Exhausted husband with nothing left to give at the weekend.

[PrincessPotsie]

My DH has his own company and works really hard. He has had a particularly busy week travelling around the country and is very stressed about his current projects.

We have 3DC and our youngest has just started in Reception. I have been a sahm for the last four years and have just started to work two days a week.

I get so frustrated at the weekends when my DH is 'absent' while at home. He has nothing left to give to me and the DC as he's used all his energy and enthusiasm at work. Things have been particularly stressful this weekend and I've felt like I've been treading on eggshells and trying to stop him losing his temper with the kids.

I have barely sat down all weekend and he's been out to swimming lessons and rugby with the DC but then slept on the sofa all Saturday afternoon and again this afternoon. He has hardly spoken to me.

This is not how I imagine weekends to be.

How do you cope with this without getting pissed off and resentful??

Thank god for sandycarrots. Thought I had been transported back to the 1950s there.

Running a house and dealing with kids is hard graft. But all hail the godlike man?

Meant to add, what I learnt to do was lower my expectations about weekends, organise stuff that doesn't always include dh, take Tuesday afternoons for myself (which is a lot more than most working mothers get), and try to make sure dh and I go out by ourselves once a month (slipped a bit on that one!)

If your dh is travelling all week, you may find the last thing he wants to do is go out at weekends. However staying at home is not relaxing either with demands of DC etc, so it might be good to give him some guaranteed time alone when the house is quiet. Op will feel less resentful about this if she has had her quality time during the week. So it's important to build in a bit of quality time for each parent, and then some quality time when you are all together.

Good luck op

It's not about all hail the godlike man. It's about a family working together to make sure all needs are met.

Working ft vs working pt and doing the childcare and school runs and all the shit that goes with it are both hard. The difference is that the OP has 3 x 6 hour slots she can pick from to unwind. That is time she manages. So say she does all the housework, cooking, cleaning, life admin, and looks after the odd sick child.

Housework and so on shouldn't take 18 hours a week in 3 6 hour sessions. I used to work 3 full days, 1 day while dd was at school doing housework and food shopping. The other day to do what I wanted.

If her dp is telling her he is stressed and exhausted she needs to listen. They need to carve out time in the week for both of them to have time to themselves whether that is time out of the house alone or time sat watching reruns of top gear.

If you can afford it, get a cleaner. Then arrange that he gets Saturday morning off to relax and you get another time off. Also arrange a few date nights and get a babysitter. If you say he's back to his usual great self during the holidays then he just needs a break. Just like you, so take it in turns but also make sure you eke out some couple time.

Op if he's falling asleep all afternoon at the weekends he must just be knackered and need the rest - can't you just do something else for that time? If he's having a stressful time at work he will need to be able to switch off at some point or he'll end up feeling shit. You said he had a particularly busy week, so presumably it's not always this bad?

In the nicest possible way, you can't have it both ways - his business probably means you can afford to have been a sahm and now only work two days a week. So him cutting down his hours/stress at work would probably mean you having to work more hours to compensate. But if that woud work for you, then maybe that's something to consider?

Also you say you've barely sat down all weekend, but why not? Why not have a couple of hours relaxing whilst he's out taking the DC to their clubs/activities? No house / family needs a 24 hour a day slave - a bit of dust or a few unironed clothes aren't going to kill anybody.

You sound like you're both doing plenty so don't get into the misery that is competitive tiredness. Give yourself a break, and let your DH have a break too

My OH works really long hours in the week and barely sees our DD Monday - Friday. I'm a SAHM. What we do at weekends is take it in turns to have a rest - he has Saturday mornings to have a lie in as late as he wants (it's never all morning, only until about 9:30ish but this is a great lie in considering we're all normally up and about by 6am) and I have Sunday. If it's been a particularly mad week we'll even go and sleep in the spare room on our 'night off' so we're completely undisturbed for a whole night and morning. That way we both catch up on our sleep and are refreshed ready for the rest of the weekend.

We also make sure we both have some time for some sort of activity on our own. OH plays football for a couple of hours on a Saturday afternoon, I go to the gym for a few hours in the week while retired MIL looks after DD. Sundays are always family time, even if we are only chilling at home or going down to the park.

You both need and deserve a break and your own time and it's tough fitting that in as well as family time too. You really need to work together to achieve it.

I know exactly where you are coming from. I had this myself for years, and eventually my husband became very ill and had to have time off. He was absolutely worn to a frazzle. it's a no win situation for everyone and the only solution is for him to either find another job or find a way to make his work life less stressful. It's an absolute killer...and i mean that literally. It destroys family life and is hell for the person who is trying to juggle an intolerable workload with family life. We are one of the worst countries in the world for long, punishing working hours and a low emphasis on family life. I know how awful it is to be the one at home, waiting to catch what little time and energy your other half has. It's horrible and demoralising.

Your poor DH. Might be worth bearing in mind that if he is put in a position where he overdoes it to the extent he gets ill, you'll still have to bring up the kids. And bring in the money too. All by yourself.

Don't go for competitive busyness as a means to push at him even further. He needs a break - away from the children, away from other people demanding things - a proper break, every week.

"But all hail the godlike man?"

Well no MorrisZapp but the OP is presenting a very one sided view.

No concern about her partners health for working all those hours? There is a difference between a man working 9-5 M-F with a 30 min commute demanding his dinner on the table when he gets home and what this man is doing. Hell, she is even complaining he took did the Sat morning routine which made him unavailable to her.

No concern for her partners lack of time to bond with his kids - all compressed into a knackered Saturday morning.

No questions about how to help him minimise his stress and decompress. No questions about how to suggest or look at taking on additional staff to reduce the load. No questions about even doing something like trying to work for him in some capacity to share the burden.

No. This was not about a godlike man. This was an OP pissed off and wanting more of him that even she knows he can give. She even said it. Nothing left to give and she is pissed off and resentful at this. Not wanting to help, just annoyed at it.

Interestingly there is another thread running at the moment, where the OP is looking after 2 small DC and all household jobs during the week (while her DH works full time with a long commute). The thread is full of comments that of course she deserves a break at the weekend.

On this thread, the DH works hard all week, but apparently doesn't deserve a break at the weekend.

The point is, is that both partners are working very hard and it is very full on. There is no easy solution. The op is finding things tough going atm (as is her dh). Both deserve some support.

Interestingly there is another thread running at the moment, where the OP is looking after 2 small DC and all household jobs during the week (while her DH works full time with a long commute). The thread is full of comments that of course she deserves a break at the weekend.

I believe in that thread the children are younger. All the OP's children are now at school. That at least provides some opportunity for downtime, so is a different situation.

And from my own experience, it is very draining when your dp/dh has no energy left for family, and work, work, work always takes priority.

My dh runs his own business and it is relentless. When he is here , he finishes work at 7pm, comes home for dinner and then the calls from the US start. We barely have time to have a proper conversation during the week.

It puts huge pressure on the entire family. In my own case I can rarely plan, I can rarely depend on his presence at family events, I can't even plan my own things because if he is called away at the last minute there is no one to cover. And he is someone who does fairly well under huge stress, does the absolute maximum he can to help out when he is at home, but he is permanently exhausted nonetheless.

It's tough for both the op and her dh currently. I know for many single parents it is even harder, but looking after three dc virtually single-handed is tough going too. And remember that the dh couldn't do his job to the level he is know and travel constantly without her keeping the home fires burning.

now not know!

I have a very full on job and am up at 450am during the week. By the weekend I am totally fried. The only way I can recharge is to go to bed super early on Saturday and Sunday nights (like 9pm). Is that an option for him? It makes a real difference to my energy levels.

Single parent here. Two dcs. Demanding full time job. There is no time to recharge. Literally no me time.

I get that the dh is exhausted but he doesn't get to check out. He needs to work out how to rebalance the weeks or find a way to engage somehow. Otherwise his marriage will drift away from him.

No practical advice other than to say I think there are times in your life when there's not much time for you and this is one of those times.

And yes very early nights here too.

At one point in my life I was a single parent for several years AND working nights in a physically and mentally demanding job.....

At another point, a full time carer for a elderly and disabled relative AND still had my full time night job.....

While I was working nights, I arranged and paid for sitters, and then did the caring myself during the day.......

I've been there.......

Op, why don't you arrange full time child care, and go out and get a full time, physically and mentally demanding, but well paid job, and take some of the strain of your poor, overworked, exhausted, unappreciated husband !?

Or better still, give HIM the opportunity to be a SAHD..... Secretly, it may his greatest wish.....

Then you both can experience the perspective from the other's side......

Of = off

I believe in that thread the children are younger. All the OP's children are now at school. That at least provides some opportunity for downtime, so is a different situation.

I was talking about downtime for the DH who was working all week!

@RedSkyAtNight sorry my mistake!

I'm sort of in your DH's position - demanding full time job with a lot of responsibility/stress, including some overnight travel - longish hours (standard is leave house at 0700 and back 1930, but can often be later/overnight). It's not particularly physical though.

My DP is sort of in yours - kids all in school and does not do paid work (we have a cleaner too). We've never managed to solve the w/end issue completely - I want to be with my kids but I also need some time to be on my own/do my own thing. For a year now, we have had a babysitter for around 3 hours on a Saturday morning. That way, I always know I have that time (to go to gym/shopping/meet a friend). My DH does some sport then too. It has made a big difference to my weekends and is completely worth the money. I come home at lunchtime really refreshed and DH and I parent together the rest of the w/end more or less.

In my heart, I feel that DH should do that morning (as he has time off in the week), but in practice it doesn't work. This way it's a fixed time, that I have independently of him, which I can plan around without having to negotiate.

We don't really use any other childcare, and the kids get a better me for the rest of the w/end as a result. Maybe something you and your DH could try? (Occasionally, we use it to go out for brunch together ;-)

Bloody hell sundaysurfer can I be your DP?

Where is your DH's downtime? From what I can see, he works full-time, often away during the week, and chips in at weekends doing swimming lessons and taking DC to rugby. I don't blame him for having a nap on the sofa - he must be exhausted!

You have three days in the week where you don't work, and your DC are at school. If you're knackered, then you need to use that time as your down-time. I appreciate you have housework, food shopping etc. to do but that doesn't take 18 hours (9-3, three days a week).

I sympathise that you're knackered and want some family time, but I think you need to give him some time to relax and unwind from the working week. Can you not leave him to sleep on Saturday morning, and take the DC to swimming/rugby yourself? By lunchtime, he'll have caught up on some sleep and had some time alone, and he might be more keen to go out and do something once he has that bit of energy. You can then sleep in on Sundays while he takes over with the children.

I'm in the shoes of your OH, with a DH who too gets frustrated with me that I am always shattered and what he refers as 'miserable'. I'm sure it is frustrating for him, but I can assure you that being in a situation when you are fighting exhaustion and stress to the point of wondering how you'll cope the following week is just utter hell and what makes it much worse is a partner who instead of showing some sympathy, tell you -directly or indirectly- this:
He needs to learn to manage his stress, for himself as much as for you.
I'm sure that like me, your OH is managing his stress to the extent to which he does, however, there are some positions that don't come with much grey, you either have to give 150% or you get nothing at all.

When things get really bad, I fantasize giving it all up and too bad about the income, the pension and the luxuries, but then my OP is suddenly not so keen on my 'managing my stress'.

My advice is to listen, really listen to your OH and either give him moral support and understanding, or agree together than he gives up his job and do something else and you accept the compromises that come with it. Don't look at it from your own selfish perspective only, because I expect like most people in his circumstances, he is already giving everything he can. Unfortunately, it's very hard for people who have time for themselves to understand what it's like to have none at all. Give him a break and be grateful to only be working 2 days a week, it's a massive luxury.