Selfish attitude to vasectomy

[MrsMuddlePluck]

Just had coil removed. At 53 I'm now menopausal (hopefully) & it turns out we've probably been having unprotected sex for 8-10 years (long story - tell you later!).

I've had 3 son's, all teenage or older; been through breast cancer treatment & about 10 surgeries to rectify breast issues in the last 13 years.

When I suggested we might need to use condoms or consider a vasectomy 'Just in case ' as GP says you can never be sure about these things - his response was to say that I could just have an abortion if I got pregnant & if I died he'd trade me in for a younger model if he wanted more kids because that's an option for him.

So if he died, I have no options as I'm old, decrepit & infertile (That's how he made me feel).

Is having a V really that traumatic for men nowadays & given that he's a selfish pig for saying what he did (tongue in cheek or otherwise) is it reasonable to expect him to do his bit now?

If the NHS's rate of 10% incidence of PVPS is correct, either their surgical training or technique or both are grossly deficient. The comparable rate in the US is 1-2%.

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4854072/

Although rare, patients may experience chronic scrotal content pain following a vasectomy. The 2012 American Urological Association (AUA) guideline for vasectomy which was updated in 2015 states that 1–2% of men who undergo a vasectomy will develop chronic scrotal pain that is severe enough to interfere with their quality of life and require medical attention.

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Perhaps you haven't adopted the minimally invasive no-scalpel vasectomy technique yet. You can come here and have it done while on holiday. It's always good to see a Brit in the waiting room.

God he’s a prick.

Arguably, it’s not necessary for either of you to undergo permanent and risky sterilisation; regardless of the risks for each. You’ve been having unprotected sex for 8 years and you haven’t got pregnant, you’re 53 and you’re menopausal. The chances of pregnancy are slim.

His comments were harsh and unnecessary though, and that’d be something I’d struggle to work through. He seems to be already planning more children.

It’s worth considering the PPs point about why you want him to have a vasectomy; because although they phrased it awfully, your post can be read as if you think he owes you to level the playing field. That’s not a healthy viewpoint; but I’m not convinced this is a healthy relationship overall.

Awful comments but I agree the vasectomy is secondary here.

No man should have a vasectomy unless he is sure he never wants to have more children, be they with his current partner or any future partner as life doesn't always play fair! Reversal is unreliable and the success rate is, I believe, inversely proportional to the lenght of time since the proceedure was performed.

My vasectomy was unpleasant but not dreadful. I suffered referred pain during the proceedure then had about 10 days of discomfort and swelling followed by around 6 weeks where if you forgot and stepped off a high kerb or took 2 steps at once then you regretted it for a few minutes. I.e. it took about 2 months to be totally back to normal. So in the grand scheme of things even if it wasn't a big deal.

Is it common for British men to be this contemptuous of women or am I just hearing about a skewed sample on MN?

Where did the op say he was British?

Dear MrsMuddlePluck
You say
I've had 3 sons,.... been through breast cancer .. & 10 surgeries to rectify breast issues in the last 13 years.
I sympathise with you for your battle-damage.
Are the three sons his sons? If not, he may well want the option of starting over some time in the future.
and So if he died, I have no options as I'm old, decrepit & infertile (That's how he made me feel).
He did not say that at all. You have come to feel that way yourself.

You need to come to terms with your life situation. Whatever he has said, he is still there, and it seems you have a sex-life. To all those who are saying "Tell him No Sex", I would say, "Jump into this century. Mrs MP would be denying herself sex as well"
TheNaze73 has offerred the most sensible advice so far.

Tbh really honest, whether he should have a vasectomy or not isn't the issue here.
The issue, the ONE MASSIVE ISSUE is the way he has talked to the OP.
Contempt, no respect at all, no kindness or thought for what she has gone through etc etc.

I have to say, I would really have a long hard look at my marraige if my H was talking to me in this way. Joke or not.

It's worth noting too that he is refusing CONDOMS too.
There are no side effects to condoms....

And I'm sorry but even if you consider that a vasectomy has a 'high'risk of complications, his answers is still really really crap.

His dw has had her share of Health related problems and he is basically saying that he is happy for her to take the risk of having some MORE interventions?
He is not considering condoms saying he could just swap her for a new model??
In effect, he is refusing to take any responsibility in contraception at all.

And somehow, it's the OP who is seeing problems when there aren't any and she should be aware of the all the high risks he would be taking.
Bollocks.

The OP’s husband is massively out of order. The comments were horrible, and refusing to use condoms is ridiculous.

But it’s his body, and no-one, no matter what they have done or said, should ever be coerced into surgery they don’t want. The arguments about risks are immaterial.