Be my friend and listen?

[HazelGraceLancaster]

NC as don't want this linked wih my usual user name - been jere for around 10yrs on and off though.

We are both being unreasonable I think but we are the same as we always have been I think.

I don't know how to even word this so please bear with me. This morning started off with an argument about toddler son in our bed. We currently cosleep, initially because ds wouldn't sleep in his own bed and as I was bf it was just easier. As he got a bit older I tried him in the cot which he hated - screams and screams so I abandoned it and continued with the cosleeping. H makes remarks about it, which on occasion turn into arguments. They are not always about the cosleeping arrangement, sometimes about our other children and how I never listen to him (I don't agree with this observation tbh, yes I know that I do tend do do things my way but I don't do it as a direct disregard for Hs view, just that it makes sense this way or it works best just now and I'll tackle it at a later days - the cosleeping falls into this category I suppose). There is no other option that cosleeping atm anyway as the room ds is meant to be using is in the midst of getting decorated and there is carpet to go down to but I digress.

H asks if this is just how it is going to be. He shorts and I cry, I very rarely shout but do cry a lot during conversations and withdraw, rarely speaking. He wants to have these big conversations and try to problem solve things that I honestly don't think are issues. He asks if I'm going to change, come up with solutions. He calls me a liar or says I answer certain ways just to get him to stop. I probably do. I never remember exact parts we have spoken about as I tune out...this infuriates him.

We have 3 dc, together 14yrs, I am currently a SAHP (my choic) and I do feel it is relevant, his dad died last year. When we are not in the midst of argument we are relatively happy, though he says he is never happy anymore not really, the arguments happen maybe every 3 months or so. Right now I want to run so far away but we are skint, I have no family support here and no real friends that I can talk to. I just feel so isolated and alone especially at times like this.

He just called to say he wants to have another chat when the kids are in bed. I can't see how its going to go well. I don't know what to do anymore, I'm just stood here sobbing. He says I seem fine the next day but how can I not appear fine, the kids are miserable to see me upset this morning. I put on a front for them.

I don't even know why I am posting this. I'm just so sad.

Thanks all. Some really good points there.

We are still intimate, not as much as H would like I'm sure, just not in the marital bed.

I will try and hold it togetherater and see what we can come up with. We couldn't afford counselling unfortunately, unless GP offer that sort of referral.

DS is asleep...so time to jump in the shower and try to get on with my day as best I can. Can already feel a headache forming ugh.

OP, I'm your DH and you are my DH, and I have to say, both are pretty horrible place to be.

Reading your op has helped me see my DH view a bit better because you're just like him! But I have to say it is damaging to your DH if you just dig your heels in and disregard his concerns like that. His viewpoint is more mainstream than yours and he's more likely to have the health visitor agree with him, so he's actually not being unreasonable! But before you get all defensive (please don't, my directness isn't intended to injure but to help) I know people DO co-sleep successfully and all that, but usually for short period and with DH agreement, which you don't have. I'd find 15 months too old for co-sleeping too. I'm with him on that one, poor bloke! When is the right time going to be to introduce your DS to his own bed? 2? 3? School? Teens? It might help to outline your rationale and an end by date. Open ended disregard is just not going to change things and they need changing for both of you.

Consider once his room is finished ds will be moving in. It's a matter of weeks now - needs painted and carpet laid - that's it but we need to wait for payday now.

Having a think about the list...is it unreasonable for me to put some things on that bother me too?

It's your list op. Absolutely you need to put the things that bother you on there too. It's about both your feelings.

I would say you need relationship counselling, and fast. This is definitely my ex and me, but roles reversed. After we broke up he admitted the degree of resistance he felt to anything I said, however valuable. His 'zoning out' used to drive me crazy. Your husband is very frustrated - that's the key word I would use to express how I felt about my ex. You end up getting angrier and angrier and then you become the person who is 'causing' the issues. I came to understand that my ex had passive-aggressive disorder and there was no way I could get anywhere with him. He would always resist and do things exactly his way. My feelings just did not matter. The long - term health of our relationship just did not register. His priority was our daughter. Which is all well and good, but when your relationship is dying it's your child who gets hurt anyway.

You are both in a dangerous place at a very stressful time. The only answer is that you both need to change and I don't think you can do this alone.

I've sent you a message, OP. x

Sorry I missed the bit where you said you couldn't afford counselling. That's a shame I think a good one is worth their weight in gold. Even if it's just for a short period it could change the way you relate for ever.

Real thank you for your message x

Rosa it's not something we can afford at the minute but I will look into it for into the new year.

List so far:

•DS room - what can I do to help?
•Listen to what you have to say w/ eye contact/watch my tone when answering and try not to be monosylabilic/answer with a sentence
•Try to take your advice/suggestions on board and back you up if we can compromise
•Help me more with DS and the house - I'm drowning in the drudgery (which makes me feel resentful)

"It's hard when he is shouting"
Your OP did not mention him shouting. Drip feeding not too helpful.

I might be projecting here but if he doesn't do childcare nor housework but instead shouts at you at the way it should be done, then no wonder you zone out.

I coslept with some of mine for a few years. It felt right at the time. It was instinctual. Especially if you're still breastfeeding it helps with milk supply too.

But anyhow, he needs to do more looking after his children and house and then he can bloody implement whatever he likes. But if he's just bossing you around without the practical experience of what would happen then he can piss off imo and bit make your job even more difficult.

Is he listening to you though?

Is he asking you to listen while he shouts and rants at you?

Please don't agree to try harder to listen to him unless he can speak to you respectfully and kindly.

F3Or you attitude is not to helpful. What an unkind thing to say.

F30r it does...it auto corrected to shorts though

It's after me saying I digress, it says he shorts (shouts) and I cry

I haven't RTFT so apologies if this has been suggested already, but this is exactly the sort of situation that Relate or other couples counseling is good for. You've developed a pattern of how you treat each other and communicate and both need to change. good luck

Good work on the list so far OP. It's a constructive thing for you to do for yourself, and also to show your DH that you are trying to do something proactive to improve the situation. Maybe add 'Please stop shouting at me - I find it very upsetting which is why I shut down/start crying.'

I hope you are intending to show the list to your DH. Maybe ask him to write his own? Then you can start working through the issues you BOTH have with each other. Good luck, keep us posted.

He doesn't do any childcare/housework when he's home?

I wonder if this is a dynamic that grown because the two of you are not communicating well, at all.
He asks, you retreat and dismiss, he gets louder and louder trying to be heard, you back away more and more because now hes shouting.... Its a vicious circle.

The two of you really need to actually TALK - you need to take on board that just because you are happy with the way things are, that doesnt mean he is. If either of you is deeply unhappy then things need to change where possible.
Equally, he needs to give you space to actually get to think and talk - if he is attacking you with shouting so that youre backed into a corner with no time or space to reply then its no wonder youre shutting down and crying.

Very little mirror unless it is DIY. He looks after ds one hour per week whilst I go on a driving lesson, aside from that I do almost everything else.

SO you're in a relationship where at the very least there is an imbalance domestically. When he looks after DS what is his attitude like? Does he see it as doing you a favour? Does he get to do the things he wants to do? Does he get leisure time? Do you have free access to household income? If you were to say to him that you were going out for the evening what would his reaction be? Do you ever bring up issues you are having within the relationship? Do you Far to? If you do how does he react? Does he listen and participate? Or does he sulk/walk away/roll his eyes/ignore you/tell you you're blowing things out of proportion?

*dare, not Far.

Just as an aside re the headaches: concentrate on your breathing.

Low and deep every now and then, sigh every now and again when you think of it.

Generally keep an eye on your breathing that it doesn't get too shallow, if you notice it has got shallow (or you're holding your breath!) then just do a big sigh to regulate it again.

Re relationship counselling, you could try church orgs (who don't generally push any agenda). As others are saying, this is classic relationship counselling material. Do try to find something, it's so worth it.

He says he enjoys looking after ds. I don't think he'd ever try to stop me going out but as still bf and living really there aren't many opportunities to do so, I am in charge of the household budget. He has a hobby one night per week and volunteers another night for a scout group, apart from that he is home.

He came home on his lunch there, something he doesn't normally do and we had a chat, no shouting! He says that he is concerned that I don't voice my annoyances and wants me to write a list wonder if he is reading this

Living rurally not really - my phone hates me today!

We are on much better terms now. He is away back to work, hopefully going to have another chat tonight and see if we can action some things that are annoying us both.

Thank you all so much for your help

My DH does what you do and it just makes me sad that he can't tell me when he's unhappy. Sometimes it helps to know. Hope tonight goes ok x