I'm dying of hurt

[whatnextfred]

I split from eh in oct last year when he cheated on me. Long line of previous. I still love him but would never ever go back. 3 dc. Spent a Friday a couple of weeks ago with a friend of a friend who is newly in similar situation and was so honest with her re the hurt and pain and feelings etc. Tonight he emailed to say he's been on a second date with her. To give me a 'heads up'. I feel sick. Sick. Go instant diarrhoea. She knew who he was and what he's done and has gone on two dates with him. I know I need to stop caring. I have a bf. why does this hurt so so much. Feel sick

I'm getting into bed but still crying

It's ok to feel shattered. You've been very strong and now feel betrayed and it's bringing up all the feelings you had the first time around. Which is scaring the shit out of you, which is amplifying the feeling x

This too shall pass....

It’s a phrase that has its roots in Persia and is as likely old as modern humans.

We still use it, because it represents wise words that have stood the test of time.

You have suffered a double betrayal. It’s ok to feel angry. Let it out, then let go - don’t waste your energy on either of them indefinitely. Indifference is the most powerful feeling to project to those who’ve hurt you.

How could she have not walked out as soon as she realised who he was????? How???

People are frail, selfish beings my love. They do awful things out of a compulsion to be admired / a fear of being alone.

Because she’s a shallow person who valued the attention of a friends ex over the friend.

In other words she’s a vacuous, calculating, disloyal person.

I want to unleash seven levels on him tomorrow. He has been campaigning so hard for things to be friendlier and spend more time together. Ha! His email told me a lie - everything is a lie. They sat there talking about me like I was the fucking pathetic woman to be pitied. It makes me burn inside

Seven levels of hell that is

Don't spend time with him. Don't be in contact with him. He sounds so manipulative and cruel.

I'm wondering if all this is really you finally being faced with just how devoid of morals you ex is. It's a new grief after you were starting to let your guard down again...?

Can you cut contact with him for good. I also remember trying to stay on good terms with my ex. It fucked my head up because he was just so incredibly manipulative. I only healed properly after I went no/low contact with him

Don’t. Just don’t.

You’ve split. You say you have a BF.

He now has a GF - not what you expected but do not create a “scene” on email, social media or in person.

I understand why you feel how you do, but frankly your best bet here is a very cool, indifferent response to both of them.

How can I possibly go no contact when we have shared custody of 3 young dc

I have shared custody with my ex as well.

Low contact CAN be done. Google "grey rock". Seriously it can be done x

The trick is to maintain the image of absolutely not giving a fuck and having had a lucky escape with him (and her), regardless of how you feel inside.

It sounds shallow and hard to do,, but it does work, believe me - you basically fake it till you make it and put your energy into oozing nonchalance when you see him and not letting him see how much you're hurting.

Eventually, you'll realise that you've actually stopped giving a fuck and can actually let all the crap he does to hurt you wash over you and concentrate on your kids and everything else good in your life.

Awake....feeling worse

How am I going to cope? I'm so so so upset

She is a piece of work. Only the lowest of the low would even consider dating a friend’s ex. Avoid her like the plague. Her behaviour is scummy

NC but only discuss the DC nothing else. I think you've been triggered and the pain of betrayal has surfaced again. How could she do it? Because we all have different value systems so me personally, I'd steer clear of your STBXH but others wouldn't. You cannot control what they talk about so try to think 'oh well, they're welcome to each other'. OP please take each hour/day at a time ok? 💐

What a shit situation op but these ladies on here give amazingly brilliant advice that works.
You need to change your mind set and be strong on the outside even if you don’t feel like that on the inside.

Low contact at changeover can absolutely be done. He turns up at the door,dc are ready to go,open the door hand over kiss them all and tell them you love them and shit the door.
Walk away and think of the things you will be doing that day/evening etc etc.
That hurt will turn to anger and that’s when you get the practical side of things sorted.
Have you started divorce proceedings yet?
He’s showing his true colours and of course he wants it to be friendly,he’s the one who fucked up.
Don’t keep feeding his need for acceptance here.
Every time you answer an email,call etc that isn’t to do with the contact of your dc your feeding him and it makes him feel better for how he’s behaved so stop doing it.
As for the women,ignore ignore ignore.

You can do it op x

All good advice here op, but my anger would be more towards her than him! She sat there and let you pour your heart out, what a low life she is. You on the other hand will come out of this with more strength and courage and integrity than either of them will ever have. Stay strong and seek support in rl

I understand your feelings WhatNext, (been cheated on too - exW in my case) but you come across as very heavily invested in your exH still.

It's understandable to feel betrayed here, but almost all your anger and hurt seems to be directed at him and not her - and she's the one that'll have broken the confidence (if she even has).

I very much doubt she and your ex would have wanted to sit through a date discussing you and your feelings. I can't think of anything less likely to lead to a relationship forming. She doesn't owe you anything - a friend of a friend is hardly a close relationship - and he didn't tell you before the second date because, well, why would (or should) he?

You're both free agents now, although he sounds more "free" of your marriage than you currently are. He'd have been cruel to tell you before the first date - what if they'd met and it had bombed? Why would he have wanted to tell you before they both thought it might go somewhere?

FWIW, if she's only just out of a relationship and is as upset about that as you say, then their relationship is already on rocky ground, but that's really beside the point.

The trouble is that you sound like you also need longer to get over the end of your marriage. If I were your current BF reading your OP then I'd be doing you the favour of calling time on things because I wouldn't think you've moved on.

In the gentler way possible you do need to pull yourself together. He's your ex for a reason and she is a complete insignificant in your life. Your reaction is disproportionate.

But you don't know if they are talking about you. It's a bit egocentric to feel that they are. The more mature response is to think they are just talking about each other which is the normal way a relationship develops.

Remember a thought is just some thing you think. It's not true or even a fact or even valid.

You are torturing yourself thinking all this stuff which might not even be accurate. Look into why you are choosing to make this as painful as possible. Why do you punish yourself when there is no need to as you have handled the break up with your ex really well.

I totally get it, her betrayal (because that's what it was, you don't sit and help someone through a breakup to then date the other party) has retriggered your feelings at his betrayal.

But do you know what, his betrayal was much, much worse and you got through that. Until yesterday, you were doing great. You will do great again.

Absolutely agree, you have to go low contact. Engage in nothing that isn't directly connected to the children. Bright, breezy, no chat about friendships or anything like that. Icy indifference. But you will get through this.

Sorry to hear about your so called friend.
I would block her completely. Can you see your gp about counselling as that is all confidential and will make life less complicated. I've had so many issues when I confide in friends. You just cannot trust anyone anymore x

Neither of them are your friends, they've just proved that. There is nothing wrong with you that you are upset because you have been betrayed twice now.

But the time for wallowing is over. You have control over your feelings - you can choose to let them keep hurting you, or you can say, fuck them, they aren't my friends, I don't care what they think or do. Keep contact to the absolute minimum (literally only what is necessary re contact with dc) and channel your best ice queen when you do see them. Only once you truly feel indifferent to his fuckwittery will you be in a position to be 'friendly'.

Act like you don't give a shit about them and soon enough your feelings will follow. Don't feed the drama. If he brings it up, just respond with 'that's nice' and change topic. If this whole thing Is about you he'll get bored and move on if you don't react. Do not unleash hell, however tempting it may be, as you'll just be giving him the reaction he wants. Make him go elsewhere to get his drama fix.