How can I forgive my parents (especially my mum) so I can let go and move on. Life is too short!

[cupcakesmakeyouhappy]

I have always struggled to understand why I felt the way I did, becoming a young adult, right up until my late 30's. I have done alot of soul searching and realise that the reason was, being raised (step dad) by a narcissist has given rise to a belief throughout my life that I am just not “good enough”!
I have mental scars of my emotional abuse and emotionally absent parents. I thought I had self healed but obviously not.
I no longer have contact with my step dad. My mum has always been very self absorbed and allowed this emotional abuse to continue (maybe without knowing it would have consequences on my mental health later on in life) as he gave her everything she needed (big house, luxury holidays, a job within his company, money) to be happy.
I could go on to tell you about the emotional abuse (quite disturbing) but understand this post is long already.....
I'm still in contact with my parents (mum left step dad a couple of years ago and although both parents mum and real dad have deep regrets for decisions they made as parents, they're both still inconsistent and self absorbed)
It's like I have this inner broken child that can't forgive. The more I see them and although the past is in the past, they still do and say things that make me feel unimportant, uncared for. How can I forgive my parents (especially my mum) so I can let go and move on and accept this is them?
Like I said, I thought I had moved on but it seems the older I become and the older my dc's become the worse it feels.

You may find the book 'The Drama of Being a Child' by Alice Miller a useful read. It can bring up some discomfort.

I don't know how to watch this thread from my phone so am marking place for now. Will read tomorrow as I am in a similar state

I think slowly cutting contact will be for the best. I know it's hard at first but it will be worth it

[ssd] your words are so true and lovely 😊

Ssd - Firstly, I want to say. Ohhh ssd thankyou:) I felt quite emotional reading your message. You are so kind and tjoughtful to support me here. I cant explain how good that feels so thankyou :)
I have a vision, I suppose but I don't have a vision of a friends mum but I have a vision of what she should if been because I'm comparing it to how I am as a mum. I couldn't possibly write down what I feel about my mum's parenting or how she is now as a mother. I feel guilt for sometimes looking at her and not liking her. I sometimes can't look at her. I know she has regrets but in no way can she make up for her mistakes. She isn't capable. I have so many times believed she regrets decisions and wants to make up for thing and it doesnt happen or when I think she is, it never lasts. It's just cutting deeper into a wound.
Lovlies hi :) yes, have a read. Its been so comforting for me reading these messages. I hope it can help you too. If you want to share, Im here to chat :)
Bettyboop12 - yes, its what i have decided to do, thankyou :)

Beautifully put ssd. A small contribution in addition to your wise words is that I have tried to be the mother that I would have wanted/deserved.
to all of us who have broken/are breaking the cycle.

ssd true words.
Hi cupcake it's clear your not alone with shit parents.

I went no contact with both my parents as I started to realise they were both dreadfully selfish arseholes. I used to feel sorry for my mother though In some way as she had a terrible upbringing - but I started to realise that wasn't my fault and she was actually a nasty person and I didnt deserve it.

Going NC with my father was gradual - when I seen the love my dh had for our dc it really shone a light on how shite he really was too.

Walking away from them both gave me closure and power back. You don't have to have people in your life because your related to them.

Some times I feel pangs of guilt but it's a million times better than the frustration and anger and a host of other negative emotions I felt after talking to them or being around them.

It's really really hard, but at least they shown you how not to be as a parent ?? It's something I worked on very hard with my dc

Imonlyfuckinghuman - hello :) Im a great believer in surrounding yourself with people that build you up and not knock you down. Also, what energy you give out comes back to you. I'm always trying to stop and think of why the person is the way they are. My mum wasn't close to her mum. But, my mum chose to be absent, she chose her needs, my step fathers needs before anyone and not once learnt by any of her choices/mistakes. So, you are right it's not our fault.
You are very brave and it's only natural to have some forms of guilt, nice, caring humans do :)
I have not yet mentioned Christmas. My mum is seriously driving me crazy at the moment so I have completely distanced myself. Yesterday, I lost all of my uni work (retrieved it now thank god) and I was so stressed, upset, driving around trying to fix it. My dad was calling and calling. My daughter told him I was out and he was getting annoyed. She then called me upset so i called him and told him what was happening. I had lost months worth of work i had been working day and night on and he kept repeating he was coming over. I said im not home. But when will you be home. Kept on and on and not one bit of concern about my work. Sorry for long story but I was just trying to explain how they are. How do i get away from that? That's just one minor thing. My mum's selfishness is worse. I feel stronger today, than I did when I posted here, so that's a goid sign.
And you are right, Im not alone which helps but makes me sad for all of you. Take care of yourselves!

cup I'm glad you got your work back!

What do you feel when you think about what your SF did yesterday? He was harassing you and your daughter till you finally gave in to him. The fact he is now pushing his behaviour on to your child should make you start to think 'fuck you'..

Can you give example of your mother?

It's actually a lot easier than you think to go NC. It's actually staying NC that's the tricky part

Imonlyfuckinghuman - thanks :) Its my real father, yesterday. I have no contact with sf. He just doesn't think, that's his problem. He's always been in and out of my life.
It's difficult to give e samples because there are so many and without knowing the whole story, Im not sure I could put it accross properly. If you tell her something you are struggling with, her response will always be oh no nightmare. Never ever tries to comfort, help or guide in anyway. Or if you are telling her about some good, she half heartedly listens to you. Or will forget to ask how this went or how that went. In the past I have been the o e to cook. If we are going out for the day, I will pack the picnic. If I'm bust organising, doing dishes, she sits there. Doesn't make an effort with celebrations. It's like she doesn't want to be there or can't wait to go (usually to be with a man). Gives money because she can't be bothered to choose a gift. Tells me how she is dreading Christmas. She usually sleeps at mine whilst I wrap presents, plan exciting activities, whilst she sits there. All she wants to do is be with this guy. I am a strong person, as I have had to be, never rely on anyone because I have never been able to. Lately study has got on top of me and I got worried as I wasn't feeling good. Very anxious. Told my mum, I feel isolated, and I'm struggling to juggle. Her response was you can do it. You have for many years alone and then I didn't speak to her aha. That was 2 weeks ago. I text her in between to see if she wanted lunch out. She was going to see this guy. That was it for me. Since that I have posted here. There is so so much more but so difficult to explain. She hasn't seen my dd's. My youngest text her to ask to sleep (when my mum is single we see more of her) but the answer is no because she is not home. I completely agree my mum deserves a life but honestly, we are forgotten again until she is on her own. Even then she totally expects everyone and everything to be done for her.