Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Selfish attitude to vasectomy

58 replies

MrsMuddlePluck · 03/10/2017 13:10

Just had coil removed. At 53 I'm now menopausal (hopefully) & it turns out we've probably been having unprotected sex for 8-10 years (long story - tell you later!).

I've had 3 son's, all teenage or older; been through breast cancer treatment & about 10 surgeries to rectify breast issues in the last 13 years.

When I suggested we might need to use condoms or consider a vasectomy 'Just in case ' as GP says you can never be sure about these things - his response was to say that I could just have an abortion if I got pregnant & if I died he'd trade me in for a younger model if he wanted more kids because that's an option for him.

So if he died, I have no options as I'm old, decrepit & infertile (That's how he made me feel).

Is having a V really that traumatic for men nowadays & given that he's a selfish pig for saying what he did (tongue in cheek or otherwise) is it reasonable to expect him to do his bit now?

OP posts:
AdoraBell · 03/10/2017 16:47

Those comments would be a deal breaker for me.

GiantSteps · 03/10/2017 16:50

Well, his response to you would be the ultimate contraception if I were you.

PoorYorick · 03/10/2017 18:52

I wouldn't need contraception if I were married to such a pig.

Original poster
MrsMuddlePluck · 03/10/2017 21:26

gamerchick in answer to your question - I've had a mirena coil since DS3 was born. He's now nearly 15 & I've never had it changed (didn't actually know I should have - I got reminders for checks but never suggested I should change it as the hormones would have run out). Turns out it has no hormone release after 5 years & the coil being plastic means it doesn't have any effect. Big oops.

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 03/10/2017 21:32

MissConductUS
It's quite minor surgery and the rate of complications is extremely low.

Please read up the facts about this.

BoneyBackJefferson · 03/10/2017 21:33

MrsMuddlePluck

I think that you should be more worries about his attitude towards you.

grannytomine · 03/10/2017 21:37

Not nice thing for him to say but I used to work with a man who had terrible complications and to add insult to injury it didn't work. I have worked with lots of men who had a vasectomy with no problems so I know the chances are he would be OK but I can understand him not wanting it.

Josuk · 03/10/2017 21:41

OP - I don’t know how he said it and what portion of that was a joke.

However, it is also not fair to use your medical history, no matter how sad it is (and I am sorry you had to go through all of that) - as an argument for him to have a vasectomy.
An operation that carries risks - ED being one of them.

An operation that is highly highly unlikely to be necessary, given both your age and your medical history.

You’ve been having unprotected sex for years and didn’t get pregnant. You are of an age where even with IVF - and multiple rounds of it, you are not likely to fall pregnant.
And cancer treatments must have also contributed to it.
So - really. I don’t know what your GP was thinking in telling you what he did.
A simple blood test can tell you a lot.

Unless you are looking for a reason to be angry at your H, or to take out your frustration on him - why would you make an issue from this?

If - and we all can have it happen to us - say a car hits you tomorrow. (Or you die some other way) - you H’s ability to have more children is HIS right. Not for you to judge it.

Can it be that you are feeling low and vulnerable for some reason and taking this as an excuse to let it out, and be angry at him (or life in general)?

YorkieDorkie · 03/10/2017 21:44

Wow I'd be seeing that conversation as a massive eye-opener OP. What a twat.

Ttbb · 03/10/2017 21:49

Vasectomies are reversible these days. Abortions on the other hand are not. If he doesn't want to get a vasectomy you'll just have to use condoms.

BoneyBackJefferson · 03/10/2017 21:57

Ttbb
Vasectomies are reversible these days

A vasectomy is considered a permanent method of birth control.

Josuk · 03/10/2017 22:01

Vasectomies are reversible - sure.
Chronic pain, and erectile dysfunction is not.

What are the stats on 53yos getting pregnant?

deepestdarkestperu · 03/10/2017 22:02

His comments are appalling.

But if you’ve been having unprotected sex for years and haven’t fallen pregnant, plus you’re menopausal, why do you feel he needs to have a vasectomy?

Runaways01 · 03/10/2017 22:18

So you basically want your husband to have a vasectomy as some sort of punishment/evening up the score? And to make sure he’ll never have more kids if anything happened to you? That’s what I call selfish. Given your age there’s really no need for him to have a vasectomy. You’d be subjecting him to an unnecessary medical procedure with a real risk of causing lifelong pain. Why would you do that to someone you supposedly love?

FastWindow · 03/10/2017 22:23

Blimey run that's taking not reading the op to a whole new level. I take it you like playing Doom on your own?

Ops dp's comments is all the contraception she needs, frankly.

Lunde · 03/10/2017 22:42

Wow Runaway that is a very selective reading of OP - she suggested condoms or a vasectomy - I don't where you got the whole punishment idea Confused

I don't really see why OP's partner should not take his turn taking responsibility for contraception (doesn't have to be a vasectomy) rather than wanting OP to have surgery that would be traumatic for her

At least his attitude ensures that the contraception issue is solved as I cannot imagine OP will want to sleep with someone so crass

Although pregnancies among older women are not so common - the latest figures show that over 2000 babies are born to women over 45

MissConductUS · 03/10/2017 23:47

*It's quite minor surgery and the rate of complications is extremely low.

Please read up the facts about this.*

I have. I've also worked in health care for many years.

The surgery is done outpatient, with a local anesthetic and the patient is generally done in less than an hour. That's minor surgery.

As to the complication rate, you have to compare it to the closest equivalent alternative, which is tubal ligation for the woman in the relationship:

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19643235

Urol Clin North Am. 2009 Aug;36(3):331-6. doi: 10.1016/j.ucl.2009.05.009.

Risks and complications of vasectomy.

Adams CE1, Wald M.

Abstract

Vasectomy is a safe and effective procedure for permanent contraception. Vasectomy is 30 times less likely to fail and 20 times less likely to have postoperative complications than its gynecologic counterpart. Complications from vasectomy are rare and minor in nature. Immediate risks include infection, hematoma, and pain. Complications seldom lead to hospitalization or aggressive medical management.

--------

All medical risks are relative. Doing nothing has risks as well, like forcing the woman through a geriatric pregnancy. If you don't want the surgery that's your choice, but base your decision on actual medical research and not anecdotal evidence and hysterical websites.

BoneyBackJefferson · 04/10/2017 07:03

MissConductUS

Good to know that the NHS website is a hysterical one.

Complications from vasectomy are rare and minor in nature.

I (and others) don't consider one in ten to be rare
Long term irreversible pain is minor? but then I suppose that it is "relative" if you are the not suffering from it.

PaintingByNumbers · 04/10/2017 07:13

His comments are horrible, but in all honesty, it is unreasonable to ask him to have a vasectomy now - you are 53, not got pregnant in ten years of unprotected sex, it has a risk of permanent damage (yes, a v small risk, but why take it?). Condoms, sure, why not, or you could get another coil?

scaevola · 04/10/2017 07:14

This isn't about vasectomy though, is it?

(And yes, the NHS website is accurate on 1:10 for the serious side effects, and PVPS is pretty much untreatable).

If he doesn't want a vasectomy, it's his body, his choice.

But he should not be mentioning termination like this - because that is your body, your choice.

And that makes his other comment sound brutal. (Even though it's actually OK to work through the idea of 'are there any circumstances under which I might want further DC?' and if the answer is 'yes' then surgery to remove fertility has to be ruled out).

You can take turns in reversible contraception but there is no turn taking in sterilisation.

Respect for bodily autonomy is however not the same as respect for the person, when the person is talking to you in such a horrible way.

This really won't be an isolated incident of brutal speech. How else does it manifest itself?

MaisyPops · 04/10/2017 07:19

His comments about a younger model and abortion were out of order, but his logic is reasonable.
Something could happen to you. He isn't at the point where he is willing to accept no children under any circumstance. YABU to expect him to have surgery he doesn't want.
Just like the right to choose an abortion is a woman's right even though its 2 people's baby, a vasectomy is a mans right.

TheNaze73 · 04/10/2017 07:49

Sounds like a very lame attempt of humour which has hugely backfired. Any operation with such a big % risk like vasectomy need to be considered very carefully but, would be a better choice than reverting to the dreaded condoms.
Maybe just avoid PIV for a bit.
He’s a cock for saying what he said but, I doubt there was any malice in it

cooldarkroom · 04/10/2017 08:25

What about using a diaphragm ?

ScruffbagsRUs · 04/10/2017 08:27

Frosty
^I've heard wonderful things about the electronic devices you can buy instead if he is being stubborn and refusing to wrap it up...^

That'll be tasers, I guess Wink. A jolt to the groin with one of those beauties, would be enough to make a bloke behave..........unless the H is a closet Shaolin Monk (have you seen what those fellas put themselves through???)

Thebluedog · 04/10/2017 11:35

Shock wow what a horrid thing to say. Even in jest it's out of order.

Tbh he's solved the unwanted pregnancy issue with those comments. But if you do want to have sex with him after that I'd stick up on condoms

Swipe left for the next trending thread