Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Selfish attitude to vasectomy

58 replies

MrsMuddlePluck · 03/10/2017 13:10

Just had coil removed. At 53 I'm now menopausal (hopefully) & it turns out we've probably been having unprotected sex for 8-10 years (long story - tell you later!).

I've had 3 son's, all teenage or older; been through breast cancer treatment & about 10 surgeries to rectify breast issues in the last 13 years.

When I suggested we might need to use condoms or consider a vasectomy 'Just in case ' as GP says you can never be sure about these things - his response was to say that I could just have an abortion if I got pregnant & if I died he'd trade me in for a younger model if he wanted more kids because that's an option for him.

So if he died, I have no options as I'm old, decrepit & infertile (That's how he made me feel).

Is having a V really that traumatic for men nowadays & given that he's a selfish pig for saying what he did (tongue in cheek or otherwise) is it reasonable to expect him to do his bit now?

OP posts:
KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 03/10/2017 13:12

His comments are disgusting but you can't make somebody have an operation they don't want.

He has two options
Condom
Or no sex.

Changedname3456 · 03/10/2017 13:26

I had a vasectomy after my second child. It was uncomfortable for a day or two but otherwise ok.

Some men do have problems afterwards - phantom pain, inability to have erections - and that shouldn't be ignored.

Not should his attitude to you though! Bloody awful, even if it was a "joke." And good luck to him if he's really going to want more kids in his sixties.

gamerchick · 03/10/2017 13:29

How have you been having unprotected sex all that time?

Truth is you can make him have the OP but you can refuse sex without a condom.

Just have an abortion indeed!... knob!

gamerchick · 03/10/2017 13:30

*cant

MyBrilliantDisguise · 03/10/2017 13:30

I don't understand why he would need a vasectomy if you're 53 now. Do you think you might get pregnant? The GP can do a blood test to check whether you're still ovulating.

But his attitude is really horrible. Is he normally like that? If so I'd rather spend my precious life without him.

strongasmeringue · 03/10/2017 13:31

He's disgusting. It's not tongue in cheek at all.

MissConductUS · 03/10/2017 13:38

It's quite minor surgery and the rate of complications is extremely low.

Is it common for British men to be this contemptuous of women or am I just hearing about a skewed sample on MN?

Shoxfordian · 03/10/2017 13:41

Why would you ever have sex with him again after that?

cowbag1 · 03/10/2017 13:44

Well I think he's solved the contraception problem as total abstinence would be my preference after that bullshit.

LadyLapsang · 03/10/2017 13:46

If you are 53 and menopausal then the chances of you becoming pregnant, let alone carrying a baby to term would be pretty small. However, I agree its not a risk to take. I don't think he should have a vasectomy if he doesn't want one for what will be about a year of contraceptive cover (& remember he has to wait until he has had the test afterwards to make sure it has worked) - it would be different if you were younger and years of fertility ahead. So, condoms or no sex.

whatsthecomingoverthehill · 03/10/2017 13:46

It's quite minor surgery and the rate of complications is extremely low.

There seems to be debate on that. Some claim 10% rate of complications.

But the OPs husband is still a massive twat.

NoCryLilSoftSoft · 03/10/2017 13:47

Well surely his comments are as good a contraceptive as any!! Shock you can't seriously imagine yourself having sex with someone so unpleasant. What is there that would attract you enough to have sex with him?

Loopytiles · 03/10/2017 13:48

His comment was horrible, but YABU to expect him to have a vasectomy. It’s his body and fertility and his choice. Men often have fertility for far longer, although it does decline significantly.

If at 53 you’ve not become pregnant in ten years without effective contraception then pregnancy seems very unlikely, but YANBU to insist on condom use if you don’t want to use a coil any longer and can’t use hormonal contraception.

Bananmanfan · 03/10/2017 13:49

Vasectomy aside, he sounds like a total arse. You can do much better, op.

shushpenfold · 03/10/2017 13:49

I'd vote for no sex ever again personally.Hmm

shushpenfold · 03/10/2017 13:49

Oh, and that was whether he had the snip or not.

outabout · 03/10/2017 13:51

With comments like that you should offer to do the vasectomy on your 'DH' yourself, with a bread knife perhaps.
With a decent surgeon and paracetemol it is usually a couple of days discomfort.

FrostyPopThePenguinLord · 03/10/2017 13:53

If you have had several children already and the various trials that presents to your body, I don't think a vasectomy is really too much of an ask. He is perfectly happy for you to suffer the consequences of pregnancy in the past and in the unlikely even of becoming pregnant again an abortion!
Complications of a vasectomy such as phantom pains and difficulty with erections are bound to be unpleasant I totally agree...I think the complications of child birth are much more likely, the tearing, the potential incontinence, the back pain, the prolapse, C section complications I could go on....
That being said his body his choice....it's also your choice what you put in your body....like his willy...I've heard wonderful things about the electronic devices you can buy instead if he is being stubborn and refusing to wrap it up...

ShatnersWig · 03/10/2017 13:56

It's quite minor surgery and the rate of complications is extremely low.

The official statistic is that 10% have complications but there's been debate on it relatively recently and some think it is higher.

There have been people who have suffered very serious complications. Indeed, there used to be a poster on MN who was in permanent pain following vasectomy and it had pretty much ruined his marriage.

I know of some people who have had long term complications and as such I do feel those who minimise the risks or say "it's just a snip" or "it's selfish not to have it" are being blase about OTHER people's bodies.

Same as with anything else - his body, his choice.

Doesn't mean he's not an arse for the attitude he expressed though.

Mittens1969 · 03/10/2017 14:02

What an awful thing for him to say, definitely not a ‘joke’, I wouldn’t want to go near him. Is he in the habit of making jokes like that?

I don’t see why he would need a vasectomy, though, as you’re 53 and menopausal and apparently have been having unprotected sex for 10 years without you getting pregnant. It hardly seems likely it will happen now. But you can insist on a condom, or abstinence in view of his horrible comments.

SensitiveOldAgeGuy · 03/10/2017 14:48

Having a vasectomy, can indeed, be a traumatic event. It is a more or less permanent, deliberate destruction of a bodily function.
Menopause for a woman, OTOH, is a natural event. Some have difficulty coming to terms with it.
Men do not have any clear-cut change of reproductive ability.
This is the biological reality, I am afraid.

FizzyGreenWater · 03/10/2017 14:50

What a fucking horrible man!!

My response would be along the lines of 'We'll I'm glad we've resolved this one- those comments have ensured that we won't be having sex or indeed any relationship in future, so no need for vasectomy. Better get on with the finding a mug 20 years younger bit though, or you're going to end up fairly lonely is imagine. Byeeee!'

Santawontbelong · 03/10/2017 14:52

Sounds like a fab excuse - for you - to avoid having sex with such a twat for the rest of time.

Piratesandpants · 03/10/2017 15:05

Dear God, why don't you just get rid of him and yourself someone.... nice???

Isetan · 03/10/2017 16:42

As shocking as his respose was, I suspect that his twatishness isn’t a recent development. If this isn’t a one off, maybe it’s time to start viewing every shitty thing he does as part of a pattern and not as an isolated incident.