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Original poster

Does your DP's sexual history bother you?

73 replies

Stormzyy · 17/10/2017 15:42

I've NC because I don't want this linked to my normal username

So, just that really. Does your DP's sexual history bother you at all?

I guess there are two schools of though on it-

  • Yes because I don't like the idea of my DP being intimate with anyone else.
  • No because it's in the past and nothing to do with our relationship now.

I want to be in the second camp and the rational part of me most definitely is in that camp. But, the irrational part of me is a bit entrenched in the first camp.

I see one of DP's exes quite a lot and I can't help but feel jealous. Well, jealous isn't really the right word- kind of angry, kind of jealous, kind of sad.

God I'm not coming off well here am I?!

I'm not unhinged!!

OP posts:
Littlechocola · 17/10/2017 17:33

Like you, I have a bit of a ‘thing’ about one in particular but I became quite obsessed and unwell so I ignore the thing and concentrate on us rather than them.
I’m much nicer anyway Wink

mindutopia · 17/10/2017 17:35

No, it doesn't bother me at all. To be fair, I certainly have much more of a sexual and relationship history than my dh does. Most of his previous relationships were fairly short-lived and casual (we met when he was 21, so I think that's pretty normal for a guy that age). I on the other hand had 3 fairly serious long-term relationships before I met him (I'm a few years older, but also started dating younger). Two of those guys I lived with, so these were relationships that lasted several years. But even still I can't really be jealous. I know how I felt about my exes and even being fairly serious and long term relationships, I never felt about them the way I feel about my dh. That's why I ended up with him and those relationships died a miserable death.

Very likely it's the same for your partner. He may have once had feelings for this woman or done romantic and sexual things with her (like we all did in past relationships), but it was nothing like it is with you.

RedForFilth · 17/10/2017 17:37

I would never say this in real life but partners sexual histories have never bothered me at all because I know I'm really good in bed Grin and the chances are I've probably had more partners and had more experiences than them anyway so would feel hypocritical to be bothered by it. I have a somewhat chequered past.

I will say though I would not be with anyone who judged me on my past rather than who I am now. Not saying OP is btw.

IHopeYourCakeIsShit · 17/10/2017 17:40

I don't know anything about his history, I have never asked and he has never volunteered info.

AdalindSchade · 17/10/2017 17:40

Only if he had been a total cunt to his exes or something- in which case I might think twice about having a relationship with him. Other than that I'm quite capable of accepting that people have lives before they met me as I did so it wouldn't bother me in the least.

Mrswinkler · 17/10/2017 17:52

I’m in the minority here. I like hearing about exes it’s interesting. Why they got together, why they split up, how they talk about them now, are they still friends. You can understand so much about someone from their history.

Yes, if they constantly banged on about then in either a positive or negative way it would piss me off. But general chit chat great.

I’m close to a couple of my exes. They are my friends. I have no romantic feelings for them but enjoy their company, their girlfriends company. I like to think they feel the same way about me.

Jealously eats away at you. If it’s out in the open it’s more easily addressed.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 17/10/2017 18:16

It would have a bearing on choosing a partner, obviously everybody usually has a sexual history and a few LTRs wouldn't bother me. A high number of casual encounters would though. It's just another aspect of a relationship, compatibility and similar outlooks.

Original poster
Stormzyy · 17/10/2017 18:21

Thanks everyone. There are some really great responses on here.

I'm not at all bothered by the fact my DP has exes and he's not bothered about my past. I guess my question was all wrong.

I find it easy to not care/not be bothered about abstract, random women who he had relationships/sex/flings with.

But I find it a real struggle with this one woman and I know it's all completely me. It's not him and it's not her. I think it's just seeing her and working with her and knowing she's been intimate (sexual and not) with my DP. As I said, it just makes me feel odd.

It's kind of like a little bit of my DP belongs to her and there's no way for me to get it back but I can see it. God, that's a shit way to describe it but I can't think of any other way to put it.

When I work with her, I leave work and go for a run and I can shake that feeling off but it's a horrible kind of pit of the stomach feeling. I get quite anxious when it's a day I know I'll be in a meeting with her.

I sound awful. She's a lovely person, really friendly, good at her job and easy to get on with. I have no problem with her at all, it's the history she has with DP I struggle with.

I know I'm being so daft, just got to find ways of talking myself out of that anxious, knotty stomach feeling.

OP posts:
LittleBooInABox · 17/10/2017 18:32

It doesn't bother me at all. We all have pasts.

KityGlitr · 17/10/2017 19:54

It's called retroactive jealousy. You can get help for it. I used to have it as a teen due to being inexperienced but now I'm older I don't at all. Don't like to think of him with exes but I know it happened and am glad he has some prior experience and I don't spend any time thinking about it.

Hasanyoneseenthecat · 17/10/2017 21:17

I have a similar issue OP, except it's friend of mine who is DH's ex. I hate it when we go out together as they get on really well and flirt with each other. I just can't shake the feeling that it must've only been timing that was against them before. In my head they would have a great relationship if they got together now/in future. I find it so upsetting, it's a horrible feeling and is indicative of my low self esteem. Do you suffer with self esteem issues?

Tealdeal747 · 17/10/2017 21:22

he has used prostitutes abroad (military)

I would be out the door at an inkling of this.

DownstairsMixUp · 17/10/2017 21:28

Couldn’t care less tbh. I was a bit jealous of one of his pretty exes in the early days but that soon wore off. We’ve been together since April 2010

Offred · 17/10/2017 21:28

How long have you been working with her?

Original poster
Stormzyy · 17/10/2017 21:35

I don't suffer from self-esteem issues at all. I also completely trust my DH

I've been working with her for about two years.

OP posts:
Offred · 17/10/2017 22:05

Do you think it is because the history between her and your dp creates a sense of intimacy that cannot possibly be expressed within the confines of a working relationship?

As in perhaps if you were social then you wouldn’t be worried about this at all. It’s simply because there is a level of intimacy that can’t be expressed but whether you see her or not is not within your control.

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 17/10/2017 22:15

@Tealdeal747 I knew about it a decade before we got together. He has been a course friend all my life. I put off any possibility of a relationship with him whilst I decided whether I could deal with it or not.

Original poster
Stormzyy · 17/10/2017 22:23

Offred Hmm, that's a really interesting point. Maybe!

OP posts:
midnightmisssuki · 17/10/2017 22:24

hmmmm - if its not jealousy and not like you suspect something is going on between them (and there is nothing untoward) then I'm not sure why you feel the way you do. You probably need to ask yourself this question - why? Are you threatened by her somehow? do you think she's prettier than you? do you think they shared something that you and your DP don't?

At the end of the day - he's with you, he married you, he loves you. Everytime you see her, remind yourself you get to go home to him, she doesn't. If you really really cannot get over it - then the only way i think is by moving jobs, but thats extreme seeing as how you get on with her and there are no issues! Good luck OP.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 17/10/2017 22:33

I don't know my DHs sexual history bar his ex wife who he had sex with at least once to get DSS Wink

I don't care. I did have a bit of a wobble when I first met the ex as she's taller and slimmer than me, but ultimately I got over it. I'm not sure I would have done if she hadn't been the polar opposite to me.

Lancsguy · 17/10/2017 22:37

I was at first, but soon got over it

PinkHeart5914 · 17/10/2017 22:41

No

I shagged people, he shagged people but it’s the past. Let’s face it if my Dh hadn’t enjoyed sex with others he wouldn’t be the great shag he is now, there is a lot to be said for experience.

Piratesandpants · 17/10/2017 22:48

How did their relationship end? Is that influencing how you feel?

Myheartbelongsto · 17/10/2017 23:14

Not a bit.

Ttbb · 17/10/2017 23:20

Well I like too look at it this way:he picked me over all the others and I picked him over all the others so there