Is it normal to fantasise about someone else whilst dtd with dw/Dh or ltp?

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I read an article recently, cosmo or something but it was an interview about how much men think about sex on a daily basis, etc. Part of it though was a married man saying it’s normal to picture other women, real or fictional whilst having sex with his wife as they had been together so long. He said he often pictures his wife’s or sisters friends he finds attractive. I was telling Dh about it and asking him does he think it’s something that people do, (I don’t), he picked me up wrong, was half listening and thought I said the guy fantasises about his sister, he burst out laughing and said no way! I corrected him and said I said sisters friend and he said ‘oh right well yeah’ but stopped himself and said no, he didn’t think people did that. He would know I’d be very upset if I thought he did while we were being intimate so would never admit to it. Anyway I suppose I’m just asking is it a thing for people?, particularly those in long relationships to spice things up I suppose?

I think some people do and some don't and there is no way of knowing which side your dh falls because only an idiot would admit he fantasises about other women whilst dtd with his partner. Esp if he fantasised about women either of you actually know in real life - that would feel like a betrayal.

I do think this is a bad question to ask, a) because any sensible person will lie so there is no point asking and b) if your partner is daft enough to admit to this, you are going to hear info that hurts you.
Only ask if you are in a relationship where you get off on fantasising about your partner having sex with other people.

Bollocks. You're defensive and snappy because that's your baseline. Own it, girl!

But bloody well be honest with future partners and let them know that you expect to control every aspect of their sexuality, including who they may find attractive in the deep recesses of their minds.

There are a lot of guys out there into chastity, cuckold, etc who'll be totally down with that.

Guys with a more healthy mainstream sexuality? Not so much.

That's a bit strong. She doesn't want to control all aspects of his sexuality - she just wants to know that when he is having sex with her, he isn't thinking of someone else! Hardly a control freak. It's basically good manners really.

If the sex is good you wouldn't be thinking about anything else surely? And if it isn't that good or exciting then that's down to both of you to fix.

Guys with a more healthy mainstream sexuality? Not so much

Oh ffs So a man who isn't fantasising about his next door neighbour's dog walker while fucking his wife doesn't have a 'healthy mainstream sexuality'?

Who made you the coital font of knowledge?

Calm down Ford, you don’t even know me! Why are you getting so upset? Maybe you have your own issues that you need to deal with? Either way no need to get so worked up about me or my Dh, I certainly don’t give a shit about your opinion.

Aderyn17- thanks for that
I’m not at all a control freak and would never try to police anyone’s thoughts, it is just good manners to expect that when your with your Dh that he’s not thinking about other women. I think anyone that dosnt have low expectations of their Dh/ dp and their relationship can and should expect that. It’s about love and respect and not just pure sex.

OP
you seriously need to just stop this thread now. It's ridiculous
You seem vert combative
You're on an Internet forum, asking a question you don't like any answers too, let alone the answer you think your husband did/didn't give
Just go and sort things out in RL and stop taking all of this so personally

Very*

And ffs you first posted this at 8AM
and you're still going on about it.
Everyone has said either it's shit if they do, or don't ask the question if you don't like the answer or just bloody talk to your DH
All you seem to have done is get angry with people and go on and on about how awful it would be if your DH was thinking along those lines
It's just utter teenage madnesss

Worried if it’s upsetting you and you don’t like this thread that’s ok, no one is expecting you to read it or let alone post. I’m not looking to argue with anyone, everyone has their own beliefs, opinions and that’s ok. I’m a little defensive though when strangers call me insecure or a thought control freak and I deserve to have my husband fantasise about others because I’m snappy to people assuming they know my personality.

Firstly it's not upsetting me in the slightest
You're just a bit frustrating
You've been told many points of views and many options, yet you just repeatiy say "I'm snappy because people don't know me"
This is an Internet forum, what do you expect
You've not updated if you've spoken to your DH properly, in which case people might be able to support you one way or another.

You've been with him for over 20 years, and yet this seems to be an issue that you can't deal with, i.e. People might think you're insecure in your relationship for many many reasons that we don't know.

I would hope if you had been with someone that long you might be able to have an adult conversation with them, instead of getting angry at strangers on the internet

I would hate my dp was thinking about others, but I would NEVER ask that question, because it's a question with no answer.

Bloody hell had to check this wasn't aibu with all the nasty responses. If a man is thinking of someone else he is basically just using you like a masturbation tool, there's no connection. But if some of you are happy to settle for that...

Worried honestly there’s nothing to ask my Dh about, I’ve already asked him he said he dosnt and that’s that. As pp’s have said he or anyone else would be pretty stupid to admit to something like that, and I understand that logic. Your saying things like I’ve posted at 8am and still here now, but if you look you’ll see you posted shortly after my OP and yet your here now too? Also accusing me of being on my own post is a little strange? Look I have no issues with you, I appreciate your input, really I do.

I think it's bad and would not accept this as the norm

The responses on here are vile.

If he's thinking of someone else during sex with you then yes, as a PP has mentioned, you would basically be a maturation tool. Bizarre responses from others posters just gagging to tear people down. If other posters are totally cool with this then I pity their sex lives, perhaps they prefer their partner to do this if the sex isn't satisfactory...

However from your OP I don't think you have anything to worry about

khajiit13- thank you

If I remember correctly Notthefordtype is a sex worker OP. quite possibly a touchy subject for her re men and being used as a masturbation tool.

He's lying.......

But as long as he's not fantasising about Matt Damon or Ben Afleck while he's pumping away, don't stress it and go with the flow......

Every one is an individual and different..... Our libido's are driven by electric neutrons, chemical changes and hormonal changes in the body, driven by brain function, conscious and sub conscious....... Which all help to equate to desire

Some people may consciously fantasise about other people when being intimate with their partner and some people may do it on a subconscious level......

The important thing Op, is that your husband loves YOU, wants to be intimate, sexual and emotional with YOU, you are loving and sexual partner and soul mate..... He chose you, and still does, and the same for you.....

Think about these things next time you both make love.......

😀

I think it's bad and would not accept this as the norm

What would you do, exactly? Demand your partner only thinks what you want him to think?

I neither accused you of being a control freak or insecure, yet you still reacted in a vile, aggressive manner. I never actually said anything at all about this being normal, i expressed no opinion whatsoever, but it seems I'm not entitled to do that, regardless of your recent backpeddling that you respect others opinions.

If you don't want snappy responses don't dish them out in the first place. Overreacting here is why some accused you of insecurity.

What khajiit13 said.

I wouldnt want to be a masturbation tool for anyone.
And I'm quiet that so many people are defending the right to fantasise about someone else whilst having sex.
I personally find that very disrespectful TBH.

What would you do, exactly? Demand your partner only thinks what you want him to think?

Why would one need to demand it? Surely that person should have no NEED to think about someone else to enjoy the sex they have with you. Just because they fancy you, want to have sex with you and that's the reason why they are doing it?

If you need to think about someone else to have sex with a partner/make it nice etc..., why on earth would you have sex with them in the first place?

Surely that person should have no NEED to think about someone else

But what if they do? You don't get to police what's in someone's head.