Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Bachelor party in Amsterdam.

59 replies

clifje02 · 07/10/2017 08:52

So, my boyfriend of four and half years (best man) with groom and a bunch of his friends got back from a 5 day trip to Amsterdam for bachelor party. I’m still trying to rack my brains around it, that why did they had to go to another country for a party.

Now I love my boyfriend. Not that he’s ever cheated, but he just doesn’t understand that this trip and him organising the whole trip and whatever else that went on there made me so uncomfortable and I tried to talk to him about my worries. He just laughed at me and said that I was being silly.

Before leaving we got into a bit of an argument about him doing the whole preparations and he said that a bodacious bachelor party is needed for a complete wedding experience and I didn’t know how to respond to that and that was it. I tried to get him to tell me about the details but he wouldn’t tell me anything and just said, you’re getting in my way and I don’t appreicate it.

I tried to be as supportive as I could on the surface but he didn’t even said anything to make sure that it will be alright. I think that he knew what I was thinking and said if you don’t trust me after all this time then that’s not my problem is it? If you think that I’m gonna cheat, don’t you wonder why I would wait 4 and half years to do that? If you’re not happy then maybe we’re not compatible.

The ball’s in your court. You need to trust me just don’t bother me while i’m on this trip and don’t relentlessly call to check in and keep your advice to yourself and don’t give me the list of rules you may or maynot have about this, okay?

So, that was it. After they came back I asked him what happend and he said it’s probably not as bad as you think. Lots of my friends have slept with more women than they can count, and this doesn’t make them monster who would disrespect their relationship. But, he still seemed a bit distant and I have absolutely no idea what’s going on in his mind.

Even after 3 days , he still isn’t sharing much and I’m really worried about whether this is it for our relationship. I know we’ve had our argument about this party but I didn’t think it would become such an issue where I’d have to worry about whether he might break up with me.

OP posts:
JustMumNowNotMe · 07/10/2017 08:57

What specifically are you worried about? If my DH questioned me extensively about a holiday with my friends it wod massively piss me off. At the moment OP you sound quite uptight and controlling.

cresit · 07/10/2017 08:58

Well that's you told, get back in your box and behave yourself OP.

DancesWithOtters · 07/10/2017 08:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jeaux90 · 07/10/2017 09:00

You sound insecure and a bit controlling but he sounds like he didn't exactly reassure you.

People are allowed to go off on trips with their friends, you don't grow in each other's shadows. But if you don't trust him then you need to work out whether this is your issue or his.

Life is too short to be with someone you don't trust, and in a healthy relationship you should be able to wave each other off with no worries and wanting them to have fun.

This doesn't sound like that kind of relationship.

TokenGinger · 07/10/2017 09:03

Agree with Just.

You are massively insecure and you’ve, in no uncertain terms, told your DP you do not trust him and reincorced this message many times.

If I was treated like that, I’d be telling DP to FRO and I’d probably be considering whether I want to be in a relationship with that person anymore.

Unless he’s given you reason to distrust him in the past, which doesn’t seem to be the case, then YABU.

TheNaze73 · 07/10/2017 09:06

You need to take a step back & maybe flip this? If he was harassing you for details, you’d tell him to FRO like token said.

Teddy7878 · 07/10/2017 09:08

I agree with the OP.
Some people aren't comfortable with things like strip clubs or sex shows and he obviously would have been at things like that if he was on a stag in Amsterdam.
I think her OH should have reassured her a bit more

Ellisandra · 07/10/2017 09:13

Weird that you "don't understand" why they had to go to another country Hmm
Because they wanted to? Because people think it's more special to do so?

But, for those saying OP is controlling, come on - this is Amsterdam. Amsterdam + stag do = reasonable assumption of red light District.

Her boyfriend was the organiser and refused to tell her what he had planned, and now afterwards won't tell her where he went.

If I asked my boyfriend, he wouldn't see it as controlling, it would just be a normal chit chat about our lives. He'd say "we're going to the Reijksmuseum on day 1" and I'd say "cool - are you doing a boat trip too, or the Avocado café?"

I'd be bloody unimpressed if my boyfriend went to Amsterdam and refused to tell me what the plans were.

operaha · 07/10/2017 09:25

I also don't get why you don't understand the need for the party - its blatant.

But 5 days is excessive and I may be alone in this I spent 2 days in Amsterdam and was bored af.
It just didn't do it for me. I'm not in to drugs or prostitutes so maybe I'd enjoy it more if I was. That said I had a great pint in a bar that overlooked a "window".
Me thinks I've gone off the point.

You're massively not trusting him for not much reason unless you have cause to. Which makes me suspect you have.

Teddy7878 · 07/10/2017 09:29

Why would she trust him though when he won't tell her anything that they got up to?! If he did nothing wrong and has nothing to hide then he'd just tell her what they did. Surely it's not a big deal? Maybe she wouldn't be so suspicious and questioning of him if he would be more open. He doesn't need to tell her the gory details but I would expect my OH to be like "on the Saturday night we went to a strip club, the Sunday night we did a bar crawl and the mon night we went to a burlesque show"

6demandingchildren · 07/10/2017 09:35

I have been to Amsterdam many times and it's so funny watching the stag groups in the red light district, they just giggle and all pretend that they would but they are generally to pissed or stoned.
But the atmosphere is great there, I can understand you bring insecure about it but he has not helped that by not telling you and being compassionate about your feelings. Maybe ask him to take you over there as it's also a great place for couples.

Ellisandra · 07/10/2017 09:39

Ask him to take her there?
How about she invites him to go with her? Hmm

He refused to tell her anything about the trip when he was planning it.
How is that a nice person? I wouldn't be going on a romantic weekend break with a man who didn't give a shit about my feelings.

AlexanderHamilton · 07/10/2017 09:42

Your use of the term bachelor party gives me the impression you are not British as we don't use that tearm here. It's more of an American term.

Whilst I don't agree with long expensive trips stag & hen parties (that's what we tend to call them) are often held abroad. Everyone tends to get very drunk/stoned & there may or may not be a stripper involved. (I don't like strippers myself and neither does my husband but it's what some people think is fun)

Attending any of these things doesn't mean he was unfaithful.

DancesWithOtters · 07/10/2017 09:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mumanddadtoone · 07/10/2017 09:45

Is this a pattern in your relationship? I mean him keeping things from you. If so, then I think I'd feel similar to you. If not, it might come across as needy and controlling.

Teddy7878 · 07/10/2017 09:46

If the OP's OH just went cycling and to nice restaurants and bars I'm sure he wouldn't have had any issue telling OP what they got up to.
The fact he is being shady about it and won't divulge even the slightest bit of information other than "it wasn't as bad as you think" makes me think things like strip clubs were 100% involved. A lot of women wouldn't give two hoots about their partners going to places like that, but it would be a deal breaker for me if my OH paid for a private dance and didn't tell me. Guess OP will never know what went on as sounds like her OH is going to flat out refuse to be open about it

Smeaton · 07/10/2017 09:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ememem84 · 07/10/2017 09:51

Dh went to amserdam for a stag do earlier this year. I haven’t asked any questions. I didn’t want to know. I’ve seen pictures. And have been told a few snippets from his friends. They did as a pp said above. Got drunk/stoned then toddled off into the red light district. The majority of them were too stoned pissed to do anything other than giggle. Dh said he was flashed by a beautiful lady in a window but she wasn’t a complete woman...as she had a penis and “the biggest boobs he’d ever seen - bigger than yours...!” thanks dh

AnyFucker · 07/10/2017 09:52

He sounds like a wind up merchant to me

Christinayangstwistedsista · 07/10/2017 10:03

I hate the whole " stag do in Amsterdam " thing. You both seem to have different views on relationships so maybe its time to think about your future

thewooster · 07/10/2017 10:07

So he buggers off to Amsterdam and he's arranged all the activities for this stag, but he won't give you any details. So in your mind you are thinking red light district, strippers, sex shows etc.

And he's saying shut the fuck up woman, you nag.

I couldn't be with a man like that.

ShatnersWig · 07/10/2017 10:09

Teddy Sorry but why do people always trot out a line like this:

Some people aren't comfortable with things like strip clubs or sex shows and he obviously would have been at things like that if he was on a stag in Amsterdam.

Do you know, some people go to Amsterdam for stag parties and don't go to a sex show? I'm quite prepared to accept a comment that MANY would have been at things like that but it's just bollocks to infer that every man or group of men that go to Amsterdam go there for the sex trade.

Christinayangstwistedsista · 07/10/2017 10:22

They could have been there for purely cultural reasons but the op does g know as he won't discuss it with hef

Teddy7878 · 07/10/2017 10:25

@shatners bollocks he didn't go to a strip club! If he was just there soaking up the culture then surely he'd just tell her what they did?! The fact he's keeping schtum is pretty damning evidence.
And I'm well aware people go to Amsterdam and don't go to strip clubs. I've been twice and didn't step foot in the red light district.

Ellisandra · 07/10/2017 10:26

But Shatners, of the many that don't go for the sex trade, how many wouldn't just tell their partner what they were planning?

I don't even think that not telling her means that he was going to the red light district. I lived in Amsterdam for 6 months and I loved it, and never went near strip clubs!

It's equally likely he wasn't going to strip clubs but was deliberately not telling her his plans to wind her up.

Which is every bit as much a reason to leave him as him participating in the sex trade.

For me it's not about innocent vs guilty.

It's about him not caring enough about her to put her mind at rest.
And frankly, not having a decent enough relationship that he doesn't just chat about the plans anyway! My boyfriend and I don't live in each other's pockets but I can't imagine him organising a 5 day trip to another city without there being some kind of chat about it.

Swipe left for the next trending thread