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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

As you wish...

100 replies

Inexperiencedchick · 07/10/2017 20:19

Met someone online. Spoke on the phone, sounded nice and normal.
But questions he asked while talking on the phone:

you are almost 40, are you sure you can get pregnant now?

My answer: I never thought about that, probably I should have a consultation with GP. Him: I can come with you 😳🤢

Agreed to meet up next day.
Next day, daytime messages:

Did you speak to your GP?
When is your next ovulation period😲

My reply was: "will see you at 6:30pm as agreed"

After those messages I had no desire to dress up and look forward for this date. Went in jeans, old cardigan, no make up...
His expression after seeing me: "I thought it would be "Wow!""
Conversation over a coffee:

You don't look 39, you have no wrinkles under your eyes 🙈
If you to visit your family I will come with you.
How many kids do you want?

After a normal chat I went home. Normal texts next day, then offer to meet up on Sunday. So called him Friday evening for a short chat and said few things about myself (did say I would like to be honest with him)...He then says "Can you move to mine over this weekend?"
I was like: "What?" ; "Can we talk later?"
Him: "Will you move to mine this weekend?"
Me: "Don't think so..."
Him: "As you wish" and finished the call.

I have no idea what to say to myself... 😳 Lost completely.
For me it's not normal to move in with someone I know 5 minutes.
He said few times "I like you!"

OP posts:

abigailgabble · 08/10/2017 16:15

The weirdest thing is that you followed through on even one date

Annelind · 08/10/2017 16:23

Inex don't give this weird and entitled man another thought. Set your boundaries out. You may be Asian of origin, but you know women have equal status here in the UK by law. You do not have to worry about, or pander to ANY man. Especially not a stranger!

Schmoopy · 08/10/2017 20:04

userxx I grew up being indoctrinated into the "grateful for any attention" from a man. I was in my 30s before I really 'got' that I was allowed to say "no" to a man whether it was to a date or, more worryingly, sex.

My mother told me that all women have sex with both men they don't want to, and when they don't want to, on occasion; it's just part of life.

When I was first hit by a boyfriend, at 17/18, she told me that I ought to mind my behaviour and I was lucky that he only hit me. The next time he might dump me.

When I finally married (a man I didn't love and who I knew didn't love me), her attitude was that I shouldn't ever rock the boat because I was "lucky" that he was "prepared to take [me] on".

stayanotherday · 08/10/2017 20:07

I'm so sorry schmoopy.

InkyToesies · 08/10/2017 20:15

Hello, I'm a newbie here. May I ask what OLD means?

Thank you.

Schmoopy · 08/10/2017 20:22

Thanks, stay, was a check to myself as much as anything because it's easy to get frustrated at situations like chick has described, but I think the narrative of our whole society supports this set up.

It's easy to say she was a fool to meet him (I did myself) but it can be very hard to remember that you're allowed to say "no" if you've been brought up to overlook the things they say that you don't like because you shouldn't say no.

chick the advice to run this by a friend is a good one. Just until your instincts are more finely tuned and you are confident in them

VioletCharlotte · 08/10/2017 20:26

Why on earth would you meet up with someone who was asking you about getting pregnant the first time you spoke?

Original poster

Inexperiencedchick · 08/10/2017 21:20

Schmoopy I'm very sorry for all you have been through 💐

My mum always said: "If you get married remember there is no way coming back to parents house, even if your husband is prepared to kill you. Your house is where your husband lives. Don't you dare to think of leaving, because no one will have your back."
Only when I came to MN I realised that I do have a choice and I'm also allowed to say "no" Mum doesn't say these things anymore as I told her I better leave a man if mistreated than suffering. I have exactly the same, one life as any man would have. It's difficult for her, as she has been brought up the same way as she taught me...

OP posts:

Original poster

Inexperiencedchick · 08/10/2017 21:26

And yes I still feel the need to prove myself to any man if they doubt in my qualities and abilities. I guess that's why I replied to this one that I have to consult with my GP whether I have a chance of getting pregnant. Such a foolish girl!!! 🤢🙈

OP posts:

Schmoopy · 08/10/2017 21:31

Inky OnLine Dating

Pebbles1989 · 08/10/2017 21:34

I say this out of concern for you, that you could do with a significant break from dating and some counselling. I worry that you are ignoring red flags (not just red but blazing crimson flags) and meeting up with men who are not only wildly inappropriate but possibly even dangerous. If a man even said one of those things to me I would block and delete him. Hell, it wouldn't even take that much. I wouldn't consider that I owed him an explanation, either. Please take care of yourself.

userxx · 08/10/2017 21:57

Schmoopy - I'm so sorry you had a mother who did that to you. It's unimaginable. Really glad you got to the point of realisation that men are our equals. Not some special breed that you have to pander to and please.

Flopjustwantscoffee · 08/10/2017 22:03

But you did know deep down he was a wrong one because you said you no longer had any desire to go on the date, but went anyway... So maybe you need to practice listening to your inner voice more (The book The gift of ear is good for this). You also say maybe in his culture it's more normal... I suspect, although I may be wrong, that actually he was testing you quite a lot with those questions. It's about like email scams where they deliberately include obvious spelling/grammatical mistakes in the email in order to filter out the most vulnerable from the start. I think that's also the reason for the "expectation" that you would go back to his. It isn't so much that he's used to women doing that, he's testing your boundaries at every opportunity. Unfortunately blind dating gives men like that a very wide field, so it doesn't matter if 99 out of 100 women write them of as a creep, just like it doesn't matter to scammers if 999 out of 1000 people dump their emails in the junk folder.

Flopjustwantscoffee · 08/10/2017 22:04

And by the way, at least you did decide to cut all contact after the first date. There will be more vulnerable women who get sucked in/swept along and that is who he is hoping to find.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 08/10/2017 23:04

He genuinely seemed normal
If you really believe that, you shouldn't be allowed out on your own.

InkyToesies · 09/10/2017 07:57

Thank you Schmoopy.

TheNaze73 · 09/10/2017 08:01

He sounds batshit. Why the hell did you meet him???

PetitFilous123 · 09/10/2017 09:29

so apart from all his completely weird questions he seemed normal...OP...you need to reconsider your life.

AlternativeTentacle · 09/10/2017 09:34

OP the whole point of dating and the preamble is to observe and listen and block as soon as questions arise. You should never meet up with anyone where there is a 'nice guy but'.

you are almost 40, are you sure you can get pregnant now?

At this point you should have put the phone down and blocked. End of.

Original poster

Inexperiencedchick · 09/10/2017 09:49

Alternative that was the moment I found it strange...
But I usually question myself first and the ability of me being able to deliver...
It's my issue that I don't question others motives straight away...

OP posts:

Waytroze · 09/10/2017 10:04

Is his name 4 letters long, very unusual for the UK and start with a T?

I've had the unfortunate experience of meeting a man just like this.

Zaphodsotherhead · 09/10/2017 10:13

He may not have been dangerous, just extremely socially unaware - maybe he is the other side of OP's coin, he's been told at every opportunity that men have to father sons to be real men, that they HAVE to marry to be considered adults, etc etc. Maybe he has a mother or father badgering him to marry, whether he wants to or not. Maybe he has some problems that mean he doesn't meet many people to actually talk to and he thinks this is how it's done.

Grasping at straws a bit really, he sounds complete unselfaware and creepy actually, but trying to see a mindset where a man would think those kinds of questions were acceptable.

Original poster

Inexperiencedchick · 09/10/2017 10:29

Waytroze he is not...

Zaphod his mother I think...
what he said was: "its selfish to have a child past 40, as parents are old to look after them..."

OP posts:

Zaphodsotherhead · 09/10/2017 10:51

Figures. Mummy is giving him instructions, which he was relaying to you. I bet it wasn't even HIM asking about your fertility, it was her...
which is some ways is worse, he isn't even his own person! A relationship with him would be a relationship with his mother's opinions.

And I'll tell all my friends who became parents over 40 that they can't look after their children because they are too old (I think they may have Opinions on that). More like Mummy feels she will be too old to be able to interfere properly...

SilverySurfer · 09/10/2017 13:27

Effectively he's looking for a baby making machine which thankfully won't be you, OP. In your shoes I think I would give OLD a break and work on building up your spidey senses and ability to recognise huge red flags.

Better luck with the next one

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