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Original poster

Does your DP's sexual history bother you?

73 replies

Stormzyy · 17/10/2017 15:42

I've NC because I don't want this linked to my normal username

So, just that really. Does your DP's sexual history bother you at all?

I guess there are two schools of though on it-

Yes because I don't like the idea of my DP being intimate with anyone else.
No because it's in the past and nothing to do with our relationship now.

I want to be in the second camp and the rational part of me most definitely is in that camp. But, the irrational part of me is a bit entrenched in the first camp.

I see one of DP's exes quite a lot and I can't help but feel jealous. Well, jealous isn't really the right word- kind of angry, kind of jealous, kind of sad.

God I'm not coming off well here am I?!

I'm not unhinged!!

OP posts:

feelawake · 17/10/2017 23:26

No. I don't know much about the detail, I just know that he had some relationships before me. He doesn't know the detail about mine, but I know it's much more extensive than his.Most of his girlfriends were from when he lived abroad - I've never met or seen any pictures of them, and I wouldn't want to. I'm not in contact with any of my exes. We both leave the past in the past.

CaretakerToNuns · 17/10/2017 23:30

I'd be extremely suspicious if a prospective partner had never been in a relationship before.

Branleuse · 17/10/2017 23:43

No, i dont give it a second thought

BookyBook · 17/10/2017 23:47

I don’t care about previous partners. It’s a couple of unrequited love situations that bother me more

threadarick · 18/10/2017 07:24

Personally I’m not jealous either but I don’t think it’s that unusual OP - and I’d bet that most people don’t spend a lot of time with their partner’s exes at work.

That’s not to say you shouldn’t tackle it, because you’re feeling awful, but please don’t go around thinking you’re just a weirdo for feeling this way.

Love and sex and intimacy are tied up in so many emotions, and I think elements of jealousy or something like discomfort around them are fairly normal.

MamaOfTwos · 18/10/2017 08:06

When I met DH he told me I was his first LTR but he was 25, had been at uni and enjoying life as a singleton living at home and earning good money. I'd been in a similar position but was with someone for 4 years on and off. We've not got 'details' and each other's 'number' but we know each other has a past and we've shared one or two funny anecdotes, no jealousy on either side. I think we have a fairly healthy approach?
But then I'm also not fussed if he visits a strip club on a stag, whereas I know for some that's a huge no-no. Maybe they're linked?

TheNaze73 · 18/10/2017 08:37

I think the past experiences a lot of men remember are the wild fucks in foreign countries & the one offs with no consequences after, as opposed to an ex he was in a relationship with. I wouldn’t let it worry you

Thinkingofausername1 · 18/10/2017 09:09

Wow I’ve really had a sheltered life.
No one before my dh.
He had no one before me.

Is he saying anything to you to make you feel insecure about sexual history?

Pinkvoid · 18/10/2017 09:18

I had an abusive ex that mentioned his exes pretty much every time we were together, sometimes comparing them to me and having little digs at me such as “when you’re with someone better than you it makes you want to be a better person” (I was with him during one of the worst times of his life where he’d hit rock bottom so in other words I was lesser than his exes and him.) One of his exes in particular could do no wrong in his eyes and he told me once that he saw them getting back together one day and getting married . THAT bothered me.

But the thought of my now DP with someone else isn’t really an issue, no. The clue is in the word HISTORY. They’re in the past for a good reason. We don’t talk about exes often, don’t feel a need to really.

Pinkvoid · 18/10/2017 09:21

I have to say the older I’ve got, the more accepting I’ve become of it though. When I met my exH I was only 16 and he was 19. I hated the notion of his ex girlfriend even though she lived half way across the world in his home country and they’d only been together a couple of months in school! I found the idea of him with anyone else revolting.

Now I’m older I kind of like the fact DP has had bad past experiences like I have, it’s moulded us into better people and we know more about what we want now.

Teddy7878 · 18/10/2017 09:24

I'd love to say I'm not bothered but I secretly definitely am (I'm a very insecure person with jealousy issues deep down but I try and keep it to myself 99% of the time as I destroyed a previous relationship by being jealous all the time).
His ex's apart from the last one are all slimmer than me and one is very attractive and I know he really loved her. I have to remember that he's chosen me though and we plan to get married and have kids together (he's never done anything like that with any of them). He also tells me I'm the love of his life so I just have to believe him and accept he sees qualities in me that he finds really appealing.

Smoochyschmoo · 18/10/2017 09:29

My DH has only been with one other person (we were teenagers when we got together) and that was my cousin 😳

It used to bother me when I thought about it but not a lot I can do to change it and I knew about it at the time so would have a cheek to be upset...

MissWilmottsGhost · 18/10/2017 09:30

I can't judge DH's past as mine is a lot more....erm.....colourful

Your feelings towards your colleague seem a bit OTT, OP. Was it a recent thing that you found out she is your DP's ex? I can understand it being a bit of a shock at the time but surely it's time to move on?

Adifferentway · 18/10/2017 09:40

A little but that's because we got together as a mature couple and because of some medical issues, we are not able to be as active as we both would like so it's not really his past that bothers me, I'm a little envious of his past lovers that they got him in his physical prime. I can sense just how physical he would have been.

Sex aside, i think I get the best version of the man he's matured into though so I'm sure his ex wife is a little miffed at that.

AnyFucker · 18/10/2017 09:44

Only if it involved anything non consensual or linked to the sex industry in any way

OnionKnight · 18/10/2017 09:44

It doesn’t bother me but my past bothers my wife.

I just tend to ignore it when she brings it up, we’ve been together for 9 years so I would have thought that she’d stop mentioning it by now.

Brahms3rdracket · 18/10/2017 09:57

I quite like chatting about past experiences with DP, as it all developed him into the person he is today and taught him his amazing bedroom skills but one ex has bothered me on occasion when she continues to make contact after over 20 years. I know she was much keener than him and realistically isn't a threat because he didn't want a full on relationship with her, but I suspect she was the sender of a mysterious valentine card and that put my heckles up. This was after we had been together about 15 years, so seemed disrespectful tbh.

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty · 18/10/2017 10:01

It's kind of like a little bit of my DP belongs to her and there's no way for me to get it back but I can see it. God, that's a shit way to describe it but I can't think of any other way to put it. I think that's the perfect way to put it.

My DP has DCs with his ex and seeing their happy photos, her engagement ring, the fact that they had DCs together, the fact that she's still considered part of his family, all the things that he will always have with her and not me, is upsetting. It's more about the happiness and intimacy than the sex in some ways, especially as he says he wasn't much cop in bed before he met me.

I get that it's all in the past, but their past is very much in my face in the present. The physical evidence of their sex life is wandering around and will be part of my life forever - I will be sharing significant events with his ex and she isn't shy about bringing up the past when we're all around.

She even talked about DP's amazing sperm at one of the DCs' birthdays so I have had their ex-sex life well and truly shoved in my face!

My ex is also around and I have 3 DCs by him. DP doesn't seem to feel the same way, but I think that's partly to do with the healthy boundaries between XH and I. DP has never had to listen to my ex call me sweetie or darling or say "love you" when he hangs up the phone etc.

I have probably had more partners than DP although we haven't discussed actual numbers as I think he would find that harder than me to deal with if I'm honest. I have alluded to the fact that it's quite a few for me, but we both joke that we are each others' first and that the children came about by some ejaculating/cartwheeling accident.

I think it's perfectly natural to feel jealous of things that happened in the past, as long as you don't let it consume you. Being aware of it and understanding that there is no rational or legitimate reason for those feelings is half the battle.

BrandNewHouse · 18/10/2017 10:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bertsfriend · 18/10/2017 10:38

Yeah, I hate the thought of him with someone else. He has no idea though, I keep it in (along with all the other crazy!).

ravenmum · 18/10/2017 10:48

The only thing that might make me feel uncomfortable is what Offred described - wanting just a working relationship with someone, at arm's length, but at the same time knowing that you have a kind of personal relationship - you know they've seen your partner's bum! Might feel a little awkward at first, in a childish sort of way.

A couple of people have said that they don't worry as the past relationships were all not as serious as this one. My partners can't comfort themselves with that - I was married for 20+ years - but they can still rest assured that there is no way I am ever thinking about my ex when with them in a way that they would need to be jealous about. Thinking about him in that way now would be really weird. There's nothing I ever pine after.

ravenmum · 18/10/2017 10:52

i think I get the best version of the man he's matured into
My bf has been quite honest about being an arrogant dick in the past - he's not like that at all now, so either he's being hard on himself or the many others before me have done good work.

Lancsguy · 18/10/2017 13:32

My GF had a lot of one-nighters before we met, which bothered me at first, but we've been together for 6 years. So the way I look at it, I must have something they didn't.

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