Dp is too hot and cold, now I'm going to my sisters engagement alone but there is a back story

[Newhouse76]

I'm really anxious, and I've had cbt for many years but basically struggle to contain it. I just feel I need to control stuff around me and hate it when things change. He has very demanding attitudes also.

I felt really bad this week with anxiety and DP was really kind which was lovely. Today we are supposed to be travelling overnight to my sisters engagement party which is a big thing in my family and culture.

This morning he was annoyed when DD 13, spilt cereal all over the floor as she didn't clear it up properly and he thought I didn't support him in this - I think there might have been a grain of truth in what he said as I thought the cleaner would clean the corners. He said he wouldn't be picking DD up from her sports club because of my attitude. As Im Working from home this meant that I couldrush out and colllect her but this meant that I wouldn't be able to wash my dishes In the sink. This i said was ok as the cleaner was coming on Sunday.

He said I must 'comply' with him and that I needed to wash the dishes before leaving. I explained that as I wasnow collecting DD could he help with one or another. He said no and that he would make sure he made a lot of noise when I had my next work call. My boss called me and DH was shouting over me and laughing at me. I tried to exit the call and call back from the bathroom but he kept knocking the door really loudly. I needed to stand outside to make the call in the end. I have quite a big job in the City and my manager was calling from New York!

He's said he is no longer coming this weekend, has stormed out and texted my sister to tell her. My dad is terminally ill and this was supposed to be a family get together.

I feel so stressed and anxious but I know that I am very hard to live with due to the anxiety and controlling behaviour that I can't shake off. I don't know what to do 😳

I'm prepared to get a kicking from you all 😳

You need to get rid of this disrespectful man.

I take it he's not your daughter's father? Is it your home?

His behaviour is incredibly controlling. No wonder you are anxious. I couldn't live with someone like that - I'd feel like I was on edge all the time.

Just out of interest, what's his job? I can't believe someone would act like that when you're on a work call.

He's a bully. Why does he think he is the boss of you?
Is DD his?

He sounds utterly horrible.

Sorry no he is not my daughters father - I remarried

He was in a really senior role but was made redundant in January and has struggled to find a job since which has been hard.

I'm also hard to live with though so I don't know where it starts and ends

How odd that he made himself sound so ridiculous when you were on your work call. He may have thought he was harming you but really he was embarrassing himself.
I have a funny feeling your anxiety would lessen if you didn't live with your DP. He's floating in and out of family life on a sea of ill-feeling and temper tantrums. You have to say this is unacceptable. It's not fair on your DD or on you.
Try to enjoy the time with your family this weekend and if possible confide in someone about how badly your DP is treating you. You need RL support.

Well you hven't really given any examples of your 'controlling' behaviour but you have given several examples of his abusive behaviour. "comply" with him? I'm sorry? How dare he?? Does he talk to your dcs like this as well? That is totally not on. And as for talking over your work phone call -- words just fail me, that is so outrageous.

I suspect you bend over backwards not to let your anxiety and need for control impinge on your family any more than it has to. He on the other hand is clearly not making any effort to stop his vile temper from impinging on you. He is definitley controlling and wants to "punish" you for not "obeying" him even before he has thought of what he wants himself.

I don't think it's your behaviour you need to worry about OP, exept in so far as - you should worry about why you put up with this. No-one should be treated this way. No-one.

It's raining bastards on mumsnet!

Sorry that comment was of no use at all!
Get rid.
He's awful.
And he's bullying your daughter.

I am lazy though and messy and I really do not like it when things go my way. My sisters who are my best friends tell me that I am difficult to live with and wouldn't live with me, in the nicest possible way.
My mum is horribly controlling, to the point of abisive when we were children and I really think I have picked up we horrible need for Control

I just don't like people telling me to do things in an in your face way, if I'm 'told' I just won't react positively. If I'm asked I'm happy to help. I'm selective though as I function really well at work 😳

I just can't stop it, I feel tense if things are just not going as planned but that's not good for other people

I'd just so wanted this to be a nice weekend with my family all together

I just feel so anxious now

Why would we be giving you a kicking? The only person who deserves a kicking is your partner, and that is a kicking out!
He is a nasty bully.

Go to your family, talk to them and let them help you.

Your abusive mother set you up good and proper to expect abusive treatment from men in your adult relationships. You have simply chosen someone who is likely not too dissimilar to your own mother.

I do not think you are as much lazy so much as someone desperately trying to keep the sinking ship afloat as chaos rains down all around her. Your sisters do not sound at all supportive either; are they really a carbon copy of their mother?.

And as for your current H well he needs to be out of your lives before he drags you and your DD further down with him.

He tried to ruin your important work call? Is he jealous of your job?

I don't know isn't he is jealous or just sabotaging 😳

Could you just - you know - tell him not to come back - like, ever?

Or punishing you for not complying

I am lazy though and messy and I really do not like it when things go my way.

OP, unless there are examples which are much worse than this sounds, these sound like normal flaws. Which you are in CBT to address anyway.

I just don't like people telling me to do things in an in your face way, if I'm 'told' I just won't react positively. If I'm asked I'm happy to help.

That's not even a flaw!

You seem to persist in seeing yourself as a problem person. You may well have your issues, but I am wondering how much of it is your abusive partner, abusive mother and (not abusive but coming from the same toxic dynamic) sisters telling you how difficult you are.

And nobody at work thinks you're incredibly difficult, apparently. Hm. I'd be asking yourself, is it because you're "selective" that you function well at work or is it in fact that you're basically functional and normal and everyone outside your family can see that.

What do friends think? Would they say you're difficult?

Please stop blaming yourself for everything. It's patently obvious that you are being picked on, by your mother and now your husband and seemingly your sisters. You need to get some perspective somehow. Why the hell is your husband lording it over you when you are the one with job in the city and he is redundant? Maybe that IS the reason, but it's no excuse.
No one likes being told to do stuff, not even by bosses but especially not by equals. You are equal to your husband, if not far superior from what I can see.

He's done a right number on you to make you feel so bad and responsible for his issues. No wonder you have anxiety Has he worked since January? Did he by any chance lose his job due to others' rather than take responsibility. What has he contributed in the meanwhile?

His reaction is so over the top, I suspect he engineered it so he didn't have to go with you. I'd be wondering what he was doing.

He sounds like a bully and an utter bastard.

He hasn't worked since January and he has found being home all day hard. He literally spends from 9-4 on the intranet applying for jobs. He's had interviews but not much luck - I don't know if it's because senior jobs are harder to come by or I feel it's a personality thing although he is VERY charmjng to others

I'm living in his house - I have my own which is rented - so my contribution even during his redundancy has been minimal as he has savings and I have contributed maybe a third of total costs. He preferred this as my contribution is 'housekeeping' and not 'mortgage'. Ive paid for takeaways, meals out and holidays though

He knows how much this meant to me so it's that which makes me feel so bad about it all. I'd hate to see someone else so sad if I knew I just had to go to a family party for them to feel better.

I even paid for his plane tickets 😳

I'd use the weekend to think about the situation and if you want to stay with him. Tell your family and see what they think.

Is your DD pleased he stayed at home?

He sounds as if he's getting off on kicking you when you're down.

OP, I can understand your own reaction to anyone trying to control you after your mother's treatment of you.

But your H is also abusing you.

It doesn't matter how hard someone is to love with, his behaviour during your work call was unforgivable. Nasty, abusive, bullying control.

You can't possibly hope to keep your anxiety under control when you live with someone who thinks he can punish and bully you into compliance.

Over spilt cereal?

So are you on the way to the airport? Go, have a lovely weekend with your family.