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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm dying of hurt

65 replies

whatnextfred · 06/10/2017 00:34

I split from eh in oct last year when he cheated on me. Long line of previous. I still love him but would never ever go back. 3 dc. Spent a Friday a couple of weeks ago with a friend of a friend who is newly in similar situation and was so honest with her re the hurt and pain and feelings etc. Tonight he emailed to say he's been on a second date with her. To give me a 'heads up'. I feel sick. Sick. Go instant diarrhoea. She knew who he was and what he's done and has gone on two dates with him. I know I need to stop caring. I have a bf. why does this hurt so so much. Feel sick

OP posts:
KarateKitten · 06/10/2017 00:38

Urgh, she's a bad person.

TiesThatBindMe · 06/10/2017 00:39

I don't know how to make it stop but at some stage your brain just clicks that he's a bollicks and you stop caring. I can't tell you how or when but when you're financially independent it possibly helps to instigate the process. You'll get there. Honestly you will. I've been through the most horrible of break-ups and yet here I am.

Original poster
whatnextfred · 06/10/2017 00:43

I sent her a message tonight about something random and it was when she was on a date with him. Envy. That's not envy it's sick. Then got an email from him giving me a 'heads up' that they just figured out she knew me which I now know from mutual friend is complete lie they knew at first meeting. I spent the evening with him at open evening for high schools for dad and he knew he was off on a date with her yet keeps telling me he wants us to be great friends and have respect for each other

OP posts:
Original poster
whatnextfred · 06/10/2017 00:44

Open evening for dd not dad obviously. I'm shaking.

OP posts:
Sohurt17 · 06/10/2017 00:48

Sweetheart, they deserve each other. You deserve much, much better. So sorry it hurts right now. It will get better I promise Flowers

Original poster
whatnextfred · 06/10/2017 00:51

I told her soooooo much. I held her when she cried and cried over her cheating H. It's so horrible. They were talking about me. How they'd tell me. It's horrific

OP posts:
TiesThatBindMe · 06/10/2017 00:54

It's ok. Just breathe. That's all you have to do right now. Breathe in and out.

TiesThatBindMe · 06/10/2017 00:56

You never have to think about what they may or may not have been saying. It's not your business. Your business is YOU. And all you need to do my friend is breathe. And I might allow you to cry briefly. But mostly breathe deep breaths.

Original poster
whatnextfred · 06/10/2017 00:58

I want to not care. I want to not care. So badly. And yet I'm dying

OP posts:
Original poster
whatnextfred · 06/10/2017 00:59

And thanks. I feel rather desperate. I thought this rawness was behind me

OP posts:
TiesThatBindMe · 06/10/2017 01:04

Brilliant piece of advice I got recently

It doesn't matter what people think about you, it only matters what you think about them.

TiesThatBindMe · 06/10/2017 01:05

You'll be fine. It's raw now. Chat on here if you like.

Original poster
whatnextfred · 06/10/2017 01:09

Why is it still effecting me so badly? It's a week shy of a year and I feel like hell. I've been so strong. New house. Gone back to uni. Not even kissed him since I found out. Why am I dying?

OP posts:
Carouselfish · 06/10/2017 01:20

They say it takes as long to get over someone as you were with them. Treat it like toxins leaving your body, it hurts but it's better you go through getting all those shitty feelings out, than keeping them in or getting suckered in to give him another chance. Feeling like you do right now will. not. last.

Original poster
whatnextfred · 06/10/2017 01:23

I'd rather die than face 13 years of this

OP posts:
mrbob · 06/10/2017 01:29

They both sound totally fucked up and I imagine once the drama in their dating has dulled they will be finding something else to liven it up. Affairs, arguements... This is not going to be a healthy relationship they are in. Which I know doesn't really help but don't get ideas about them sailing off into the sunset

Original poster
whatnextfred · 06/10/2017 01:41

Talk to me please

OP posts:
BackInTheRoom · 06/10/2017 01:42

It's still raw OP. Take each day at a time ok? 💐

LonginesPrime · 06/10/2017 01:45

Hang on - so you poured your heart out to her and she knows all the details of what a shit he's been to you, yet still decided to date him?

Wow, she must be desperate!

She's where you were years ago, OP, and you've come out the other side free to have a life with someone who's not a lying, cheating bastard...she's just going into it.

Original poster
whatnextfred · 06/10/2017 01:47

I know. I know. Yet the pain SadSadSad

OP posts:
Original poster
whatnextfred · 06/10/2017 02:23

I can't sleep

OP posts:
BigBairyHollocks · 06/10/2017 02:29

Aww OP,,Flowers do you want to try to talk about why this particularly hurts so badly,is ot because you had been so honest with her and she also betrayed you by going on a date with him?I totally get that is just so wrong of her.I can't offer much advice other than to say like other posters have,she's clearly a dickhead for doing this.Its ok to feel hurt by this new betrayal,but it's not him this time causing it really,it's her testy behaviour.Hug OP

Original poster
whatnextfred · 06/10/2017 02:32

I don't know. I think I'm so upset because I was drafted in to help her if you know what I mean.... and also I hate so so much how this has affected me. I've not gotten off the loo and can't sleep. It's like I've just found out he's cheated again. I'm shattered :(

OP posts:
Jellyheadbang · 06/10/2017 02:33

Them dating has triggered all the trauma feelings from when you found out he's cheated in the first place. It's an emotional reaction to previous incidents and with being a 'friend ' it has conjured up all those betrayal & hurt feelings once again.
It's like ptsd and I suggest you try and get support through counselling, gp or another type of therapy so these shocks don't keep having such a detrimental affect on you.
I have been there with ptsd and triggers so I really feel for you.
Take care and remember you had a 'lucky' escape.
Don't let his current deception set you back a year.
Your 'friend' has all this to come (again) so just pity her.

beesandknees · 06/10/2017 02:36

I'm still up if you need to talk op

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