Be my friend and listen?

[HazelGraceLancaster]

NC as don't want this linked wih my usual user name - been jere for around 10yrs on and off though.

We are both being unreasonable I think but we are the same as we always have been I think.

I don't know how to even word this so please bear with me. This morning started off with an argument about toddler son in our bed. We currently cosleep, initially because ds wouldn't sleep in his own bed and as I was bf it was just easier. As he got a bit older I tried him in the cot which he hated - screams and screams so I abandoned it and continued with the cosleeping. H makes remarks about it, which on occasion turn into arguments. They are not always about the cosleeping arrangement, sometimes about our other children and how I never listen to him (I don't agree with this observation tbh, yes I know that I do tend do do things my way but I don't do it as a direct disregard for Hs view, just that it makes sense this way or it works best just now and I'll tackle it at a later days - the cosleeping falls into this category I suppose). There is no other option that cosleeping atm anyway as the room ds is meant to be using is in the midst of getting decorated and there is carpet to go down to but I digress.

H asks if this is just how it is going to be. He shorts and I cry, I very rarely shout but do cry a lot during conversations and withdraw, rarely speaking. He wants to have these big conversations and try to problem solve things that I honestly don't think are issues. He asks if I'm going to change, come up with solutions. He calls me a liar or says I answer certain ways just to get him to stop. I probably do. I never remember exact parts we have spoken about as I tune out...this infuriates him.

We have 3 dc, together 14yrs, I am currently a SAHP (my choic) and I do feel it is relevant, his dad died last year. When we are not in the midst of argument we are relatively happy, though he says he is never happy anymore not really, the arguments happen maybe every 3 months or so. Right now I want to run so far away but we are skint, I have no family support here and no real friends that I can talk to. I just feel so isolated and alone especially at times like this.

He just called to say he wants to have another chat when the kids are in bed. I can't see how its going to go well. I don't know what to do anymore, I'm just stood here sobbing. He says I seem fine the next day but how can I not appear fine, the kids are miserable to see me upset this morning. I put on a front for them.

I don't even know why I am posting this. I'm just so sad.

[Mirrormirrorotw]

No, i was suggesting she tries a different tactic and see if he's willing to do the same.

Shouting is not ok - but there's also plent of people on here who end up resorting to shouting when they've gone long enough feeling ignored. I was just suggesting it to see if he's able to see a change and in that light recognise his own failings and change.

If he isn't, well, it's pretty obvious who he really is.

[LesisMiserable]

Identifying hypocrisy isnt being a Stepford wife.

[raisinsarenottheonlyfruit]

So, the HazelGraceLancaster's DH:

• shouts at her
  
• is trying to overrule how she wants to manage night feeds and her BFing relationship with her child (by being against her putting a double in her DC's room)
  
• does fuck all housework and doesn't pull his weight in family matters except 1 hour a week
  

And you're all telling her she should listen to him more?

How about him listening to her instead of shouting?

FFS this site really has been invaded by stepford wives.

Yes, communication is a good thing but this isn't just about the OP not listening - he's shouting at her while she's crying FFS. Get a grip people. This is not MN at its best. This is shabby.

[raisinsarenottheonlyfruit]

It's still not OK to shout at someone and expect them to listen.

I'm shocked at the responses on this thread tbh.

[Mirrormirrorotw]

Agreed, raisin. However, has he always behaved this way or has he started off talking reasonable and over time has turned to shouting because he's been repeatedly ignored/shut down/guilted into not talking - those are two very different situations.

[raisinsarenottheonlyfruit]

LesisMiserable have you read the same thread as me?

He's not "trying to discuss feelings" he's shouting at her!

It's stonewalling if someone is trying to speak reasonably to you, not if they're shouting.

[LesisMiserable]

If you were a man your behaviour would be call 'stonewalling' and your crying when he tries to discuss his feelings 'manipulative' and you would be referred to as abusive. I have been in your husband's shoes being treated like this. Eventually you shout just to feel heard. You're treating him really quite badly.

[HazelGraceLancaster]

One joint account. No other accounts so I have access to all monies (not that there is a lot with only one of us working!)

[Mirrormirrorotw]

Forgive me for pressing further but when you say you're in charge of the household budget what does that mean exactly? Do you have access to all household money or is there an account into which he pays part of his salary that you have access to?

Sorry if I'm barking up the wrong tree but I'm seeing red flags...

[SleepingStandingUp]

My DH does what you do and it just makes me sad that he can't tell me when he's unhappy. Sometimes it helps to know. Hope tonight goes ok x

[HazelGraceLancaster]

Living rurally not really - my phone hates me today!

We are on much better terms now. He is away back to work, hopefully going to have another chat tonight and see if we can action some things that are annoying us both.

Thank you all so much for your help

[HazelGraceLancaster]

He says he enjoys looking after ds. I don't think he'd ever try to stop me going out but as still bf and living really there aren't many opportunities to do so, I am in charge of the household budget. He has a hobby one night per week and volunteers another night for a scout group, apart from that he is home.

He came home on his lunch there, something he doesn't normally do and we had a chat, no shouting! He says that he is concerned that I don't voice my annoyances and wants me to write a list wonder if he is reading this

[springydaffs]

Just as an aside re the headaches: concentrate on your breathing.

Low and deep every now and then, sigh every now and again when you think of it.

Generally keep an eye on your breathing that it doesn't get too shallow, if you notice it has got shallow (or you're holding your breath!) then just do a big sigh to regulate it again.

Re relationship counselling, you could try church orgs (who don't generally push any agenda). As others are saying, this is classic relationship counselling material. Do try to find something, it's so worth it.

[Mirrormirrorotw]

*dare, not Far.

[Mirrormirrorotw]

SO you're in a relationship where at the very least there is an imbalance domestically. When he looks after DS what is his attitude like? Does he see it as doing you a favour? Does he get to do the things he wants to do? Does he get leisure time? Do you have free access to household income? If you were to say to him that you were going out for the evening what would his reaction be? Do you ever bring up issues you are having within the relationship? Do you Far to? If you do how does he react? Does he listen and participate? Or does he sulk/walk away/roll his eyes/ignore you/tell you you're blowing things out of proportion?

[HazelGraceLancaster]

Very little mirror unless it is DIY. He looks after ds one hour per week whilst I go on a driving lesson, aside from that I do almost everything else.

[StormTreader]

I wonder if this is a dynamic that grown because the two of you are not communicating well, at all.
He asks, you retreat and dismiss, he gets louder and louder trying to be heard, you back away more and more because now hes shouting.... Its a vicious circle.

The two of you really need to actually TALK - you need to take on board that just because you are happy with the way things are, that doesnt mean he is. If either of you is deeply unhappy then things need to change where possible.
Equally, he needs to give you space to actually get to think and talk - if he is attacking you with shouting so that youre backed into a corner with no time or space to reply then its no wonder youre shutting down and crying.

[Mirrormirrorotw]

He doesn't do any childcare/housework when he's home?

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

Good work on the list so far OP. It's a constructive thing for you to do for yourself, and also to show your DH that you are trying to do something proactive to improve the situation. Maybe add 'Please stop shouting at me - I find it very upsetting which is why I shut down/start crying.'

I hope you are intending to show the list to your DH. Maybe ask him to write his own? Then you can start working through the issues you BOTH have with each other. Good luck, keep us posted.

[nodogsinthebedroom]

I haven't RTFT so apologies if this has been suggested already, but this is exactly the sort of situation that Relate or other couples counseling is good for. You've developed a pattern of how you treat each other and communicate and both need to change. good luck

[HazelGraceLancaster]

It's after me saying I digress, it says he shorts (shouts) and I cry

[HazelGraceLancaster]

F30r it does...it auto corrected to shorts though

[raisinsarenottheonlyfruit]

F3Or you attitude is not to helpful. What an unkind thing to say.

[raisinsarenottheonlyfruit]

Is he listening to you though?

Is he asking you to listen while he shouts and rants at you?

Please don't agree to try harder to listen to him unless he can speak to you respectfully and kindly.

[Cricrichan]

I might be projecting here but if he doesn't do childcare nor housework but instead shouts at you at the way it should be done, then no wonder you zone out.

I coslept with some of mine for a few years. It felt right at the time. It was instinctual. Especially if you're still breastfeeding it helps with milk supply too.

But anyhow, he needs to do more looking after his children and house and then he can bloody implement whatever he likes. But if he's just bossing you around without the practical experience of what would happen then he can piss off imo and bit make your job even more difficult.