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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Broken. How do I get through this?

94 replies

Whiteranbit1977 · 18/10/2017 21:50

I got divorced last year after my husband left me for a women he met at work. It was the most horrifically painful time of my life, my confidence was shattered and I was so so hurt. We have 1 ds who is almost 10. Six months ago, a guy bought the house next door, he had split up with his wife as she was cheating on him, they have 2 dc’s. He asked me out a couple of months after moving in and we have had the most fantastic four months together. I really really thought he was the one and I fell head over heels in love. I love you’s weren’t exchanged but I thought he felt the same. Last week he came over and told me that he was ending our relationship because he wanted to give his wife another chance as he still loved her and wanted things to work for sake of the kids. He told me that she is coming to live in the house and they are going to make a go of it. I asked him if thy would be moving any time soon and he said no they would be staying put. He asked me not to tell her about us. She moved in over the weekend and I’ve seen them in the garden playing the kids and they seem really happy. I on the other hand am broken. I can’t eat or sleep, I work from home running my own company and it’s all falling apart because I can’t concentrate. I’m crying all the time. How do I get through this when he lives next door and I constantly see him? He is kind of blanking me as well, a curt nod in passing. I’m am so so destroyed by this. I can’t move because I can’t afford to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whiteranbit1977 · 22/10/2017 21:46

I can’t believe he told me to fuck off.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whiteranbit1977 · 22/10/2017 21:47

Sorry first post should say I saw neighbour and his wife going out.

OP posts:
SuburbanRhonda · 22/10/2017 21:55

What an utter twat.

OP, you know what you have to do. Get friendly with his wife, invite her round for coffee, smile and wave whenever you see her.

Take your time deciding whether to tell her. Maybe you will, maybe you won’t. But he doesn’t have to know that.

Original poster
Whiteranbit1977 · 22/10/2017 21:57

I can’t tell her. He’ll hate me and it’ll make it so much worse. He’s being so hostile towards me.

OP posts:
Redtartanshoes · 22/10/2017 21:57

After his little outburst I’d def tell his wife. What a dick. You’d think he’d be trying to keep you on side not piss you off even more... very silly man considering you are holding all of the cards

Bluntness100 · 22/10/2017 22:04

God, I can’t believe he told you to fuck off. That’s appalling, the good news is now you know who he is and you’ve had a lucky escape.

I wouldn’t tell the wife as there are kids involved, I’d let them get on with it and steer well clear. You also don’t know how he will react, or her for that matter. You do need to start to blank him and develop the fuck you attitude.

I agree with the posters who said he is scared. I’m sorry to say he’s obviously been trying to win her back throughout his fling with you.

Stay away from them op. It’s trouble you don’t need.

LML83 · 22/10/2017 22:08

Tell his wife. Then they will leave.

Hope the holiday helps OP Flowers

Bluntness100 · 22/10/2017 22:11

Tell his wife. Then they will leave

Or they will make her life a living hell. The wife might leave him again and he will make her life hell, or the wife will also be an oddball and she will hassle her. You don’t know they will sell up and go, they might try to force her to. She’s best off out of it.

Cricrichan · 22/10/2017 22:13

If they originally split because she cheated why is he so scared of her finding out about you? After all, they were split up and she was in the wrong. Are you sure it was her who cheated?

Hannalau · 22/10/2017 22:49

I'm thinking the same as Cricrichan... And kids or not, if this is the case that he's the cheat, the woman deserves to know what her ex was up to while he was (in all probability) pleading for her to give him a second chance, insisting that he'd changed.

He sounds like an absolute turd, the way he has spoken to you and treated you, like some dirty little secret. It's the last thing you need after what you went through. You're worth so much more. Thank your lucky stars every day that you arent the one who has a family with him. I hope his secret comes out.

ALittleMoreEducation · 22/10/2017 23:03

I can’t tell her. He’ll hate me and it’ll make it so much worse.

Seriously tell her. You will be doing both her and you a favour. How could it be "so much worse"? How exactly?

He's hiding his car, not speaking to you and when you tried to make smoothing overtures he told you to fuck off. I'd say he pretty much hates you right now for having the temerity to continue existing next door.

Tell her and it makes it better because THEY WILL MOVE AWAY WITH THE SPEED OF SPEEDY GONZALEZ.

He's making you cry and start asking stranger on the internet for advice. Don't cover for him. Don't shield his wife from his dishonesty.

It doesn't have to be a big song and dance. It can just be direct. When you see her in the street say " I wanted to tell you something that has been bothering me. Your husband and I were dating for 4 months while you were separated. It's over now and that's fine but he told me not to tell you and I feel uncomfortable with that because you are now living next door. If it were me I'd want to know - that's all. I'm very relaxed about it all so if you want to be friends that's fine with me and equally if you'd rather not thats fine too but I didn't want to be put in a position of tiptoing round an issue in my own neighbourhood."

Job done.

MyDobbygotgivenasock · 22/10/2017 23:21

I'm so sorry, he's disgusting. Fuck off indeed. I have often found people who I thought I knew better capable of absolutely horrendous behaviour due to their own guilt, a bad act becomes a bad life.
I still think that the invisible wall is the thing, not because of the rights and wrongs of anything (and certainly you haven't done any wrong to anyone) but this screams risky to me. His behaviour made me uneasy and this puts a cherry on the top of the shit pile. You don't know, this is the thing, it seemed perfectly natural to take his word for things in good faith, that's what good people do after all, but his wife might be living in a very very different reality to you and if shoot the messenger applies for people advising against anyone with knowledge telling a wife about an affair then imagine if the messenger is the 'other woman' even though she wasn't.
If you can't move then the advice to tell her so they will is a bit like saying just lob a grandad over the wall, because it will get them moving for sure but you can't predict how, two of them against one...I might be a coward but I've been on the end of enough awful behaviour to always avoid poking the hornet's nest if I don't know where they'll come out.
What a dick though.
Regardless of anything else I want to wish you a really really fun and lovely holiday with your little boy before I get distracted, I hope it's a little bubble of space and happiness.
She'll know though, if she's not suss already his relief at your absence will, or should, make her antennae twitch like mad so there may be developments anyway. Because fine if you don't like a neighbour for some reason it's unremarkable, but I bet money his attitude will give him away while you're gone, just because it will make such a difference to the guilt it'll be too much for just slight relief you don't have to bump into 'Parking wanker Jim' for a week.

bluebell34567 · 22/10/2017 23:22

it must be very hard for you.
first your ex-husband then this one.
and then you have to live next to them and he is being horrible to you.
everything is very raw.
-if you tell her he may lie and they may turn against you. he will lie, he showed his true colours. he will say she was after me etc.
-if you don't tell her, it will be very hard to live there for a while. if you want to live there you have to be very strong. get some counselling, etc. never ever talk to him. he will upset you to make you move away.
he isn't a nice person, I don't think his relationship will work.
keep away, don't look. they are trouble. keep away from trouble.
keep busy. you going away for a while is very good.
when you come back stay away from home for a while, don't ever look what he, them doing. complete ignorance.
wish you all the best luck. hopefully they move away soon and you meet someone nice or enjoy your single life.

MyDobbygotgivenasock · 22/10/2017 23:23

Grandad...um, you could try that, rapidly apply wisdom via airborne grandfather, I actually meant grenade though. I appreciate grandads are easier to find, not generally considered acceptable to throw them though, even if you ask first.

bluebell34567 · 22/10/2017 23:26

and please don't cry, he isn't worth it.

MyKingdomForBrie · 22/10/2017 23:28

I think you’re getting bad advice to tell her. That’s just prolonging and getting involved in the drama. He’s a twat, you’ve dodged a bullet. Ignore him, rise above and just keep on keeping on and it will feel better soon, it really will.

ALittleMoreEducation · 22/10/2017 23:51

I'm not so sure about that MyKingdom.

This man is at least dishonest and manipulative. He could be much worse. This was OPs and her children's home and neighbourhood.

Telling her to fuck off rather tells that he has no intention of moving. and he see her as being an inconvenience. He is probably thinking she will.

Why should she?

I think she should take some postiive steps to mark her terrority.

Men like this before you know it she will have a harassment complaint and the police on her doorstep for doing nothing. This all sounds like the begining of something very nasty to me.

Paperdoll16 · 23/10/2017 00:08

Tell the wife, especially after he told you to fuck off!! 😳

So he moves in next door to you after finding out that his wife had been cheating on him.
He gets with you and all is well until little miss cheater is bored of her lover and wants her EXH back.
And he jumps.
Tells you to keep it a secret and also to fuck off.
I would conjure up a nice little plan to shit on their parade. I mean their whole marriage is based upon deceit and maybe the wife might like to see what it's like from the other side..

Longdistance · 23/10/2017 00:27

Wait til the wife is home and he’s out.

Pop over and tell her he left his toothbrush at yours... then conveniently slink off on holiday...

Bluntness100 · 23/10/2017 07:55

Seriously tell her. You will be doing both her and you a favour. How could it be "so much worse"? How exactly?

Well they could turn against her for a start. Start calling her a slut and a liar in the street, making spurious and unfounded complaints about her, it could certainly be a lot worse if he says she is lying and one or both of them decides to seek vengeance by mounting a hate campaign against her.

Terrible advice to tell the wife, the Off’s of them saying oh well let’s move house and him not seeking revenge are low to non existent. The odds of her life becoming even more hellish is very high indeed.

LEMtheoriginal · 23/10/2017 08:03

Are you sure she was unfaithful?

BakedBeans47 · 23/10/2017 08:45

He’s a cunt. You’ve had a lucky escape there.

I would definitely tell his wife. Why the fuck should you do anything he wants?

SparklyMagpie · 23/10/2017 09:06

Id also tell his wife

What a bastard!

ShiftyMcGifty · 23/10/2017 09:17

Don't tell her.

If either of you could have afforded it, you would have moved. You both have children. Nobody needs this upheaval.

It turns out you fell in love while he was just dating. He's cutting you out because from his perspective, you're acting like the crazy ex stalker.

I'm going to say something harsh, but maybe it will make you adopt the "fuck him" attitude.

He thinks he was dating you and while he was, he discovers he's still missing his wife. While with you.

Time to pull up your big girl pants and fuck'im. Better to have found out what a dick he is now than 2 years from now :-(

Pretend he's dead to you and blank him.

Nosocksevermatchup · 23/10/2017 09:56

I wouldn't tell his wife, although I'd be very tempted. I think they could potentially have a 'united front' now they are reconciled and be equally horrible to you, making it difficult to live next door.
I would continue to do nice things for yourself and cherish you and your son, by going on holiday as you are doing, etc. You sound lovely and you will meet someone who deserves you, not someone as emotionally immature as this bloke is.
However, I do think their relationship will flounder, as most things do when they are built on lies. They will find it difficult to sustain the relationship after what she's done. And he sounds awful. You've dodged a bullet there.
I would say a cheery hello when you see him and leave it at that. For your own sanity try to blank him from your mind the rest of the time.
You have your own home, business, ds....the future will be great for you.