Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fed up and feel stupid

104 replies

Longdriveahead · 12/10/2017 20:36

Ok, please feel free to tell me I am being daft, I think it's what I need to hear. Been with my partner for a year, he moved in one month ago and we are very happy. He is loving and attentive and does his fair share of chores.
I own my home and after divorcing 8 yrs ago and working very hard whilst bringing up my two kids am now mortgage free. It a 4 bedroom new build and I am very pleased with it as is my boyfriend. We have our own bathrooms and it is very comfortable and I have had the garden landscaped etc. So I consider myself very lucky and see it as my reward for retraining and going without.
I see it as a home for both of us as I love him dearly. He gives me half of the bills which is just over £230 a month. I don't want to charge him more as I have no rent or mortgage and I want to share my good fortune with him. We split most other costs 50/ 50 too mostly from meals out/ drinks to items for house. For example he wanted a new Tv so we split the cost.
Here's the bit I feel uneasy about and I don't know why. He has been going thro a divorce ( they split well before we got together) and gave me the impression he had very little income as self employed. A week after he moved in I asked him if he still payed a percentage of mortgage etc ( his kids are both 18 plus) and he told me he was paying sixteen hundred a month , this covered the mortgage, the bills, food and a car loan. I was staggered. This had been this way for a year. The divorce is 6 weeks away and he is now paying half of this. This information is never offered , I always have to ask. The divorce seems amicable and he is being generous with the settlement. I have no issue with this. His reasoning is he is trying to keep us both happy but I don't feel happy, I feel a bit manipulated. He intends to keep living here with me as he loves it and loves me as I love him, but use his equity payout to purchase a buy to let flat. I guess I am just asking am I being silly in feeling a little odd about the situation.

OP posts:
43percentburnt · 15/10/2017 07:32

60 a week would only be half the food bill.
Unless he only pays for his quarter of the food.

RainyApril · 15/10/2017 07:35

I don't know how it's half the bills but op said it was and I don't think she was lying, she said he paid £240pm for half the bills and they then split everything else 50/50 too.

Why would he pay half mortgage, when there isn't a mortgage?

Presumably she told him what she expected him to contribute before he moved in, so that he could make a decision.

She was happy with the arrangement, didn't feel aggrieved about any aspect of the arrangement, until she found out he was paying maintenance to his ex.

bastardkitty · 15/10/2017 07:36

And he is still being skimpy and nitpicky about money, even in spite of this generous arrangement.

43percentburnt · 15/10/2017 07:40

And he used the words 'money orientated' to close down a discussion about money. If my girlfriend of one year brought up a money discussion when I was living rent/mortgage free due to her generously letting me live with her - the last thing I'd call her was money orientated!

And if I thought she was money orientated and didn't like this I'd move out and pay my own rent or mortgage.

UnicornSparkles1 · 15/10/2017 07:49

I think it shows what a decent guy you have. Many men (and women too) try to destroy their ex during divorce. Here you have a man who is desperately trying to do the right thing by this family.

You were perfectly happy with the arrangement until you found out how much his ex is getting.

bastardkitty · 15/10/2017 07:50

That's a really interesting interpretation of the situation. I hope OP has seen proof of the payments.

RainyApril · 15/10/2017 07:51

Where does op say he is skimpy and nitpicky with money?

She consistently says he pays half, but I haven't seen anything to suggest he does it grudgingly.

I'd close down a financial discussion with op too, if she was using terms like 'supporting you' and 'subsidising you' like she has on here. She isn't supporting or subsidising anyone if they're paying half of everything.

She's moved the goalposts. She told him that he had to pay 50%, he moved in and did so, but now 50% isn't good enough.

If a woman posted to say she'd moved in with her dp and paid half of everything but he now wanted her to pay more than half, or treat him to meals to show gratitude, advice would be that he was mean, to run for the hills, to pay rent in return for a stake in the house.

But I do need to apologise for saying his kids might be in full time education, I see now that they're working and only one lives at home.

Op, you say he will continue paying the mortgage after the divorce is finalised. If it was a long marriage, with a big imbalance in income, this isn't so unusual and you should be proud of him for not being a shit to his ex.

Cambionome · 15/10/2017 08:05

Rainy - the point is that he wouldn't be able to enjoy a good standard of living and pay such a generous amount of money to his ex and support his adult children if he wasn't benefiting from the op's secure financial position.
If it wasn't for her, he wouldn't be able to pay such a large settlement, so yes - she is subsidising him. He is looking like the big, generous man in front of his ex and kids while having a good standard of living because of the op. I think that this is disingenuous of him, at the very least.

iniquity · 15/10/2017 08:09

It is not a clear cut situation op, do you actually like living with him. If you do then you are benefiting from him living with you if not financially

RainyApril · 15/10/2017 08:12

He was paying the same amount to his ex for some time before he even met op, and for the first year of their relationship while they lived apart.

So yes, he could be generous to his ex without op's subsidising, because he was doing just that.

swingofthings · 15/10/2017 08:15

You want your cake and eat it, treat him as a lodger when it suits you (adding some sex, which you seem to consider something you give him, which is quite odd for a couple), but also a committed partner.

The reality is that he's going through a divorce and learned his lesson in terms of looking after yourself. He is clear that you are not intending to share any of your investment in the near future (which is fair enough), so he too wants to make sure that his money goes into investments that will benefit him, and that investment is his old house. The fact that his ex wife is benefiting from it too is irrelevant.

What he is telling you is: let's see how things go between us, you have your investment with your house and I have mine, which he just happens to be sharing. He pays you half of the bills, so owes you nothing else.

I'm confused as to what you expect him to do? Give you more money, ie. you think you should benefit financially from your partner? That certainly puts him back to a position of lodger with benefits, which understandably, not many people would happily go along with.

bastardkitty · 15/10/2017 08:16

Or maybe he could just pay hs way? Hmm

RainyApril · 15/10/2017 08:20

50% of everything is 'paying his way' isn't it?

IsThisTheRealYou · 15/10/2017 08:21

It's his reaction to you asking to talk about my net that would worry me the most.

Onecall · 15/10/2017 08:23

Op says he will pay the mortgage until exw decides to sell. What if she doesn't want to sell at all? What if the house takes years to sell? What if she moves in a new partner? He might have a problem getting his equity.

I can see both sides of pp's arguments but still think a clean break divorce is simpler. Great that he is being generous to the first wife but it could easily get complicated when it doesn't need to be especially as he has adult children who are in employment and can support themselves.

Onecall · 15/10/2017 08:23

Has he had legal advice op?

RainyApril · 15/10/2017 08:27

Not if that conversation used terms like paying your way and subsidising you, suggested he pay for meals out as gratitude, suggested he should pay more than the agreed 50%, listed 'sex' as a benefit alongside Sky television and use of the garage and so on.

No wonder he wants to buy a flat.

RainyApril · 15/10/2017 08:28

My comment was in response to isthistherealyou

RainyApril · 15/10/2017 08:33

Op, I'm not saying you have to accept any of this. If you're not happy then you're not happy, and it's not the relationship for you. Just offering a different perspective, which might be the way he sees things, and of course I am in his ex's position so can see her viewpoint too.

Cambionome · 15/10/2017 08:37

You don't know what his standard of living was before he moved in though, Rainy. Having read the op, it sounds as if he couldn't afford to live as comfortably without the op's support. He is paying £230 a month in order to live in a very nice house, and when he does come into some money he is not going to share any of the proceeds with the op? (Actually, I think it's sensible of him to buy a buy-to-let, but he could put some of the income from that into a joint pot).

It's sounds like what's hers is theirs, but what's his is his alone. Hmm

As for the not being very open with financial information, and asking her to pay half for a tv that he wants... no. Just no. There are too many red flags here for me.

ferriswheel · 15/10/2017 08:58

Sorry, I haven't had time to read the whole thread. I'm really concerned that if for any reason your romance falls foul you make your beautiful home that you've worked so hard for vulnerable.

What if you die? At what point would he be entitled to a share?

I speak as someone who went into a relationship with the golden egg and have a stbx whose working hard to screw me out of all of it.

RainyApril · 15/10/2017 09:27

He wouldn't have an automatic claim against op's property no matter how many years he lived there.

He could attempt a claim if he could prove that he had contributed to the cost of purchase, mortgage repayments or upkeep.

All designed to protect the financially weaker party in the event of a relationship breakdown, after many years, often with children in common so I think it would be vanishingly unlikely in these circumstances.

Cleavergreene · 15/10/2017 09:43

So, here goes a guys pov. I can see both arguments / grievances clearly. I don't have a problem him paying the mortgage and bills ATM. They are married and have joint liability.

I also don't have a problem with the op's arrangement with said man.

I dint have a problem with the distribution of the divorce - 65/35. I don't understand his need to support his ex wife at the point the divorce goes through. From that point, she's on her own. She has a generous settlement. I guess she won't be able to pay the mortgage unless he provides support. My answer to that is, best get on your bike and sell the house then.

As to him supporting his children. I'm ambivalent to that. That's entirely up to him.

I do feel that if he continues to support his ex wife while obtaining a tidy income from his proposed investment property, the op IS being taken advantage of. But only at that point.

Joysmum · 15/10/2017 09:43

I agree with you both Rainy and Swing.

The goalposts have moved for her dp without him even knowing about it.

It's really important for them both that she works out what she believes to be a fair arrangement and presents it to him to either be accepted or rejected.

He's supporting his family, not squirrelling money away for his own benefit or in an attempt to disadvantage to OP. He's doing no more for them now than he was before he moved in. On the other hand, she's changed her mind on what she thinks is fair to her but still can't work out in her own mind what is fair to even tell him!

RainyApril · 15/10/2017 10:03

I disagree that financially benefitting from his investment property is taking advantage of op, since I doubt she intends to give him a cut of her own property should she decide to sell it.

I can't commit to whether his ex is taking advantage for asking for spousal maintenance after the divorce finalises without knowing the circumstances.

If he earns six figures while she earns minimum wage, if it's been a marriage of 20yrs+, if she was a sahm to support his high flying career, if she couldn't achieve a mortgage on her own due to age/income, if the settlement doesn't give her enough to house herself, then maintenance is appropriate imo.

Swipe left for the next trending thread