He has lied

[Phoebeandme]

Hi all,

I have been with my partner 3yrs. We live together. He a few years older than me and not really had much experience in ways of relationships. Never been married, no children and only one long term relationship. It has been a rocky Road in places and we have really taken our time as I have a son.

This time last year we were looking at moving. In a nutshell he had a nervous breakdown, fell in to deep depression and It was deeply damaging to us.

This came about as the thought of buying a home (due to past experiences) has given him this deep seated anxiety (always had issues with anxiety). We got ourselves back on track after counselling and given him the time he asked for. I ha e done everything he asked with no pressure etc

I have been patient and we have spoken about the future and we are on the same page except we cannot move forward because of this whole house thing.(renting is not an option)

Well it came about that a lovely house come up for sale. We viewed it, he put in an offer, discussed offers that others had put in, tang the estate agents every day and he updated me. I told him how proud I was of him.
Well this house fell through and the offer was too high. We found another house. We both love it and he called the estate agent and we viewed it. We discussed offers again and he called up and put one in and booked another viewing. We chatted about it, what did the agent say etc. How high should we go etc. At the second viewing yesterday he got in the car looking like death.

It transpires all of the above was a lie, every call (except viewings) was a lie. He lied to my face about phone calls, offers, counter offers etc. He wanted to buy some time as it causes him such anxiety.

I’m devastated, not slept all night. We talked about it. He knows what he has done is terribly wrong and I don’t deserve it at-all but he finds it hard. He doesn’t want to see me upset. He loves us all and besides this we have had a wonderful relationship. Have the best time together.

He wants the life we have talked about but the anxiety just snowballs.

I have asked him outright. Is it us that is the problem? Commitment etc. He has answered No. I do believe that as the truth.

I have never given him an ultimatum but last night I said it’s either us, we do the house thing or he leaves. He is not putting my son and I through this again.

I’m in turmoil. He hasn’t cheated I trust completely. This deception has utterly destroyed me it feels like I have been cheated on.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

Please don't move in with this man. a) I don't think he really wants to and b) he needs to sort out his issues first. You will never know where you are with him.

Unfortunately he and OP already live together.

His anxiety is the OW in your relationship and she has priority. Everything between you is peachy just as long as you don't expect or suggest anything that threatens her position. You have your place and it isn't equal to or above hers and he will duck and weave (lie) to keep you 'happy' protect her position.

The balls in your court, either continue being the third wheel in your relationship and stand still or, start making plans for you and your son's future.

If you told him to leave, surely he'd have to either rent or buy? Where was he living before he moved in with you?

There's no going back from this because you can no longer trust anything he says without corroborated evidence. He said that moving is something he wants, is it really? He also said, its got nothing to do with how he feels about your relationship, are you sure about that?

His anxiety could be very real but it's also a convenient thing to hide behind, to avoid doing things he doesn't want to do.

I know what it's like to compartmentalise a partner's issues and to hang on to the hope that if they were resolved, that the relationship would be perfect. However, once one fire is extinguished another will appear because his issues probably aren't isolated, they are part of a pattern of behaviours that can only be addressed by him. However, he doesn't want your support to overcome them, he wants you to accommodate them.

You aren't and never were on the same page because he lied about reading the damn book.

Can you afford to buy something alone? Frankly that’s what I would be doing. You can then decide whether or not to continue to date him. As is, you’re putting your life on hold for a man, who can run a business, negotiate deals but can not negotiate buying a house. Something doesn’t add up to me.

Yes, he may have anxiety. But he’s using it, playing with it, enabling it. Perhaps he’s not doing it in a cool, calculated way but he’s been enabled by his family and he’s living what he learned. And the lessons were very poor and his behaviour as a result is pretty sinister. Beware beware beware.

Oh fuck this.

I've been in your position before, partner of a "highly strung" man who used to get crippling bouts of anxiety whenever life required him to step up.

He's an XH now as I clocked eventually he just wasn't that into me and his "condition" was just a fat load of responsibility avoiding bollocks.

Deep down this man does not want to buy with you. He has allowed events to happen to go along with you until he absolutely had to come clean

When people do this this it because they do not feel able to express their feelings or may not even know how strong their feelings are until backed into a corner. No reflection on you

His actions reflect his real feelings. He is not going to buy with you at least not in the short term. You should look for somewhere suitable with your son if you do not want to continue living where you are

Is he taking medication for his anxiety? Is he going to counselling?

Anxiety is awful but I'm not sure that lying to get your own way is a symptom of anxiety.

If he is running a company he must be used to change and speaking to people.

Did you attend the mortgage appointment? Is his income real? You can check on companies house how the business is doing if it's ltd.

I am not sure he actually suffers from anxiety. From what you have said, I think he uses it as an excuse when he doesn't get his own way in life.

Please leave this man.

I don't think it's generalised anxiety, but he's probably commitment phobic. It's a real thing. I had a great book about it but it was borrowed by an acquaintance with these issues and never returned - possibly telling in itself. It doesn't bode well at all. It is a nightmare to be in a relationship like this and no hope of change unless the person themselves actually sees it's time to face the problem head on and get help. And this is not where OP's partner is at at all.

I’m sorry @Phoebeandme but if he owns his own company and can function at that level day to day managing phone calls, staff, taxes, purchasing and everything else that goes with it it’s definitely not anxiety holding him back from being able to buy a house.

He’s shamelessly using a very real and extremely difficult mental health disorder to mask his non committal behaviour.

You need to take a step back from him, protect your son.

Who is this man? 3 years you’ve been with him and you’ve been led to believe he has no past relationships?

You need to do some serious digging. Something isn’t right.

It sounds to me like he doesn't want to commit personally and is anxious about committing.

He is treating you really badly OP and I don’t know why you think this is going to change in the future.
You and your son deserve better.

bastardkitty what was the name of the book about commitment? I'm, er, asking for a friend.

OP please don't buy a house with him. That will be the biggest financial mistake you'll ever make. Read the story from a PP about her husband who ignored all communication from the mortgage company and lost her house. Your son needs a stable place to live. Could you afford to buy alone?

Also the depth of his lies, multiple times and to your face, is just shocking. You can't believe a word out of his mouth now. He doesn't love you, he can't, he looked you in the eyes and lied, now he's hiding behind his 'anxiety' (a flare up of which always seems to result getting you to back off and pussyfoot around him - funny that).

Please protect the best interests of yourself and your son.

I'm trying to remember...let me look back through my Amazon orders.

OMG then I remembered - He's scared, She's scared: understanding the hidden fears that can sabotage your relationships. It's very American/heterosexual/men are commitment-phobic/women who choose them. But if you can ignore that it's quite a helpful read, both for people who are commitment phobic and people who get drawn to them.

Thanks bastardkitty

Please OP get out of this now.
Please don't fall for the lies and the deceit .
Please don't let him drag you down too,and lose your self esteem.
Please put your child first and that means long term . Imagine the messages he is sending out to this child , that it is ok to lie and manipulate to get your own way .
Please ,no matter how hard it is,walk away

anxiety or no anxiety, it doesnt excuse him leading you on. If he doesnt want to buy, then fair enough, but have the balls to say so. I do wonder if there is a financial reason you are unaware of why he 'cant'/wont buy if notthen he clearly doesntw ant that level of financial entaglement, so either accept it and stay put , tell him the house is crap and as its all coming down to you , you are going to sell and rent somewhere more suitable or tell him to get somewhere himself whilst he decides what he is/isnt prepared to do.