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Original poster

Exhausted husband with nothing left to give at the weekend.

87 replies

PrincessPotsie · 09/10/2017 05:46

My DH has his own company and works really hard. He has had a particularly busy week travelling around the country and is very stressed about his current projects.

We have 3DC and our youngest has just started in Reception. I have been a sahm for the last four years and have just started to work two days a week.

I get so frustrated at the weekends when my DH is 'absent' while at home. He has nothing left to give to me and the DC as he's used all his energy and enthusiasm at work. Things have been particularly stressful this weekend and I've felt like I've been treading on eggshells and trying to stop him losing his temper with the kids.

I have barely sat down all weekend and he's been out to swimming lessons and rugby with the DC but then slept on the sofa all Saturday afternoon and again this afternoon. He has hardly spoken to me.

This is not how I imagine weekends to be.

How do you cope with this without getting pissed off and resentful??

OP posts:
RedForFilth · 09/10/2017 18:32

I'd be really unhappy and feel undervalued and unappreciated if I was your partner. You have those three days your kids are at school all to yourself. You can go out if you want, or simply be in the house alone uninterrupted, watching tv or however you relax. Yes you probably do the housework etc but it can't take that much time.

Tbh if I were him splitting would be a serious option to consider. He would get every other weekend to himself to recharge! You get time to relax and so should. I'm always exhausted but have the energy for my toddler because I have to being a single parent with no help. If I was in a relationship with the other parent I wouldn't expect to be because I would expect that we give each other breaks.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 09/10/2017 18:43

So you have three school days to yourself yet moan he dares have a few hours on a Sunday? Poor bloke I'd find some one who appreciated the hours he worked to ensure they didn't have to do much. Two days out of seven is barely anything.

yetmorecrap · 09/10/2017 18:59

I guess some of us who worked full time (not by choice) with under 5's find it hard here to be that empathetic as many of us had zero time in the week to do anything pleasant and weekends were indeed fully taken up washing, shopping, cleaning and childcare (maybe some shared)

I am struggling to understand whats actually wanted/needed here. is it the OP wants more household help with kids and chores at weekends or a more engaged DH to go out to places for fun stuff as a family, because the solution very much depends on what OP is looking to gain. To be honest if I had been in a position to work just 2 days with school aged children and a full time working DH, I would have expected to do the lions share of household stuff leaving DH free to do more 'fun stuff' at weekends. As it was I did full time and virtually all the housework too-- not much fun!! However this doesnt let the OPs other half off the hook totally, if he isnt even engaging with fun stuff with the children and giving the OP a bit of a break for a few hours at weekends, then he needs a kick up the arse.

Textpectation · 09/10/2017 19:16

He works 5/7 and takes the dc to activities and then wants a nap in the afternoon. Sounds fair enough.
You work 2/7 and would like quality time all together. Why not try something low key like a movie night or board game for an hour?

Is it feasible for you both to work 4 days? At one stage my oh and I did this - I had Mondays off and he had Fridays. We sorted the house out so we had the weekends free. It's still relentless but was better for us to share the load at home and work.

I worked 60 hours last week and spent all weekend going from one activity to another. I'm shattered today, I'm not sure how I'm going to get through the week.

famousfour · 09/10/2017 19:17

Sounds tough. I guess you would just like to have a live and present husband - to feel like you have quality family time. He sounds like he's knackered and wants to zone out.

Have you talked with him and explained that you miss family time and thought together about structured ways he can get his down time so that he is better able to enjoy the rest of the time? What if he took Saturday morning off for example? Obviously it needs to be fair to you too.

However, regardless of his stress taking it out on his family with a short temper is not on. He needs to get a grip on that.

Looksprettybad · 09/10/2017 19:28

I've felt like I've been treading on eggshells and trying to stop him losing his temper with the kids

That's the real issue and very damaging to the children...

RedForFilth · 09/10/2017 19:56

Well maybe you could give him a break to go to counselling to address his anger issues if he has them? I'd advise giving at least an hour afterwards too so he can wind down from the counselling preferably somewhere quiet. I always needed this when I had counselling to process everything. It depends if you would be willing to facilitate this though.

deepestdarkestperu · 09/10/2017 20:23

I've felt like I've been treading on eggshells and trying to stop him losing his temper with the kids

He's irritable and short-tempered because he's exhausted! He's working long hours and doesn't even get a lie-in or a break at the weekends to recharge, whereas OP gets three days off each week to do what she wants.

Ploppie4 · 09/10/2017 20:30

could you both have half a recovery day Saturday? 3 or 4 hours to yourself each. Then family day Sunday?

Stressalot42 · 09/10/2017 20:50

Poor bloke, must be knackered and stressed!

Stressalot42 · 09/10/2017 20:51

could you both have half a recovery day Saturday? 3 or 4 hours to yourself each. Then family day Sunday?

Bit OP already gets this three days a week!

WingsofNylon · 09/10/2017 22:06

I've not re A the full thread but I know when my work gets full on I am blank for most of the weekend. I worked out the best way do operate was not take on quite so much at work. A good chunk of people people's jobs is stuff they decide to do off thier own backs and so could easily decide to doless or at least diffrently.

Equally my and DH worked out a way to simply say to each other 'I need to check out for x hours'.

This isnt an easy situation for either of you but there are ways out.

bakingaddict · 09/10/2017 22:22

How well is the business doing? Could he afford to take on someone to free himself up a bit so he's not so exhausted. If you have to walk on eggshells so he doesn't lose his temper with the kids then he needs to find a solution to his working problem because his work as it is isn't sustainable.

Original poster
PrincessPotsie · 09/10/2017 22:31

Right I'm back after a busy DC's birthday day. Thanks goodness I didn't post in AIBU as I've forgotten how harsh some of you can be.

Thanks for all your comments which I have read and thought about during the day.

Firstly I have to say that I love my DH and don't want him to feel this stressed and exhausted. I am not saying that he doesn't 'help' with the kids at the weekend, I'm saying he zones out as one of you put it.

I was probably more tired this weekend as DC2 and 3 had d&v bugs last week and were off school for three days, and I had birthday stuff to sort for DC1.

I've only started my new job in Sept after not working for a couple of years so my brain is a bit mashed. Despite the illness, birthday and job I have not zoned out.

I think my major problem is that I find it difficult to relax so I have to start making the effort to on my three days off in the week. I need to stop trying to do all the jobs I've avoided since DC3 was born and start learning to relax myself. I made myself go for a walk, read the paper while having a coffee and do some gardening today....I haven't been doing things like that for a while.

My other issue is resentment: why should DH be asleep sat and sun afternoons while I'm with the kids? Especially as he always lies in in the mornings too? I get this too in the mornings when DH is in bed and then getting himself ready while I'm trying to sort me and the 3DC out.

DH has got a problem controlling his temper. This has got better during our marriage but he still needs to work on this.

I've suggested moving the Saturday morning swimming lessons so I think I will do this so that we're not all out early on both weekend mornings. DH does go to the gym usually while the kids swim so he could do that as usual. We've also got a weekend away coming up which will be amazing for us both!

Thanks again for all the advice.

OP posts:
slimyslitheryslug · 09/10/2017 23:20

When the DC were pre-school, I used to get a bit frustrated with DH zoning out and weekends and it wasn't helped by the fact that, as I only worked three days a week, I was the more "present" parent and so the ones the children defaulted to asking for a drink or to do this or that.
DC2 starting school coincided with me going up to four days a week. On my day off, I do a lot of errands and odds and ends around the house but, from lunchtime on, I do my own thing whether it is gardening, going for a run, sitting on the sofa with a book or helping at DC's school. That is my time off in the week.
At the weekend, DH has Saturday morning at home by himself whilst I ferry kids between activities. At least once a month (more if he is busy and needs to unwind) he will have all of Sunday home alone to do what he wants (watch Sky Sports). It works for all of us. I love my days out by myself with the children as it reminds me of the days when I was at home with them two days a week; they enjoy it for similar reasons; we come home & DH is actually relaxed & refreshed. He doesn't enjoy his job but works really hard at it & it has primarily been that which has let the children and I enjoy the very enjoyable life we have done so do the past few years

RedSkyAtNight · 10/10/2017 07:46

OP - not sure anyone else has said this, but also think about how much you expect the DC to do in terms of helping out. If your youngest DC is in Reception, you don't have very small children who need lots of hands on help, so things like "getting the DC ready in the morning" and "having them at weekends" really shouldn't be such a chore. Have you fallen into the habit of doing lots of things for or with them when there are things they can do themselves and/or amuse themselves independently, for example?

Original poster
PrincessPotsie · 10/10/2017 13:05

Great point RedSky. I need to give them more responsibility which will definitely help.

OP posts:
Toadinthehole · 11/10/2017 00:23

A few years ago I was the sole earner. Our kids were school age. I was doing at least as much housework as DW and had no time for myself. DW spent most of her time and energy on competitive sport, and absolutely refused to come to a compromise.

Her claims that I had anger management issues and needed counselling were some of the most aggravating things I've ever heard. Yes, I lost my temper. Coming home exhausted to a kitchen to cook dinner for a person with that much spare time is when you have precisely none yourself does that.

DW wised up in the end, but only after I walked out. Don't let things get to that point.

The reality is that you have more time than your DH and you should be thinking about how to take the burden off him. He's asleep because he's tired, goddamit, not because he's lazy, and the very first step has to be you accepting that.

lunar1 · 11/10/2017 00:40

Maybe your husband would like three days a week to relax as well?

Original poster
PrincessPotsie · 11/10/2017 06:29

Toadinthehole that sounds really stressful. I do all housework, shopping, cooking, laundry etc while DH's home responsibility is mowing the lawns and he occasionally sorts the dishwasher. This was always the case when I had a stressful full time job before the DC. I do think you've probably hit the nail on the head though that I need to accept he's tired, not lazy.

Oh and I'm not relaxing three days a week. I'm just attempting to do some relaxing on those days so if I am busy all weekend I feel
like I've had a bit of 'me time'.

OP posts:
Oblomov17 · 11/10/2017 07:20

Goodness. I think YABU and you don’t not seem to have taken on board most of the good suggestions.

But, you now admit you are highly strung/can’t relax and have resentment. So maybe those are the real issues that you can work on.

Belleoftheball8 · 11/10/2017 07:35

I think YABU your dh works so it enables you to work part time a total of two days of which you have three days to yourself as your children are school aged. So you do have down time to yourself it's up to you what you do with it. I speak as a sahm with an 18months old and a 4year old and a 9 year old. I still managed to get some down time so it's not at all impossible it should be easy for you especially if you don't even have dc to see to during the day. Your dh is still taking part in the dc activities he just wants a couple of hours in the afternoon as he's at work all week.. my DH wakes his football in the back room because that's his down time afterworking hard all week. You could work full time share the chores and childcare to make it equal

Looksprettybad · 11/10/2017 08:05

I don't know why everyone is being so hard on OP. Usually we say equal free time, but apart from a few days a week having 5 hours to do everything at home and fit in some me time, op is doing a 7 day week 'on duty'. When mine were that age and doing clubs, it was really hard and i worked just 3 days. Combine that with needing to give DH 48 hours to rest at the weekend (he's the only tired one?!) and put up with being shouted/snapped at along with the children, i can see there needs to be a resolution and they both need to take a role in finding that.

guilty100 · 11/10/2017 08:07

The reactionary attitude on here is absolutely incredible. This is not the 1950s. We should not be making excuses for poor male behaviour on the grounds of tiredness and work. There are loads of guys who work very long hours and don't act like pigs at home. He needs to get his shit together and sort out his anger problem. If that means taking a hit on the number of hours he works, and rebalancing the family finances accordingly, so be it. It will also, however, involve him doing some fucking introspective thinking about his behaviour.

Belleoftheball8 · 11/10/2017 08:30

No it's not the 1950s guilty but op has plenty of opportunity for time on her own with dc as they are at school that her dh doesn't have as he limited at the weekend. I could understand if he completely shut himself away all weekend but this isn't the case is it? As I said previously there is nothing stopping op from increasing her working hours and sharing childcare and chores to make things more balanced.