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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fed up and feel stupid

104 replies

Longdriveahead · 12/10/2017 20:36

Ok, please feel free to tell me I am being daft, I think it's what I need to hear. Been with my partner for a year, he moved in one month ago and we are very happy. He is loving and attentive and does his fair share of chores.
I own my home and after divorcing 8 yrs ago and working very hard whilst bringing up my two kids am now mortgage free. It a 4 bedroom new build and I am very pleased with it as is my boyfriend. We have our own bathrooms and it is very comfortable and I have had the garden landscaped etc. So I consider myself very lucky and see it as my reward for retraining and going without.
I see it as a home for both of us as I love him dearly. He gives me half of the bills which is just over £230 a month. I don't want to charge him more as I have no rent or mortgage and I want to share my good fortune with him. We split most other costs 50/ 50 too mostly from meals out/ drinks to items for house. For example he wanted a new Tv so we split the cost.
Here's the bit I feel uneasy about and I don't know why. He has been going thro a divorce ( they split well before we got together) and gave me the impression he had very little income as self employed. A week after he moved in I asked him if he still payed a percentage of mortgage etc ( his kids are both 18 plus) and he told me he was paying sixteen hundred a month , this covered the mortgage, the bills, food and a car loan. I was staggered. This had been this way for a year. The divorce is 6 weeks away and he is now paying half of this. This information is never offered , I always have to ask. The divorce seems amicable and he is being generous with the settlement. I have no issue with this. His reasoning is he is trying to keep us both happy but I don't feel happy, I feel a bit manipulated. He intends to keep living here with me as he loves it and loves me as I love him, but use his equity payout to purchase a buy to let flat. I guess I am just asking am I being silly in feeling a little odd about the situation.

OP posts:
IrritatedUser1960 · 14/10/2017 21:28

I would not allow another man to move into my house personally. I've done it twice before and after a while they take full advantage of the situation and get more and more greedy and non contributing.
I'd make him move out into his own place and take it a lot more slowly. This is your special home that you have worked hard for not a doss house for cocklodgers
If he wants you that badly let him do some chasing.

TheVeryHungryDieter · 14/10/2017 21:35

I agree OP, tell him that you're glad he'll have more coming in after the divorce and since you feel you rushed into living together he should buy himself somewhere he'd like to live, and you can continue to date once he's moved out... could you say it's all moving too fast for you and you'd like to take things slowly and see where it goes?

Because honestly it is moving very fast and it's not moving in a direction you'd like but the momentum is building up, so unless you take some breathing space to redraw your boundaries, it will be hard to stop the pattern of being taken for granted.

CanalTrip · 14/10/2017 21:51

It's not so much his plan, which sounds sensible; it's his lack of transparency with you prior to moving in, his decision to pay strictly only half of meals out etc despite being heavily subsidised in your home, the fact that you have only known him for a year (and so don't know him) and your comment about him becoming offended when you talk about money. These are all amber, even reddish flags.

LuckLuckLUCK · 14/10/2017 21:54

Seems odd that he is so skrimpy with you re 50/50 on everything, and then sooooo very generous with his ex.

CanalTrip · 14/10/2017 22:00

Yes it does LuckLuckLUCK. Maybe he is stitching her up as well.

Gemini69 · 14/10/2017 22:19

I'd check online with the Law Society.. 'I believe' please check.. Hmm that after living together for 2 years.. he will be entitled to half of your Home OP... please please get legal advice... Flowers

scottishdiem · 14/10/2017 22:29

"But not at my expense"

Mmmmm. I wonder how many women post here about moving in with a new man sometime after splitting with an ex and complain that the "family unit" isnt being supported by the man enough. e.g. He accepted the new kids into his home, he should be supporting them.

I think phrasing it like "my expense" is all wrong to be honest. I do think you need to have a conversation about shared finances and shared expectations and a shared future which means shared money and share financial objectives (savings, clarity on house costs etc.). Phrase it as part of future planning. If he objects then you know he isnt planning for a joint future and ask him to leave. The longer he is in your home the more claim he will have on it. As many men have found in similar circumstances.

LuckLuckLUCK · 14/10/2017 22:48

'I believe' please check.. hmm that after living together for 2 years.. he will be entitled to half of your Home

Absolutely not. Not unless they're married.

Onecall · 14/10/2017 22:57

Is he quite happy with the financial arrangement with his ex? A clean break is generally preferred on divorce these days.

IamImportantToo · 14/10/2017 23:03

Fuck me. She got a good deal. I’ve got two young kids, one disabled. Have been a sahm parent on request of stbxh, (stupid me, I know) so no career to fall back on, brought 20x the money to the marriage than he did... and have been told I can expect 60-40 split. With none of the other stuff on top.

IamImportantToo · 14/10/2017 23:04

Forgot to answer post. I can see why you are uneasy but also why he is using his money to buy the flat. Could you pay half and own half?

Chestervase1 · 14/10/2017 23:06

I totally get your concerns and I would be very wary of being told I was money mad when the ex sounds so grabby. I bet you are a very generous person who now feels that he has taken advantage of you. It never ceases to amaze me how people can take and then you find out they were quite comfortably off all along. What I don’t get is his insistence on you paying half of everything but his ex-wife and adult children get a far easier ride. He seems intent on them getting a very good deal going into the future I would ask why. I would doubt his commitment to your relationship.

IamImportantToo · 14/10/2017 23:10

Also, in dim and distant past I had a bf who lived with me rent free. It was a bad idea. He took me for granted and took the piss. He said he would buy stuff for my flat instead of paying rent - furniture etc. When I eventually managed to get him out, he took all the stuff with him.

He even said he would miss the flat. In an argument about him taking the furniture, I said in that case he owed me theee years back rent. He very bluntly said he wouldn’t have paid to live together.

ChinkChink · 14/10/2017 23:11

Suppose for a moment there was no former family to be dealt with. How would your finances work then? Or rather, how would you wish that to work?

FFS don't marry him until you have everything legally tied up.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 14/10/2017 23:19

Why the fuck are you cooking his dinners and washing his pants?!

If someone offered me the chance to live in a nice four bed house, with sky TV and incl all my bills AND have my dinners cooked for me and my laundry done for the princely sum of £60 a week I'd flipping love them as well!

Remember words are cheap. I'd test his reaction by saying you're having second thoughts about him living with you - if he starts sweating and gets angry/nasty with you then you got your answer. Sorry Thanks

Gemini69 · 15/10/2017 00:04

he's laughing all the way to the sofa OP x

RainyApril · 15/10/2017 00:23

I don't see what he's done wrong really.

He pays 50% of everything, so hardly sponging off anyone.

He's a partner not a lodger, and you're mortgage free, so surely you wouldn't expect him to pay rent.

He's paying a monthly sum to his ex that was agreed before he met you, and he's maintained that. He has left himself short of cash but he hasn't asked you to subsidise him, you said he pays 50%.

My ex pays me a similar amount. It wasn't court ordered, but it was a sum calculated by my solicitor and agreed by him. At some point it will be formalised legally.

He hasn't hidden his finances - when you asked, he told you.

When he receives his settlement he intends to invest in a buy to let flat. If you want a claim against his property, he should have a claim against yours. Since he doesn't actually have any legal claim against your property it seems very sensible for him to invest in a property, as a pension, or incase your relationship doesn't work out.

I'm not sure what you want from him tbh, are you sure you're not just jealous that his ex is getting so much free money?

userxx · 15/10/2017 00:47

Rainyapril - the ex is only getting such a heathy settlement as he's being subsidised by the op. She's already stated that if he was paying the going rate for rent and bills he wouldn't be able to afford to pay his ex so much.

I don't think it's s case of jealousy, she has no reason to be, it appears she's mortgage free all through her own hard work, it's more a case is he taking the piss. I can see where she's coming from.

RainyApril · 15/10/2017 01:08

The ex was getting the same healthy settlement before he met op, so it is nothing to do with her subsidy.

Furthermore, op states that he pays 50% of the bills and expenses so how is that even a subsidy?

She is mortgage free so it would be bloody weird to charge him rent imo.

ferriswheel · 15/10/2017 01:15

You will regret this.

If it walks like a duck

You already know that. Sorry.

bastardkitty · 15/10/2017 06:14

Have you seen evidence of these payments to his ex?

43percentburnt · 15/10/2017 06:55

He told you that 'you are money orientated' because you wanted to discuss finances.

Listen he is telling you exactly who he is. That's why your alarm bells are jangling!

Ask him to move into his flat.

RainyApril · 15/10/2017 07:02

Or he said she was money oriented because she was money oriented, complaining despite the fact he pays 50% of all household expenses.

RainyApril · 15/10/2017 07:21

Why should he pay more than 50% of the household expenses?

It sounds like he has agreed a maintenance payment with his ex that allowed her to maintain the family home while the divorce was going through.

His dc may be over 18 but are presumably still in full time education or still living with their mother.

I work full time but would be financially crippled if my ex stopped or reduced maintenance payments, as many women would be.

If someone posted on here that their xh's new partner had insisted he was paying too much maintenance, people would be asking what it had to do with her.

I don't understand why op wants to potentially cause financial hardship to another woman when she is happy and in love, and with someone who is giving her 50% of her outgoings (I'd feel differently if he was freeloading).

bastardkitty · 15/10/2017 07:26

Why should he live there for free? Also how is 60 quid a week half of bills? Plus he is stingy about this and wants to split 50/50 for meals and activities. If I was living rent-free I would consider I was being subbed at least 500 quid a month. I wouldn't be quibbling about paying half for meals out, that's for sure.

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