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Original poster

Does your DP's sexual history bother you?

73 replies

Stormzyy · 17/10/2017 15:42

I've NC because I don't want this linked to my normal username

So, just that really. Does your DP's sexual history bother you at all?

I guess there are two schools of though on it-

  • Yes because I don't like the idea of my DP being intimate with anyone else.
  • No because it's in the past and nothing to do with our relationship now.

I want to be in the second camp and the rational part of me most definitely is in that camp. But, the irrational part of me is a bit entrenched in the first camp.

I see one of DP's exes quite a lot and I can't help but feel jealous. Well, jealous isn't really the right word- kind of angry, kind of jealous, kind of sad.

God I'm not coming off well here am I?!

I'm not unhinged!!

OP posts:
Offred · 17/10/2017 15:53

I’m in the third camp;

If I have a reason to be bothered by it it bothers me but if it bothers me I will leave.

So;

  • if someone has never had a LTR why? Are the reasons why a. Bad and b. Still present?
  • if someone has had a lot of messy relationships why? Are the reasons why a. Bad and b. Still present?
  • if someone has a history of what I consider to be incompatible behaviour, are we incompatible? Have they changed? Why? For how long?
  • if someone has treated exes badly why? How long ago? Do they understand they were wrong? Are they demonstrating they are different now?

Etc etc...

Comedyboobs · 17/10/2017 16:14

Im atill friends with my ex, his past sexual history didnt bother me at all. But mine pisses him off.
Why do you deel envious of your DPs ex?
My ex husbands exs didnt bothher me either......but his behaviour towards them did as he turned out ro be a narcassistic bellend.

cakecakecheese · 17/10/2017 16:15

Do you know what it is about her that makes you feel this way, is it to do with what he's told you about their relationship or is it more to do with that you see her a fair bit?

Comedyboobs · 17/10/2017 16:15

Ignore fat fingers, hope you get my drift......

monkeyfacegrace · 17/10/2017 16:17

Not in the slightest. And DH was a total shit. He lost count when he got into 3 figures Hmm

Doesn't bother me, some of his stories are hilarious. And I find it a bit of a turn on Blush

2014newme · 17/10/2017 16:18

4th option you don't know their sexual history

user21 · 17/10/2017 16:19

I wish I had asked more tbh.

He never asked and I was pleased he didn't but I wish we had discussed it.
I regret that deeply as it had a huge impact on our marriage.

Tilapia · 17/10/2017 16:20

It's easy to say you shouldn't care about your partner's exes in the abstract. It's different when you have to spend time with them.

I couldn't care less about my DH's significant ex now (they haven't been in touch for years), but when we first got together we used to see quite a lot of her and I felt similar to how you describe.

Angelf1sh · 17/10/2017 16:22

No. And I’ve never asked.

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 17/10/2017 16:22

What about your own exes?

I had a lot of sexual relationships, including many one night stands, before settling down. Probably 4 times the number of my DH, however he has used prostitutes abroad (military), which I struggled with for a long time before making my peace with. Not least of all because it's not a race to the bottom or a competition.

TheNoseyProject · 17/10/2017 16:24

I am suspicious of men who want to bang on about their ex’s. To me there’s something weird about almost needing to tell your current partner loads and loads of detail about all your partners.

I’m sorry your bugged by thinking about his ex. Do you know why? Does he talk about her a lot? It’s a bit different to your question as she’s still present in a way.

Rainallday · 17/10/2017 16:27

I try to put it in perspective by thinking that as much as I might have liked them at the time I barely remember my exes now and rarely give them more than a passing thought. I'd hate to think DH was bothered by me having exes as they really are in the past as far as I'm concerned and irrelevant to my life now. It's my relationship history that taught me what I wanted in a relationship and led me to DH really. It's harder that you have to see them around but unless he's given you reason to think otherwise you can probably assume you're thinking about this lady a lot more than your DP ever does. You're the one he wants a future with. She probably had a slightly more immature version of him that you might not have liked as much and you can't really begrudge him having relationships before he met you and fell in love with you. Now he's with you she's not really relevant- as in he had to be with someone before but they're not who he wants to be with now. I really do understand feeling jealous it's horrible but you have the version of your DP that matters which is the one who comes home to you every day and gives you a hug. The DP that is in love with you has never been intimate with anyone else and that's what's important disclaimer: this makes sense to me philosophically it may not actually make sense. All anyone has of exes is fading memories of what they used to be like and that's not anything to be jealous of. I completely get it OP and think you're doing the right thing trying to stop it from bothering you as it would be a shame to let this get you down when your DP is presumably really happy to be with you. How long have you been together? Is he doing anything that's making you doubt his feelings for you?

Original poster
Stormzyy · 17/10/2017 16:27

I don't know why I feel this way. She's a very nice woman. I don't feel at all threatened by her. She's happily married, I'm happily married. I just feel strange knowing that she and my DP were sexing it up.

I'm finding it so hard to articulate but it's because me and DP's lives are so inter-twined now I find it hard to deal with the fact she and DP's lives were once inter-twined. That the things we do (not just sex),he used to do with her. It's hard because she's not some random woman living the other end of the country, I see her regularly.

God, I'm not articulating this well at all

It doesn't affect my relationship with DP but I come away from seeing her just feeling a bit strange.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stormzyy · 17/10/2017 16:29

He doesn't bang on about her at all.

I sort of work with her. She works a company who does sub-contracted work for the company I work for.

Me and DP have been together for five years. I've been working with this woman for two years.

It became apparent that they were exes when he picked me up from a work event. Me and her were walking out together and she spotted DP and said "Jesus, that's my ex" and I was like "That's my DP". They just said "Hi" and had a casual chat but that was it. They're not friends on FB even.

OP posts:
FuckedUpPanda · 17/10/2017 16:30

Unless it resulted in an STD I wouldn't be worried. He's not with them for a reason, he chooses to be with you.

n0ne · 17/10/2017 16:35

Not massively bothered. I felt a small pang of jealousy the first time he mentioned a past girlfriend but I know it's ridiculous - anything before I knew him is none of my business. And my past is a LOT more colourful than his, and it's never bothered him one iota. He's never even asked.

sonjadog · 17/10/2017 16:48

Have you had other partners in the past? Do you think about having sex with them a lot or is that something that is over and done with? Would you still sleep with them now if they offered? Assuming that you aren´t still thinking about them (that would be a whole other thread), can you not see that your DH has also moved on and put them in the past?

LadyWire · 17/10/2017 16:52

Don't know, don't care. I got around a bit in my youth and I don't want him asking me questions either!

RaingodsWithZippos · 17/10/2017 17:03

I don't have a problem with his ex wife, he loved her at the time. I don't have a problem with his girlfriend before his ex wife - I've never met her but have heard a lot about her. But I must admit to an uncomfortable feeling about his one night stands - mainly because I know a lot of them and I know he didn't feel anything for them, which I find hard to compute with him having sex with them - i have never had sex with someone I didn't want to be with forever. I am aware that this is just me though and it's not the norm.

Taylor22 · 17/10/2017 17:11

No my husband has a very very long list of previous female companions ranging from a few hours to years.

Yet I am the one person he chose to marry and have children with.

Plus he is very good in bed so I'm grateful for all the practice Wink

bellsandwhistles89 · 17/10/2017 17:11

My partners sexual history doesnt bother me and mine doesnt bother him, that said I dont know how I would feel/how he would feel if our exes were still in our lives.

Rather than it being his sexual history that bothers you it feels like its this one particular lady and the fact that you are having to work with her. My opinion would be these feelings are natural as your partner had feelings for someone prior to you which would make anyone feel slightly uncomfortable - I wouldnt worry about it and focus on the fact that she is in his past.

Taylor22 · 17/10/2017 17:13

Op I'm good friends with one of my husbands one night stands.

See the person not their history. They were both consenting adults who enjoyed a time together. And then moved on with their lives.

Mari50 · 17/10/2017 17:21

It’s jot something that bothers me at all. As long as they’ve practised safe sex that’s probably all i’m concerned about.
A PP did touch on relationship history though and I recently went out with someone who at 40 had only had two relationships lasting longer than 3 months and neither of those was longer than 2 years. That was a massive turn off.

Shoxfordian · 17/10/2017 17:29

No it doesn't and shouldn't bother you

You're in a relationship now and that's what matters

Notreallyarsed · 17/10/2017 17:31

Not in the slightest, and mine doesn’t bother him either. We haven’t gone into great detail right enough, he used to be a squaddie in his late teens/early twenties and I don’t want to know!
His XW doesn’t bother me, and my XH doesn’t bother him.