Telling off from my parents at age 31

[Lipsy21]

Hi everyone, I posted yesterday, regarding my current relationship status.
My parents are pretty protective over me because of my health problems and also because they saw me hurt during the three months of my partners "self destruct" episode. Which ended up with us having a break. He has health problems too and ended up constantly on canabis during this time, was on tinder etc and I hated him for it all. He finally saw his wrong doings and came back begging and pleading.

He has often said my parents make him feel like he will never be good enough. That hurts me as my parents brought me up to be non judgemental (he has had a bit of a bad past). My parents confessed they have never liked him and when we were on our break they were delighted.

I'm really close with my parents and basically today I felt like I was in an interview. They sat and said they are worried, they despise my partner and don't want me getting back with him. That he is a loser and will hurt me again etc. The exact phrase used was "you're selling yourself short". It was like a proper telling off. I ended up in tears and said I love him etc. I feel as though I'm very much torn here. My friends now hate him too after his 3 months of self destruct. So I'm in a place where I have nobody to talk to.

I probably sound pathetic :(

If he was on drugs and tinder while supposedly with you then I understand their concern.

It's your life of course but it's probably a case of feeling like they feel the need to say their piece.

It's telling that your friends don't like him either.

Sounds like your parents and friends care deeply about you, your partner not so much. Someone like your partner would not be good enough for any child of mine either.

Sounds like your parents are looking out for you and are worried about you getting back together with someone that has treated you badly.

Sounds like your friends agree.

Might be worth listening to them all.

Look at it from their perspective - what do they have to load or gain from explaining how they feel to you? What are their intentions do you think? If it were your daughter what would you say?
My parents always had a policy of remaining neutral either way with my partners - I wish they had told me how unsuitable my first boyfriend was tbh!

Lose*

Based on your description it sounds to me like your parents are right.

From what you've said here, I'm surprised you expect them to hold a different view

You don't love him, you just feel insecure because he's treating you so poorly.

Are you the poster whose partner attacked her and was absent for the duration of a serious illness and who is now pregnant?

I didn't see your previous thread but it sounds like your parents (and your friends) are concerned for your welfare and don't want to see you get hurt again. You believe your partner has changed for the better, but your parents probably won't believe it unless/until they see it. And that could take quite a while (a few months at the very least).

Unless they regularly interfere in your relationships they seem to have your best interests at heart. And they have a point: most people don't really change. Sometimes people improve their behaviour temporarily, but then they fall back into the same old habits. If I were your parent or friend I'd be worried about you too. So if it came across like telling you off, it's not necessarily because they think you're at fault.

Time will tell, but in your situation it's advisable to be at least a little bit sceptical about whether your partner has really changed.

Hope that doesn't sound too harsh. I've seen friends go back to partners who had hurt them and there's always an inclination to try to persuade them to be careful. No one wants to see someone they love in pain.

That's not a telling off, that's an intervention. They are trying to show you that you are loved by people who really have your best interests at heart and you don't need this wanker. Listen to them, really really listen. The fact that you call this a telling off makes me think you might be a little bit emotionally immature and stubborn, and likely to do the exact opposite of what they're advising, even if it's completely destructive for you.

I am sorry but I can't blame them. He sounds rather awful. I'd take their advice and ditch him.

@sonicboomboom I would say that I do love him. I have never been in this situation before. My last relationship lasted 7 years without any issues. I definitely wouldn't say I'm with him because I'm insecure.

@therealbiscuit no that wasn't me

@imaginarycat I wouldn't say I'm emotionally immature. I have been through a lot in my 31 years especially with my illness. I suppose I just felt a bit attacked by them. As an adult I've never done anything to disappoint them, until this.

It's hard to talk seriously to adult children without it sounding like that, but look at it from their point of view. If you were them, would you want your daughter to be in a relationship like that?

And remember, sometimes obsession and love feel very similar.

It's not their fault they're right.

What would your advice be to a sibling or a friend in the same situation as you ?

What do you want them to say to you? 'What a great cohice of boyfriend, he's treating you well, carry on??'

Put yourself in your shoes: he used drugs. He was on Tinder. They saw how upset he made you. They'll be wondering what the hell you're doing taking him back, and if they'll have to pick up all the pieces again.

It's not a telling off - they just love you and want you to be happy and make the best choices.

If friends and family all hate him, they can't ALL be wrong.

If your parents are generally non-judgmental and tend to let you make your own mistakes, they must feel really, really strongly that this man is no fucking good.

They sound like they hope telling you the truth will make you see sense. They are not disappointed in you

Thanks everyone. I know, deep down I think I know they're worried and upset for a reason. But part of me doesn't quite want to accept it is truly over just yet. . I do believe people can make mistakes at times when faced with stress etc and change. This is why I feel he can change. He certainly knows and admits to where he went wrong. It's very difficult as him and I had a very close friendship before we were together aswell. So I feel like I'm losing love and friendship and just him in general. It's sad.

Yeah, but... You did say he has a bad past. How often does he make "mistakes"?

I've read your posts you label him narcissistic and a sociopath now if he is they are not characteristics you can change and do you really want a baby with him

They aren’t telling you off, they are telling the truth.

Listen to your parents is my advice. They love you and are concerned about you - doesn't matter how old you are. my parents sat me down and told me to leave my ex when I was 7 months pregnant. They saw him for what he was and they were right. I was in denial because I was young and pregnant and wanted to believe he would turn out good in the end.
He didn't, they were right and I'm glad they talked to me, glad I listened to them. 15 years on, I'm married to a wonderful dh who is a fantastic father to our two children and brilliant step dad to ds1.
I'm so glad I listened to them.

I think you’re being unfair to your parents. Your description of the incident uses words like “said” and “worried” which sounds like they are speaking out of love and concern.

Being brought up to be non-judgemental doesn’t mean that you can’t have boundaries. For example you might not judge people who’ve been to prison but it’s perfectly fine not to date someone who’s done just that.

You’ve clearly got good friends too. Can you honestly say that you wouldn’t be concerned if a friend made the same choice as you?