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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do you initiate sex?

58 replies

incognitoday · 11/04/2007 12:04

I was raised a Catholic but have not practised for many years. I believe my upbringing had a profound effect on my sexuality as I am unable to initiate sex with my DH even though I'm not hung up about my body, am reasonably attractive, have never had an abusive sexual experience and quite enjoy sex once we get into it. But our sex life is dwindling because he thinks I'm not interested and don't find him attractive. He's fed up of initiating all the time. I also find it hard to be open, flirtatious, fun etc I'm 42 and still believe that nice girls don't! Can anyone help with this??

OP posts:
TeeCee · 11/04/2007 12:09

Nice gils do!

How about just scratching his back in bed and then letting that lead somewhere else.

A cuddle, a kiss

Give him a massage

Get in the shower with him

Book a night away somewhere

You enjoy sex so get on with it girl!

Get yourself in the mood, read a saucy book orhave a bath and get to know yourself a bit better!

BandofMothers · 11/04/2007 12:10

I'm nice, and I do

He's so up for it since dd2 caused a bit of a drought that I just have to look at him a certain way and he practically drags me upstairs.

That is not constructive for you tho. How about a nice candlelit dinner, wearing something nice, sexy, somewhat revealing.
Then perhaps a slow, long kiss and press your body on his. Look into his eyes too. He should get the message.

michaelad · 11/04/2007 12:16

Caught ya! Aren't you one lucky girl, BoM!

LoveMyGirls · 11/04/2007 12:17

I think its an individual thing, what turns me on or apeals to my partner might not apeal to you or yours.

I think the important thing is about feeling close to him and feeling like you want to show him your affection in a way you will both enjoy.

A few ideas....
try doing it in another part of the house when he's least expecting it.
there are loads of ways to initiate it like wearing nice under wear and letting him catch a glimse to leaning over whilst watching tv and undressing him and completely leading the way (he's already expressed he wants you to take the lead for a change so may be pleasantly suprised by this?)
you could go to a sex shop together or look on the ann summers website to openly talk about what you would both like to try out etc

Have fun!!

Summerfruit · 11/04/2007 12:17

Message withdrawn

SpookyMadMummy · 11/04/2007 12:19

Make time for sex without interruptions. Turn off the TV, unplug the phone, lock the doors.... Have a nice meal and TALK.
half of it is communication..

Ifonlyhewould · 11/04/2007 12:21

send him a text

KerryMum · 11/04/2007 12:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

michaelad · 11/04/2007 12:21

There are lots of ways but -
cuddling up to him in bed
giving him a passionate kiss when he least expects it
Or sometimes I just flat out tell him!!

Original poster
incognitoday · 11/04/2007 12:29

Thanks everyone - I'm reading them all. The ideas you give are not new to me so WHY can't I just do it? I can't blame it on the kids - we're past that stage and I made full use of them as an excuse when they were younger. That's why I need to really sort it out now or he might start playing away. He IS attractive, successful I'm sure lots of women would fancy him so I need to get a grip. I wonder if part of it is a fear that he will reject me if I make a move? I never felt that my dad loved me and he was horrible to my mum so I wonder if I'm carrying this around with me as well as the catholicism - thanks for your thoughts Kerrymum. Are you Catholic?

OP posts:
schnorkle · 11/04/2007 12:35

I lick his balls.

Leoness · 11/04/2007 12:37

You need a makeover... not a drastic one.... but a day to a spa and a bit of a tan really helps........ be waxed, plucked, trimmed or depilated.
You have to feel sexy to send out the right pheromones (-sp?). If you feel sexy you'll look sexy...whatever you wear
It's all a state of mind so work with things you know make you feel great, sexy or happy...

... crisp ironed white bedsheets
...no kids for the day (or two!!)
... some Clarins Eau Dynamisante... it works because it's for men and women and it's an all over body spray which subtle aromas lift off your skin when you get sweaty!! -hopefully!
....a bottle of Pinot Grigio and a light dinner...

no telly....say it's broken and unplug it
run him a bath, hot but not too hot he goes straight to sleep!

More Pinot Grigio and say you'll rub his shoulders or wash his back....

then kiss him

lots of snogging first

good luck

...might try it myself tonight!!

Let us know how you get on xx

KerryMum · 11/04/2007 12:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Leoness · 11/04/2007 12:39

Oh and I'm a catholic...convent girl

only makes you more sexy!!

mumto3girls · 11/04/2007 12:42

If you can't do anythina at the moment then how about just buying him a lttle card and writing..'I love the way you...or I Love it when you...or I never want you to stop...'etc etc

O jus write I'm sorry I nevr make the first move ut I'm always pleased when you d. I think about it far morethan you kno and still love you to bits...

Sorry my wireless keyboards batteries are oing and I kee missingout letters...

Original poster
incognitoday · 11/04/2007 12:51

It struck a chord when Kerrymum said I might be scared of feeling silly/foolish. I do remember quite a lot of humiliation as a child and I've grown up a very sensible, feet on the ground sort of person so noone will laugh at me.

I will try out the 'getting myself in the mood' ideas and report back as you've all been so kind to help me out here. Don't know if I can go straight in with the ball-licking though ...!!

Would still be interested to read others' ideas and experience.

OP posts:
sexylady · 11/04/2007 14:22

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custy · 11/04/2007 14:24

" dya fancy a bit i'm desperate"

which rather sadly is quite usual.

i can't hold sex for ransom for long, and dh seems to be able to go for months.

he did try at 2.40 am the other night i told him to fuck off.

i mean 2.40 am - the man has no brain. now he wont try for ages, and quite frnakly my patience is wearing thin. i'm sick of asking for it.

TeeCee · 11/04/2007 14:31

You don't have to suddenly turn into a rampant slut to iniate sex. Just lay next to him and stroke his arms and kiss his shoulder and I'm sure he'll get the idea.

Twinmummyx2 · 11/04/2007 14:33

Ask him on a date up to the bedroom....

Thats what i do...dp is usually on battefield on-line and i will give him a flash and say..i'm going up, will be awake for 5 mins......are you coming??? ..he usually does....and if he dosen't he is sorry the next day......

..they like to feel needed sometimes...bless..lol

IamBlossom · 11/04/2007 14:33

sorry but PMSL at licking balls as initiation.

rather unromantically in our house it tends to be something like "Do you fancy a rudie cuddle? Wink Wink nudge nudge! and upstairs we go. Recently because of 2 young DSs (2.7 and 8 months) I'm so knackered by bedtime it is a bad idea to wait till then, so I find just after kids going to bed early evening is a great time. Can both have showers, hop into bed, then relax for the rest of the eveneing and even goto bed at different times without the other one getting a cob on.....

wurlywurly · 11/04/2007 14:34

I shout "shag me" from the top of the stairs.

prettymum · 11/04/2007 14:35

hmm last night scenario

im falling asleep on couch
dp-tells me go to bed as i fell asleep on couch night before.
i force myself up, get a shower and come nack to living room to find him snoring away on couch
i spend 1 min trying to wake him and when i do i tell him to get his arse up and get to bed as my period starts in two days and we need to get as much sex in the 2 days as possible.
cue dp to fall asleep again.
5 min later after sorting my self out i wake him and i go bed. he comes to bed 10 mins later and we have sex.

Boco · 11/04/2007 14:36

Is getting a cob on not vital for this sorta business? Or do i not understand what a cob is.

TeeCee · 11/04/2007 14:38

Or if you find it hard to be the main initiator just be very available iykwim. You don't have to grab his crothch or come down in suspenders brandishing a whip and a mask, you cna just play footsie in bed, little thing slike that.

Sex is about showing your love for someone as well as fulfiulling a need that we all have. It isn't dirty, although it can be if you want it to be. It's natural, it's wonderful, it's important, it's what makes you a couple.