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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

If I go downstairs right now I'm going to flip my lid

91 replies

PlayOnWurtz · 14/10/2017 10:18

I work near on full time. I have significant health issues. Dh is a bit of a cock lodger and doesn't work but he also doesn't do the house. I've been on strike for a few weeks now and slowly the washing has stacked up, the carpet is filthy with dog hair, the dinner table covered in paperwork.

I've had a lay in this morning as I'm having a flare up compounded by a heavy period that's making me feel anaemic and not sleeping at night. I can hear DH on the PlayStation shooting shit.

I'm going to hit the roof if I go downstairs.

This was a rant really so don't feel you have to reply

OP posts:

viques · 14/10/2017 10:51

Strikes me that the "looking after" he does for you could be done just as well without him living with you and crapping up your space. He could move out, set up his play station elsewhere and just pop back for a bit of "looking after you" when you felt the need. In the meantime, you could enjoy your down time in a clean peaceful house which would probably make you feel a lot more relaxed and happy.

debbs77 · 14/10/2017 10:51

I had a cocklodger too. Best thing I did was kick him out. And it wasn't a decision I took lightly. It made me a single parent with lots of children and STILL every day I am happier

Crunchymum · 14/10/2017 10:52

Is this your house OP? He has no claim on It?

I think you seriously need to consider asking him to leave, you are being taken for a prize fool.

UrsulaPandress · 14/10/2017 10:54

I hope this is a wind up.

Sunnyx · 14/10/2017 10:55

Sorry, but why would he go to work and do housework if he doesn’t have to. Do you always avoid “hitting the roof” so he gets away with his lazy behaviour? You should hit the roof every day until he gets off his backside.

HeppyKestrel · 14/10/2017 10:56

Turn the router off....

May50 · 14/10/2017 10:57

Hi OP - I was in exactly the same position as you. ExP was a cocklodger , self-employed 'hobby', barely brought in any money but he didn't want to be employed and work for someone else. But he was so nice , a really 'sweet' lovable guy. With him for nearly a decade. I also had a DC with him. So made it harder. But I just grew to resent him more and more, lost all respect even though he was such a 'nice guy'. I gave him an ultimatum last year - get a job and contribute financially , and help in house (I work full time) or leave. He shrugged and left without a glance back. He now has a new girlfriend to cocklodge with - I'm wondering whether she'll be as much if a mug as me!
He pays no maintenance for DC, swans by once or twice a week for playtime but I get no overnights off , or help with school runs. But DC loves Daddy as he's fun and cuddly and buys treats. Not sure if you have kids with him, if not then don't.

StigmaStyle · 14/10/2017 10:57

He refuses to go into paid employment as he says it will make him miserable

Hahahahahahahahahaha
Welcome to the world of millions of working people!

Diddums. If he loved you (or just had any respect at all) he would accept that working for money isn't a bed of roses, rather than sit back and let you be miserable! Being nice doesn't make up for not pulling your weight. And as PP says if he's that nice, he can still do that without you having to house and feed him and pick up his mess.

Plus while many jobs aren't much fun, working can give you a sense of purpose, satisfaction (even if its just because you bring in money) and self-respect which he badly needs.

Original poster

PlayOnWurtz · 14/10/2017 10:58

You're all right. I know you are. I just keep trying to justify it to myself as to why I'm still here.

The house is neither of ours - it was left to him in a will via another relative so I would need to leave. Perhaps that's why I stay. It's convenient and I'm scared of taking on full responsibility for a house myself.

OP posts:

Pajamagirl · 14/10/2017 10:59

He thinks youre his mum and he is like a lazy teenager
He doesn't work.
Cos. he would b miserable .? Really ? But it's ok for you to b miserable ?
He need a kick up the arse and then out the door if he doesn't get his act together pronto
Works but brings in no money , he is having a laugh

Pajamagirl · 14/10/2017 11:00

How old r u both ?
Seriously share with a gf if you have to but this is going nowhere and you already know it .

Carriecakes80 · 14/10/2017 11:01

Get out, this isn't good for you or him. I was in a crappy one sided relationship like this, with two young boys, then realised, I'm not happy. I stayed single for 9 years (wasn't going to bring in just anyone to my kids lives, saw enough of that with my own parents, who apparently never learned how to enjoy their own company) but I was happy just being Mum, until I met my husband, who is my equal in everything, in fact, I'm ashamed to say he's better than me lol. Today for example he's taking our ten yr old daughter on her first 'date' with him and his Mum lol. (he's moving to Italy so she's trying to have some happy memories with her 'One true Love' ;-)
Anyways, my point is, I was bloody happy being single, even happier now I know amazing men do still exist...do yourself a favour xxxxxxxxxxx

deepestdarkestperu · 14/10/2017 11:03

It makes me so sad to see women put up with this shit in relationships.

makemyminduptime · 14/10/2017 11:06

How does he contribute to bills, food shopping etc? Does he have enough savings that mean he doesn't need to work??

Fatarseflanagan09 · 14/10/2017 11:06

He refuses to take paid employment because it would make him miserable?so you're sat upstairs in pain and he's down there sat in his own mess refusing to clean up after himself because clearly that would interfere with his playtime, sorry but he'd be out the door followed by his PlayStation bouncing off the back of his fucking head.

Jb291 · 14/10/2017 11:08

Seriously OP I would be getting rid now. He doesn't work and is so lazy that he doesn't even do the housework. He says he won't go into employment because it might make him "miserable". What a pathetic cocklodging arsehole. There are days that I and most other people find work to be a misery but because we are responsible adults we get on with it. Stop enabling him to sponge off you.

Do you have close family or friends nearby?? Do you have children?? I know you feel absolutely wretched now but just imagine a calm clean tidy house where you aren't have to support this pathetic waste of space. If the house was inherited from one his relatives has it been transferred into his name or is it a joint asset. You do need to get some legal advice. Can you make an appointment to see a solicitor? You do have options and you do have the right to walk away if living like this is dragging you down.

Nanny0gg · 14/10/2017 11:10

These threads make me despair!

Why are you with him? What on earth is the point?

If you were on your own, even with working full time and health issues, your life would be a whole lot easier, calmer and more restful as your environment would be so much better.

He's not even paying his way!

ReanimatedSGB · 14/10/2017 11:10

Look, I think you should dump him and he's a lazy tosser but if the house belongs to him, and he isn't charging you rent, then that is a contribution.
You can't 'throw him out' when he owns the house.
It probably is a good idea to work out what you can afford by way of a rented house. Depending on your health issues, would you be entitled to any home care, or benefits? It's better for your mental health to be single rather than waiting for help from a lazy, selfish partner who does what you need grudgingly if he does it at all.

SleepFreeZone · 14/10/2017 11:11

Well I suppose he is contributing in that you don't pay any rent? If so then that's something st least.

Undercoverbanana · 14/10/2017 11:11

So you are living in his house.

You can just pack your stuff and go.

No explanation or legalities required.

He has inherited and so doesn't need to house himself and has a live-in girlfriend as a slave and to work to pay bills and buy food. He is a spoilt child.

Is that all you want from life?

Slimthistime · 14/10/2017 11:11

OP I lived alone from 25
Two years before that I had a flat mate who was a drunk, and the ones before weren't exactly responsible

It's fine and easy to live alone, honestly. I have a flat rather than a house but plenty of single friends live in houses, it's a pleasure not a problem.

Fluffycloudland77 · 14/10/2017 11:12

Well you don't need a house, a flat would be OK for one person.

Slimthistime · 14/10/2017 11:13

Also you're married
You might have a claim on the house, don't walk away without sorting that.

pompomcat · 14/10/2017 11:14

Have my very first LTB OP. Rent-free home is NOT enough (especially as you do and pay for everything else!) to justify staying. for you.

category12 · 14/10/2017 11:18

If it's his house, then he's not a cocklodger as such.

You'd be better moving out and leaving him to live in filth without your income. Currently he's doing very nicely indeed.

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