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Original poster

Not sure I’ll be able to forgive DH if he resigns

58 replies

Mrsmac2005 · 01/10/2017 17:10

I’m the main earner in our house. We recently moved for my job (DH moved very willingly - no coercing needed). We agreed he would be a SAHD for a while and then find a job.

Jobs are hard to come by here and he was exceptionally lucky to find a job almost overnight when he started looking. The pay isn’t great but it really helps having the extra income.

Problem is he hates the job because it’s high stress. He has basically told me he’s going to resign any day. He has only been there three months.

I have suggested so many tactics for dealing with the work stress (mindfulness, finding a mentor, getting a hobby, give it more time) but he hasn’t tried a single one and just tells me he ‘knows’ they won’t work.

My big worry (as well as the financial pressure if he leaves) is that I won’t be able to forgive him for walking away because the job was stressful. I’ve been in a stressful job myself for 13 years and have cancelled holidays, missed important events, put up with dreadful, bullying bosses, the lot - and not once would I ever have dreamt of walking away (we have children and financial responsibilities!)

I hate myself for feeling like this but I genuinely worry I won’t forgive him for leaving this job without having another job lined up.

I feel like it shows a total lack of responsibility, total disrespect for all my years of work stress and puts all the burden back on me indefinitely.

I love him so much and I know he hates the job so I feel so guilty for feeling this way 🙁

OP posts:
cheeseismydownfall · 01/10/2017 22:35

Everyone has different abilities to cope with different types of stress in the workplace. Just because you have been able to cope with stress doesn't mean that your DH can do the same. Obviously if he was a workshy manchild you would be completely reasonable to expect him to step up, but you say he's been in a steady job for years and so that isn't what is going on hear. I think you have to listen carefully to what he is telling you and find a solution together, because if his job causes his mental health to suffer it might have a much bigger long term impact than if he leaves his job now. Just because he was willing to make this move to support your career doesn't mean that he isn't allowed to find it hard now. If he has been happily doing the same job for a long time perhaps he has underestimated the difficulties in changing jobs, and no amount of mindfulness will help if he is profoundly unhappy. I do understand your position too though, and I think the idea of doing temping as a compromise isn't a bad one.

timeisnotaline · 01/10/2017 22:39

I think I would set a time before he quits just in case he doesn't find another job, I'm not sure it's fair to expect him to continue with no end in sight. I'd support him in taking a few sick days to help him cope - mental health days. Im sure he can think of some physical symptoms of stress if he has to go to the gp for sick days.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 01/10/2017 22:40

You spent hours and hours writing his CV? Don't you mean he spent hours and hours writing his CV and you spent a little time reviewing it when asked?

RonSwansonsMoustache · 01/10/2017 22:46

Why have you stuck with your job for years if it’s so bad? You obviously enjoy it if you’ve moved your entire family for your career, so it can’t be that awful.

I would support him. He gave up a steady job and income for you - he shouldn’t have to be stuck in a job he hates on top of that.

MillicentFawcett · 01/10/2017 22:56

Well it's easy for him to resign because he knows you'll carry on putting food on the table and paying the mortgage. He needs to grow the fuck up

W0rriedMum · 01/10/2017 23:06

He should resign when he has found a new job. I'd say the same if he was a woman too.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 01/10/2017 23:13

YABU.

I left a job at the end of last year that I was very unhappy with. It was making me ill I was so stressed.

DH couldn't have been more supportive; he took on extra hours at work and advised me to quit for my own mental wellbeing.

I was out of work for several months and for those several months he was doing six day weeks just so we could get by.

I'm now in a job I love and am very happy with. It's thanks to my DH that I'm at this point and I'm so very grateful to him.

It would have been detrimental to our marriage had he resented me for wanting to quit a job that was making me ill with stress.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 01/10/2017 23:14

He needs to grow the fuck up

And if the job makes him so ill with stress that he gets signed off, will you still say he "needs to grow the fuck up"?

MillicentFawcett · 01/10/2017 23:16

I'm a single parent WhatToDo. Some of us don't have the luxury of stopping working because it's a bit hard

MillicentFawcett · 01/10/2017 23:17

And you're projecting. You don't know that he's being made mentally ill by it, just that he'd like to quit.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 01/10/2017 23:20

I'm a single parent WhatToDo. Some of us don't have the luxury of stopping working because it's a bit hard

It's nothing to do with luxury. I couldn't work for many years, and absolutely nothing could have changed that.

When we had nowhere to live because we had no money and had to rely on DHs only wage, I still couldn't work nor at that point even face signing on for ESA.

It's nothing to do with luxury at all.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 01/10/2017 23:20

You don't know that he's being made mentally ill by it, just that he'd like to quit.

I said "if".

CaretakerToNuns · 01/10/2017 23:25

He doesn't care about you, OP, or your children.

He's willing to shift the financial burden to you and only you just so he can sit on his backside all day doing bugger all. You deserve better.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 01/10/2017 23:27

He doesn't care about you, OP, or your children.

He's willing to shift the financial burden to you and only you just so he can sit on his backside all day doing bugger all. You deserve better.

What a load of nonsense. Where on earth did you get all of that from?! Confused

Minidoghugs · 01/10/2017 23:32

Your Dh was supportive of your career choice in moving and gave up his own job for the move. So I think you should be supportive of him if he is struggling with the new job. Clearly you can afford for him to not work and be a sahp even though it's tight. You were ok with that when it benefited you so you could move quickly for your job. So I think you should be supportive of him and say you are concerned about money so you would support him in changing jobs and if he really can't cope with his current job in quitting and resuming his job search, but you wouldn't be happy if he went back to being a sahp long term.

cricketqueen · 01/10/2017 23:45

He moved for YOUR job.
YOU don't want him to quit even if it's making him stressed.
It's all about you.
Instead of having a go at him why don't you talk to him, encourage him to look elsewhere. He can't help it if he's stressed, you might be able to cope with stress but he can't cope as well and that's ok. You sound resentful of being the breadwinner and it's leeching into your opinion of his feelings towards his job. Don't become a martyr.

MadamePomfrey · 01/10/2017 23:50

A few questions you said you had planned for him to be out of work for a while, how did you plan to cope with the financial pressures during this time? You say dh is low paid how much is the difference between what he earns and what you are spending in childcare? And finally and most importantly how would he react if you wanted to leave your job as it was too stressful and making you unhappy??

Personally I think you were ok with him being a SAHP when it suited your career move how can you not when it is to improve his stress levels?? You have no reason to think he won’t actively look for another job, and you had planned to be with out an income from him for s while anyway!

I understand your point about being in s stressful/difficult job but have you ever discussed with him the option of you finding something else??

As pp have said I’d be as worried about he he feels about your lack of support as how you may feel to him leaving!

Original poster
Mrsmac2005 · 02/10/2017 01:29

Thanks all for your perspectives.

I probably came across a horrid, unsympathetic old cow when I wrote that but I’m really not. I have tried everything (short of telling him to just leave and it’ll all be fine) and we have talked and talked and talked about it (and yes, to the PP that mentioned it, I did write his CV for him).

My heart is breaking that he’s not happy and I half want to tell him to just leave the job and never go back and everything would be fine. It’s the other, pragmatic half of me that worries about how i’ll feel if/when he leaves.

I can’t pretend I’m not worriedly that 6 months down the line, if he doesn’t find another job, or if money gets tight, I will find myself bitter and angry and resenting his decision. I also feel that trying to stick with it might be better for his self-esteem and career prospects in the long run and that one day he might be glad he stuck it out (or not??)

That said, it’s killing me to see him miserable and stressed.

I just can’t bring myself to say ‘darling, if you want to leave then it’s no problem, it’ll all be absolutely fine’, when deep down I don’t know that it’s the right thing.

So bloody torn on this!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrsmac2005 · 02/10/2017 01:31

Forgot to add that a couple of weeks ago we came up with a plan where he would job search up until Christmas and if no luck and he still hated his job, he would leave.

A few days later he told me he didn’t want to do that and was going to resign anyway.

OP posts:
WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 02/10/2017 01:37

I also feel that trying to stick with it might be better for his self-esteem

No. He's unhappy and stressed; it will not be helping his self-esteem. It will simply get chipped away at bit by bit.

I just can’t bring myself to say ‘darling, if you want to leave then it’s no problem, it’ll all be absolutely fine’, when deep down I don’t know that it’s the right thing.

Surely the right thing is that the person you love most in the world isn't being forced to stay in a position where they are miserable and stressed?

Forgot to add that a couple of weeks ago we came up with a plan where he would job search up until Christmas and if no luck and he still hated his job, he would leave.

Sounds like you came up with that plan and he went along with it to please you, then went back to work and realised he can't cope with it.

Another three months being miserable and stressed is not okay.

A few days later he told me he didn’t want to do that and was going to resign anyway.

Good on him. He sounds like he's had enough of being forced to stay miserable after moving for your job in the first place.

Yakari · 02/10/2017 01:49

Out of curiosity has he gone from a manual job to something more 'career' orientated? You implied this current job gives him more of a chance in that direction long term. I'm also wondering if you wrote his cv did you orient it more towards 'career' roles?
I guess what I'm asking is there a chance that the move of area has also shifted him from manual to office based? And he's just not that person. Also was that his choice or did you push him in that direction?

Could be this is making you realise he will never be a career person, so the onus will always be on you to be the main bread earner - and so stuck in your own stressful job and are you ok with that?

Look whatever way this goes - it won't get better without talking about it, in depth and being really honest about what you both want your life to look like now and long term. Neither of your feelings trump the others so you run the risk of one of you feeling resentment. You have to have a really open discussion.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 02/10/2017 02:05

How much effort has he put into getting another job?

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/10/2017 06:21

I think the sticking it out til Christmas isn’t actually a bad plan. When dh and I moved abroad with his work, he hated his job, wanted to resign. I told him he for his own credibility with his firm, he really needed to stick it out for 6 months and see what would happen. As if turned out, it was recognised he wasnt right for the role and as the business was expanding, was moved to another country. I’m not saying this is going to happen with your dh, but, sometimes we need to perservere and perhaps there will be a job more to his liking within the country.

If here really can’t stick it out, then ask him what his plan would be. I think right now, he’s upset because you do seem to be parenting him instead of acting as his wife.

Whattodo clearly Millicent wasn’t talking about illness and your comments are twisting her words. I’m not able to work either. We could also be thrown out on the streets and it still wouldn’t change this situation. I do, however, have the luxury of being able to stay at home and pay for treatment privately because my dh has a great job.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/10/2017 06:23

That should say “perhaps there will be a job more to his liking within the company.”

RonSwansonsMoustache · 02/10/2017 08:03

Was he happy about leaving his job behind to follow you and your career dreams?

I think you’re being harsh on him. He had a steady job and a steady income and gave it all up to follow you. He’s now unhappy in his new job and you want him to stay unhappy because it wouldn’t be fair on you.

What about his feelings? Or don’t they count because he’s not the main breadwinner?