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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Telling off from my parents at age 31

68 replies

Lipsy21 · 05/10/2017 16:22

Hi everyone, I posted yesterday, regarding my current relationship status.
My parents are pretty protective over me because of my health problems and also because they saw me hurt during the three months of my partners "self destruct" episode. Which ended up with us having a break. He has health problems too and ended up constantly on canabis during this time, was on tinder etc and I hated him for it all. He finally saw his wrong doings and came back begging and pleading.

He has often said my parents make him feel like he will never be good enough. That hurts me as my parents brought me up to be non judgemental (he has had a bit of a bad past). My parents confessed they have never liked him and when we were on our break they were delighted.

I'm really close with my parents and basically today I felt like I was in an interview. They sat and said they are worried, they despise my partner and don't want me getting back with him. That he is a loser and will hurt me again etc. The exact phrase used was "you're selling yourself short". It was like a proper telling off.Hmm I ended up in tears and said I love him etc. I feel as though I'm very much torn here. My friends now hate him too after his 3 months of self destruct. So I'm in a place where I have nobody to talk to.

I probably sound pathetic :(

OP posts:
eyebrowsonfleek · 05/10/2017 17:41

You can forgive him for his 3 month bender and still decide not to date him. I believe that addicts are told not to date when getting clean.

WombOfOnesOwn · 05/10/2017 17:45

Your parents are right.

I've never seen the "begging, pleading" type suddenly make a change unless they've been totally open afterward, making clear conscious changes immediately that then don't go away. If your partner had done that, you'd have told us, but you didn't.

From your parents' perspective, your friends' perspective, and ours here as MN posters, frankly, it sounds like this:

"My partner cheated and abused drugs but he cried and emotionally manipulated me until I stopped listening to my own self-respect and self-worth and decided I was obligated to give it another try."

His sadness and misery does not constitute any reason to stay with him. None whatsoever. You are viewing yourself like you're a supporting cast member for him, and like if he is enough of a good boy he should be rewarded.

Consider picturing yourself in the starring role instead -- you and your child. It's not about whether he's remorseful or how his emotions are working right now. It's about whether your life is going to be better in 10 years if he stays in it.

How many more of these episodes are you willing to tolerate, with him coming back begging each time? It won't be just the once, you know. With these types, there's always a cycle.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/10/2017 18:01

When all of the people who love you the most tell you straight to your face what a loser your partner is, you would be wise to listen. From everything YOU have written, even total strangers can see what an awful decision you're making by being with him. How bad do things have to get before you take the blinders off? You're not a foolish, love-sick teenage girl, you're a 31 year old woman. Surely you have better judgement than this?

Evelynismyspyname · 05/10/2017 18:04

If you had a daughter would you want her to grown up to be with a man just like the one you describe in your opening post?

Original poster
Lipsy21 · 05/10/2017 18:04

@ellapaella thank you, wow sounds like you've been through it. Glad to hear it's all worked out.
I actually feel like I'm behaving like a 15 year old and never thought in my life I'd end up in this situation at 31. Just shows it can happen at any age really.

OP posts:
Haffiana · 05/10/2017 18:09

If you had a daughter and she was with a tosspot like that, what would you say to her?

PovertyJetset · 05/10/2017 18:09

A lot of poatwrs have asked you the same question so I'll bold it for you.

what advice would you give a friend or a future daughter who was in your shoes right now?

Sometimes love isn't enough.

Give him space to get better, set yourself free and if in a year he's come good, then you can reevaluate.

31 is young!

I got married at 30, child when I was 34 and it's all fine.

Your parents make a valid point, don't dismiss it.

PovertyJetset · 05/10/2017 18:10

Bold fail. Blush

A lot of poatwrs have asked you the same question so I'll bold it for you.
what advice would you give a friend or a future daughter who was in your shoes right now?

Sometimes love isn't enougH

AJPTaylor · 05/10/2017 18:12

you have already said your parents are non judgemental.
you have to ask why they have taken it on themselves to speak to you this forcefully.
fwiw i have honestly only done that once. and that was a friend married to a destructive man. i basically said that i couldnt look back and wished i had said something but didnt.
when sound people who love you speak, please listen

PaintingOwls · 05/10/2017 18:14

I'm sorry, but so what if you love him? From what you have said I too would be extremely worried and disappointed if my daughter ended up with someone like that.

AdalindSchade · 05/10/2017 18:15

You parents didn’t attack you they care about you. They can see what you can’t yet which is that your relationship is a disaster.

HazelBite · 05/10/2017 18:45

My parents said their "piece" about my exH, they could see what i couldn't, no actually didn't , want to see . Of course they were right.
If your parents and your friends are people you respect, why can you not respect their opinion.
My DC's are all adults and it is heartbreaking watching them doing things you know are disastrous and you have to be there to provide support from the fallout.
Put yourself in their shoes they have been there for you and now are watching you, age 31, just going back for what will inevitably be more of the same. You thought it felt like you were being told off, I'm sure they felt like shouting at you in frustration.
You are being very blinkered.
Is there anyone close to you OP who thinks that getting back with him is a good idea?

Winebottle · 05/10/2017 18:46

I consider doing something your parents are disappointed with for the first time a rite of passage. Making your own decisions, independently of your parents is part of being an adult. You are 31. It's your life. Make your decision, own it and don't worry about how your parents feel about it.

Your parents aren't telling you off. They are giving you advice, which as a 31 year old you are free to ignore. I wouldn't listen much to what me or other mumsnet users say in regards to going back to him because we don't know you or your situation. However, your family and friends do and if all their advice is pointing in one direction, I would give that a lot of weight.

BeatriceBeaudelaire · 05/10/2017 18:50

The cannabis and tinder stuff sounds like my sister. Everyone else can see that over time he will make her deeply unhappy and she is settling because she wants to be loved. She can’t see this.
Obviously you’re not the same person and the situation could be entirely different, but I’d take my families word on board. You don’t have to leave him but those of us not blinded by love can often see quite how much of a cunt people are. He’s a bastard and you refuse to see it. Probably tell everyone about how hurt or painful he makes your life but won’t leave him and people are sick of it .

2014newme · 05/10/2017 18:54

They are right. You're lucky to have people who care about you enough to tell you straight

Spookle · 05/10/2017 19:53

If this is the man that most of your previous threads are about then listen to them and please get yourself away from him.

Please do not have a child with this man, for their sake (the child's) as well as your own.

Original poster
Lipsy21 · 05/10/2017 20:52

Thank everyone. Really appreciate everyone's advice. It's not easy but I know it's time to work towaRds getting away from him. I suppose part of me is codependant due to my illness, and having surgeries coming up etc it's a frightening time. I don't want to sound nasty but he has always been there when it comes to supporting me in hosp etc, when some friends wouldn't even come to visit me due to various reasons. That probably makes me want to stay more tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lipsy21 · 05/10/2017 20:54

Just want to clarify. I have only posted once before this. Last nights post.

OP posts:
SonicBoomBoom · 05/10/2017 21:01

You've posted loads about him Hmm

I'm starting to think that you're almost revelling in everyone's disappointment. If you don't get out, you're walking into this with your eyes wide open. That's your choice, of course.

Original poster
Lipsy21 · 05/10/2017 21:05

@sonicboomboom absolutely no way am I revelling in any of this at all. This is a very real problem for me and I am not coping well at all. Hence the reason Ive been on here asking for help

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 05/10/2017 21:05

Don’t use your illness as an excuse to stay with a loser.

Gunpowder · 05/10/2017 21:09

I feel for you. It's horrid when someone isn't treating you well but you love them. And it's complicated when despite their faults they still have good qualities, like being there for you in hospital. Sad

There's the oft-quoted Maya Angelou advice: 'When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.'
I don't think your parents are being judgemental, I think they are being clear sighted and want to protect you from someone who has treated you badly and made you very miserable in the past. It sounds like they love you very much.

SonicBoomBoom · 05/10/2017 21:13

Do you work, Lipsy?

PovertyJetset · 05/10/2017 21:25

Youre worth more than some deadbeat who can show up at hospital.

Ask your friends, be specific, say "I've got a stay in hospital for xx days, do you think you could come and relieve me of my boredom and rock up for a visit?"

Your parents must give you some support here too?

Original poster
Lipsy21 · 05/10/2017 21:27

@SonicBoomBoom yes and financially I am secure just incase you are thinking I am staying with him for money. He hasn't got any money and is not financially secure. I suppose that could be another red flag there.

OP posts: