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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Brother cheated on his doting girlfriend - torn

95 replies

PhelanGood · 12/10/2017 10:50

My brother's lady is an absolute sweetheart. They've been together about a year. She is stunningly beautiful, kind, caring, cooks for him all the time and has taken on his son as her own - but she does have issues with low self esteem.
As for my brother, he is a good guy deep down, intelligent and creative, girls go crazy for him but he has always been a bit of a player. He acts quite emotionally abusive towards her (and all women) and I have told her before not to put up with this but she is so understanding she believes it's his issues causing it, so is forgiving. However I don't see her super often as I don't see him much.

Last time I saw him he was ranting about how he has dated better looking girls than her (she is early thirties, naturally pretty, he usually dates younger girls who are fake tanned/caked in make up) and he seemed really concerned that his friends weren't so impressed with her as they were with his exes. I told him where to get off with that attitude and said he should be grateful, she is the best woman any man could wish for. Inside and out.

However have just found out that not only has he been dating around behind her back, but also he has now cheated on her. She is serious about him and goes out of her way to please him - plus she is at an age where she is thinking about having kids.

I am completely torn, on one hand it isn't my place to tell her, I only see them about once a month and she would likely just stay with him regardless and talk it through as she adores him. But as a fellow woman I feel she has a right to know he has not been loyal to her, and possibly is even putting her health at risk.

What the hell do I do? Speak to my brother and tell him if he doesn't come clean or seriously change his behaviour, I will alert her? Or just stay out of the whole thing? Never been in this position and I feel sick.

OP posts:
Nancy91 · 12/10/2017 11:34

Karalime, it does mean what I think it means, google it...

OP after your post about kidnap etc he sounds horrible and I think you should stay away from him and not get involved!

Mamabear4180 · 12/10/2017 11:40

Your brother is a total arsehole with no regard to women's feelings, not even yours. I wouldn't have anything to do with him after standing against you in court and taken part in the kidnap of your child. It's because nobody stands up to him that he thinks he can behave however he likes. He's toxic and you should cut ties. By all means tell his GF but don't expect her to leave. Her eyes are as closed as yours.

Original poster
PhelanGood · 12/10/2017 11:42

@fattychan this is my huge worry, I've been there myself too many times. Both times people could have warned me of these men's record of domestic violence/ cheating before it was too late, but chose not to. When I called my sister to say my boyfriend had been hitting me she said 'I didnt want to say but he actually hit his ex too on occasions' - wish she had said earlier as I'd thought it was just my fault. I would never have got involved. She is on the pill as far as I know, though

I love hearing about etymology of phrases! Whatever it means, you do break your bond with someone and their trust in you when you fuck them over by sharing their secrets. Family or not. The question is do I care?

It's harder as she is an exceptionally lovely person.

OP posts:
Original poster
PhelanGood · 12/10/2017 11:48

@mamabear that is heartening thanks - he hurt me so deeply it is cathartic to hear others would cut someone out after what they did. Half wish I had so I didn't have to be witness to this sorry mess, my family's so fucked up. I'll never trust him again or leave him alone with the kids.

He's extremely funny and charismatic,plus dark and kind of troubled - he gets away with a lot where women are concerned n tbh I hope she leaves him as she is the best girlfriend ever and it'd be a wake up call to lose her.

OP posts:
RaquelWelch · 12/10/2017 11:50

I know a guy who cheated on his lovely, doting girlfriend with an apparent one night stand. One night stand got pregnant and guy admitted all due to pressure from other family members. Girlfriend stood by him. A year or so later the one night stand was pregnant again (she already had a child, plus the one with guy I know). Everyone was shocked that she was having a third child with no father around and then guess what?? Yep, it came out that guy I know had got her pregnant for a second time!! Girlfriend stood by him again, and they are still together a few years down the line!!

MoosicalDaisy · 12/10/2017 11:50

If she is an exceptionally lovely person, and your brother is how you say he is. You owe it to her, to let her know. If she's thinking about having children, and they had a child, imagine what your brother would say and do if they were then to split up because she found out?

Tell her and go NC with your brother, it' up to her what she does with the information, a death in the family no matter how sad does not right the wrongs of what your brother has done. Do you have no morals?

Fattychan123 · 12/10/2017 11:51

The phrases mean nothing !

Imagine how sick your going to feel knowing if she gets pregnant knowing his been dicking somebody else.

She might even know/suspect and as someone said might not leave him. At least she knows. Hopefully she will see you have her best interest at heart and can confide in you in future if needed.

If you do tell her please remind her its not due to her actions/personality or faults it because of him!

I would feel so embarrassed if I found out years later knowing his family knew. Like they were laughing at me behind my back.

Good luck, please let us know how it goes or what you decide.

diddl · 12/10/2017 11:52

I'd be tempted to tell her.

What have you got to lose?

Hopefully she'll listen, but if not, you tried.

What is it about guys like your brother that attract well, any girls at all?

So sad.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 12/10/2017 11:57

Jesus wept, your entire family is worrying. You sound like the only sane one.

His girlfriend needs to be told. She could be catching anything from your brother and she needs to know & especially before she gets pregnant. She's too nice for him.

I don't suppose you have any friends in common?

StaplesCorner · 12/10/2017 11:58

but she does have issues with low self esteem - that's why he chose her. And how in the name of fuck do you get to say *he is a good guy deep down" - he keeps that hidden well then doesn't he ... Hmm

AnnieAnoniMouse · 12/10/2017 12:01

Re going NC with your brother, I'd have been tempted to go 'hitman'. NC would have been the very least. If he was old enough to go to court as a witness, he was old enough not to do your mother's bidding. It was his choice to try to keep your DS from you. There's no fucking way he'd be in my life. Not way. It's not to late to go NC now.

Nor with your sister, she let you get together with a guy she knew hit his partner, that's fucked up.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 12/10/2017 12:02

he is a good guy deep down

Yeah, about 6'

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 12/10/2017 12:04

Oh you know what, if this woman is so lovely, why in the name of fuck would you want her to be dragged down by your brother, who sounds like a complete dick?

PLease tell her. She can then make her mind up whether or not to forgive him again, or do the sane thing and leave him to himself.

Bollocks to all the "Faaaammly" shit - he obviously didn't care one iota about that in regards to the situation with your child, did he, so that's out the window.

Tell her. She might not thank you for it - but at least she'll have the information.

Pannnn · 12/10/2017 12:09

There is no question.

She has a right to know and you are with holding information she can use to work out what's best for her life.
It's flabbergasting to read people stay out of it. Yet would want to know if it was happening to them.

You have no choice and live with yourself. Tell her.

fredericapotterslawyer · 12/10/2017 12:09

I'd be inclined to tell her. One of the reasons partner abuse thrives is because family members tend to close ranks around the abuser and say things like: 'blood is thicker than water'.

If people close to the abuser stood up to them, and let them know their behaviour was not ok, emotional abuse would become socially unacceptable, the way wife beating, casual racism, drink driving and other relics from the 70s have become socially unacceptable.

Also, your brother sounds really horrible, and you sound nice. I wouldn't feel you have to keep in touch with him, just because you're related. He's done more than enough to justify cutting him off.

ptumbi · 12/10/2017 12:10

Wow OP, You think she has low self esteem? Why the hell are you still in contact yourself with such a low-life? An abusive, selfish, cheating arsehole who is 'charismatic and charming', 'intelligent, creative' :- Bollox.

Go NC. Tell her.She is alovely person and doesn't deserve to be shat on by him. He doesn't deserve her - and she deserves someone who will love her, no just for how she looks to his mates.

Stay friends with her, lose the disgusting brother.

Lweji · 12/10/2017 12:12

I think I'd tell her. You're only enabling your brother and yet another woman making excuses for him.

Read back your posts. He's a cheater and abusive. I wouldn't want to have anything to do with him.

PoorYorick · 12/10/2017 12:14

Your brother is a pig and a perjurer and you owe him slightly less than fuck all. If you have to lose one of them, I'd lose him and make a friend of the girlfriend. She sounds like she could use someone who actually gives a shit about her.

I knew he was an arsehole when you said he was nice 'deep down' or whatever that means. Tell her, support her and ditch the nasty fucker. He lied in court against you and tried to have your child kidnapped, for fuck's sake. Who cares that you've got some similar DNA?

Blood may be thicker than water but nobody wants to be that thick.

glitterlips1 · 12/10/2017 12:14

I would keep out of it. I wouldn't make his problems mine. He sounds like he has given you enough grief over the years. However, if it came up during a family occasion (you mention he likes to boast about his conquests) then I would let him know my feelings on the matter.

PoorYorick · 12/10/2017 12:17

he is a good guy deep down

Yeah, about 6'

Classic. Weigh the coffin down just to be sure, though.

MissMoneyPlant · 12/10/2017 12:21

I don't want to betray him the way he did me.

Why, were you planning to kidnap his child?

Kidnapping a child and standing as a witness in court against someone who has done nothing wrong, is very different to warning an innocent person about someone who has done something very, very wrong.

Whatever it means, you do break your bond with someone and their trust in you when you fuck them over by sharing their secrets.

It's not just randomly sharing secrets though, is it? Your brother is a cheating abuser, and you want to warn the person he's doing it to!
Please don't stand by and wait for there to be a baby and a dead body in the mix. He sounds horrific.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 12/10/2017 12:25

He sounds like a piece of shit. I have no such relationship with my own brother, but I wouldn't hesitate to tell him he was being a shit and that if he didn't tell his girlfriend I would.

PoorYorick · 12/10/2017 12:25

I'm usually in the 'stay out of it' camp, but that's because the situation usually involves people the OP isn't really that close to, or in whose lives they really have no stake.

Your brother, who lied in court to get your child kidnapped and falsely tried to make you out to be an unfit mother? Who has a track record for treating women like dirt? Whom you know to be abusing his girlfriend already?

Yes, tell her and be there for her. And if it costs you a dirtbag who tries to help steal children, good FUCKING riddance.

Ivehadtonamechangeforthis · 12/10/2017 12:26

I am amazed so many are saying to keep out of it!

I would tell her. Your brother sounds like a complete shit tbh and any woman would be better off WITHOUT him! If she is as lovely a person as you say and in her early 30's she may well be lining him up for marriage and babies and the sooner she finds out he's not the one the better.

strongasmeringue · 12/10/2017 12:28

I don't tell her. He's disrespectful to women, cares what his mates think as to whether she's pretty enough, is he a looker?Hmm and then tries to remove a child from you. Blood is NOT thicker than water in situations like this. How about gender solidarity means more than DNA? Decency means more than familial ties?