My husbands affair!

[Princesscharming]

I recently turned 40 and for my 40th birthday present I discovered my husband had been having an affair with someone 10 years younger than me and 20 years younger than him! This has floored my confidence (was already sensitive about turning 40) and left me gobsmacked that the man I thought I knew better than anyone else could do this to me. He claims it’s over and says it wasn’t a ‘big thing’ to him, just a silly mid life crisis. I have seen text message from him to her saying he loves her and he misses her and ‘his heart pines for her’ but yet he claims there was no physical contact. Not even hand holding. I don’t understand how you can love someone and not even have held their hand!
Anyway, he said it’s over and there has been no contact at all since I found out (he works with her) and that he wants me back.
I don’t know what to do, we have a 10 year old DD who loves her Dad BUT what if he does this again (i don’t trust him anymore). And I find out 5 yrs down the line when I’m 5 yrs older!
Throughout the duration of the affair he was awful to me. He’d shout at me and make me feel horrendous, I’d be obviously upset, crying etc and he would continue to say hurtful things. Since I have found out about the affair his personality has changed back to loving caring one.
I’m really confused, has anyone else been in the same situation?

Letsdolunch: I’m glad you haven’t looked back since. Maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel. X

In my eyes he cheated on the children too. He gave up time with them to be with her and was texting her constantly when he was with them - I found out through phone records.
Three years down the line, he misses them so much he is constantly pushing for more and more access.

Same here! Found out about long term P' s dalliance when he texted me by mistake. He claimed it was "nothing" too. I'm still with him atm but I'll never trust him again. Prick! Why do they do it?

He will almost certainly have slept with her and he would have kept on doing it if you hadn't found out.

I caught my husband having had an affair 10 years ago - got the same lies - nothing happened, just kissed etc etc but then he could never remember what he'd told me so kept admitting that more happened that he had originally said. He was also awful to me when it was going on. I thought it was the only time and we could work it out but I later found out our whole life together was a lie. He had cheated on me on and off pretty much the whole time we were together.

Don't waste any more of your life on him. If she would have him he would probably be with her now. Most likely scenario is that he's told her you know and she's shown him that the last thing she wants is a proper relationship with him.

As a minimum you should kick him out of the house and tell him he needs to give you space and show you that you mean something to him. If he is willing to do this and is genuinely contrite, goes to counselling with you and tells you exactly what they did in full (none of this I can't remember shit) then it is possible that he could re-build your trust in him. If you ask him to leave and he won't then he is putting his feelings before yours and minimising the seriousness of his actions and there is probably no coming back from that.

I hate to be brutal, but if i saw texts like that i would not believe that nothing physical happened.
there is a lot of advice over on the relationships board. if you take him back it will be always hang over you. If they work together it makes life even harder for everyone.
sorry i dont have any real advice for you, but i hope you can work things out. He may need to find another job if your happy to stay together.

Oh yes, they all 'haven't slept with her', until you finally find out they have. Numerous times. Mine was another 'nothing has happened' one. Nothing until I had irrefutable proof it had, and then the truth came out. It didn't make easy listening.

Please leave him. I didn't because I was pregnant, had given up my career, so had no income, and no family in this country to help me. I have never felt so vulnerable and alone. It wasn't a good decision, and although he is faithful and outwardly a good husband you can't mend what has been shattered. I'm miserable with him, and keep thinking had I left at the time I'd be so much further down the road of rebuilding my life.

40 is relatively young. Easier to start again then than at say 50.

My friend's ex picked up prostitutes with their dd in his van.
Men are capable of anything. .
Can you check statements for hotel bookings etc?

Word to the wise. Get out now!

You are young at 40 and will still get lots of attention from men, if you so wish to. Don't let him stall you on this.

Tell him to fuck off.

Santawontbelong: OMG! That is terrible, prostitutes with DD in the car!!
My h has a separate bank account that I can’t check!! Convenient!

Why do so many women revert to trying again?

I don't see the point.

He is lying.

Elendon I’m going to take your advice!!

Thanks so much to everyone who has taken the time to comment. You have all been really helpful. X

I'm 6 months down the line from this. I'm sorry OP but they've definitely been sexual (whether penetrative or otherwise).

In my experience, once the trust is gone that's it, too hard to overcome the sense of betrayal I'm afraid.

You are not too old to move on and be happy. Kids are really resilient and will adapt so don't stay trapped in an unhappy relationship "for the kids" as it will only make it worse for everyone (my parents stayed together for the "sake of my happiness" after getting as far as decree nisi and I could tell in hindsight they hadn't been happy for years).

Going through this at the moment. Texts to and fro between them. The two things holding me back from confronting him are that 1) he is being really sweet and involving me in the business and business decisions which he has never done before and 2) we are not married, and I gave up my (long term) rental with my elder DCs when I got pregnant with our joint DD and moved in. Nothing is in my name, I have no savings, and reduced my work hours to look after youngest DD. Financially, I'd be stuffed. I am currently wondering if I can look past this, if I can face the confrontation if I go for it, and if I can ever trust him. I divorced my ex over cheating - he never told the truth, he didn't stop, and one "mistake that means nothing" became 4 until I kicked him out. Forgiveness is unbelievably hard to REALLY do. You can try with counselling - but the hard line is that if he is untruthful now over any part of the affair, you should leave. If he is genuinely sorry he has to come completely clean.

It's an awful situation you find yourself in. I personally think that even if he hasn't slept with this woman then the death blow has been dealt to your relationship. I would find it easier to forgive a meaningless one night stand than an affaire of the heart. If it meant " nothing" then why do his text messages sound like he has fallen in love with her? In all reality it's probably a mid life crisis fling for him that you were never meant to find out about. But because men are stupid ( don't try and argue with me in this point readers, you will never change my mind) they generally cannot help exhibiting out of the ordinary nasty behaviour to try and compensate for the guilt they feel. So they try and make you into the nasty person who is driving them into doing this.
Men really are bastards - they don't look round and think, " wow , I have an amazing wife who is loyal, loving and a great mum and she loves me! We have a home , a solid relationship and a future together" . No, they think " wow!! She's XX years younger then me, and she fancies me! I must be really manly with such virility and a big cock! She can't help herself. My wife?? Oh she'll never know. Anyway, more about my sexual Studliness..........." Etc etc.
Princess only you can decide if you can come back from this one. If he is to stay you need the truth- all of it- and you need to go to relate or similar to help you through this. Don't be afraid to tell your friends and family- you need their support. I watched my mother crumble because she was too ashamed to tell anybody what a twat my cheating dad was. Take each day at a time and either your hubby or his " friend" MUST change jobs. He cannot see her every day, that has to be non negotiable.
However if you feel you can't get past this then tell him to move out and seek legal advice especially re your financial position. Move some money if you have savings so you have enough for a few months as although things can seem very amicable at first things can change very quickly. My heart goes out to you and your child. I wish you much luck and I'm sending you loads of woman strength through the ether.

yorkshireyummymummy I do agree with you but to be fair it works the other way too - cheating women also have the mentality of "ooh he fancies me, I've still got it despite getting older etc".

Anyone with low self esteem (or lack of morals) can spit on a loving partner and throw it all away for a "meaningless thing" whether male or female!

Also princess you need him to have nc with her as an absolute, cast iron ultimatum or there will be no chance of him stopping.

Do you want your daughter to see that it's ok for men to treat women however they like and the women will stay with them regardless? Or do you want to set an example of being a strong, independent woman who does not allow herself to be treated like an absolute mug?
I left ex for cheating when ds was 18 months old and I'm so glad I did. Don't believe a word he says. He's also called lying abd cheating "nothing" which tells you all you need to know.

redforfilth perfectly said! I was told it's "just online fun" and that led to secret breaks away and filming the results (that's how I caught her out in her lies)

Out the door.

Easy.

This is a huge eye opener!!
H told me never to discuss our private affairs with anyone, friends or family. He has not treated me the way a loving husband should for years. Emotionally abusive and very controlling. Because I didn’t talk to anyone about it I thought it was normal. It’s only when you start hearing everyone else’s storey’s that you realise it’s not normal or acceptable.
If it were my DD asking for my advice I’d tell her to get the hell out there. I’d have told her to leave years ago, even before the discovery of an affair.

I would say don't subject yourself to feeling insecure and paranoid after this. You deserve better.

Sorry but he wouldn't have said all that in a text to her if he'd not even held hands with her.

Definitely more to it OP, the only way of finding more out is to play dumb, be nice, make him think all's fine and you are a happy couple once again and all is great with the world...THEN snoop, snoop and snoop until you find out what you need and you will. But best thing is NOT to let on to him.

Bluedog...gosh you're me ...now. Found out 12 months ago, EA so he reckoned but I have no way of finding out but deep deep down I probably knew he did. Around the time other really traumatic things happened in my life and his affair sort of got pushed to the side as I had other things to deal with and we just sort of plodded along, I did tell him that I couldnt cope with breaking DS heart if we split as I just wasnt strong enough (due to other traumas happening) he vowed to put things right and do anything to get us through this. But it's as if now 12 months the fog has cleared and all of a sudden Im addressing it again and I feel myself coming back to it all...I dislike him so much at the moment for the way he's changed my life and changed me. Im nasty, tired, emotional, cant bare to even speak to him sometimes. He's done this to me...he's turned me into a person I just dont know anymore. I know myself Im medically depressed should go on some kind of AD maybe and take a bit of time out but I wont at all because he's made me like this. I still look at the others woman's social media page to see where she is what she's doing etc... 12 months on for goodness sake. The only thing that's stopping me ending it all is my DS it was honestly break his heart...I know in time people say he would be fine but I just cant just cant he would be an emotional wreck

So OP get your evidence otherwise you will end up going crazy..he has lied, he did this to you, he will do it again...

I have two very good friends who have been in this situation. And both their husbands only revealed as little info as they could get away with at the time... but it all came out eventually. There was sex, there was a second Phone, there was secret weekends away. But this all had to be dragged out. Every time the husbands had promised full disclosure. And every time they lied.

I'm sorry you are going through this. But as pp have said, leave.

My h has a separate bank account that I can’t check!! Convenient
Insist that he gives you full access to the account and print out all the statements so you can go through them at your leisure.
Obviously do this before you tell him the marriage is over!