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Relationships

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Original poster

Bachelor party in Amsterdam.

59 replies

clifje02 · 07/10/2017 08:52

So, my boyfriend of four and half years (best man) with groom and a bunch of his friends got back from a 5 day trip to Amsterdam for bachelor party. I’m still trying to rack my brains around it, that why did they had to go to another country for a party.

Now I love my boyfriend. Not that he’s ever cheated, but he just doesn’t understand that this trip and him organising the whole trip and whatever else that went on there made me so uncomfortable and I tried to talk to him about my worries. He just laughed at me and said that I was being silly.

Before leaving we got into a bit of an argument about him doing the whole preparations and he said that a bodacious bachelor party is needed for a complete wedding experience and I didn’t know how to respond to that and that was it. I tried to get him to tell me about the details but he wouldn’t tell me anything and just said, you’re getting in my way and I don’t appreicate it.

I tried to be as supportive as I could on the surface but he didn’t even said anything to make sure that it will be alright. I think that he knew what I was thinking and said if you don’t trust me after all this time then that’s not my problem is it? If you think that I’m gonna cheat, don’t you wonder why I would wait 4 and half years to do that? If you’re not happy then maybe we’re not compatible.

The ball’s in your court. You need to trust me just don’t bother me while i’m on this trip and don’t relentlessly call to check in and keep your advice to yourself and don’t give me the list of rules you may or maynot have about this, okay?

So, that was it. After they came back I asked him what happend and he said it’s probably not as bad as you think. Lots of my friends have slept with more women than they can count, and this doesn’t make them monster who would disrespect their relationship. But, he still seemed a bit distant and I have absolutely no idea what’s going on in his mind.

Even after 3 days , he still isn’t sharing much and I’m really worried about whether this is it for our relationship. I know we’ve had our argument about this party but I didn’t think it would become such an issue where I’d have to worry about whether he might break up with me.

OP posts:

ShatnersWig · 07/10/2017 10:33

Teddy* Please READ what I said. I did not say the OP's bloke did or did not attend a club. I never even mentioned the bloke. You did not say "his behaviour is such that he clearly went to a strip club". You said "he obviously would have been at things like that if he was on a stag in Amsterdam".

You may have elaborated later and made specific reference to this blokes shady behaviour but your initial posting did not and the inference and implication made in it was obvious.

TokenGinger · 07/10/2017 10:41

Teddy maybe he isn’t prepared to share what he’s doing because he’s in a controlling and emotionally abusive relationship and he’s final reached breaking point where he feels he shouldn’t have to share the ins and outs of everything he does with somebody who doesn’t trust him regardless.

RedBlackberries · 07/10/2017 10:41

I'd like to know what he'd done there but I wouldn't push and push. If you've no reason not to trust him then I'd let it go. He probably feels embarrassed about sharing what he saw with you but it doesn't mean he's cheated or anything bad.

If you have got previous reasons not to trust him that's a different matter though.

Be3Al2Si6O18 · 07/10/2017 15:20

When a load of blokes say they are going to Amsterdam, Prague or Thailand my spidery senses say sex is on the agenda, even if its not organised. Get there, see what happens kind of thing at the very least.

Merida83 · 07/10/2017 15:42

I really cannot see what your problem was with him arranging and going on a stag do abroad. It's very common for stag and hen do's to be several day trips abroad. And as best man it's typical for him to be left to arrange it.

And his attitude before going was obviously a reaction to your incessant questioning, which would of annoyed the hell out if me too. You are in a committed long term relationship, you give no indication that you have any reason to not trust him so I just don't get what your issues are. But they seem to me to be very much your issues, cos he seems content and happy. And to use this as a reason to or claim it to be cause of breakdown of relationship is utter madness IMHO!

BatshitCrazyWoman · 07/10/2017 16:19

He used the word 'bodacious'

He's being a twat for not answering your questions. That and the word bodacious would have me pondering ...

Shoxfordian · 07/10/2017 16:29

Yeah I think you were controlling. If you trust him then you trust him but it sounds like you don't.

I'd be annoyed too if I were him.

6demandingchildren · 07/10/2017 16:40

Hubby has been to many stag dos in Amsterdam and the first time he saw a sex show was when we were together ( he giggled like a schoolgirl pointing out others in the audience that looked like perv's) trust me it's very expensive and unless he spent 250+euros a day he didn't get up to much.

Lucyccfc · 07/10/2017 18:33

Pretty much every city in Europe has some sort of red light district and sex shows - Amsterdam is no different, but it's a tiny part of the city.

I've been about 8 times and only walked through the red light district once.

I took my DS when he was 4 and we had a great week.

If you don't trust him, then that's your problem and not a stag do to Amsterdam.

Winterbeaches · 07/10/2017 18:45

Lol at all the stag parties going to Amsterdam to soak up the culture.

If he'd spent Day 3 at the Anne Frank museum, he surely would have told you?

Amsterdam stag parties were the cause of many breakups in my area/friendship circle at one point.
Many men go and have a giggle at the Red light district in a group, only to slope off on their own the next day.
Also I wouldn't trust anyone who used the word "bodacious", even unironically

ShatnersWig · 07/10/2017 19:12

Winter I knew a stag do of 5 guys that went to Amsterdam for a football international

DanHumphreyIsA · 07/10/2017 19:28

I get your concerns but it just shows that you dont trust him, so you've got other things to deal with than him going to Amsterdam.

TBH if I was questioned after an argument, or bombarded with questions before or after a trip, I'd be reluctant to answer them under the circumstances. Plus I'm sure Id be asked by MNetters 'is he controlling in other ways'

I think you should just give it some time to let things cool and try and approach it calmly without arguing.
If its imperative that you know and he wont tell you, then you'll have to make a decision on whether its a deal breaker.

FritzDonovan · 07/10/2017 23:53

My oh there years ago said they went to the red light district for the bars and nightlife, but I'm pretty sure there are other nice bars all over the city. so it's a deliberate choice to be there. Even if it was just for a snigger and to be able to say they've been there, it's not a big jump from that to looking, to having a quick experience (just to be able to say they've done it). A bj isn't expensive at all. No real reason to go to the RLD apart from sex, drugs, or a few limited tourist attractions. Not being able to provide non dodgy details points to it being dodgy.

mogulfield · 08/10/2017 00:01

I was in Amsterdam as part of a sports tour with a group of men a few years ago, I would be worried as well Op. Even nice normal guys watched live sex shows (grim), had private naked dances and got prostitutes. Not all of them, but even the ‘good guys’ did. It was eye opening.
That being said, you don’t KNOW he did anything at all.
I don’t know if this post is helpful, sorry! But I just wanted to sympathise and let you know I don’t think you’re overreacting. The lack of detail would worry me... and 5 days is a loooong party!

midsummabreak · 08/10/2017 00:11

The whole stag do thing is f...... in so many different ways. If you think getting married means you will be restricted and therefore need to f... a prostitue to feel better, why get married? He is leading you on, teasing you by saying he needs to have a bodacious experience. You cant waste a lifetime with this arsehole. He will be constantly baiting you with his smart arse expressions, then refusing to be honest about exactly what he means by what he says. Flick the dick.

midsummabreak · 08/10/2017 01:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HelenaDove · 08/10/2017 01:59

Agree midsummer. And if anything its women who become more restricted by marriage and children than men.

CoyoteCafe · 08/10/2017 03:45

*Lol at all the stag parties going to Amsterdam to soak up the culture.

If he'd spent Day 3 at the Anne Frank museum, he surely would have told you?*

Yeah, I also don't see how wondering what one's other half did during a 5 day "party" is controlling.

I’d have to worry about whether he might break up with me

Why are you worried about him breaking up with you? Why aren't you considering whether or not you want to stay with him? He doesn't care how you feel. That, for me, is a deal breaker. I wouldn't share my time, my bed, or my life with a man who didn't care how I feel.

MiniTheMinx · 08/10/2017 08:00

You are worried he may break up with you, because he wants you to think this. He has made you feel that you can't ask questions because if you do, he'll dump you. Why? Because he doesn't want to tell you what went on. It's a coercive and manipulative form of discipline and control.

And it won't stop there. Just as you have no idea what went on in Amsterdam, he has set up the conditions under which you will eventually not be able to question anything.....in relation always to things he wants hidden from you. People only hide inconvenient truths.

Teddy7878 · 08/10/2017 08:16

Makes me laugh that people are calling the OP controlling when it's pretty clear the her OH is the controlling one. Refusing to give information about something that is worrying her is incredibly mean. All he has to do is tell her what they did and she would probably drop it and none of this would have escalated into an argument. Maybe she wouldn't be questioning so much if he didn't make her feel so insecure.
OP it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to stay in for much longer

Zeelove · 08/10/2017 08:29

Stop asking him questions and go book a holiday to a place with loads of handsome men....

oooooohhhlalaaa · 08/10/2017 08:42

He sounds like a right knob. No respect for you whatsoever. I'd get rid

SandyY2K · 08/10/2017 08:44

Why do you need to know what happened? It was a stag do.

I really wouldn't feel the need for information personally.

Many people go abroad for stag dos... Amsterdam ..
Vegas... Barcelona ... there's nothing strange about that.

Teddy7878 · 08/10/2017 08:55

What do you mean why would she need to know what happened?
If she doesn't feel comfortable with her partner going to strip clubs or sex shows etc then she should be entitled to feel that way and ensure he hasn't done those things if he knows her feelings. It's great if you're a really secure person with good self esteem, but not everyone is like that and a little bit of reassurance can go a long way

MiniTheMinx · 08/10/2017 09:05

That's it exactly it Teddy
People are generally open and transparent about things unless they feel they have something to hide.

Unfortunately there is no equivalent way of behaving as a woman, unless there is some place where it's culturally acceptable for women to buy male bodies. Where men are trafficked, drugged and stripped for females to purve over, or purchased for sex. I would like to see such a place, where pornography degrades men, where men are reduced to just bodies, where men cavort round poles, or do cam work to feed their kids because we just drop the baby, whilst we throw pennies at them to entertain us. Alas no such "fun" for us. I'd like to think that all the time we would hold hippocrital, contradictory views, gaslight them and whilst getting our jollies part of the thrill would be saying these are "males" or whores who deserve it, and our partners are more virtuous dupes but non the less lower species who deserve our lies. Does such a holiday destination exist?

And they can say I didn't touch, I window shopped. But why? Why would anyone assume that it's far more fun or risky to holiday in the red light district, than say, going skiing or rock climbing. Because men have fun and get off on women, especially when those women are not their women. Where did slavery start? And what is the most modern form of it? And where does it happen now in plain view? And why oh why any woman thinks these jollies are all innocent I'll never know, and why she thinks she's better than the goods in the shop window I can never fathom. Its only luck and circumstance whether you are the virtuous and duped or the trafficked and sold.

I'd dump this misogynist dip shit on his head. Not just for his choice of holiday, but because I'd realise he thinks I'm stupid enough to be manipulated and probably thinks I'd be grateful I'm his chosen virtuous dupe.

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