Not sure I’ll be able to forgive DH if he resigns

[Mrsmac2005]

I’m the main earner in our house. We recently moved for my job (DH moved very willingly - no coercing needed). We agreed he would be a SAHD for a while and then find a job.

Jobs are hard to come by here and he was exceptionally lucky to find a job almost overnight when he started looking. The pay isn’t great but it really helps having the extra income.

Problem is he hates the job because it’s high stress. He has basically told me he’s going to resign any day. He has only been there three months.

I have suggested so many tactics for dealing with the work stress (mindfulness, finding a mentor, getting a hobby, give it more time) but he hasn’t tried a single one and just tells me he ‘knows’ they won’t work.

My big worry (as well as the financial pressure if he leaves) is that I won’t be able to forgive him for walking away because the job was stressful. I’ve been in a stressful job myself for 13 years and have cancelled holidays, missed important events, put up with dreadful, bullying bosses, the lot - and not once would I ever have dreamt of walking away (we have children and financial responsibilities!)

I hate myself for feeling like this but I genuinely worry I won’t forgive him for leaving this job without having another job lined up.

I feel like it shows a total lack of responsibility, total disrespect for all my years of work stress and puts all the burden back on me indefinitely.

I love him so much and I know he hates the job so I feel so guilty for feeling this way 🙁

I'm sorry but I am on the side of your DH.
You agreed he could be a SAHD for a while, he got a job straightaway, which says to me that you were / (are?) financially in a position to be able to afford this.
It's not tit for tat- he's unhappy and you choosing to be willing to put yourself under stress for your job doesn't mean should. Some people are happy to do this, some aren't. A healthy relationship should prioritise both party's happiness.

Cut him some slack and give him some support.

Whattodo clearly Millicent wasn’t talking about illness and your comments are twisting her words.

My point was that if you stay in a job that you are highly stressed in, it can quite easily make you very ill and unfit to work. That would not help the situation; only inflame it.

(Oh and my previous comment on the bullshit of "luxury" that always comes up on these types of threads stands. I'm not reiterating it again for you.)

WhatToDo - if I were so ill I couldn't work, then I would HAVE to get ESA.

I'm sorry you were so ill but you have absolutely no more idea than I do about whether the OP's husband is on the verge of a breakdown or if his new job is just a bit more stressful than his old one.

Until (and if) the OP comes back and confirms one way or another, then we won't know.

We do know however that the husband was happy to move, that he wasn't bothered enough about working to even write his own CV and that he isn't prepared to find another job that might be less stressful. He just wants to quit now.

I'm sorry you were so ill but you have absolutely no more idea than I do about whether the OP's husband is on the verge of a breakdown or if his new job is just a bit more stressful than his old one.

I know. That's why I'm saying that constantly being highly stressed day in day out can lead to illness, and not that it absolutely will or has in this situation.

we do know ... he couldn't be bothered to even write his own CV and that he isn't prepared to find another job that might be less stressful.

Incorrect. She said she spent hours and hours helping him with it; not that he couldn't be bothered to do it.

I don't know about OPs DH but there was no way I could have been looking for another job while so stressed and miserable at my old one. It was making me too ill to have any time to.

It was only after I'd quit and had a couple of weeks to both mentally and physically recover that I could start job searching.

So he left his job that he'd been in for years, for YOU? Time for you to show him some support back. I would find it hard to forgive my DH is he put this kind of pressure on me

If my husband was as miserable in his job I wouldn't be able to stand watching him walk out the door everyday. Life is too short. Maybe time for you to shoulder a bit more responsibility and give the poor man the break he needs to find something that isn't draining the life from him. I would be horrified if my husband saw me as wage earning potential and not a person in my own right who deserves to be feel happy and fulfilled.

Accept that we all respond to stress differently.

Agree with this. If you budgeted for him to be a SAHD for a while, I guess he is thinking there is money in the budget for this. Is he too tired/ stressed/ unhappy to find another job whilst he is working?

As PPs have suggested, I think he should consider staying in his job until he finds another one because it's generally easier to get another role when you're already employed.

As a few others have said, there are lots of people who don't have the luxury of giving up work for a while because they don't like it - we just have to work hard on finding something else in the meantime if you can't afford not to work. However, there aren't many of us who would stay in a terrible job if they could afford to,

In your situation, it sounds like you're both in disagreement as to whether you can afford for him to have a period of not earning.

It also sounds like perhaps you're not massively aligned on his career aspirations either, and from what you describe, it sounds like you're both pulling against each other and contributing to each other's stress.

If any couple were a candidate for marriage counselling, it's you two.