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Original poster

As you wish...

100 replies

Inexperiencedchick · 07/10/2017 20:19

Met someone online. Spoke on the phone, sounded nice and normal.
But questions he asked while talking on the phone:

  • you are almost 40, are you sure you can get pregnant now?
My answer: I never thought about that, probably I should have a consultation with GP. Him: I can come with you 😳🤢

Agreed to meet up next day.
Next day, daytime messages:

  • Did you speak to your GP?
  • When is your next ovulation period😲
My reply was: "will see you at 6:30pm as agreed"

After those messages I had no desire to dress up and look forward for this date. Went in jeans, old cardigan, no make up...
His expression after seeing me: "I thought it would be "Wow!""
Conversation over a coffee:

  • You don't look 39, you have no wrinkles under your eyes 🙈
  • If you to visit your family I will come with you.
  • How many kids do you want?

After a normal chat I went home. Normal texts next day, then offer to meet up on Sunday. So called him Friday evening for a short chat and said few things about myself (did say I would like to be honest with him)...He then says "Can you move to mine over this weekend?"
I was like: "What?" ; "Can we talk later?"
Him: "Will you move to mine this weekend?"
Me: "Don't think so..."
Him: "As you wish" and finished the call.

I have no idea what to say to myself... 😳 Lost completely.
For me it's not normal to move in with someone I know 5 minutes.
He said few times "I like you!"

OP posts:
Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 08/10/2017 08:38

OP if you genuinely thought he was normal I don't think you should be dating until you've worked on your boundary issues.

Seriously I'm concerned for your safety. He comes across as at best a man who is so desperate for children he doesn't care about his partner at all and views them as an incubator.

Excellentidea · 08/10/2017 08:49

There are men who look to impregnate women for very dark reasons. I am shocked that you weren't running for the hills at the first mention of babies from a practical stranger. You really need to be careful. Don't settle for just anyone interested in a date.

Original poster
Inexperiencedchick · 08/10/2017 08:50

Thank you Youcanttake

He came across as desperate too. What he said was "I'm getting older and would like to have kids asap"
He obviously looking for someone younger, as he found my age old enough and risky. And to be honest I was trying to make my exit on last phone conversation and that's why he said: "As you wish..."
I dont go easily in to someone's place, I date people in public, daytime...
And OLD actually teached me a lot about boundaries and how to deal with people. Obviously I still have to learn to be assertive.

OP posts:
BenLui · 08/10/2017 09:05

Chick I’m sorry you feel attacked. I’m sure that none of us are “having a go”, we’re just concerned for you.

If you have a nice sensible friend in RL, it might be worth discussing your online interactions with them as a kind of double check before meeting someone.

It might help to have someone as an independent sense checker.

Best wishes Flowers

Original poster
Inexperiencedchick · 08/10/2017 09:14

Thank you BenLui

One of the women I know said to block him straight away. But it was after a date when I explained who I met up with and what kind of things he was saying.
It's good to have people around who can check up on you.

💐

OP posts:
exWifebeginsat40 · 08/10/2017 09:18

this definitely happened.

Annelind · 08/10/2017 09:23

Inex have you perused the dating thread here? Much experience and advice to be had. Maybe join in?

Winterbeaches · 08/10/2017 09:31

He sounds absolutely barking.

Get a good friend to vet your OLD chats before you agree to a date in future

Aminuts23 · 08/10/2017 09:31

I agree with other OP. You put yourself in a very unsafe situation meeting him. Please be more careful. This man was not normal in any way

AnnieAnoniMouse · 08/10/2017 09:45

If you are for real, & I really hope not actually, you need to STOP meeting up with men until you sort yourself out.

I'm FAR less cautious than a lot of MNers when it comes to meeting people you've 'met' online, I've met people in odd places & their homes which most of MN would have kittens over...so if I'm telling you that you were really stupid to have met up with this man AT ALL then what you did was clearly not a good idea.

You keep saying he seemed normal. It is NOT normal to ask ANY of those questions of someone you've not met, then someone you've met once. It's really fucking weird & creepy. Completely inappropriate.

He needs help or locking up.

Your definition of 'normal' is screwed. What the hell would he have needed to do seem 'not normal' to you? Started barking?

As I say, I hope you're just a goady fucker, but if you are for real then you need help. Serious help

Angelf1sh · 08/10/2017 10:16

If this happened then you have a lot to learn about the meaning of "normal". You also need to learn that if you change your mind about going on a date, you don't have to go. You can just cancel, you don't have to go and dress in a way that you hope will make you unattractive to him so that he rejects you. You have agency and can make your own decisions. Next time something this weird happens again DO NOT BLOODY JUST MEET HIM ANYWAY!!! Whether or not you can or want to conceive is no business of a man you've never even met. Why you continued to talk to him after the first weird call and then a weird date (why does he want to meet your family ffs?) is frankly beyond me, but if he ever contacts you again my advice is don't reply.

SendintheArdwolves · 08/10/2017 10:16

If you are for real (and even if you're not, I think there's still a value in discussing this - lots of people lurk on these boards and its really helpful for an individual who might be struggling with the same stuff/have had a similar experience, etc to see how other people react to it) then I'm glad you recognise that you need to work on your boundaries.

Something that jumped out at me was that you seem disproportionately concerned about his feelings - you wanted to let him down "gently" you were "trying" to get off the phone, you dressed down to passively communicate your discomfort, but didn't say or do anything active, etc. You felt uncomfortable and just hoped that he would notice and change his behaviour, rather than taking any action yourself. Now you're worrying that he might have been being perfectly normal, and you have somehow over reacted or been massively unfair to him.

You are yet another victim of the "women have to be nice to men at all costs and in all situations" rule in our society. When OLD, there is nothing wrong with calling off the interaction at any point or for any reason. You do not owe your potential dates anything - you don't owe them a chance, a second chance, an explanation, a date, sex, or even a response.

userxx · 08/10/2017 10:35

Sendin - brilliant post. The more I read and hear about old, the more it frightens me. There are a lot of women (and men to) who should avoid as their boundaries are skewed. It can be a breeding ground for disaster.

Annelind · 08/10/2017 10:41

Send as has been mentioned a lot on these threads - some men prove difficult when being rejected, up to and including stalking, violence etc: and women often take the 'softly softly' approach to disentanglement, and it can cloud and blur our judgement. Plus we are ingrained to be 'grateful' for any attention from a man.

I speak as a 62 year old female who is sad to note these attitudes still prevail despite feminism, equality etc; being so strong now.

"Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them"
Margaret Atwood.

This, and watered down versions of it are the reason for the utter cuntery so many women put up with - as evidenced on threads here. Luckily MN posters point the right direction, as they are doing on this thread.

Original poster
Inexperiencedchick · 08/10/2017 11:50

Send I have been brought up in Asian culture with the mentality "a woman comes second." I learnt a lot here in U.K.
And yes I do feel very bad if I say openly "No" to a man if I think he is not the one for me.
This country and society changed me a lot. And a first step for a change was MN.

OP posts:
Colinfarrellsarse · 08/10/2017 11:59

Op was the man also from your culture? That might explain it !

SendintheArdwolves · 08/10/2017 12:06

Op was the man also from your culture? That might explain it !

I don't know many cultures that would think it was fine for a man to ask "when was your last ovulation period?" or if a woman would move into his house after one date. He also either didn't pick up on the OP's discomfort, or did, but didn't care.

I don't think this is a cultural issue, so much as an "insensitive weirdo" issue.

userxx · 08/10/2017 12:11

Anne - I'm not grateful for any attention from a man - I'd like to think the majority of women aren't. That's a ridiculous statement.

Original poster
Inexperiencedchick · 08/10/2017 12:17

He is originally from Middle East, but grew up in France from 12 years old. He is Catholic, I'm Muslim. Genuinely nor me or my family mind religion and it won't be a problem. He said he is attracted to the fact I'm different and have that sense of culture he grew up in. I'm Asian, not from Middle East but there are always similarities. That I'm quiet, dont come very upfront, which is fine with me. I got scared that he wasn't interested in me as a person but in the fact if I would be able to get pregnant or not...

OP posts:
userxx · 08/10/2017 12:19

Why are you giving him head space? He's a complete freak and doesn't deserve a second thought.

Annelind · 08/10/2017 12:20

user sadly this 'grateful' mindset still prevails across the generations with many (obviously not all ) women.

MrsA2015 · 08/10/2017 12:32

Why is this even an issue anymore? He's a nut job freak with the backwards traits of his original culture. Stay well away and never meet up with a person who firsts asks you about your pregnancy capabilities!

Annelind · 08/10/2017 12:40

So he's looking for an incubator, not a partner!

Original poster
Inexperiencedchick · 08/10/2017 14:51

What worries me most was him texting me before the date saying we will meet up for a coffee and then go to his to cook a dinner.
When I said: " I will go home"
he replied: "why?"
And my answer simply was: "because I don't know you..."
So he probably got used to idea (maybe in his world it's normal) that women will go straight to his place or vice versa?

OP posts:
Original poster
Inexperiencedchick · 08/10/2017 14:52

worried instead of worries

OP posts: