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Original poster

He has lied

95 replies

Phoebeandme · 14/10/2017 08:24

Hi all,

I have been with my partner 3yrs. We live together. He a few years older than me and not really had much experience in ways of relationships. Never been married, no children and only one long term relationship. It has been a rocky Road in places and we have really taken our time as I have a son.

This time last year we were looking at moving. In a nutshell he had a nervous breakdown, fell in to deep depression and It was deeply damaging to us.

This came about as the thought of buying a home (due to past experiences) has given him this deep seated anxiety (always had issues with anxiety). We got ourselves back on track after counselling and given him the time he asked for. I ha e done everything he asked with no pressure etc

I have been patient and we have spoken about the future and we are on the same page except we cannot move forward because of this whole house thing.(renting is not an option)

Well it came about that a lovely house come up for sale. We viewed it, he put in an offer, discussed offers that others had put in, tang the estate agents every day and he updated me. I told him how proud I was of him.
Well this house fell through and the offer was too high. We found another house. We both love it and he called the estate agent and we viewed it. We discussed offers again and he called up and put one in and booked another viewing. We chatted about it, what did the agent say etc. How high should we go etc. At the second viewing yesterday he got in the car looking like death.

It transpires all of the above was a lie, every call (except viewings) was a lie. He lied to my face about phone calls, offers, counter offers etc. He wanted to buy some time as it causes him such anxiety.

I’m devastated, not slept all night. We talked about it. He knows what he has done is terribly wrong and I don’t deserve it at-all but he finds it hard. He doesn’t want to see me upset. He loves us all and besides this we have had a wonderful relationship. Have the best time together.

He wants the life we have talked about but the anxiety just snowballs.

I have asked him outright. Is it us that is the problem? Commitment etc. He has answered No. I do believe that as the truth.

I have never given him an ultimatum but last night I said it’s either us, we do the house thing or he leaves. He is not putting my son and I through this again.

I’m in turmoil. He hasn’t cheated I trust completely. This deception has utterly destroyed me it feels like I have been cheated on.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

OP posts:
MudCity · 14/10/2017 13:23

OrangeCrush19 makes a good point. Is this a worry that, if you apply for a mortgage, he will need to disclose his finances?

mayhew · 14/10/2017 13:45

A friend of ours actually married a man like this. It turns out their whole relationship was based on lies. if she ever questioned him, it precipitated a mental health crisis.
If he said it was raining, you would be advised to look out of the window.
She has never recovered from the experience, emotionally and financially.

Original poster
Phoebeandme · 14/10/2017 14:15

Mud city - a mortgage was approved using both our incomes.

Orange crush - I think he is just scared. He loves us and he said he knows we need to do something with our living situation. I said ok we can rent somewhere nicer than the dump we live in but then he doesn’t want to waste money on renting. He doesn’t want us to tidy up where we live as he wants us to go and no point spending Money on the place only to move.

The problem is in his anxiety snowballs and spins out of control. I have suffered with it so I know but I am stronger than him in that I can rationalise what’s rational and irrational fears.

OP posts:
BackInTheRoom · 14/10/2017 14:18

Yes he may have anxiety but he sounds like he isn't committed to this relationship as well. Man this is shit OP. I feel really sorry for you. Is it too early for wine?

Original poster
Phoebeandme · 14/10/2017 14:23

I just want to hurt him not physically but a real punch in the guts emotionally so he can have some idea of what I feel. It’s terrible isn’t it. I don’t feel even chucking him out would do it. He will just have everyone tell him what he wants to hear, feel sorry for him ( as he won’t tell them the truth as it’s breaks the image he has constructed of himself) not tell him what an absolute disgrace he is and real c£&t

His family are lovely but equally pathetic with him and coddle him during his episodes. I had a lifetime of learning to survive around my mother and he has had someone to stroke his hair when he f&@ks up.

OP posts:
BackInTheRoom · 14/10/2017 14:56

Thing is OP, you're never going to know what's going on in his head but wow! That was spectacular lying!. If he can lie so convincingly, you'd never know from this day on, whether he was telling the truth?

OldGuard · 14/10/2017 15:05

Regardless of whether or not he loves you and you love him, you will never be able to completely trust him now - there will always be that little niggly doubt about every single thing he says. You can’t live that way. It will eat you alive. You need to go your own way. So sorry.

ShizeItsWeegie · 14/10/2017 15:31

You need to harden up and try and suppress the emotions a bit. Try really hard for a few days and then the scales will fall from your eyes and it will all feel easier. He sounds like he is used to wringing support and emotion of those expected to care for him when down too. See this as manipulation and you start to see the bigger picture here OP. It's shit but it is what it is.

FizzyGreenWater · 14/10/2017 15:49

You are putting all your energies into constructing as detailed a picture as you possibly can of him as, essentially, blameless. 'scared... loves us... irrational fears... spins out of control... my son loves him...'

All your interpretation.

You and your son would be far better served by looking at what has actually happened.

He has proven himself to be a duplicitous liar. That is the thing that matters and it won't change. His actions absolutely do not fit with the picture you paint. Scared? No, sneaky nerves of steel actually, to carry that on for more than a minute. He got what he wanted, which was to buy time and deflect you from going forward. He's banking on you forgiving him because 'he's ill, he can't help it'.

You say you know it's the end. I hope so.

Gemini69 · 14/10/2017 16:04

he does NOT want to buy a house together with you OP.... Flowers

L0quacious · 14/10/2017 16:10

I agree with Elspeth Flashman. He insisted he do it beca7se if he took you up on your offer to handle everything it would actually get done
This must has caused u a massive amount of anxiety. :-/

AhYerWill · 14/10/2017 16:20

Don't tie yourself to a man that will happily fuck you over for his own comfort. So he has anxiety? He could have got treatment, he could have agreed to move to a nicer rented place, he could have fixed up your current place if he really couldn't face moving at all. But no, he'd rather deceive you than compromise in any way.

I couldn't trust a man that did this, and I couldn't have a relationship with someone I didn't trust. He's not even trying to regain your trust is he right now? Just trying to delay and keep things the way he wants them.

Guiltypleasures001 · 14/10/2017 16:24

He didn't show any anxiety whilst making up a whole narrative about something
that didn't exist, in fact it sounds pathological if I'm honest.

It shows a certain amount of calmness and intelligence and cunning to do what he did op,
Please dont try and explain it away with its anxiety, true anxiety would have been letting you deal with
It all. I think he's playing games, and that's very concerning

Hellywelly10 · 14/10/2017 16:30

Snog your bang on there is a difference between anxiety and lying.

Gemini69 · 14/10/2017 16:35

I'm sorry but I have to agree with all the others.... I'm distrusting of his calculating and perfectly timed 'anxiety' issues ... all very conveniently timed Lady Flowers

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 14/10/2017 16:58

I said ok we can rent somewhere nicer than the dump we live in but then he doesn’t want to waste money on renting. He doesn’t want us to tidy up where we live as he wants us to go and no point spending Money on the place only to move.

He won't spend on a higher rent, he won't make where you're living nicer and he won't buy a house either. Tbh he sounds tight, not anxious - his only solution is for you to carry on living in what you describe as a dump.

Is that what you want?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 14/10/2017 16:59

Another one here wondering just how much of this he can really help ... and now you've said his family "coddle him" through his so-called episodes, that he'd lie to gain workmates' pity if you split and that he either won't talk with you or lashes outs spitefully if he's not pandered to Hmm

It's just not stacking up, is it? And even if it did, you'd still be left with a calculating liar whose only real thought is for himself. In all honesty, why would you do this to yourself and your DS?

serialcheat · 14/10/2017 17:29

He runs his business and employs people, it is stressful but successful....... Yet be can't go through with buying a house, and goes to the trouble of going through the motions !?

I think, his ' anxiety ' is not the house, but whether he sees a future with you....

Ask him to leave for a while, not in a nasty way, just to give you both some time and space so you both can recalibrate........

And work out your issues......

HappenedForAReisling · 14/10/2017 17:57

He seems to spend an awful lot of energy on not improving your housing situation. I doubt there is any situation you could propose to him that he won't find an excuse to not to (and if all else fails he'll have another anxiety attack because you'd be "cruel" to argue with that Hmm )

Original poster
Phoebeandme · 14/10/2017 19:19

Thank you all for your responses thus far. I am reading them all over and over and they are helping organise my chaotic head into action.

OP posts:
Original poster
Phoebeandme · 14/10/2017 19:24

Fizzygreenwater - “He got what he wanted, which was to buy time and deflect you from going forward. He's banking on you forgiving him because 'he's ill, he can't help it'.”

Exactly. I’m in a state but I had to laugh at the “he’s ill and can’t help it” I read that in his voice because by Christ have I heard that whine before. 🙄

OP posts:
falange · 14/10/2017 19:31

Remember that book from years ago - He’s just not that into you? This. He’ll continue to lie throughout your relationship. Sorry.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 14/10/2017 19:53

I had to laugh at the “he’s ill and can’t help it” I read that in his voice because by Christ have I heard that whine before

I don't doubt it, Phoebe, but I'm really not convinced that a man who can run a successful business and put so much effort into a vast web of lies is quite as helpless as he'd like you to think; just the memory and recall needed to sustain this argues otherwise to me

Having been there, I also understand what you mean about struggling to make the "final push" to end things - but then, hasn't he already effectively done that for you? You'll feel awful right now because that's the way he's made you feel, but don't both you and your lovely DS deserve more than a future shackled to a manipulative liar with a convenient line in excuses?

paq · 14/10/2017 20:56

Why on earth would you entangle your life and your finances with someone so incapable of basic functioning? And don't wail "but we luuurrrvve each other". What does that even mean?

ThePinkOcelot · 14/10/2017 22:08

Sorry OP, but I think his anxiety is just an excuse he pulls out of the hat when he doesn't want to do something. And before anyone jumps in with how anxiety can be totally debilitating, I know it can, but not in this case! This would be a total deal breaker for me tbh!

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