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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Brother cheated on his doting girlfriend - torn

95 replies

PhelanGood · 12/10/2017 10:50

My brother's lady is an absolute sweetheart. They've been together about a year. She is stunningly beautiful, kind, caring, cooks for him all the time and has taken on his son as her own - but she does have issues with low self esteem.
As for my brother, he is a good guy deep down, intelligent and creative, girls go crazy for him but he has always been a bit of a player. He acts quite emotionally abusive towards her (and all women) and I have told her before not to put up with this but she is so understanding she believes it's his issues causing it, so is forgiving. However I don't see her super often as I don't see him much.

Last time I saw him he was ranting about how he has dated better looking girls than her (she is early thirties, naturally pretty, he usually dates younger girls who are fake tanned/caked in make up) and he seemed really concerned that his friends weren't so impressed with her as they were with his exes. I told him where to get off with that attitude and said he should be grateful, she is the best woman any man could wish for. Inside and out.

However have just found out that not only has he been dating around behind her back, but also he has now cheated on her. She is serious about him and goes out of her way to please him - plus she is at an age where she is thinking about having kids.

I am completely torn, on one hand it isn't my place to tell her, I only see them about once a month and she would likely just stay with him regardless and talk it through as she adores him. But as a fellow woman I feel she has a right to know he has not been loyal to her, and possibly is even putting her health at risk.

What the hell do I do? Speak to my brother and tell him if he doesn't come clean or seriously change his behaviour, I will alert her? Or just stay out of the whole thing? Never been in this position and I feel sick.

OP posts:
PondLifeinLondon · 12/10/2017 12:30

As for my brother, he is a good guy deep down, intelligent and creative, girls go crazy for him but he has always been a bit of a player. He acts quite emotionally abusive towards her

No he's not a good guy deep down. He's an abuser.

PondLifeinLondon · 12/10/2017 12:31

I'd be inclined to tell her. One of the reasons partner abuse thrives is because family members tend to close ranks around the abuser and say things like: 'blood is thicker than water'.

This x1000

People like that disgust me. They are as bad as the actual abusers.

longestlurkerever · 12/10/2017 12:31

Is it possible to have a chat with her in general terms about your concern he doesn't treat her well and she deserves more? You could frame it that you'd be surprised if he's even faithful as his track record is so poor, and you wish people had been honest with you. That way you're not divlging any secrets (which you only have second hand anyway) but you've done your best to steer her towards a better relationship?

Lweji · 12/10/2017 12:33

My brother is a good guy. He doesn't cheat on his wife, he's a good parent, does his share at home, and he's stuck for me and supported me in relation to my abusive ex.

Yours, OP, isn't.

Gimmeareason · 12/10/2017 12:33

Hoes before literal bros.

Straycatblue · 12/10/2017 12:34

So this is what you have said about your brother ....

"emotionally abusive"
"he has not been loyal to her, and possibly is even putting her health at risk."
"he was ranting about how he has dated better looking girls than her"
"he betrayed me "
"loves boasting about his conquests"
"he been dating around behind her back"
" but also he has now cheated on her."
"he hurt me so deeply"
"He's extremely funny and charismatic,plus dark and kind of troubled"

And thats before you even mention this pesky detail about your deep down hes good sibling ....

"He betrayed me five years ago trying to help my mum kidnap my child due to a violent ex who crucially, they both knew, was out of the picture, but they saw an opportunity as I'd asked them to watch him while my baby was ill in hospital. He stood against me in court, and both lied and tried to slander my character, "

OP, please seek some help yourself to find out what normal relationships looks like. Much as you would like to believe it, your brother is NOT a good man.
Tell the poor woman who your brother by your own admission is being emotionally abusive to that he is also cheating on her.

strongasmeringue · 12/10/2017 12:38

FFS. I WOULD tell her.

Angelf1sh · 12/10/2017 12:47

Tell her.

Also, ffs your brother is NOT a good guy, no matter how deeply you dig down.

hellsbellsmelons · 12/10/2017 12:54

You could send her a link to this thread????
I'm sorry you have such a fucked up family.
Have you had some counselling for yourself?
Have you done the Freedom Programme?
You sound lovely but your DB is certainly not.

Sooooooooooooooooooooo · 12/10/2017 12:55

Tell her. Your brother is not a nice person.

GWeatherwax · 12/10/2017 12:55

You're brother sounds awful, as a brother and as a partner.

I have been in his girlfriend's shoes and I felt so upset, humiliated and betrayed that half his family knew he'd been cheating but didn't say to me until after I'd already found out!

fruitbrewhaha · 12/10/2017 12:57

OP your family is so far removed from a normal family that you can't see how fucked up this is. Your brother is an arsehole and how could your sister not tell you you were dating someone who had abused a previous girlfriend?

Tell this girl to run for the hills and then follow her. Save her and save yourself.

BackInTheRoom · 12/10/2017 13:07

Bloods thicker than water? Uh not for me! I sided with a relatives wife because said relative acted appallingly and disrupted many peoples lives. For me, it's about looking back on how I treated people in the past.

Imonlyfuckinghuman · 12/10/2017 13:15

Your brother hates women and you'd do well to stay away from him.

Tell her and let her move on.

Imonlyfuckinghuman · 12/10/2017 13:19

Jesus phelan just read your other posts Shock

Your brother really does hate women and that's probably down to your mother. He will never change. He sounds like my bil who dispises women because of the relationship with his mother

Framboise18 · 12/10/2017 13:25

Been in your position and told my brothers girlfriend blood is thicker than water but I won't stand for someone doing wrong to another human being. After that it is the gf choice to be with him or not. I also told my brother I said it and he agreed it was the right thing to do. X

Original poster
PhelanGood · 12/10/2017 13:28

These responses are almost bringing me to tears, in the middle of a cafe! Thank you for such supportive and thoughtful replies. What people have said has reminded me of corrie- if anyone follows it, when Eva found out Aidan was cheating she was equally angry with Kate his sister for keeping it a secret, even though Kate actually didn't know. Eva felt everyone had been laughing at her behind her back. It makes you think.

I agree my family is dysfunctional n weird, we have all had relationship issues but I'm the only one who doesn't have the attitude 'what you don't know can't hurt you' . Our dad went with many prostitutes while with mother, and still, as adults, advised us that unfaithfulness doesnt count unless you're married :-/ bless his soul but I don't agree!

I just spoke to my sister and she says apparently after my brother messed around, he never confessed but he asked his girlfriend if she would be up for an open relationship and she refused. Makes me have some hope she doesn't think he's on the same page as her commitment wise, so she will be extra careful? She said she would never tell the gf as she doesn't see the point, and our brother won't trust her anymore. They are much closer

I like the idea above about chatting with her casually and dropping in that he has a terrible track record with faithfulness. It will warn her without overtly saying anything. I was invited to an event tomorrow but can't really bring myself to go now, but can always catch up on fb? Would that look weird out of the blue?

Reading what I've said and what was quoted, am having second thoughts about seeing him again at all. He's funny and can light up a room, but contact isn't worth the emotional shit or risk. I've distanced myself since last time, in addition to slating gf while she was in another room he kept going on about how much my mother was desperate to see my son, and trying to guilt trip me into letting her?! After what she did no fucking way ever

I get on well with my sister and she took my side during the case. I can't show the gf this thread or it will drop my sister in it! Good idea though..

OP posts:
Original poster
PhelanGood · 12/10/2017 13:28

@framboise you have balls - glad it all worked out for the best!

OP posts:
Imonlyfuckinghuman · 12/10/2017 13:31

It all sounds a mess. Sometimes when so much shit is around you, you don't see the bullshit life your living.

Good luck op, your family sound toxic.

JWrecks · 12/10/2017 14:10

Well, she needs to get away from him no matter what. Very beautiful women tend to have horrible self esteem issues (men won't approach them, women tend to reject them, etc.), and the kind of guy who could say things like "oh I've dated better girls than you" to somebody with already low self esteem is a real shit who does not deserve her.

It does not sound like your brother is actually a very good guy. Quite the opposite, in fact. I'd be very tempted to tell her, if it were me, just to give her a good reason to get away from him.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 12/10/2017 14:13

Phelan - can I just say, as someone who has been in (albeit short) abusive relationship with one of these charming men who light up a room - dropping hints Will Not Work. I managed to find an alternative explanation for every single one of the things my ex did wrong to me, because I knew his background and thought that it was, of not excusable, at least understandable. I was wrong. He was just an abusive wanker who enjoyed getting one over on me.

Would you want someone to tell you? or do you think you'd also be the sort of person who might be able to find alternative explanations/ reasons for what's being said? If you think you'd want to know, then you have your answer. If you think you'd be able to twist any hints into a reasonable explanation, then you have your answer.

For whatever reason, your sister is choosing to stay close to your brother. So you won't get any help or validation from her - but she hasn't told you NOT to tell the GF, has she, only that she wouldn't do it.

So make your own choice.

Pannnn · 12/10/2017 14:21

Hint dropping is a dreadful approach. It's quite cowardly.
Just tell her directly.

ScrambledSmegs · 12/10/2017 14:23

By having sex with other women he is exposing his unwitting girlfriend to STIs. She needs to know so she can be tested and protect herself. However, you can't just provide hearsay. She will probably perform all sorts of mental gymnastics to absolve him, most likely of the 'shoot the messenger' kind. You'll need proof.

Your brother is evidently the sort of person who would throw you under a bus if he thought it might benefit him.

LovelyFriend · 12/10/2017 14:24

it'd be a wake up call to lose her.
I very much doubt it would be.

MessyBun247 · 12/10/2017 14:24

Fuck him! Sounds like an absolute prick!
Tell the girlfriend and let her be free of him.
If he goes no contact with you, happy days Smile