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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He has lied

95 replies

Phoebeandme · 14/10/2017 08:24

Hi all,

I have been with my partner 3yrs. We live together. He a few years older than me and not really had much experience in ways of relationships. Never been married, no children and only one long term relationship. It has been a rocky Road in places and we have really taken our time as I have a son.

This time last year we were looking at moving. In a nutshell he had a nervous breakdown, fell in to deep depression and It was deeply damaging to us.

This came about as the thought of buying a home (due to past experiences) has given him this deep seated anxiety (always had issues with anxiety). We got ourselves back on track after counselling and given him the time he asked for. I ha e done everything he asked with no pressure etc

I have been patient and we have spoken about the future and we are on the same page except we cannot move forward because of this whole house thing.(renting is not an option)

Well it came about that a lovely house come up for sale. We viewed it, he put in an offer, discussed offers that others had put in, tang the estate agents every day and he updated me. I told him how proud I was of him.
Well this house fell through and the offer was too high. We found another house. We both love it and he called the estate agent and we viewed it. We discussed offers again and he called up and put one in and booked another viewing. We chatted about it, what did the agent say etc. How high should we go etc. At the second viewing yesterday he got in the car looking like death.

It transpires all of the above was a lie, every call (except viewings) was a lie. He lied to my face about phone calls, offers, counter offers etc. He wanted to buy some time as it causes him such anxiety.

I’m devastated, not slept all night. We talked about it. He knows what he has done is terribly wrong and I don’t deserve it at-all but he finds it hard. He doesn’t want to see me upset. He loves us all and besides this we have had a wonderful relationship. Have the best time together.

He wants the life we have talked about but the anxiety just snowballs.

I have asked him outright. Is it us that is the problem? Commitment etc. He has answered No. I do believe that as the truth.

I have never given him an ultimatum but last night I said it’s either us, we do the house thing or he leaves. He is not putting my son and I through this again.

I’m in turmoil. He hasn’t cheated I trust completely. This deception has utterly destroyed me it feels like I have been cheated on.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

OP posts:

category12 · 14/10/2017 10:20

Can you buy alone?

bastardkitty · 14/10/2017 10:22

He wants 2 days to think about the house - no. No more stalling and he doesn't get to set the timeframe or choose the outcome. Get some balls and kick him out of the shithole you are living in because of him. Give yourself some space and time to decide what you want. Get counselling, for yourself, not to look at how you can help him. Use it to think about you and why you think this is all you deserve.

AdalindSchade · 14/10/2017 10:23

Don't buy a house with him! Don't do anything serious or important with him, ever.

Tentomidnight · 14/10/2017 10:24

Walk away. You can't fix his anxiety, and even if you buy a house with him, you will never be able to trust him with any of the big stuff.
This reminds me of the thread where the OP's husband lied that he had entered their son his 11+ exam. He put his own issues ahead of his child's.
In your case your DS is your responsibilty, and your DP is potentially nothing more than a distracting sideshow.

Tentomidnight · 14/10/2017 10:24

FizzyGreenWater · 14/10/2017 10:29

'Both'? Try and forget about 'both'.

He sounds like an unstable person who should not really be living with you and your child.

Can you buy alone? Because if a driver here is the fact that without him you can't buy a house, then that could be the biggest mistake of your life. Far bigger than renting for longer.

DianaT1969 · 14/10/2017 10:32

Are you both earning similar incomes? Does one have more money for the deposit than the other? Wondering if there is an imbalance that makes him nervous and causes you to take a back seat. If it were my money (or half my money) I'd be keeping in touch with the estate agent myself.

LIZS · 14/10/2017 10:33

He wanted to do it because he knew he could prevaricate and sabotage your plans. It isn't anxiety about housebuying per se but the commitment he would be making. If you took it on to make the home happen he would soon feel trapped and resent it, possibly leaving you in the lurch. Your dreams are not the same as his, put your ds first and move on.

ElspethFlashman · 14/10/2017 11:14

he wanted to do it. I offered to do it, I said I would do it all so it would ease his anxiety. But it flatly refused

Shocker. He knew if you did it it would actually happen. If he did it - it wouldn't. No wonder he was so insistent.

And what's going to miraculously change in the space of 48 hrs?

He's stalling. And after the 48 hrs I'm predicting it'll switch to having some sort of nervous breakdown again, that you'll have to support him through. Again.

I really hope you're prepared to follow through on your ultimatum or its worthless.

RainyApril · 14/10/2017 11:19

He 'wanted to do it' because he knew he could lie to you and not do it.

I don't understand why you are thinking twice about ending it. The rest of your life will be spent doing absolutely everything whilst checking that he's not lying about his commitments.

If he loved you and your son, and wanted to live with you forever, he would have found a way of making the house purchase happen. He is happy enough with you for now but doesn't see it lasting forever, and his only anxiety is trying to wriggle out of making a binding financial commitment with you.

Myheartbelongsto · 14/10/2017 11:21

He just doesn't want to buy a house with you does he and if I were you I'd be moving along.

He can't help his anxiety so to carry on with this it would be you putting your son through this and not him.

Original poster

Phoebeandme · 14/10/2017 11:34

I know he has had real issues with anxiety
All his life. My heart is broken and my son adores him. I would break his heart too. I’m in pieces. He clams up when I try to talk calmly about it then he lashes out and says things just to be spiteful. He has never been able to open up. He can’t imagine his life without us apparently. I can’t imagine him not in mine. I’m utterly crushed. I don’t know what to say to my son, the humiliation at work as I was so happy and genuinely thought this was it - everyone e wishing me good luck with the house viewing. The shame and humiliation I feel I cannot put into words- I really thought finally we had conquered it and I was so proud,,
I’m In shock. Trying to hold it together for my son.

I know this is the end of it but I just can’t make that final push. I have considered telling him to move out and we get some space - if he really wants us he would change right? But then he may never come back.

I know why he wanted 2 more days is just to buy time, then there is that stupid bit of hope in me that he means it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Phoebeandme · 14/10/2017 11:36

I have no family to help me through this. No friends. I’m alone and I’m not sure I can be strong enough for me and my son.

OP posts:

IamImportantToo · 14/10/2017 11:42

You can be strong enough for your son because you have to. I’m afraid it is as simple as that.

You may be surprised to find your life feels easier without this man in your life. He sounds exhausting.

Original poster

Phoebeandme · 14/10/2017 11:42

DiannaT1

There is an imbalance. He owns his own company and a very stressful job at that. I earn a good wage. We share the bills. I look after my own personal expenses.

I have asked him if it’s about money and he said No 😕

OP posts:

Fishface77 · 14/10/2017 11:45

He's lied to you over and over again and only told you because he was worried about getting caught out.
Think of your son and fuck this bloke of.

bastardkitty · 14/10/2017 11:47

Do you understand that if you don't end this you will live this again and again. You have to protect your son from this, even if you don't want to protect yourself. You talk as if he has no responsibility at all for his own actions and choices. He is an adult. He made these decisions. It doesn't really matter why.

bastardkitty · 14/10/2017 11:48

Crosspost - I prefer Fishface's version.

user1471449805 · 14/10/2017 12:30

He lives with you but doesn't want to buy with you - why do you think that is?

PashPash · 14/10/2017 12:43

He clams up when I try to talk calmly about it then he lashes out and says things just to be spiteful

Well then he's just a common or garden arsehole.

Stop making excuses for him. Ditch the Mills and Boon language, ffs he's just careful and deliberately royally fucked you over and you are using phrases from a teenage romance ( like 'my heart is breaking for him ' wtf?! ) Take a Hard headed look at what is actually happening.

Tough love. Sorry, not sorry.

silkpyjamasallday · 14/10/2017 12:52

If he can construct such a long winded and obviously believable lie about the house buying, you need to ask yourself what else he has lied convincingly about to you or will lie about in the future.

I don't buy the anxiety excuse, I have crippling anxiety, once so bad I didn't leave my flat for months, I would not have been capable of creating such a web of lies and maintaining it without having panic attacks and breaking down.

There is some other reason he is stalling and creating difficulties for you imo, and I don't think he is going to tell you.

user1471449805 · 14/10/2017 13:06

And how do you know he has his own company / does a stressful job / doesn't have other children etc? Because he told you? Even the nervous breakdown - was that an actual diagnosis from a real doctor? Are you sure?

This is the rest of your life and you're living with a liar.

Original poster

Phoebeandme · 14/10/2017 13:14

User1471. Because I have been to his office. Met the staff, heard the phone calls.
As for other children - I’m positive he has no other children.

OP posts:

OrangeCrush19 · 14/10/2017 13:14

Why do you think he lied, OP?

I have crippling anxiety. If I was anxious about something as specific as buying a house, and my partner offered to do all the admin, I'd say yes and thank them.

Why do you think he didn't 'let' you? Surely you can see this isn't about his anxiety.

I don't want to speculate, but have you seen written proof of his financial situation?

MudCity · 14/10/2017 13:20

The trouble is buying a house locks you in to earning a certain income. Does he feel that, by buying a house, he will be forced to continue in his stressful job when he would prefer to take a step down? As his mental health is fragile I can totally see how buying a house would be stressful but how, also, it 'traps' you into your job and your options can seem very limited.

Consider what you need to put first here....your DP's health and well-being or buying a house. Can you move to nicer rented accommodation as an interim measure while he seeks help with his anxiety?

If buying a house is more important to you than your DP's health then the relationship is over.

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