Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Brother cheated on his doting girlfriend - torn

95 replies

PhelanGood · 12/10/2017 10:50

My brother's lady is an absolute sweetheart. They've been together about a year. She is stunningly beautiful, kind, caring, cooks for him all the time and has taken on his son as her own - but she does have issues with low self esteem.
As for my brother, he is a good guy deep down, intelligent and creative, girls go crazy for him but he has always been a bit of a player. He acts quite emotionally abusive towards her (and all women) and I have told her before not to put up with this but she is so understanding she believes it's his issues causing it, so is forgiving. However I don't see her super often as I don't see him much.

Last time I saw him he was ranting about how he has dated better looking girls than her (she is early thirties, naturally pretty, he usually dates younger girls who are fake tanned/caked in make up) and he seemed really concerned that his friends weren't so impressed with her as they were with his exes. I told him where to get off with that attitude and said he should be grateful, she is the best woman any man could wish for. Inside and out.

However have just found out that not only has he been dating around behind her back, but also he has now cheated on her. She is serious about him and goes out of her way to please him - plus she is at an age where she is thinking about having kids.

I am completely torn, on one hand it isn't my place to tell her, I only see them about once a month and she would likely just stay with him regardless and talk it through as she adores him. But as a fellow woman I feel she has a right to know he has not been loyal to her, and possibly is even putting her health at risk.

What the hell do I do? Speak to my brother and tell him if he doesn't come clean or seriously change his behaviour, I will alert her? Or just stay out of the whole thing? Never been in this position and I feel sick.

OP posts:
colouringinagain · 12/10/2017 14:36

Given everything you've said about your brother, I would tell her clearly and kindly that your brother is being unfaithful. Offer your support if you feel able to.

Obviously what she does after that is an unknown.

fredericapotterslawyer · 12/10/2017 14:39

I would second PPs saying tell her directly. Hints are too easy to miss, or dismiss, especially for a woman in an abusive relationship, whose mind is going to be performing frantic, scuttling manoeuvres trying to justify her boyfriend's behaviour. What she does with that information is up to her obviously. But you will know that you've done what you can.

OP, you sound like a kind person who cares about doing the right thing, which is impressive, considering your clusterfuck of a family. Tune into the instincts that brought you here, and asked for the help of strangers. They're not wrong. And try not worry about what your family think. It's more important to be able to look yourself in the eye.

troodiedoo · 12/10/2017 14:44

Tell her she can do better. She probably already knows this. But if she is receptive you can go into details.

The only loyalty you should have is to yourself to be a decent person, and that should mean warning another decent person they are involved with a scumbag.

imtherealbummymummyotherisfake · 12/10/2017 14:49

Similar happened to me. Can't say too much as it's very outing but my brother was sleeping around and his lovely long term girlfriend who was trying to get pregnant didn't know. My Mum was vicious with me about how I should stand by him and it was probably her fault somehow (easy to see why my brother is such a twat towards women Hmm) and I went along with it for a couple of months. I'd made up my mind to tell her and was going to see her in person when something horrendous happened and she found out that way.

I will NEVER forgive myself for not speaking up sooner.

IrianOfW · 12/10/2017 15:33

I sympathise with you for having a fuckwit as a brother. Dump him and keep the nice gf as a friend?

bastardkitty · 12/10/2017 15:37

I would tell her. Do you have any proof to show her?

Opheliasgoldenwine · 12/10/2017 15:58

I haven’t read the comments but I’d 1000% tell her OP, she deserves to know.

Aridane · 12/10/2017 15:59

Sorry, OP - but that has to be the biggest dripfeed ever.

A difficult one though

OnlyParentsAreReal · 12/10/2017 16:02

If it was my brother I would give him a telling to and be up front with the girl. She will probably leave him and hopefully the brother would learn his lesson and start respecting women

Opheliasgoldenwine · 12/10/2017 16:08

THAT DRIP FEEDBShockShock

strongasmeringue · 12/10/2017 16:10

"Bless his soul"? Because he thinks cheating is alright unless you're married? Blinking heck. All kinds if fucked up.

Tell this woman she is being cheated on. Accept she may tell your brother you told her and he'll try and bully and control you. Him being out of your life is no Loss.

StormTreader · 12/10/2017 16:20

So hes a funny, charismatic, absolute arsehole. That doesnt surprise me, its the charismatic/attractive ones who get let off for their appalling behaviour so many times that they think its ok.

Its like they say about cats, we let them off because of their soft fur and pretty purr. “If cats looked like frogs we'd realise what nasty, cruel little bastards they are. Style. That's what people remember.” (disclaimer: I love cats).

MoosicalDaisy · 12/10/2017 17:04

If I was drinking coffee whilst reading your last response, I would have choked on it.

Don't be cowardly and tell her directly.

StealthNinjaMum · 12/10/2017 19:10

I'm sorry but I don't think that someone who helps their mum kidnap a child deserves to be forgiven or is capable of being reformed (and I am normally a wooly liberal). I cannot understand why you can defend him in any way or would have any reservations in telling the girlfriend. If I were you my loyalty would be to the innocent, lovely girlfriend not the misogynistic prick of a brother.

If I were that girlfriend I would want to know what sort of man he is so I could make up my own mind about whether to stay or go.

DeleteOrDecay · 12/10/2017 19:15

Your brother is not a good guy he is an utter cunt.

PoorYorick · 12/10/2017 20:09

He's funny and can light up a room

By leaving it?

PhelanGood · 13/10/2017 17:06

Haha the last response 😂 Sorry I disappeared last night, it was one hell of a busy evening! Thanks for the replies, experiences and thoughts - I have read everything through, and know what I need to do. Treat her the way I would want to be treated.

Now going to gather some proof and make sure she knows what she is dealing with in him. I can do it in a kind way and as people have said I don't have anything to lose here except I definitely don't want to hurt her unnecessarily.

First thing I will do it bring it up with my brother over txt, as he hasn't directly told me yet, and will see what he responds - that might be proof enough if he boasts of his conquests as I predicted. He may just ignore or deny it though in which case I don't know what I can really do. I don't want to drop my sister in it by showing the girl her texts confirming it.

OP posts:
PhelanGood · 13/10/2017 17:10

Or would that be entrapment, on second thoughts?!

OP posts:
Lweji · 13/10/2017 17:23

Entrapment would be if you got a woman you know to get him to cheat with her.

annielouise · 13/10/2017 18:08

Tell her. She deserves better than to be tied to him if she has a child. Also, if she has a child and they split up as he's being unfaithful and she finds out you knew she might not let you into your niece or nephew's life. You hold it in your hands to mess her life up if she doesn't know. She'll either end up a single mother with him or waste time with him and she's in her 30s already. I'd be so annoyed at that.

Your brother is scum.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page