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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If I go downstairs right now I'm going to flip my lid

91 replies

PlayOnWurtz · 14/10/2017 10:18

I work near on full time. I have significant health issues. Dh is a bit of a cock lodger and doesn't work but he also doesn't do the house. I've been on strike for a few weeks now and slowly the washing has stacked up, the carpet is filthy with dog hair, the dinner table covered in paperwork.

I've had a lay in this morning as I'm having a flare up compounded by a heavy period that's making me feel anaemic and not sleeping at night. I can hear DH on the PlayStation shooting shit.

I'm going to hit the roof if I go downstairs.

This was a rant really so don't feel you have to reply

OP posts:
category12 · 14/10/2017 11:19

Oh if you're married, sorry, that's different - you need to see a lawyer before you do anything.

LuckLuckLUCK · 14/10/2017 11:19

If you're married then the house elongated to both of you.

How long have you been married?

If you've not been married long then I think it would be unfair to take half the house.

Just get a lovely little flat. That's what I have and I am very happy.

Mishappening · 14/10/2017 11:20

"It will make him miserable"!! Stone the crows! He's fallen on his feet with you hasn't he?

MidnightRain · 14/10/2017 11:21

In all honesty he sounds lazy and it sounds like your not actually getting anything from this relationship. The whole point of a relationship is that both partners support each other it’s 50/50. If he can’t even so much as do a dish or pick up after himself is he worth all the stress he’s causing you?

Why should you have to clean up after everyone all the time, he should be doing his share.

Undercoverbanana · 14/10/2017 11:22

I thought the house had been left to him in a will? Then it's his house, surely? You can't demand something you haven't paid for. That's as bad a cock-lodging isn't it?

TiramisuQueenoftheFaeries · 14/10/2017 11:23

Lord, just go. You would be so much happier in a clean quiet place on your own. Living on your own might be a bit intimidating for the first week or two but then you'd be fine.

musicform · 14/10/2017 11:31

this was my DH a few months ago - i managed 2 days on strike and went mental - tears and all. I cleaned up but he does manage to help now

Penfold007 · 14/10/2017 11:32

As you married you have part ownership of the inherited property. Get legal advice and go from there.

musicform · 14/10/2017 11:32

I should say that this is the only downside (for me) to him. Otherwise im very happy - before people start saying I should LTB Smile

Fluffycloudland77 · 14/10/2017 11:34

I'd find out if the house is half yours. Divorce courts do like things to be fair & you are responsible for the food in his stomach & I bet you pay for everything too. You've basically kept him like you would a child but he's not going to grow up and move out.

One of old colleagues split from her dp because he paid the very low mortgage & she paid for the kids, all the bills & food.

He literally brushed her off when she said I spend more than you on this family & spent thousands on his hobby.

musicform · 14/10/2017 11:35

you can check on the Land Registry for £3 whether the house is his or whether it is left on a life interest trust for him (you said neither of your own it but it was left to him in the will - its one or the other). If the former it will be part of any divorce settlement, if the latter, he probably only has the right to live in it

PurplePillowCase · 14/10/2017 11:37

flip your lid.
make an appoinment with a solicitor and start divorce.
find a new flat for yourself.

good luck!

ADishBestEatenCold · 14/10/2017 11:37

"You're all right. I know you are. I just keep trying to justify it to myself as to why I'm still here."

Actually, he is not responsible for the low value you put upon yourself. It really is up to you to decide what is and is not acceptable in your life.

You both sound very young. I do wonder if there is an element of being "as bad as each other", here.

Are you married to each other and do you have children?

Pajamagirl · 14/10/2017 11:38

It is a marital asset
Speak to a lawyer
Speak to dh tell him what needs to change asap
And then if no change you will know what ur options are

Don't be scared hon , you will never look back
Peaceful clean house / flat without running round after 2 yr old . Sorry meant dh !

Nanny0gg · 14/10/2017 11:39

It says 'DH' in the OP...

So you have rights, you should start planning, you will probably feel tons better without a dead weight around your neck.

VioletCharlotte · 14/10/2017 11:41

Don't flip your lid. Save your energy and channel it into planning your exit strategy. People like this don't change - he may well be nice, but he's lazy. You've either got to accept that and live with it, or get out.

Fishface77 · 14/10/2017 11:42

Yes it's a marital asset.
Spend nothing on the house.
Don't pay the bills.
Take your name of everything so your credit history is not affected.
Save save save and leave.
The home may be a marital asset so he may have to buy you out or vice Versa.

C8H10N4O2 · 14/10/2017 11:44

He refuses to go into paid employment as he says it will make him miserable

Is he 15?

BalloonSlayer · 14/10/2017 11:46

Not saying that it doesn't sound awful and you shouldn't leave, but you can't really call him a cock lodger given it's his house and you are living in it though.

OurMiracle1106 · 14/10/2017 11:47

How about you working for a living, coming home to a thoughtless partner who can’t be arsed to do basic chores making you miserable and angry??

Either be the stay at home dad and clean cook etc or get a fucking job!!! We all have to do things we don’t like

user1499419331 · 14/10/2017 11:47

Is he my ex? He sounds like it. Man I am so glad to be single honestly.

WitchesHatRim · 14/10/2017 11:53

Not saying that it doesn't sound awful and you shouldn't leave, but you can't really call him a cock lodger given it's his house and you are living in it though.

I agree. I'm guessing he would say his contribution is the roof over their heads.

Doesn't however mean that his behaviour isn't awful.

Leave.

FeeLock28 · 14/10/2017 11:54

Suggest you approach the Citizen's Advice Bureau or similar for how to de-couple yourself financially. Emotionally, it sounds as though you have little to lose.

Good luck!

Madbum · 14/10/2017 11:58

You’re using each other, he’s your hotel and you’re his money pit and maid.

Mix56 · 14/10/2017 12:02

well he'd have sell it, or go to work wouldn't he if he didn't have OP covering his arse.
Personally I would have got up, got dressed & left, gone to see friend/mum/to a hotel, & get some proper rest, & think this through.
All you need is a flat.... is that really so hard?