My husbands affair!

[Princesscharming]

I recently turned 40 and for my 40th birthday present I discovered my husband had been having an affair with someone 10 years younger than me and 20 years younger than him! This has floored my confidence (was already sensitive about turning 40) and left me gobsmacked that the man I thought I knew better than anyone else could do this to me. He claims it’s over and says it wasn’t a ‘big thing’ to him, just a silly mid life crisis. I have seen text message from him to her saying he loves her and he misses her and ‘his heart pines for her’ but yet he claims there was no physical contact. Not even hand holding. I don’t understand how you can love someone and not even have held their hand!
Anyway, he said it’s over and there has been no contact at all since I found out (he works with her) and that he wants me back.
I don’t know what to do, we have a 10 year old DD who loves her Dad BUT what if he does this again (i don’t trust him anymore). And I find out 5 yrs down the line when I’m 5 yrs older!
Throughout the duration of the affair he was awful to me. He’d shout at me and make me feel horrendous, I’d be obviously upset, crying etc and he would continue to say hurtful things. Since I have found out about the affair his personality has changed back to loving caring one.
I’m really confused, has anyone else been in the same situation?

Princesscharming

I'm so glad you are starting to see things clearly. You have been the subject of abuse. He is a liar. Him being nice to you now is part of the cycle of control.

Does he put you on a pedestal now? If you are put up high it is only a matter of time before he believes you have fallen, and then the shouting will begin again.

Get out and save yourself and your daughter from this. She will thank you in the long run, although it will be hard for a while.

Believe me, I spent 20 years with an emotionally and physically abusive man. It took me that long to believe I deserved a better life.

You deserve better. Take care

Yes, my ex had an affair with a woman at work but said no sex etc. and that he'd stop seeing her. All lies and about 4 months later we split up and 8 mo this after that, he wanted us to get back together.
Luckily for me, we didn't have kids so it was easy to say no to him and I got him to sign over the house to me and pay off my small credit card debts whilst he still thought he had a hope of returning.
I made a nice profit on the house sale the following year.
Revenge is a dish best served cold and all that.

Themuminator: thanks for your words of advice. I have never said this to anyone before, he has hit me in the face once and pushed me around into the wall, doors etc on two other occasions. He has no memory of this!!! Apparently! Three episodes of physical abuse and countless emotional abuse over a 14 year period. The more I talk about this the more the answer is becoming perfectly clear!!

Fluffy ninja: Glad you made a profit on your house sale! 😄

Oh OP that's just not right, you need to free yourself and your daughter of this life. Go and get some legal advice...free 30mins at a solicitors to know your rights etc... Try and tell someone in real life as well

It looks like you have made up your mind Princess and I'm glad. To add power to your decision - can I briefly add my story.

I too was 40 when ExH had an affair, DC were 8 and 10. He was more honest than your DH and admitted not only that it had been a physical affair but also that he had wanted to leave and live with her (she lived abroad) but she wouldn't have him. After a lot of soul searching, I asked for some space - I was given 2 days and then he came back asking for another chance. (Really he was missing his home comforts).

Stupidly (and I will regret this all my life) I agreed and spent a further 8 years with him during which time he managed to destroy what shreds of self-esteem I had, succeeded in making me feel second best and implicitly blamed me for his affair. God I was miserable. I asked him to leave after about 6 years but he said the sums didn't add up and he promised to be better - he improved temporarily, but not for long.

After 8 years he left and found someone else and moved abroad. I have never had another partner again or even dated. I am now 62. Please please go whilst you are young and have a chance at happiness with someone nicer.

Use this as your window of opportunity to get what you need from him - which is essentially access to his financial accounts. Dress this up as laying both your cards on the table - him needing to earn your trust!

Print/photocopy/screen shots of everything you can. Gets your ducks fully lined up. Seek legal advice.

Mid life crisis? Erm, nope - cheating bastard that thinks nothing of hitting and abusing his wife!

Don't give him anymore of your life

Kaitlinktm. Thanks for your your words of advice.
you are still young enough to find a new love (if you want to). I hope you now experience the joy and happiness that you deserve, without him in your life.

Have to agree with everyone else I'm afraid. There is no question that he didn't slept with her I'm afraid, and he will defo do it again.

I've been there and worn the t-shirt. It's been hell going through our divorce, however I truly believe in karma and my ex of 24 years now has a newborn baby he didn't want, in the Philippines (he's 50), a girlfriend who is 20 years younger and is an absolute jealous psycho and a new extended family in Manila who he's paying for (including nose jobs!!) Hahahahahaha !!!

I now rejoice in curling up on my sofa at night with my kids knowing that he's living a life of sheer misery !!

Good luck and look for someone better ! X

So he's abusive too. Definitely leave him. You get beaten up and he worships his OW.

No reason to give him another chance. Get rid. He can go to the OW. He just won't want to pay child support or alimony.

See a lawyer and take it from there.

Wellyboots86 funny how they all say it was "just" online, "just" messages then quickly escalates to they "just" slept with her once or it's "just" been going on 6 months! Minimising all the way!

Do make plans To separate but don't reveal anything or much to him of your plans. Get your affairs in order then get him out.

it probably really sucks now, but actually it will be great to have this abusive jerk out of your life. Do NOT give this gaslighting abusive ass any more of your precious time and your DC's precious time!

Well done Princesscharming He will fight it, but keep your eye on the prize and the long term.

Good luck!

Sorry I am not going to add any value here...but have a few questions:

• What is gaslighting?
• Does anyone ever come back from an affair whether it be physical or emotional?

And if he so much as raises a hand to you, then call the police. He's told you not to discuss anything, so you suffer on your own.

Play your cards close to your chest. You can make it clear you haven't decided. Otherwise..... Mums the word.

About 10 years ago I took my ex back after a he cheated on me with verious different woman. We'd had a two year break and he assured me he would never risk our relationship again. a year or two later I found some very grafic sex texts on his phone . He swore blind he'd not slept with the girl. we went to councilling I forgave him and tried to move forward. years later (after we'd got married) he tried to contact the woman again and I found out they had actually had a full blown affair. The full details of his betrayal were very painfull but it was years later and he just managed to sweep the whole thing under the carpet. Despite his constant promises he's never changed, I quite often find sex texts on his phone. I often wonder what my life would be like now if I'd have just walked away when i had the chance. I don't really like the term once a cheat always a cheat but in my DH case it's very true. I think once I took him back I gave him a free pass as there's no real consequences the more he cheats the harder it is for me to walk away because it has become the norm. I know him setting a terrible example to my dcs but equally I don't want to drag them out of their family home. You have to do what you feel is best for you and your dc. But be aware if u do forgive him this may not be the last time he does it.

Geri (from Wikipedia)

"Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or in members of a targeted group, hoping to make them question their own memory, perception, and sanity. Using persistent denial, misdirection, contradiction, and lying, it attempts to destabilize the target and delegitimize the target's belief"

"The term owes its origin to a 1938 play Gas Light and its 1944 film adaptation"

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-signs-gaslighting-in-relationship

Kaitlinktm: Thank you for the article on Gaslighting. I didn’t know what it meant either! That is exactly what he has been doing. He is most definitely a gaslighter!!

princesscharming I've tried to pm you but it's not working

When I found out about my exh I insisted he change jobs...

By the sounds of things this is just another awful thing he's done to you. Insist he prints out a statement of his secret bank account - don't mention divorce at this point if that's the way you think it will go.

TheBlueDog. Not sure why pm not working. Set the account up today, probably not set it up properly. I definitely need to see the other bank account but I don’t want him to get angry. I know he’s a liar and a cheat and I now now that the right thing to do is to call it a day!! It’s so sad! I really feel for you and everyone else that’s commented about similar situations.

but I don’t want him to get angry

This resonates with me too - my ex wasn't violent but his bad temper spoiled things and it made you hesitant to cross him. Yours sounds a bit worse what with the pushing etc you mention (as well as his selective memory).

Just imagine a life where you don't have to consider such things - don't be sad about the future, and don't forget what lessons your DD might be learning from your marriage.

His infidelity has done you a favour actually

AnyFucker - Very true! Although difficult to be thankful for at the moment. I hope I’ll look back with gratitude.

Kaitlin: You must have had to walk on egg shells too!!! It’s awful not knowing what mood he’ll be in or how he’ll react to situations. He’s alienated my whole family and most of my friends.