Telling off from my parents at age 31

[Lipsy21]

Hi everyone, I posted yesterday, regarding my current relationship status.
My parents are pretty protective over me because of my health problems and also because they saw me hurt during the three months of my partners "self destruct" episode. Which ended up with us having a break. He has health problems too and ended up constantly on canabis during this time, was on tinder etc and I hated him for it all. He finally saw his wrong doings and came back begging and pleading.

He has often said my parents make him feel like he will never be good enough. That hurts me as my parents brought me up to be non judgemental (he has had a bit of a bad past). My parents confessed they have never liked him and when we were on our break they were delighted.

I'm really close with my parents and basically today I felt like I was in an interview. They sat and said they are worried, they despise my partner and don't want me getting back with him. That he is a loser and will hurt me again etc. The exact phrase used was "you're selling yourself short". It was like a proper telling off. I ended up in tears and said I love him etc. I feel as though I'm very much torn here. My friends now hate him too after his 3 months of self destruct. So I'm in a place where I have nobody to talk to.

I probably sound pathetic :(

@gunpowder thank you

He hasn't got any money and is not financially secure. I suppose that could be another red flag there.

You suppose? Honestly, I don't know how many red flags it will take for you to see this man for what he is. Your parents and friends CLEARLY see it.

How did you come to meet this individual in the first place?.

Your parents want to save you from your own self and poorly made relationship choices driven by your own codependency issues and lack of self worth. Bad boys are just that - bad. Your mistake also here is to think you are different from all those other ladies and can tame him or that you can love him better. It does not happen. He has also likely sanitised or otherwise given you a lot of flannel re his past and that has enabled you to see him in a better light as well.

It is also telling that your friends do not like him either. They cannot all be wrong and they have know you longer than this bloke has.

If someone else had written your initial post, what would your own counsel be?. Actually probably very similar to what you have already been advised.

Have you stayed with him because he has somehow convinced you that its you and he alone against the world and he alone has your best interests at heart?. If that is indeed the case he certainly hit paydirt when he met/targeted you.

I think you are confusing love here with codependency and a desire to be loved and needed. You are likely to act out codependent patterns of behaviours in relationships and this is what this individual has latched onto; he targeted you really and your health problems have also played right into his hands.

Yes you're right there are a lot of red flags but I have known this man a long time, I am also not judgemental so when I realised he wasn't making big bucks I didn't just dump him. It wasn't until I was actually in love with him that it transpired about his financial issues. He has had a few problems in his life and a few unfortunate things happen to him aswell.
If it were that easy do you not think I would have ran for the hills a long time ago. Circumstances bring people together and we met very randomly. I got to know him and thought he was a lovely guy before I eventually dated him. It's not been as simple as this guys a skint a*hole dump him. Pre him I'd never been in this situation. I would have loved to have known that I'd end up posting on bloody mumsnet forums because I was unhappy. If someone told me this a few years ago I would have ran for the hills. I honestly feel like some people here are just getting a total laugh out this. Why would I post in the first place? Just for a laugh. No because I clearly have issues

@atilla no he didn't target me at all, we met very randomly and had been friends for a while. I think you're right there is definitely codependancy there on both sides, sadly. Which is something I think I m going to talk to a counsellor about. I don't enjoy being in this situation at all and I'd love my old tough attitude back and be able to just kick him out and say cya

Lipsy

Re your comment:-
"I honestly feel like some people here are just getting a total laugh out this. Why would I post in the first place? Just for a laugh. No because I clearly have issues"

No-one is laughing at you here Lipsy and I think you need to examine your above thoughts here more closely. Where has that mindset come from exactly; he really?. Is he making you think that people are laughing at you and that he alone has your best interests at heart, its a you and he against the world scenario?. I also think he has taken your good nature and has used that against you as well, he can and has played you like a violin here because he is really that good a manipulator.

You certainly do have issues relating to low self worth, self esteem and codependency. Those and your continuing relationship with this man will be your ultimate downfall.

Many many people do not go through life at all without any problems but your role here is still not to rescue and or save them from their own selves.

I maintain that this individual targeted you and deliberately so because he sensed your vulnerabilities and has honed in on these accordingly. Such manipulative men can and do oh so very easily manoeuvre their chosen target into believing only what is being told by him.

Lipsy

A codependent relationship will do you no favours at all as you have already seen. I would certainly encourage you to read "Codepedent No More" written by Melodie Beattie and love your own self for a change. At least you are considering a counsellor and that is a good start.

I also think your outwardly previous tough attitude hid your otherwise low self worth and self esteem. Many supposedly tough women face very similar problems re inherent low self worth.

Listen to your mum and dad, who sound like they love you and are worried. This guy sounds like a loser

I think you need to listen to your parents and your friends and stop making excuses for a pathetic waste of space.

Hello OP I've been in the same situation as your parents. Standing by and biting my lip while desperately worried and unhappy at an adult child's choices.

It's very hard from that perspective because you don't know what might happen in the long run and above all you don't want to alienate your very much loved child

I don't think anyone posts on threads like yours for shits and giggles, I really don't, but your and our perceptions are very far apart.

Sometimes we make wrong choices because the drive to be a good person is so strong, but please protect yourself and figure out that the advice from the people who really love and care for you is pretty consistent. It's not a telling off, it's an adult to adult wake up call.

Having different incomes is not an issue.
How you manage that issue makes all the difference.
Do you end up paying for him by default?
I.e, do you end up paying his share simply so you both can actually do something together, to avoid ending up watching tv every night?

Having co-dependency and substance abuse issues within an already 'unbalanced' situation only makes things worse.
He's essentially saying that he needs you to 'rescue' him - you can't.

Op please don't think that he is as good as it gets. I am severely disabled, chronically ill, but still managed to meet my lovely, kind, gentle and loving husband. My husband would never hurt me or put me through what this man has put you through! I know how hard it is, I know that you think that nobody else will want you because of your health issues! That's why you are holding fast onto a floundering and emotionally destructive relationship. This man is not your friend! He doesn't love you! He doesn't care a jot about the pain and suffering he has caused you! He chose to behave the way he has, at a time when you should be in the 'honeymoon' stage of your relationship. If he treats you with such disdain now, then years down the line, with possible weight gain/ appearance changes due to illness/ pregnancy/ ageing he will drop you like a hot set of coals and discard you like you are nothing to him. Your friends and parents see this! Please listen! To stay in this awful relationship is a form of self destruction/ self harm. You are thirty one years old, not twenty one, you don't have time for self destruction! Not if you want to find a man who truly deserves you and settle down to start a family!

My brother is very like the man you describe, he has just dumped his long term partner of four years, because he met a woman on a night out and had never felt that way before, giving him a realisation that whilst he 'loved' his long term partner, he wasn't 'in love' with her. He has treated a series of exes in the same way, behaving appallingly with alcohol issues and dragging these women down until he found a new 'codependent' to focus his energies on. You are nothing more than a stop gap until he finds something better! He like my brother is incapable of caring about/ loving anyone other than himself.

Please detach from this man, get as far away from him as possible! Then look into counselling to explore why you would allow anyone to hurt you like this! I wonder if the freedom program covers co dependency? That is something to explore!

You said "I do believe people can make mistakes at times when faced with stress etc and change. This is why I feel he can change. He certainly knows and admits to where he went wrong."

That's a good thing, he can learn from this and do better in his future relationships. If you have him back then you are teaching him something completely different. Don't do it. Let the sadness you feel be a short term thing that ends, rather than a life of misery with this man.

You sound like a couple of 16 year olds from the posts. If you start acting like an adult then your parents will start treating you like one. The first step is to dump your waste of space boyfriend.

The thing is, it isn't just self destruct. It destroys YOU too.

I spent 8 years thinking I could support someone who, with their own demons, used drink and drugs. I did eventually realise that the only long term difference I was making was to myself. And it wasn't good.

Lispy Its not the done thing to advance search posters but I recognized your name from some of your older threads. You have contradicted yourself quite a bit - I totally get changing details to help retain anonymity and I do the same myself but I think you've only given a tiny snapshot of the situation in this thread and some of the details you've tweaked or omitted are significant.

It's an absolute train crash of a relationship and I literally can't understand why you would stay with him. It all sound very dramatic. Sometimes you have to take some responsibility over your own actions.

He is a nasty, cheating, manipulative 25 year old ex Coke head who's been 'diagnosed' with a cannibis addiction. It doesn't sound like a good choice for a life partner and future father of your kids

You can end it or you can carry on as you are. 🤷🏻‍♀️ You can post about it as much as you like and analyze the 'relationship' to within an inch of its life if you want but it's pointless. It won't change anything. The guys a shit.

You are the poster from another thread about speaking to your abusive partner’s ex aren’t you?

You spoke to his ex, found out he had abused her too, had her help to get away from him then got back with him and painted her black....

He is abusive. He didn’t have a 3 month blip, he abused his ex just like he abuses you.

Of course your parents and friends can’t just sit back and watch you rewrite history just to continue harming yourself by being with him!

Listen to what your parents are saying. My ex boyfriend had a problem with weed, didn't work and sponged off me ( have posted about it on here). My parents told me time and time again that he was no good and I could do so much better.

I buried my head in the sand because I loved him and also because I suppose a part of me wanted to save him I suppose. I wish I'd listened a lot sooner as if I'm honest the relationship damaged me.