro and I speak sort of sis I'm Nc with she's a fucking nightmare!

YouCantArgueWithStupid · 26/10/2017 18:11

I think @Finola1step has the best idea

Lavenderfly · 26/10/2017 18:12

I have a friend in a similar situation with partner and jobs. Does he lie about silly things? Brag? Name drop a lot? Exaggerate stories that you know the true version of? It could be that he is a pathological liar and you have had enough of it, particularly as it is always to do with the same subject, and it never seems to get resolved.

Finola1step · 26/10/2017 18:36

Cheers *YouCan'tArgue".

TJ2503 · 26/10/2017 18:56

Christ he sounds like my ExH!!

If your gut is telling you something is off then it most probably is.

SJN71 · 26/10/2017 21:29

@ToastyFingers - my ExH was exactly like this! A complete narcissist and full of his own importance. Never held down a job for longer than a few months as everyone was “jealous” of him and because he was “the best” and “better than the managers” didn’t want to take orders from anyone so ended up having massive rows and leaving/getting sacked. Took me ages to get away from that man OP so as the others say I would run for the hills now while you still can! My ExH is now a complete mental case since I stopped holding him up/supporting him and is now estranged from his whole family and has gone through all the divorce settlement money and is apparently “homeless”, just because he is too self-important to work (apparently he should be an “explorer” rather than a boring old worker!!!) - trust me you don’t need this kind of person in your life.

greenberet · 26/10/2017 21:32

I think this sounds like a mental health issue - he appears to be self sabotaging which is normally an indication of extremely low self esteem and depression The frequency with which he seems to be switching concerns me is he displaying any other behaviour that seems odd. It's like he has two voices going on in his head and each one is battling to come out on top - it will be the negative one unless he gets help _ he could also be on verge of a breakdown depending on how else he is behaving.

How long have you known him _ would you be able to say any of this to him

greenberet · 26/10/2017 21:37

Just one other thing op - is there any reason for him to say they are racist?

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/10/2017 21:42

I know one of these. It’s narcissistic personality disorder and exhausting.

greenberet · 26/10/2017 21:46

Complete mental case? This is us understanding and supporting mental health issues is it?

I believe this was on the news today - I last worked over 20 years ago - I suffered pTSD due to bad management and was off work for over a year. I am shocked and appalled to learn that nothing has changed in 20 years except that more and more people are struggling with MH and we still call them a mental case!

greenberet · 26/10/2017 21:47

MrsT - is this professionally diagnosed?

junebirthdaygirl · 26/10/2017 22:13

My first instinct was mental illness. He needs to see a psychiatrist. Maybe he wont want to but you need to be aware that he is mire than likely sufferi g from a mental illness.

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/10/2017 22:22

MrsT - is this professionally diagnosed?

The person concerned has been diagnosed and misdiagnosed with a whole raft of mental illnesses. I believe NPD is the most likely candidate but it depends on the day and the doctor what the current diagnosis is.

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/10/2017 22:24

I do understand the frustration with the armchair diagnoses that happen. I also think the OP's DH should talk to a professional.

TJ2503 · 26/10/2017 22:28

Greenberet - I think when you have been living with the action, behaviours and consequences of someone with an undiagnosed MH condition such as a personality disorder it can be very very difficult to remain objective. As an AHP I am understanding of MH issues and the impact they can have on my patients, however, as someone who has lived through 5 years of hell at the hands of my ExH who absolutely has a, albeit as yet undiagnosed, personality disorder (most likely narcissistic) I am totally unable to have any sympathy towards him for what he has done to me and my son and have given him every label under the sun I can think of.

To say things have not moved on in 20 years is IMO, unfair. MH is at the forefront of NHS policy with several high profile campaigns having been run. It is more openly talked about especially amongst the younger generations, and generally there is much more acceptance towards MH, I feel, in today’s society.

Bluntness100 · 26/10/2017 22:29

I can understand why you’re worried about this op. If he’s making it up then he’s in some sort of fantasy world which he believes and is clearly deluded and a fantasist.

When you say partner how involved are you? Is there kids, do you live together etc?

rockshandy · 26/10/2017 22:31

Have you posted about this before OP? Sounds really familiar.

I agree that it sounds like a mental health issue. One of my friends would tell similar crazy stories about everything. It reached a crisis point and his family staged an intervention.

He was referred for CBT and it really helped. He's just a normal person now.

Original poster
idontknow38 · 26/10/2017 22:50

Hello all and thank you for the replies. To answer the questions
i can not go to his work because i work similar hours. I think he still has a job because someone called him last night but then again he can make this up too
@Graphista thats excaclty like him. They follow the same pattern but i only recently realized that this is happening is every job
For those who talking about mental illness, i though that too when i saw how angry he gets over little things. He goes into a rage and smashes things over anything especially if you imply that he is wrong on something.Then again he is holding it together when he deals with other people , he is only acting like that towards his mum and me
@MrsTerryPratchett i have though of that after researching in the past to find a reason for his rage when you disagree with him
@greenberet i am sorry too hear about your problems, i hope it is all ok for you. He switches from one opinion to totally opposite frequently and about everything. I talked to him because its exhausting for me and makes him unreliable but he replied that its all in my head and he is just adaptable. I really dont think that his manager treats him bad, he has issues with people imply that he didnt do something right. So when the manager tells him about a mistake he made he takes it as jealousy. I tried to talk t o him about it in the past but he got sulky and then aggressive because "i dont support him and i support his enemies". I slowly just learned not to reply at all
There were times in the past that he talked about how he manipulates people and "makes them do what he wants with a smile on their face"
but at the time it didnt sink in my head.There are also times that he said randomly that he needs to see someone because he thinks he is a sociopath but this is short lived

OP posts:
Original poster
idontknow38 · 26/10/2017 22:52

I dont know if he has a valid reason to say that they are racists. Can they all be racists thought? I have seen him explaining as racism behaviors that in his mind can not be explained differently. Like the hairdresser talked to him in a wrong way because she is racist (i dont think she talked to him bad at all ) etc

OP posts:
greenberet · 26/10/2017 22:55

TJ2 - I don't know what AHP is

I have just got divorced from an abusive x who is still controlling me emotionally and financially even though he chose to end the marriage. I have been through 4 years of hell and have another 2 years til the kids are 18 before I will be free of the control. I know where you are coming from.

I don't normally get offended by terms such as this but today I have - probably as a result of hearing the news and knowing that I was told by my judge that I can return to full time employment in 2 years time at the age of 55 having had diagnosed depression for the last 20 years -probably had it before this - have been under the mental health team twice during the divorce process as I was at breaking point and I receive Pip in recognition.

To hear that more and more people are struggling in work has triggered off all my fears of how I am supposed to support myself in 2 years time when all benefits end.

With all the understanding please do not use the term mental case - it is demeaning to those of us who seek help, who would do anything not to have the symptoms we have as it affects our quality of life and who have found the courage to speak out in the hope of losing the stigma.

I agree it is high profile but I was astounded to be at a trade fair recently where the employers were only on the brink of putting in place guidelines on how to spot MH never mind know how to deal with it.

I do not believe the ops DP is narcisstic - a narc would not admit to having any flaws at all