How can we fix this? Should I stop working?

[Sevendaysinaweek]

Sorry if this is long...

I guess our story may be familiar to many. DH works in a stressful, long hours job. He travels quite a bit too. During the week, he isn't really available to help with any aspect of DC or housework. During the weekend, he is tired and also has 'projects' around the house which he would like to get done so even then doesn't really help or engage very well (in my view).

My job is senior level and stressful too but I work part time (three days). On top of my job I do all the DC and housework related stuff. So I get them up, ready and fed in the morning, prepare school bags and packed lunches, get to work, rush to fit my work into an eight hour day, rush home in time for nanny finishing time, do homework with them and bedtime.

On top of this, one of our DC is quite challenging and doesn't sleep well. She struggles to get to sleep at night and I will often still be trying to settle her at 9/10pm (she is 5). She usually doesn't sleep through the night and comes to us - DH and I take turns sleeping in the spare room to accommodate this. All of this means I don't get much time for "chores" (never mind dinner or relaxing) in the evenings and I do things like laundry and other housework on my two days off while youngest is at pre-school for three hours.

So I suppose there are a multitude of issues here, but the upshot of it is that DH and I don't spend much time together, DH doesn't spend much time with the DC, and we are all very tired (except the youngest DC who sleeps beautifully). I also end up feeling resentful as although I work part time, I think shouldering the burden (mental as well as practical) of everything DC related is something DH underestimates hugely.

So where do we even start to fix this? I have suggested I stop working as it will reduce stress, give me more downtime and at least make me feel less resentful about picking up all the home stuff. It's completely feasible financially but DH is strongly opposed as he believes me working adds to the family financial stability (he is very risk averse), he thinks it is good for me mentally to work, and he doesn't want me to waste my degree... I have also suggested he change jobs but he likes his work and is paid very well so he's not keen on that either.

Are we missing a trick? What else can we do? How do others who struggle with similar scenarios solve this? Getting DC sleep sorted would lessen the burden significantly but we have really tried most things on that front and there is certainly no easy solution.

Any thoughts gratefully received.

I don't think the issue is the hours your DH does during the wrk but his absence at the weekend. That's the bit that's making family life suffer.
Tell him weekends are for family and he needs to spend time with all of you not sneak off to do projects. Tell him you will take thee trip to the recycling centre on your day off or fox-proof the garden or whatever it is. Or you'll pay somebody to do it.
It's he fact he's too "busy" for his family that's the issue.
Don't give up your job!

Four days each. That is a genius plan. Make loads more money than one working hard and the other not at all.

Say this is what you want.

If the home stuff with the kids was work stuff then you bet he would manage it.

Go on strike - yeah let it affect the kids, they won’t die if late, dirty or have eaten more junk food. Drop it all and walk away for a bit.

I disagree with Japanese that four days each is a solution. It really isn't. A solution is him participating in the running of the family. With you guys working 80 hours a week in the workplace between you I don't see why he thinks he shouldn't have to do anything except weekend jobs.

For as long as women put up with crap like this there won't be true equality in the workplace or in our relationships. We have to hold all men accountable for their actions. Imagine you were at work and your peer decided that they didn't want to make coffee because they were too busy. How do you think management would react? Do you think the company would be concerned about sexual discrimination? My employer sure would be. In a relationship the two parties are equal. One isn't above the other. Right now your DH is behaving like he is above you. That has to stop.

Have you asked him why he is getting home so late? What is his commute time? There is no reason why any full time employee should leave the office later than 6pm - if this is happening regularly he needs to review his working practices - either he is performing badly and can’t cope with the workload or his employer is at fault with the staffing levels and therefore your DH should be raising this so he can get home at a reasonable time.

No - 4 days each isn't the solution. That wasn't really what I meant - more that OP needs to get across the idea that she isn't prepared for this to be made ok by HER sorting it out. Actually suggesting that the solution should be along the lines of him needing to do something drastic which he absolutely wouldn't want will give him a shock and a fright. That as far as his wife is concerned, it isn't a given that he will get to carry on having his nice life as big breadwinner man who doesn't have to pick up behind himself and gets to laze in bed. No, if he doesn't pull his socks up and actually apply himself to his OTHER job - raising a family alongside OP - then he might have to be made to do so.

Parker. In my previous job I worked up to 120 hours a week. Coming home at 7-8pm isn't unreasonable for the majority of middle or upper management.

Want2bsupermum - I’m in a senior corporate position and my team have always known that meetings will end by 5pm. My DT’s are now at Uni but many of my team and clients have young families and therefore want to do their share of collections from after school clubs/take their DC’s to sports clubs etc. I work to live not live to work - work/life balance is the most important issue and it sounds like the OP’s DH has forgotten his responsibilities to his family.

OP, who carries the mental load? Does your DH see what needs to be done or await instruction? It’s a huge Imbalance if it’s just you, but also a big adjustment change that mindset.

It sounds like you made progress this morning.

With regard to co-sleeping, I would always start DC off in their own bed. If they wake in the night I wouldn’t turn them out, but the rule would be to start off in their own bed. I wouldn’t go to bed when they do.

parker Meetings might finish for 5pm but that doesn't mean you can walk out the door. You need to prepare for the next day. If my last meeting in my last job was at 5pm I'd be lucky to only have an hour of work after that to be ready for the next day.

That being said I never had meetings that finished at 5pm. Regularly they went on until 8pm. That's big 4 though and I'm happy I left.

Don't give up work, especially not if your marriage is under strain. It will be even more under strain if you are stuck at home doing all the domestic and child related chores without the mental respite of some brain work, while your DH continues to absent himself from any real partcipation. The difference then will be that you will not have the financial stability of your own salary should things go badly wrong.

I gave up work for similar reasons. Huge mistake, which I regret. Once you are out of the workplace it is very hard to get back in at the level you left.

Out source more of the drudge work. Get a cleaner, who also does ironing. Send stuff out to the dry cleaners. Get a sitter and have a weekly date night with your DH. Arrange family days out, so you spend time together away from chores, and homework etc. Just hang in there, the sleep issues will not last forever. Don't give up your career, which provides far more than just a salary in terms of confidence and self worth over this. It's the intangible aspects of having career that are the least valued but hardest to lose.

When I resigned from my pretty high level job my boss called me into his office. He asked me why? Then he told said ' a career isn't just about money. It is about so much more than that...'

Wish I'd listened.

Very good advice ineverbakecakes. I'll certainly think twice before giving up work. It's an attractive daydream just for the amount if downtime I would get, but appreciate not a great longer term strategy.

We did have a talk this evening and he'll start helping in the mornings, the weekend 'family day' idea has been accepted and I've obtained reluctant agreement that weekend projects must be on an agreed list before they're started. He's also going to re-take control of laundry and this time I solemnly swear never to touch the laundry again under any circumstances.

Get a housekeeper type. Bit more than a cleaner but will change bed linen, do laundry and maybe even cook a bit.

I wouldn't give up work either.

Don't give up work!!!

I've seen couples be very successful taking turns to let the other one have a sleep in and morning off each on the weekend. And schedule a babysitter for a date night just you two once a month.
It may seem like an expense but actually it's an investment in your relationship and happiness.

I could’ve written your post OP with the exception of the senior role. I’m glad I came across your post as I have been having the same concerns as you. We also have a dc who has sleep issues and it is truly exhausting.

The last thing I would want is my marriage to implode but I can feel a resentment growing because of the imbalance. And because DH seems to not engage fully with family life presumably because his job is full on. If I say anything he gets defensive.

He very rarely comes home before 9-10pm most nights except by special arrangement. There’s always some drama. I’ll often get a text saying that he’s going for ‘a pint’ on the way home. Sometimes 3 times a week. Sometimes not even a text. He’ll then be home even later and then struggle to get up in the morning let alone help!

I agree with pps. Don’t give up your work. Particularly in the long run it’s not a good idea. Co-sleep if it helps. Or do what pp says about starting dd off in her own bed but let her come into you if she needs you.

There’s some great advice on this post. Some of which has fired me up to tackle my own situation. I’ve been too weary up until now. Discovering the concept of the ‘mental load’ has helped me understand why I feel so swamped a lot of the time even though I ‘work’ fewer days than him.

Don't give up work! Mumsnet is full of posters wondering why they can't find a job a few years after leaving their career. Also, your DH will totally disengage if you do that. I second going away for a long weekend or a week on a course or hobby, as long as he will pick up the slack and not have the grandparents and nanny run around doing everything.

Hey OP, how are things going?

Catnip- your dp sounds terrible! Kick him to the kerb for a bit. Single dad will get his priorities in order.

Your DC won't always want to co-sleep - they will grow out of it eventually. I would be inclined to let them co-sleep - with everyone getting more sleep, everyone should be less tired and grumpy and bedtimes will be easier.

As for your DH - he really need to step up. All child free leisure time should be equally divided between you two.

*needs

I think your title sums up your issues completely - its is an issue you should fix together yet you are the only one coming up with solutions, a theme I suspect is the root of almost all your issues.

Because actually what would you giving up really solve - neither of your main issues: your eldest's sleep issues and your husband disconnect from family life

Yes you can fix this. Part of it is time, just keep going.
Get a cleaner.
Drop one job this week. Even if it kills you to see the mess. Only tidy toys once a day and make it last thing with the kids, so they can have fun helping. Stay upstairs and relax for 2 hours alternate nights and just concentrate on responding to your child. Stay in your room and read, respond to her cry’s with just one hug. 3 mins max, time it. Then go. Repeat repeat repeat. That should build her trust. Reduce to 2.5 mins etc gradually. Get H to do it on his nights. Maybe one night cuddle both you and DH in bed and respond in turns.

Don’t fight it, it won’t last. Enjoy the hugs!

One evening just get that nanny to babysit, go out with H!

Cautiously optimistic. Sleep is not sorted and to be honest I'm not sure when it will be. We all slept well on holiday last week though as DH and I co-slept with a DC each, even going to bed at the same time. Not really an option day to say though as we do need our evenings to get stuff done.

Last weekend DH took DC along on one of his 'project' outings and took them out for lunch too so I had about three hours to myself. Lovely. Also it is now understood that under no circumstances will I do the laundry again so that's good. All in all feeling quite positive.

I think whoever said it's just a difficult time to get through is right, and also the phrase that giving up work is a permanent 'solution' to a temporary problem really stuck with me.

Seems to me that, since you're shouldering all the workload, it seems your decision how to deal with it and him telling you what you should and shouldnt do is out of order.

If you enjoy your job I wouldn't give it up as I suspect it will be difficult to get back into it once the kids are older. Would you consider reducing hours / is that even possible?

Personally I would tell him that if you're going to continue working as he insists, you need to outsource as much other stuff as possible. You say you have a nanny, what about a cleaner? Laundry service? Even a virtual PA? He works hard but so do you - can he take some of the workload off your hands (managing the bills and finances for example)?

I'd say no more "projects" on his days off. You get tradespeople in for those with the extra money you have because you're working. Outside of full time working hours the kids are a joint responsibility and he must take on more. You also need time on your own together. On weekends you have one morning each where you get a lie in and a rest.

He needs to stop seeing you as the project manager of your family - it's a lot more work than he understands. I also bet he wouldn't be thrilled if you insisted he work PT and take over everything else so you can go back FT.

Not read the whole thread but my first thought was a cleaner would help massively here and it sounds like this is affordable.

Really helpful ideas here. Cleaner definitely. And a clear prioritisation of household tasks. 'Hanging pictures' should certainly not take priority over family time and your DH needs to see that this won't wash anymore.

I also totally agree with the 'don't pick a permanent solution to a temporary problem' advice. Hang in there, the sleep issues will get better.