Is it normal to fantasise about someone else whilst dtd with dw/Dh or ltp?

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I read an article recently, cosmo or something but it was an interview about how much men think about sex on a daily basis, etc. Part of it though was a married man saying it’s normal to picture other women, real or fictional whilst having sex with his wife as they had been together so long. He said he often pictures his wife’s or sisters friends he finds attractive. I was telling Dh about it and asking him does he think it’s something that people do, (I don’t), he picked me up wrong, was half listening and thought I said the guy fantasises about his sister, he burst out laughing and said no way! I corrected him and said I said sisters friend and he said ‘oh right well yeah’ but stopped himself and said no, he didn’t think people did that. He would know I’d be very upset if I thought he did while we were being intimate so would never admit to it. Anyway I suppose I’m just asking is it a thing for people?, particularly those in long relationships to spice things up I suppose?

and honestly who knows what is or isnt normal.
I would perhaps stop reading cosmo!!!

I dunno about what's 'normal' or not but my belief is that when you're with someone in person then sex should be about a mutual connection and closeness (and fun!)...therefore something is up if you're 'checking out' mentally and thinking about other people.

If it's solo time anything goes.

As a guy - I don't think about other people. I do think it being someone pulling me into a room in an office, or a stranger I meet while out, or any number of other fantasies, but these 'strangers' are always actually my girlfriend - her face, her body, basically her. So maybe at worst it's her, if I didn't already know her, if that makes sense?

And sorry, to clarify, it was a question, directed to him, and within our marriage a perfectly normal question to ask, we’re very close and he wouldn’t have issues asking me similarly personal questions. Each to their own and all that.

Yes, as long as your fantasies are in your head and not impinging on your relationship, each to their own.

I don't think being in a relationship gives you the right to police your OH's thoughts and fantasies.

Thanks for that Tabsicle, I don’t think i asked for opinions on that** but I respect that that’s your opinion and how you may conduct your own relationships, but in my relationship if I was fantasizing about my dh’s best friend while we were dtd and I was honest and told him because he asked he would go ballistic and would be extremely hurt, and I would totally understand it. Again each to their own.

Can't see why you would think about someone else during sex unless you like that person more than the person you're having sex with.

Bit of an odd way to ask him though and now it's just made you think other things. Maybe just ask properly?

he’s banging your best friend

Would it matter to you if it wasn’t your best friend? Is it more personal because of the examples used in the article?

If you’re not happy, to be honest, I’d talk to him again - but maybe prepare that his answer might not be what you wanted to hear, just incase. At least you’d get his view on it that way.

For the record, I don’t think everyone does it but I think a lot probably do.

One of my male friends told me that all men do this I asked my partner and he said he never had, but he would wouldn’t he?

Either way, I don’t care. As long as I get a happy ending he can think about whatever he wants!

I'm appalled this happens.

It's like fantasising about spag bol when you're eating egg and chips. Aside from the horrible duplicity of it, I just don't see why anyone would do it.

How can one man speak for all men? Just because he does doesn't mean others do, let alone all men. People do have a way of assuming that their own opinion or behaviour is general because they want to believe it's normal.

I suspect some men do think about your best friend, your neighbour and some random women they passed on their way to work. I suspect it's more common to think about different random women than one specific woman. I bit like how we mix people up when we dream.

I suspect some men think about porn they have seen, either specific women, scenes or acts.

And I suspect some men do none of that but plenty of women do.

I never think of other men, but I have found intrusive thoughts usually about previous acts/scenarios I've experienced or simply like the idea of.

I never think of other men during sex

If I found out my partner was thinking of another woman while sleeping with me I'd end it! Solo yes, with me no

It's disrespectful

When I say intrusive, they pop up, I don't have any control over it. I might suppress it sometimes and focus my attention on DP but it's random and often find myself drawn back to it. But then I'm not a very practical, physical person, or very driven by the senses or stuff outside of me. I'm completely driven by thinking and I could quite happily daydream or think all day without any interaction with other people. So Im inclined to think that may play a part in how much people live in the moment or escape into fantasy. And poeple can't be chastised for being like that!

Your defensive and snappy responses to other posters expressing their points of view leads me to think your DP probably thinks about someone - anyone - else just to relieve the stress.

But hey, thought crime isn't a thing. Look forward to the joyful science fiction future where you can totally control and police your partner's every fleeting memory or whim!

It is very difficult to be honest if one faces judgement and retribution!

NotTheFordType- Yes your right, I have been defensive and snappy and I apologize, but it’s only really been because of answers like yours, making assumptions and being very judgie. That’s an awful thing to say to someone about their relationship when you actually have no idea who I am, or he is, based on comments on a forum. Very hurtful indeed tbh. I could’ve predicted your opinion though, considering your profession.

You're actually accusing others of being judgy

My initial comment to you wasn't meant to be judgemental at all, but you took it that way and reacted in a completely over the top aggressive way. You've continued to do so and this leads me to assume that's your usual reaction to anything your dh says wrong.

OP, make your mind up. Do you want an honest answer or to hear something you want to hear from your DH? Agree with Brahms, do not ask questions the answers to which you can’t handle. Oh, and grow up

OP I get you. I have no control over my DH thoughts I know this but I would be broken hearted if he was fantasizing about fucking someone else whilst doing the deed with me!
Your mistake was asking the question. I would never ask something like that as your just inviting insecurity in.
You need to try to put it out of your mind and try not to dwell on it or if you cant speak to him and acknowledge that your being silly but just ask for some reassurance? My DH would make sure i felt secure if something silly like this had bothered me. But then I'm rubbish at hiding my feelings!

Well for me, this would be very weird to fantasise about other people whilst having sex
I know I heard that before and have alw wondered how people do that. Because whenim having sex, I'm usually concentrating in the sensations and it feels to me rather than the person se iyswim

Oh I imagine most folk imagine other things at times be it people or situations . Myself never other people but def situations before .
In all honesty though I think to be having sex in the first place for men they have to have an attraction for you so I wouldn't really let your mind wander to much further than that.

I agree that I would find this absolutely disgusting. Love the chips and spag bol analogy.

I don’t do it. I would like the same back.

I would hate it if oh had a wank over my sister or my friend too, seems worse if you know them. Again I don’t do it over his mates. Guess I would never ever know so it doesn’t really matter. Just not a nice thought.

Like a pp I didn’t fantasise about other men when I was with my ex, but I did let my mind wander and thought about mundane stuff. One time I realised I was having a very dull daydream about looking through a rail of clothes and not liking any of them!

Sex did go on for ages and I’d get bored. But if I’d thought about other men it would have seemed unfair.

I never did in the past because it seemed disrespectful to the relationship, iykwim. However, after the last round of (again) realizing how much porn OH has watched, while telling me he hasn't, and the looking up a FB friend then related images, I have. I don't think I ever would have if I didn't believe he was doing it first though.