Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Fed up and feel stupid

104 replies

Longdriveahead · 12/10/2017 20:36

Ok, please feel free to tell me I am being daft, I think it's what I need to hear. Been with my partner for a year, he moved in one month ago and we are very happy. He is loving and attentive and does his fair share of chores.
I own my home and after divorcing 8 yrs ago and working very hard whilst bringing up my two kids am now mortgage free. It a 4 bedroom new build and I am very pleased with it as is my boyfriend. We have our own bathrooms and it is very comfortable and I have had the garden landscaped etc. So I consider myself very lucky and see it as my reward for retraining and going without.
I see it as a home for both of us as I love him dearly. He gives me half of the bills which is just over £230 a month. I don't want to charge him more as I have no rent or mortgage and I want to share my good fortune with him. We split most other costs 50/ 50 too mostly from meals out/ drinks to items for house. For example he wanted a new Tv so we split the cost.
Here's the bit I feel uneasy about and I don't know why. He has been going thro a divorce ( they split well before we got together) and gave me the impression he had very little income as self employed. A week after he moved in I asked him if he still payed a percentage of mortgage etc ( his kids are both 18 plus) and he told me he was paying sixteen hundred a month , this covered the mortgage, the bills, food and a car loan. I was staggered. This had been this way for a year. The divorce is 6 weeks away and he is now paying half of this. This information is never offered , I always have to ask. The divorce seems amicable and he is being generous with the settlement. I have no issue with this. His reasoning is he is trying to keep us both happy but I don't feel happy, I feel a bit manipulated. He intends to keep living here with me as he loves it and loves me as I love him, but use his equity payout to purchase a buy to let flat. I guess I am just asking am I being silly in feeling a little odd about the situation.

OP posts:

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 13/10/2017 16:52

Hmm, call me pessimistic but as much as he says he loves you do you think that is helped by you being his meal ticket?

If he loves you that much he can do that whilst living in his own flat and supporting himself.

Don't let him take for a mug, op x

MistressDeeCee · 13/10/2017 16:54

What luckluckluck said.

Emilybrontescorsett · 13/10/2017 17:03

I think his ex seems to be doing very nicely from all this.
How on earth has she managed to get her new house fees paid from the joint sale of the house?
His kids are adults so I appreciate what you are saying.
The fact is he will not benefit from your house should anything happen to you.
Likewise his children will be the beneficiaries if anything happens to him.
I'm a bit on the fence as to whether he should pay more towards the luxuries.
Surely when his old house is sold be won't be paying towards anything so will be well off, so yes I now think he should treat you more.

MistressDeeCee · 13/10/2017 17:05

OP - if you don't want a man you've known for a year living in your home, heavily subsidised, whilst you also pay half on everything then that is your right. But you're the one who needs to do something about it. It sounds as if he was evasive about his income initially. & now you've asked him, he says you are 'money orientated'. That's signalling warning bells for me. Where was he living when you met him? Was he planning to buy/saving towards a property whilst he was out there? Or has this all been mentioned (but only if/when you ask) now that you're on the scene charging him a nominal amount? What did he pay in his previous place?

But whatever the case I think you're facilitating his family life (which you should have found out about beforehand), and property ownership plans, and somewhere along the line you've got short end of the stick. Why do you have to pay half of everything? His contribution to the home is meagre. Then again, you set the contribution. I'd not want this. & think you moved him in too soon. Money issues like this push couples apart due to resentment. You need to talk it out. If that can't or doesn't happen then your relationship is going nowhere

QuiteLikely5 · 13/10/2017 17:19

You clearly resent his financial arrangement with his wife.

He has agreed to this which is why there is no court order - perhaps a solicitor has advised him this is best?

Although I can't understand why he pays for her mortgage?

I would not care if he said I was financially orientated tbh

He likes you to pay half for meals etc - yeh because he's just been screwed over by one woman so he ain't gonna be too keen on giving his money to another!!!!

userxx · 13/10/2017 19:08

I think you need to address this sooner rather than later. There is not a chance I would happily accept £60 a week whilst he's paying his ex wife's £x amount - let him move back in with his mate and sleep in the spare room. The fact he wants you to pay half for meals out when you are subsidising him is a complete piss take.

Creampastry · 14/10/2017 07:44

You need to also protect your home do he can claim it st all. Deed of trust is needed. He sounds like he has an easy ride with you

bastardkitty · 14/10/2017 07:47

He's absolutely a cocklodger.

paq · 14/10/2017 07:53

Agree it's off. But it is his choice and if you don't like it you can tell him what to do.

But in your circumstances it's always going to be tricky to combine finances with someone, no matter what their circumstances.

HipsterAssassin · 14/10/2017 08:02

I do not get why you moved him in so soon without knowing the full situation and agreed on what basis given a divorce was in progress. I also don't understand why a woman with adult children is having her mortgage paid by him. The problem isn't the situation per de but the fact that you've sleepwalked into it and don't seem to know him well enough to thrash it out. Red flags. Total re-think needed on all fronts.

Ilovetolurk · 14/10/2017 08:33

Of course he needs to buy a property for if/when it goes tits up with you. We would be advising a woman in that position to do the same

It would be nice if he contributed more to things with you but if he is paying £1600 out that may not leave much over

Is it that you feel a little taken advantage of (in which case you could have a chat about how the 50:50 Is grating)

Or if you have bigger issues with his contribution (sounds like it from your posts) that is more difficult to solve

Joysmum · 14/10/2017 09:11

If I split with my dh and my dd were staying in my family home and my dh needed me to keep paying what I always had to keep her there then I'd keep paying. Being a parent is so much more than the minimum dictated by law.

Original poster

Longdriveahead · 14/10/2017 13:07

Thanks guys for replies . I think my issue is he doesn't have to pay anything, both children are adults and working as is his ex. Only one child lives at home. He chooses to continue paying the mortgage, all utility bills, council tax, a car loan for his wife and one for his daughter by choice. He is very generous. And that is a lovely thing to be. But not at my expense. He couldn't afford to be if he had his own rent and bills to pay. This is the problem . He is lovely to me and tells me he loves me all the time and I love him. But I find it really difficult to bring this up with him without me sounding mean and him taking offence.
I just don't think he ' gets' where I am coming from when I say I want him to put me on parr with his wife ( not his children, they always come first) . It's so difficult.

OP posts:

ijustwannadance · 14/10/2017 13:20

£60 a week to live in a lovely 4 bed house. You make his food and do his washing. He really has got it made. Why can't he cook and clean his own stuff?

I think you are a bit of a mug tbh. If he had to pay rent/bills/food etc on his own place it would cost £££. He fell on his feet meeting you.

Whatever you do, don't ever marry again without protecting your assets or your own children may lose everything.

Cambionome · 14/10/2017 14:18

I think your last post has made everything clearer, op.

As you quite rightly say, it's lovely that he is very generous to his ex and grown up children, but he can only be like this because his living expenses are being heavily subsidised by you!

This isn't sitting easily with you (and I don't blame you) so you need to sit down and have a serious, in-depth chat with him about it. If he repeats that you are "too money-oriented" then I would be asking him to move out, while you both think things through. This is not really working for you and you are completely within your rights to say so. You are effectively subsidising his large payments to an ex (with a job) and grown up children. At the very least he should have made all that totally clear to you right from the start.

Frith1975 · 14/10/2017 14:31

My ex boyfriend was left with 4 young children. His wife walked out and had been gone for 2 years when we got together. (She lived 300 miles away, never saw her children, paid nothing towards them etc).

After several months, I discovered my then boyfriend paid her rent, her car loan, they had a joint account.

After a year, I popped round to see him and she had moved back in.

So I’m totally suspicious of men paying out massive sums of money to “keep their ex wives happy”.

ferrier · 14/10/2017 14:42

OK. I agree with you now to a greater extent op.
However, the divorce is due to come through in a month or two and then the house gets sold.
I suppose the sticking points are

at which point does he lose the car loans and cc and mortgage. Does he continue paying them after the divorce because she can't afford to? How long does she get to sell the house and for what price in order to get it sold?
when he eventually gets the btl flat, what kind of redistribution will there be to recognise that would be subsidising him?

You need a long conversation with him about these issues and maybe some independent advice as to what would be reasonable.

Wherearemymarbles · 14/10/2017 17:41

Sounds like his ex is getting a very good deal but that is his choice. But the reduced disposable income does affect you.

However if his reaction when questioned is to shut you down then thats not good.

QuiteLikely5 · 14/10/2017 17:58

But he won't be able to walk away Scott free - marriage after all this time will mean she's entitled to something substantial.

I would not allow this to continue but I would be truthful.

Tell him you aren't willing to prop him up whilst he subsidises his ex wife.

Tell him money is more important to you than you had realised. And you want a man who is financially independent of his wife.

Wherearemymarbles · 14/10/2017 18:04

And whats the betting he is the type that if his ex says i need 2k for a new boiler he'll pay for it.

He may feel guilty hence payments but you MUST be able to have an adult conversation about it. And yes, if he had more money he would be able to pay for fab holidays in lieu of rent etc.

Joysmum · 14/10/2017 18:59

I really feel for you Longdriveahead but I'm afraid that if you want to be with him you'll need to have that conversation, no matter how uncomfortable that will be for you both. Before you have that conversation you'll need to have worked out your own thoughts, feelings and boundaries to make that conversation go easier. It will not only offer something concrete so that he can see what you believe to be fair, but also if you've carefully thought this through for yourself you have more confidence in your own feelings as you'll know you're being fair and won't feel mean. Presenting your proposal as fair and not mean will also allow you to gauge his reaction and see whether your relationship has legs longer term.

I guess the crux is what his attitude will be to your proposal post divorce settlement.

I hope you can come up with a proposal as to what you think is acceptable and fair to you both because you'll be better off bringing this to a head sooner rather than later. Good luck 🍀

HipsterAssassin · 14/10/2017 19:56

I think him having the BTL flat is absolutely reasonable. But the financial commitment to the ex wife would feel to me like he is never in a financial position to be 'all in' with you. Good luck with the conversation OP.

Cambionome · 14/10/2017 21:12

A previous poster has said that his ex wife will be entitled to something substantial after a long marriage. This is true, of course, and quite fair and reasonable. She will be entitled to (at least) 50% of the proceeds of the house sale and of any savings etc. If, after all that is sorted, your dp continues to subsidise her lifestyle then that is also fine, so long as it doesn't impact on you, your finances and your lifestyle. Make that absolutely clear to him.

RandomMess · 14/10/2017 21:18

I wouldn't be happy either, he ought to be paying you a nominal rent! He isn't generous with you - everything split in half yet can afford an investment property...

Gemini69 · 14/10/2017 21:23

If you and He split... would he be entitled to half of your House OP ...

Flip

1 2 3 4 5