How can we fix this? Should I stop working?

[Sevendaysinaweek]

Sorry if this is long...

I guess our story may be familiar to many. DH works in a stressful, long hours job. He travels quite a bit too. During the week, he isn't really available to help with any aspect of DC or housework. During the weekend, he is tired and also has 'projects' around the house which he would like to get done so even then doesn't really help or engage very well (in my view).

My job is senior level and stressful too but I work part time (three days). On top of my job I do all the DC and housework related stuff. So I get them up, ready and fed in the morning, prepare school bags and packed lunches, get to work, rush to fit my work into an eight hour day, rush home in time for nanny finishing time, do homework with them and bedtime.

On top of this, one of our DC is quite challenging and doesn't sleep well. She struggles to get to sleep at night and I will often still be trying to settle her at 9/10pm (she is 5). She usually doesn't sleep through the night and comes to us - DH and I take turns sleeping in the spare room to accommodate this. All of this means I don't get much time for "chores" (never mind dinner or relaxing) in the evenings and I do things like laundry and other housework on my two days off while youngest is at pre-school for three hours.

So I suppose there are a multitude of issues here, but the upshot of it is that DH and I don't spend much time together, DH doesn't spend much time with the DC, and we are all very tired (except the youngest DC who sleeps beautifully). I also end up feeling resentful as although I work part time, I think shouldering the burden (mental as well as practical) of everything DC related is something DH underestimates hugely.

So where do we even start to fix this? I have suggested I stop working as it will reduce stress, give me more downtime and at least make me feel less resentful about picking up all the home stuff. It's completely feasible financially but DH is strongly opposed as he believes me working adds to the family financial stability (he is very risk averse), he thinks it is good for me mentally to work, and he doesn't want me to waste my degree... I have also suggested he change jobs but he likes his work and is paid very well so he's not keen on that either.

Are we missing a trick? What else can we do? How do others who struggle with similar scenarios solve this? Getting DC sleep sorted would lessen the burden significantly but we have really tried most things on that front and there is certainly no easy solution.

Any thoughts gratefully received.

OP i reckon improving sleep should be your top priority. So what was it about your holiday that worked?

If it was co-sleeping with one each, I'd set aside a couple of weeks to do that, you with the one that needs more in the evening, him getting in with the other when he gets home.

A couple of weeks of that, if it suits, will work off the overtiredness all round. Your chores can wait for a couple of weeks. Order in food from Cook or similar so you can go to bed with the DC if necessary (I don't do this as often as i'd like - but if i do, i find i'm often awake v early, and feeling great, so i slip downstairs and often burn through my chores far faster than if I'd stayed up to do them the night before).

Then, you can re-arrange to a maintenance phase on sleep. And with your're older one I'd discuss it. What is important to them? What do you need? E.g .mine loves it if i get in and stay with her all ngiht. but sometimes i want an evening. So i cuddle her as she falls asleep, with a promise that I'll get in when i come to bed, and she's happy with that. If she mucks about at bedtime i don't stay with her. In some ways, me staying with her is the prize for calm bedtime behaviour.

If she asks me to come in with her in the night i discuss it with her and honour what we've agreed. SO if Ive said i'll sleep in her bed, i do. But if i need not to for some reason, i let her know that. I sometimes leave early in the morning, before she wakes, to do an exercise class before work too, and i let her know that too, so she's not surprised if i'm not there in the morning.

Yep, don’t give up work. Your dh needs to reign in his hours, and projects. There in lies the problem. Your dds sleep is very similar to my dds who is 8. She’s outgrown coming in to bed with us, but has a bedtime story on cd each night to send her off to sleep, maybe try that?
Definitely get a cleaner. We had one, and will be getting another one again as I’m going back full time. Your dh can pay for it seen as he’s never around.