How can I forgive my parents (especially my mum) so I can let go and move on. Life is too short!

[cupcakesmakeyouhappy]

I have always struggled to understand why I felt the way I did, becoming a young adult, right up until my late 30's. I have done alot of soul searching and realise that the reason was, being raised (step dad) by a narcissist has given rise to a belief throughout my life that I am just not “good enough”!
I have mental scars of my emotional abuse and emotionally absent parents. I thought I had self healed but obviously not.
I no longer have contact with my step dad. My mum has always been very self absorbed and allowed this emotional abuse to continue (maybe without knowing it would have consequences on my mental health later on in life) as he gave her everything she needed (big house, luxury holidays, a job within his company, money) to be happy.
I could go on to tell you about the emotional abuse (quite disturbing) but understand this post is long already.....
I'm still in contact with my parents (mum left step dad a couple of years ago and although both parents mum and real dad have deep regrets for decisions they made as parents, they're both still inconsistent and self absorbed)
It's like I have this inner broken child that can't forgive. The more I see them and although the past is in the past, they still do and say things that make me feel unimportant, uncared for. How can I forgive my parents (especially my mum) so I can let go and move on and accept this is them?
Like I said, I thought I had moved on but it seems the older I become and the older my dc's become the worse it feels.

cupcakes, I clicked on your thread because I am still wrestling with the same question myself. I won't go on because WellThisIsShit has written pretty much what I would have said, but the most important thing of all is that you need to get angry before you can forgive.

One thing which might be helpful though is to go back to writing a diary - I saw you said that you'd written one before. Sometimes putting things down on paper can be unexpectedly helpful, letting you see patterns you didn't know were there. And if you can't afford lots of therapy, or are waiting for it, it is a really good way of looking after yourself. I have done it for years and I almost always feel better afterwards, and when I don't I do usually have an idea of when I am upset.

Good luck.

greyfriarskitty - I hope this thread helps you in some way :) it's so difficult isn't it? This has helped and yes I think I might start doing that. I wrote a journal when my exh left and it did help.

thanks op

If you want to forgive - you don’t have to- perhaps the old idiom ‘to err is human, to forgive divine’, might soothe your soul a little x

Have you actually tried talking to them?. Perhaps see a counsellor to explore your feelings. If they are really utterly selfish and dont care for you or your grandchildren at all, at least tell them why you are not going to see them, say you want a couple of years off and see how it goes. Don't just Disappear.

why not?

why consider their feelings of they've never considered hers?

and sometimes talking is a waste of time as no one is listening...do you really think her parents would be devastated if the op said she didnt want to see them?........or would it all be about them and how unfair/ridiculous she is being.....

Sad
In answer to you post.
Why not absent yourself? Can give you a few reasons. People make mistakes, you have, I have. We are not perfect. Disappearing is cruel, her parents hurt her but did not intend to be cruel, there is a difference.
You assume parents are always in the wrong, not loving their child and getting things wrong put purposely trying to hurt her.i wonder if your child will judge you so harshly, because believe me, there is no such thing as a perfect parent or human being.
Family is important. Talking does help, choose your moment, make realistic demands and expectations. Perhaps limited contact might be best, who knows until you try. As I have said before, how you treat your parents is how your will learn to treat you. That is a fact.
Why consider their feelings when they haven't considered hers? That is a very sweeping and judgemental statement. You dont know the facts.
There is more to be gained by talking, than taking the cowards way out and going no contact, no parent wants to be estranged, they would have to be really weird to want that. What is the most memorable day of your life? The day you give birth. Same for all women and lots of us are not the natural parents we are all supposed to be, sometimes we mess up, just like some children. Bitterness eats you up, pointless.

If the parents have not been loving, kind and fair, as in this case, that advice is hogwash, at best.

Quelto4
I find it hard to believe that you've read the thread and can still write that. Terrible advice.

quelto84, I couldn't even finish reading your post, sorry. You are so wide of the mark it wasn't worth the effort.

Quelto4 - believe you me, going no contact is not the coward's way out.
Have you read the Stately Homes thread? Full of people who have been torn into pieces by the anguish of wanting a relationship with their parents and having to save their sanity.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Quelto4 firstly, ssd is right as I have made it know how much my past effected me and to a certain extent still does. So talking will not help here, its too late, Im trying to find a away of accepting and moving on. Finding a way of doing this that I am comfortable with.
Secondly, you're right in saying nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes but...we learn from them. But to say it's the cowards way out, you are the judgmental one here. I won't even begin to explain what I think of that statement!! You say disappearing is cruel?! What is cruel is the fact I was emotionally bullied by my step dad. Constantly told I would never amount to anything. I was too fat to sit in their car. Told to go to my room when he was home from work because it was his time. Not allowed in the house when they weren't home. Not allowed friends over. Not allowed to talk about my real dad around him. There is so much more. I was kicked out at 16 because I left my first job but got another 2 months later but wasn't allowed home. Stayed with a friend until I was 17 and that's when I met my first dd's father. I was 18 when I had my first dd and she was my reason for living. Instant love! Unfortunately her father was physically abusive and I begged my mum on many occasions to let me come home. Not to live just to be at home. I wasn't allowed. I spent Christmas with just me and dd every year. Dd always had a present from them but I wasn't allowed because it was too expensive. (both materialistic and had everything, holidays, big house, posh cars, and so on) I remember telling people I was going to family for Christmas and lie about presents I had because I was ashamed. I accepted that. I accepted everything because at the time it was normal. Some days I'd sit with the curtain closed all day, I'd call my mum crying. If he was home I'd know because she would hang up. I'd be praying he was out so she would pick up but even when she did she wouldn't come and see me or invite me down. They never babysat for me to go out with friends so eventually lost them too. I learnt to live with my mum this way. It was normal. Eventually I was allowed to the house but it was very controlled. On his terms and certain times. If I called my mum twice in one day he'd go mad. Mum was just his messenger. I just abided by the rules so I could have my mum but looking back I didn't have her. There is so much more that went on over the years. He would find something to stop talking to me and the cycle started again. It was just me and dd for a while until I met my two younger dd's father. Life got better but. My eldest dd no longer saw her father from the age of 2. She cant remember him. He was completely absent which in my opinion ion is better as no damage can be done. My eldest dd is the most beautiful young lady inside and out. With good morals and values. She kind and so caring. Our relationship has always been perfect. She often tells me im her queen. I made sure she had everything I didn't.
I have 3 dd's that are the world to me. That's why I question why and how when it comes to my upbringing.
I allowed my parents to treat me how they liked just because I needed them. I have been beaten emotion ally and let down so so much but I allowed it. I just wanted my mum. Over the years so much more has happened, too much to wrote and I no longer need my mum. The little girl inside me did for a very long time. As both parents continue to put their needs first and have no imterest in my life or my dd's, its like torture. So sorry for long post....
This post has helped me and I want to share why....
I realise my heart aches for that young girl growing up. I have learnt that if I now continue to look after me, everythi g I needed when o was younger, give that to myself and to a certain extent I do. Me and my dd's sit and eat tea as a family, we laugh of course we argue too. We have fun, we walk in the country. Recently took them to climb pen y fan and they weren't best pleased with me walking up but when we reached the top and saw the beautiful views they loved it. We have pamper nights, we have pizza nights, I make Christmas and birthdays happy and exciting so without even realising it. After reading here, I am healing than little girl within, I am making sure she is safe. And i did mount to something. Im a mum and a student mental health nurse (I chose it because my brother suffered so much from his upbringing, it was worse for him, my mum left him behind. He tried to take his own life. I have always been there for him and saw first hand his mental health difficulties. He is married with children now but I know he still suffers. My heart aches for that little 8 year boy old too) I have never looked at it this way before, its a fantastic way to look at it so thankyou so so much.

I do hope each and everyone of you find a way to heal. I have decided to slowly distance myself and have a distant relationship. Not be as emotional available. If they do happen to notice and ask why I will tell them but I don't think they will.

Cupcakes, I can fully see why you are struggling, you were so unlucky, it breaks my heart thinking of any child going through what you have. The fact that you have raised 3dd and have such a close bond shows your love, that you wouldn't let them suffer as you did. That hurt 8 year old inside you still hurts. So of course there are cases where there are just rotten parents, you and your brother are two of them. The love you have now is what matters, perhaps it is best to let the past lie, you seemed to have tried everything and it hasn't worked, you won't be alone like your mom will.
I have read the Stately Home thread, there are some very sad stories and damaged adults because of their upbringing or lack of it, I could also see a few grown up adults, with unrealistic expectations of parents, a sense of entitlement on some issues. I was a fortunate child, lovely parents, never met any one who didn't get on with their parents so that it was a problem, of course the odd disagreement that all teenagers have, but soon solved. No one should put up with abuse from anyone, we were made to feel our opinions counted and had our say that made us confident, we knew we were loved, like your children do. Cannot imagine how it must feel not to have that, be as kind to yourself as you would anyone else.

nice post Quelto4, I agree with you.

I think if you haven't suffered any of the things the op has its hard to even imagine it. But sometimes when you are suffering, the whole world seems to be doing great and you are so un-understood, it makes you feel so isolated and lonely. Op, you sound such a good mum and a thoroughly nice person. Your chosen profession sounds perfect for you. I hope you find peace, I think finding it is a journey and like all long journeys, takes time.

Interesting post op..watching with interest....also thou,how do you stop yrself from making the same mistakes...if yr not used to receiving unconditional love,how do you stop yrself being the same with yr kids..and why does it creep up on you with age?

Quelto4 - thankyou :)
Ssd - thankyou :) I try my very best. Thanks again, really appreciate your support and kind words.
MGKROCKS - stop yourself? Stop myself what? The only person effected by love is love for myself. I didnt know how to love me, praise myself, have confidence, I wasnt worthy of being loved. When I had my dd's it was instant love. Instant unconditional love. The desire to hold them, comfort them, keep them safe, make them happy, empower them with good morals and values, praise them to build self confidence, make memories. Everything came naturally to me. As time goes on I realise I don't have these things. It wasn't normal. More and more comes flooding back the more time goes on at different stages of parenthood. I can't understand my mother's decisions, her selfishness, coldness, unsoupportive and self absorbed ways! And it continues......

*as time went on, I didn't have these things...

Sorry for so many mistakes. I'm typing on my phone :)

Beautiful updates. The details of my story are different, but the general flow is the same. My parents were horrid, and I had to figure out how to make peace with that. Raising my own sweet daughters has been healing.

This quote earlier in the thread is spot on:
Letting go of ever expecting/hoping for their approval/affirmation/validation is very freeing. Rejecting the role (of being the child who looks after their emotions and makes everything ok for them) they mapped out for me is such a relief.

For me, this wasn't a one time decision, it was a process. I grieved not only my childhood but also that I would never have the kind of relationship with either parent that I longed for. For me, really grieving that loss was the first step to being able to set boundaries. Clear boundaries with my parents are necessary for me to have peace with my self and with my life.

A phrase I've used a lot and that may come in handy for you is, "I can see how you would feel that way. None the less, this is what I've decided to do." When I first started setting boundaries and they tried to push them, I just kept repeating this phrase. I got it from a book called "Toxic Parents."

As far as my sweet daughters, every stage they reach in life brings a fresh processing of what I didn't get as a child & teen. I parent them with unconditional love, with clear and honest guidance, and a solid sense that their lives and choices are their own. I choose my thoughts carefully. I focus on having the experience from the mother role and how beautiful it is that the family pattern is broken. I choose not to dwell on what it was like for me when I was in the daughter role, but what is it like for me now, what it is like for my DD now, and how lovely the future is.

Peace be the journey

CoyoteCafe - yes, I liked that quote too :) I'm grateful for so much from this post. It's like my mind has been refreshed. Not being able to talk about it has been difficult.
Can I ask how you went about setting your boundaries? You mentioned what you had learnt which sounds powerful in setting boundaries. So did you explain what your boundaries were to them? Do i tell my parents what im thinking/feeling and what i no longer want? My first boundary is going to be Christmas and im dreading it. Im feeling stronger after having the support here so hopefully I can do this. This post has also made me see a way of healing.
I'm so glad you are healing from your troubled past and yes, the future is lovely for you, for us, for us all that have suffered :)

I sat (and still sit!) boundaries very specifically, and I don't have conversations with my parents about what I think or feel. My parents are not capable of having conversations about my feelings -- I've tried it enough times to have given up on that. So on the Christmas thing, I would decide what I wanted to have happen this year, tell them what would happen, and then just keep repeating the phrase (I see how you could feel that way. None the less, this is what I've decided to do).

The first year, my DH wanted to stay home with our children and not have any visitors, so I told my parents that. Honestly, it was a huge deal and my mother acted like I was killing her. Several years later, and my parents know of a couple of restaurants that are open on Christmas and whatever my DH and I decide from year to year isn't a big deal.

The first time you set a boundary, it changes the rules of the game. They will (most likely) pull out all their tricks to get you to back down. However, every boundary you set and keep wears them down until eventually, you can just tell them something once and they know that's all there is to it.

So my advice is to figure out exactly what the boundary is before you talk to them, don't bring anything else into the conversation, and don't budge a single inch. Budging teaches them that this is a negotiation, a comprise. If they could comprise, you wouldn't have started this thread. Make sure you already have figured out Christmas eve and boxing day and new years day before you talk to them because those are obvious things for them to go for. Don't discuss next year with them. Just set one boundary.

I promise that it gets easier.

CoyoteCafe - ok, thankyou :) yes, I have to be strong here. If they ask why, I will just say 'I feel this is something I want to do this year!'
I know they will think something's up. It's out of the ordinary. This is why i have done it for so many years, not set boundaries because they will question it. I think im ready now. Im ready to put my feeling before theirs first. Thankyou:)

Good for you! The reason they ask is to they can flip it around and use it to get you to do what they want. It isn't because they genuinely care about what you want, what you need, or what is best for you. Your answer rocks! Just stick with it, and don't get into more specific whys

You go girl!

CoyoteCafe thankyou :)

i haven't read all the posts so sorry if I'm repeating.

One thing that seems to come out of a selfish parenting is people can grow up not knowing how to parent themselves. By this I mean emotionally in terms of keeping yourself safe and honouring/allowing your wants/needs.

Your boundaries are probably diminished having been crossed so many times at a time when you would have just accepted that your parents knew best. This stops your sense of self developing into a deep awareness of what is right and wrong for you and from that position it can be really hard to figure out what is best to do. Maybe often changing your mind or feeling wobbly your decisions.

You may well have an underdeveloped 'no' and find it very hard to say no to them because it will bring up guilt anxiety etc.

The problem with this, and I would say the reason you are still feeling broken, is you are now doing to yourself exactly what they did. You are now crossing your own innate boundaries (they are in there somewhere) without even realising. For example, getting yourself to do things by guilting yourself (saying to yourself 'I don't want to be like them' and then using that as a reason to invite them along is a form of guilting yourself).

I would say it's worth exploring how to honour yourself and work on really listening and developing that inner voice (not from your brain - from your gut/heart). iThis can take time - it may be a very quiet voice to start. You will know it as although it may be painful and it will also bring with it a sense of peace and subsequently acceptance.

Ultimately you will develop a deep sense of what is right and wrong for you and creating boundaries which are right for you becomes second nature.

op, I dont think this is about forgiveness. I think this is about you seeing your mum for the person she is. In your head you have an image of what a mum is like...probably like one of your childhood friends mums, someone you liked and wished your mum was like that. And you find it hard reconciling your image to the reality as its too painful. But if you look objectively at your mum, what do you see?

I think you need to forgive yourself, not your mum. She doesnt deserve your forgiveness or your sympathy. She wasnt a mother to you, and now you have kids that fact is reinforced to you every day. You have became the mother you longed for and never had. And to me that is a real triumph of spirit over adversity. That takes guts and strength. So forgive yourself for looking for something that wasn't there and pat yourself on the back for overcoming the odds and being a great mum and sister.

And cuddle your kids and tell them they are loved every day.