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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure I’ll be able to forgive DH if he resigns

58 replies

Mrsmac2005 · 01/10/2017 17:10

I’m the main earner in our house. We recently moved for my job (DH moved very willingly - no coercing needed). We agreed he would be a SAHD for a while and then find a job.

Jobs are hard to come by here and he was exceptionally lucky to find a job almost overnight when he started looking. The pay isn’t great but it really helps having the extra income.

Problem is he hates the job because it’s high stress. He has basically told me he’s going to resign any day. He has only been there three months.

I have suggested so many tactics for dealing with the work stress (mindfulness, finding a mentor, getting a hobby, give it more time) but he hasn’t tried a single one and just tells me he ‘knows’ they won’t work.

My big worry (as well as the financial pressure if he leaves) is that I won’t be able to forgive him for walking away because the job was stressful. I’ve been in a stressful job myself for 13 years and have cancelled holidays, missed important events, put up with dreadful, bullying bosses, the lot - and not once would I ever have dreamt of walking away (we have children and financial responsibilities!)

I hate myself for feeling like this but I genuinely worry I won’t forgive him for leaving this job without having another job lined up.

I feel like it shows a total lack of responsibility, total disrespect for all my years of work stress and puts all the burden back on me indefinitely.

I love him so much and I know he hates the job so I feel so guilty for feeling this way 🙁

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 01/10/2017 17:14

Tell him.

Tell him are happy for him to change jobs and you will help him look.

But you won't forgive him if he puts your family in a massive financial strain.

Unless it's a real toxic environment and his mh is in trouble that is not unreasonable

MatildaTheCat · 01/10/2017 17:16

Accept that we all respond to stress differently. And different sorts of stress cause different reactions. Instead of your current approach which isn't working even if well meant, how about listening to him and supporting him in finding a new job?

Aderyn17 · 01/10/2017 17:16

If he was my dh I would point out that my own job has bern very stressful but as the main earner, there wasn't the luxury of jacking it in after 3 months. I would also draw his attention to the fact that his resigning to reduce stress will directly increase your stress because of the added financial pressure.

Maybe the solution is that he stays until he finds something else.

All that said, he did relocate to suit you and did do the sahp thing when you needed it, which may have affrcted his oen career choices and does buy him some goodwill.

NeverTwerkNaked · 01/10/2017 17:18

He really ought to try and line up a new job before leaving. It’s much easier to find the next one then. Huge sympahties, it sounds like you are the only adult here

Original poster
Mrsmac2005 · 01/10/2017 17:19

I should have added - he didn’t leave a ‘career’ to move but he did leave a stable, manual job he’d been doing for years (no disrespect meant by not calling it a career - he would say the same about it).

I should have also said that in the last couple of weeks have spent hours and hour with him writing his CV and helping him look for new jobs.

OP posts:
MissConductUS · 01/10/2017 17:21

Ditto to NTN. I've had awful jobs too. You look until you have another lined up and then quit. Knowing that you have a path out should help the stress tremendously.

senua · 01/10/2017 17:24

What sort of manual work was he doing? Was it something he could do on a self-employed/set-up-his-own-business basis.

Tilapia · 01/10/2017 17:25

Agree with previous posters. It's fine for him to start looking for another job, not at all fine (and very unfair on you) to quit without one to go to. Tell him this!

MamaMotherMummy · 01/10/2017 17:25

If you can live without the money and he doesn't have a history of packing in jobs for no good reason, I'd support him in leaving and finding something else. It was your choice to have a stressful career and put up with it. You cannot predict how his mental health will be affected, and the knock on effect that will have on you and the DC.

ajandjjmum · 01/10/2017 17:34

Tell him to resign once he's found a new job.

Oly5 · 01/10/2017 17:37

I'd be fuming. Tell him he needs a new job first! Many people would like to jack in their job but can't.. You have kids

Joinourclub · 01/10/2017 17:42

I think that if you can cope without him working in the short term, then I would support him. It's very hard to summon up the motivation to find a new job if you are very stressed in your current job. Stress is exhausting.

To be it doesn't make sense to say, I'm stressed in my job therefore you should put up with being stressed in your job too. And presumably you moved away from a job he enjoyed/didn't find as stressful because you wanted your stressful job.

BishopBrennansArse · 01/10/2017 17:48

Have you thought about what if he doesn’t forgive you for not supporting him emotionally on this?

Notevilstepmother · 01/10/2017 17:52

I might sure there is no disrespect intended to you.

Lack of responsibility perhaps, but then he may think you chose the responsibility.

I think you need to talk to each other about this now rather than arguing if it happens.

You love him and he isn't happy, does he miss the friends he had at his old job?

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/10/2017 17:53

Have you tight about what if he doesn't forgive you for not supporting him emotionally on this?

Very true. I think you need to try and work at this problem together as you have so far. Is there anything else he could do if he quits to earn money for himself?

TheNaze73 · 01/10/2017 18:06

I think it would be selfish & highly irresponsible of him to resign without anything else being lined up

JoJoSM2 · 01/10/2017 18:11

You don't have much empathy for your husband, do you? Are you resentful about being the breadwinner?
In this situation, I think it's only fair to offer a sympathetic ear and be supportive. However, I would also express feeling strongly about having a new job lined up before quitting the current one.

And being competitive about whose job is more stressful or who can put up with more crap doesn't do any relationship favours.

Butterymuffin · 01/10/2017 18:14

Can he take a day off and go and get signed up with some temp agencies? Then as soon as they come up with something for him, he can quit.

BarbarianMum · 01/10/2017 18:31

Just because you've chosen to do highly stressful jobs over the years doesn't mean he has to likewise. You moved for your work. That's fine. But that doesn't mean that his mental health needs to be sacrificed on the altar of your career.

If you dislike the high stress nature of your chosen career then tackle that.

user1471548375 · 01/10/2017 20:25

I'm trying to look at this from the other side

"We moved away for my OHs job, at first they were happy for me to be SAHP so finincislly it's tight, but we can do it. I've got a job, but it's making me so stressed I'm ill. They're insisting I can't quit until I have another one. WWYD?"

IrianOfW · 01/10/2017 21:17

Is it really better to have two stressed parents in a family?

Longdistance · 01/10/2017 21:31

I quit my job without another.

It may be different as I was off with stress about a year later. Things got worse, so left a year after that.

Best decision ever. I may be home with dc 6 and 8, and they're at school, I don't regret it.

Though 3 months isn't very long tbh,

QuiteLikely5 · 01/10/2017 21:34

Cut him some slack. He needs your support right now. You can try to control him but he will start to resent you for it.

Fruitcocktail6 · 01/10/2017 21:48

I’ve been in a stressful job myself for 13 years and have cancelled holidays, missed important events, put up with dreadful, bullying bosses, the lot

I think you sound like a martyr, no one should be miserable in a job just for the sake of it. You could've found another job if it was that bad. I've been in a job I hate for one month, I've already found another and handed my notice in. Life's too short for shit jobs.

It's not your DH's fault you cancelled holidays, be supportive ffs.

Aria2015 · 01/10/2017 21:54

My husband hated his job and I wished I’d encouraged him to leave sooner. Instead he stuck it out and he got to the stage where he wanted to harm himself because he was so unhappy. Luckily he didn’t, but in the end he quit without another job to go to and found work before his notice period was up.

Mental health and happiness trumps everything. If he’s not the kind of guy to just jack in a job in for no good reason, then listen to him and support him.