Mother in law issues. Who does not have it?

[Nadiff]

Hi everyone. Its my first time here.. So i was having problems with my MIL. We dont get along very well. We dont hate eachother but personally i find her extremely overbearing. So i thought I'll look up the internet for some advice or read stories of DILS in similar situation. What i found, dumbfounded me. Hundreds of websites and blogs and forum over how women hate their mils. Or MILS hate their Dils. Its a nightmare out there where in most cases the mother eventually ends up loosing her son. And no consideration is given to the fact that the DIL might be wrong as well. Now, after reading all that, I am wondering if there is anyone, anyone at all who get along with their inlaws. Im not asking for pure love, but managing a civil polite relationship would do. All i read was how DILS got offended and had their husbands give their mums a bashing. Is it really like this? Even if i dont like seeing my MIL , i would never stop my husband or my kids from seeing her or cause a fight between them. Shes his mum!!. Ive asked a lot of questions in one post but im really for thoughts and experiences over what do you do with your Mil when you dont get along with her and does anyone ever get along with her at all!!
Thanks for reading.

My MIL is wonderful. She is caring and loving, supportive and not at all interfering.
I meet up with her without DH there. In fact DH usually gets annoyed with her and I end up sticking up for her and calming him down!
FIL the same and I'd say all my family in law are wonderful. I get on with them all very well.

I have a great MIL (FIL on the other hand is a pain in the arse)! I wouldn't go blogging or posting about her though, that would be weird. She brought her children up to be kind and lovely and is great with her grandchildren. Neither DH or I are that prickly though, we don't tend to lose sleep over how we think people should behave.

I think a lot of people who complain about their MILs are the future MILs from hell. Some people just think things should be a certain way and take offence easily. I could have easily predicted who would have IL issues, they had a trail of flat mate issues, classmate issues etc behind them. Not everybody, some people are unlucky, but I think it is important to remember that half the relationship is down to us. I'm shocked when people don't afford a family member the level of basic politeness you would a stranger.

Flowersonthewall

Now, after reading all that, I am wondering if there is anyone, anyone at all who get along with their inlaws

Are you genuinely asking if there is anyone on earth that gets on with their in-laws?

YABU. There will be MILLIONS that get on with theirs and MILLIONS that dont.

I really like my MIL, we get on well, we’re not ‘friends’ exactly but rub along nicely. She’s good with the kids, kind, and raised my lovely husband so I can’t complain really.

I love my MIL. She’s really great. Funny, kind, generous, reliable, strong, a great grandparent and a brilliant role model! Basically everything my own mother isn’t!

I think, as with any family conflict, why there is conflict matters a great deal re how you go about reducing the conflict.

Love all these positive posts. As a mother of a son I had started to lose hope.

Loved my MiL. Love my 2 DS's girlfriends - we often meet up without the menfolk.

AndNone - how horrible for DH and you.

MiL and I get on ok. I find her difficult but try not to show that. She means well and would help us out if we needed her too.

My MIL was barking mad but a total sweetie. My DIL is just amazing. I'm a little shy with her but shouldn't be really. I don't think she'd have a problem telling me if I were out of order (I do have an awful tendency to open my mouth and say something without the brain getting a look-in - like telling an off-colour joke in DGC's hearing), but generally she just gives DS a little look and he tells me, tactfully, straight away because they're on the same page. Which is how it should be. I do sometimes wonder if a poster moaning on here about her MIL might be her, I certainly hope not...

I love my mil we get on well and have a laugh. She really helps out with childcare and saves us s hell of a lot of money. We lived with them for a bit and that wasn't an issue either, maybe I'm lucky

I got on well with my mother in law. She was elderly and in poor health, and sadly she passed away last year without having met our daughter (who was born a week before she died and was in NNU). I feel sorry for those who have mother in law issues though it must be a nightmare. I was lucky though, I had a lovely mother in law for a year.

I get on OK with my MIL. She lives abroad though, so we don't have much direct contact which probably makes things easier.

My lovely, sweet mil died just over 10 years ago. I miss her to this day.

I have never had a MIL or FIL, as DH's parents died when he was a teenager, so have no experience of it. Then again, it could have saved me a lot of heartache going off some of the threads on here!

I think the problem comes when people universalise their own experience: "My MIL is lovely, therefore they all are"/"My MIL is awful, therefore they all are". If every person is unique, every relationship is too. Some are more functional than others.

I think part of the problem with the whole in law thing is that families can very easily stop listening to one another. It's like they start running on rails, and assumptions are then made about what someone thinks, wants or believes that are convenient for the observer and not actually in touch with that person's reality. This seems to happen more with people who are not good at accepting difference from their own ways than it does with people who are more tolerant and caring.

My DF adored his MiL, they were very close. He had an awful relationship with his own NARC mother who made him very unhappy, and I think she filled a big hole for him. But then she was the most lovely lady who had a warm heart and was easy to be with. He loved my gran (and grandad) to bits, and would have done anything for them.

Sadly, I do think a lot of it is really petty. Apart from safety concerns or abuse, I can't see a reason for causing drama in a family, but I think some people do feed on and love drama. In my case, I always got along with my MIL. Her sons do take some issue with her and have have always had their concerns about some things she did, but as far as I was concerned she was perfectly nice (certainly a lot less dysfunctional than my own family and I much enjoyed visiting her to visiting my mum, if I was to be honest!). So we always got along. That was unfortunately, until it was revealed that her partner (now husband) was a convicted paedophile and she had lied to me for 10 years and brought him around my daughter and also our daughter's friends at birthday parties, etc. We were completely oblivious to any of this and never would have thought that such a lovely person would do something like that. Our daughter, to the best of our knowledge and we are pretty confident, was never harmed as she was still little enough that she had very little contact with him unsupervised. But she's continued to lie and try to cover up his past and demanded they both still have contact with our daughter and sends cards and presents to her even after we've asked her to stop. So we no longer have any contact with her at all (my daughter and I) and my dh's relationship with her is minimal and distant at best, not because of me though, because he is genuinely hurt and angry at what she's done. So yes, I definitely think there are plenty of IL relationships that are wonderful and supportive. Certainly ours was for nearly a decade. But then there are also good reasons why they go south as well. In the middle I think there is a lot of pettiness those and people who just like to stir up trouble and assert their control over a situation and lots of head butting, which is sad and unfortunate. I would never wish being in this situation on anyone. It sucks to not have a good relationship with your MIL, though I know in terms of our dd's safety, there is no other way. But it still sucks a lot.

I get on ok with my MIL. I find her selfish and self-centred, but I have learned to live with it.

She does not treat my husband well at all, she didn't when he was a child, and she's pretty mean to him now. He is scared of upsetting her, so never says anything, and if I've learned one thing from MN, it's not to get involved! So I tell him that I will support him whatever he does, but I expect the same back.

MIL is obsessed with our children, her only grandchildren, to the point where she has stated that they are the reason she gets up in the morning, and she was in tears when DS1 started school because it meant she would no longer look after him once a week.

We've clashed a fair few times, but I have realised that she isn't going to change, she doesn't think she's done/is doing anything wrong. She makes demands and has expectations, and slowly we're making changes so that she realises that we're in charge, not her.

I see her as little as possible, and when I do see her I'm as pleasant as I can be. To be honest, what annoys me the most is the way my husband moans about her when we're alone but then bows to her every word when she's there. He's admitted before that if he has to choose between upsetting her and upsetting me, he'll upset me as I'll always forgive him. I put him straight on that one pretty quick! It is getting better.

So while I don't really like her very much, we have managed to get to a place where we can have a pleasant couple of hours with the children etc. I never see her alone, but I don't think she wants that either. She loves my kids, and while it can be suffocating and overbearing at times, it can't be a bad thing.

I adore my in-laws. My mother-in-law passed away sadly, but my FIL always treated me like a daughter. He actually treats me much better than his son. We have long conversations about history or politics, and he adores my kids. I have 3 SIL who are also amazing and have always included me in everything and made me feel part of the family. When I got married the eldest said to me that she now had a new sister, and this has stuck with me. I have actually visited them all in different countries without my husband, even stayed 3 months with my FIL once.

The really funny thing is that I am a white European woman married to a Muslim man from abroad, so according to Mumsnet they should hate me or disown their son for being with a foreigner . They are amazing people and I know they have my best interests at heart, despite the fact that we speak different languages and have different backgrounds. There are sometimes little issues like they will buy tons of sweets and I don't usually allow my kids to have them at home, but I let it go because I know it is their way of showing love.

I love mine :) and often go stay with the in-laws without DH. We also go on family weekends away and never have any problems. I do count myself very lucky though after reading some of the threads on here!

I love my MIL, she's a better mum to me than my actual mother.

My parents in law are great. They aren't perfect, but neither am I and neither are my parents. I respect she loves her son and he loves her and she respects that he loves me and I love him. Neither of us expect him to take sides or only have one woman in his life. I think kits a huge bonus he has parents that care about him and support him, and I think it's great my children have grandparents that dote on them, even if we disagree over food!

But I do see that some daughter in laws are horrible and some mother in laws are horrible and some families both parties are being stupid.

I'm very fond of my PILs, and they are of me too (I think!). We don't live very close so maybe that helps 😀. They are both in decent health and have madly busy social lives, so they don't 'need' us for much. They are devoted to the DCs too. I'm really lucky I know

I love my MIL to bits, I affectionately call her and PIL Mam and Dad, because they are like that to me and we kiss and hug.....

She can be matriarchal sometimes and occasionally does things that drive me nuts, but so does my OH, I still love him 😆