Dp is too hot and cold, now I'm going to my sisters engagement alone but there is a back story

[Newhouse76]

I'm really anxious, and I've had cbt for many years but basically struggle to contain it. I just feel I need to control stuff around me and hate it when things change. He has very demanding attitudes also.

I felt really bad this week with anxiety and DP was really kind which was lovely. Today we are supposed to be travelling overnight to my sisters engagement party which is a big thing in my family and culture.

This morning he was annoyed when DD 13, spilt cereal all over the floor as she didn't clear it up properly and he thought I didn't support him in this - I think there might have been a grain of truth in what he said as I thought the cleaner would clean the corners. He said he wouldn't be picking DD up from her sports club because of my attitude. As Im Working from home this meant that I couldrush out and colllect her but this meant that I wouldn't be able to wash my dishes In the sink. This i said was ok as the cleaner was coming on Sunday.

He said I must 'comply' with him and that I needed to wash the dishes before leaving. I explained that as I wasnow collecting DD could he help with one or another. He said no and that he would make sure he made a lot of noise when I had my next work call. My boss called me and DH was shouting over me and laughing at me. I tried to exit the call and call back from the bathroom but he kept knocking the door really loudly. I needed to stand outside to make the call in the end. I have quite a big job in the City and my manager was calling from New York!

He's said he is no longer coming this weekend, has stormed out and texted my sister to tell her. My dad is terminally ill and this was supposed to be a family get together.

I feel so stressed and anxious but I know that I am very hard to live with due to the anxiety and controlling behaviour that I can't shake off. I don't know what to do 😳

I'm prepared to get a kicking from you all 😳

I don't get why you wouldn't wash dishes on Friday because the cleaner comes on Sunday but it doesn't really matter anyway as he sounds awful.

God he sounds awful, run as fast as you can away from him. I can only echo what other posters have said, you sound as though people have told you your entire life who you are and maybe you only see yourself through their eyes. You really don't sound bad at all, his behaviour on the other hand is childish and ridiculous. What reasonable adult would act like that when you're trying to deal with a work call? He's an abusive twat by the sounds of it, punishing you because your daughter didn't clear up properly. I hope you get support in rl but, honestly, your family aren't helping with their comments about you.
I hope you have a lovely weekend but seriously consider how much easier your life would be without this "man".

He's horrible and should be finished with. Leaving pots for three days for the cleaner to do is awful.

Fuck this twat off - FOREVER - and go and have a fantastic weekend with your family!!

Your DP is an arsehole.
You do not have to 'comply' with anything he orders you to do. Ever.

Others have covered what an arse your DP is.

I am just wondering if CBT is the right therapy for you? It can be very effective in the short term for specific issues, but the fact that you struggle to see its not you it's him, that your self-esteem doesn't sound great and how you describe your mother, makes me feel that psychodynamic or person-centred therapy might be more beneficial to you in looking at deeper issues.

Just a thought that jumped out to me from your posts..

Jesus!

Get rid!

He is ridiculous. As well as being an utterly impossibly emotionally aggressive, unreasonable, dislikeable shit.

I cannot imagine what a screwed-up view of men and relationships your daughter is going to grow up with, having this twat as 'stepdad'.

You have anxiety? No shit!!!

Honestly. Rethink. Get rid.

Bloody hell, you have to ask? He's really really done a number on you, hasn't he?

Yes you need to get rid. And what's more, I suspect that your anxiety will improve as soon as you do

Come on op. What about your daughter? Why are you living in a house with this man and allowing your poor dd to be in the middle of this absolute shit show?

Please just answer this for me: why are you with him? Seriously - what does he bring to your life?

I can't believe some of the stuff people on here put up with. It seems like the last few days, there has just been constant threads about controlling partners.

So sad that so many people live such miserable lives.

All this over spilt cereal - the punishment he's dishing out certainly doesn't fit the crime.

As for him sabotaging your work calls - I'm that any self respecting adult would behave in such a way! Even my 9 yet old knows not to do this when I work from home if I tell her I'm on a call.

His behaviour is abusive!! You may not be easy to live with but, he's disgusting!

Oh and just go to the family thing without him and have a fucking great time!

Maybe you are difficult to live with. So? What has that got to do with him behaving like a total cock.

What on earth is your logic there? You can only object to him being a bully if you are perfect? Fuck that.

I'd have been packing my bags after the work call incident. Total fucking twat.

I think you'll have a much better time away without him to be honest. It sounds like he would just try to spoil things.
I don't think I could stand to live with someone like that.
You have your own home, he has his. You are financially independent. You do have other options that don't include having to put up with his appalling behaviour.

Thanks everyone I feel much better having read your posts. I'm just reaching my parents home and just leaving the house made me feel less tense. I'm from a culture where one divorce is 'not good' and 2 unthinkable and shameful for everyone. That's just a reality I can't change and I would feel so embarrassed telling people even just at work let alone in my 'community' that I was twice a divorcee 😳. I just don't know how to get round that

The dirty dishes comment - it was dds sandwich box which had been in her bag for days 🙄 And it really made me queasy at the thought of washing it. I lazily thought I'd fill it with fairy and hot water and as we were leaving today for the weekend, let the cleaner deal with it. I honestly feel nauseous dealing with mouldy plastic. And prob a bit of the laziness in me 😳

Thanks everyone for all of your kind answers, I really appreciate it

So you're actually married to him? I didn't get that all from your description of the housing set up. You own separate homes and you're not on the mortgage for the one you live in?

Maybe he's right about you and dd not picking up after yourselves but to sabotage your work and your family get together is shocking.

Enjoy the party. Be open to your family about his arseholeness so that they're not shocked if you leave him.

I do that with my dd's lunch box all the time if she's left it in her bag over a weekend. I'll let it soak in hot soapy water. That's not being lazy.
Have a fab weekend

By the way I'm twice divorced and stayed with my ex for far too long as I didn't want to be 'that one who's had 2 divorces' I actually found that people are a lot less judgemental than I thought they'd be. I have a few lines up my sleeve if I start to feel weird about telling anyone. Things along the lines of 'it took me 2 husbands to realise you could buy fruit cake from Tesco, rather than having it at a wedding' etc. Soon gives people a laugh and they forget about it.

As a first step, give notice to your tenants and make plans to move back in.

The divorce can cone later, when you're free of him.

He is using your issues to control and bully you. A husband should build you up, not bring you down.

How old is he? He sounds about 10.

He is not a partner in any way, shape or form, and absolutely no example to your DD.

Have a good time at your sister's then come home, sort out your affairs (see a solicitor if you have any shared assets) and either give your tenants notice or find somewhere new.

This has no future.

I'm from a culture where one divorce is 'not good' and 2 unthinkable and shameful for everyone. That's just a reality I can't change and I would feel so embarrassed telling people even just at work let alone in my 'community' that I was twice a divorcee 😳. I just don't know how to get round that

Consider how many women in your community might feel trapped in bad or abusive marriages because they feel the same way. By knocking another chunk off the taboo means you are helping all those others to see they can get divorced without the sky falling in.

Why would you tell anyone at work you were getting divorced?

He sounds unkind and difficult

I think you should consider separating

OK Newhouse. Just STOP for a moment and think

A job is important to anyone who has one. On a base level it is how you make money to survive, provide for yourself and your dependents. It is also something that gives people a sense of pride, personal development and achievement.

WHAT GROWN ADULT WOULD EVER DELIBERATELY MAKE NOISE TO DISRUPT A PERSON'S WORK CALL?

No one. Do you not see that?

It is immature.
It shows a lack of respect to you.
It means that him humiliating you is more important to him than you are.
It means that him openly behaving like a child to "punish" you is more important to him than your job or your reputation.
It is controlling.
It is nasty.
It is abusive.

You shouldn't put up with treatment like that.

[And if he is doing it then I would have said to the person I am speaking to in front of him "I am sorry about the background noise but my husband has said that he wants to disrupt this call and is deliberately making a lot of noise butI'm not going to let him interfere with my work, I can hear you, please carry on" Stuffed an earplug in my other ear, turned up the handset volume to max and pressed on.

On my 3rd marriage! I just joke and say I didn't realise you don't have to marry every one who asks

How can you consider staying married to a man who is deliberately trying to get you sacked?