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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cheating husband

65 replies

Micaella · 29/09/2017 17:13

I met my husband in the UK 4 years ago when I was 19yr after one year he was deported back to Algeria. I decided to stay with him and would visit him in Algeria whenever I could, we eventually got married in Algeria last year and I am currently pregnant. We started proceedings for his family visa application however last week I found out he cheated on me and slept with another girl, he also has lots of girls on snapchat which have nude and disgusting videos/pictures of themselves. I just cant believe he cheated while I am 37weeks pregnant and nearly giving birth I feel so shocked, hurt and alone. On top of it he denied the whole thing and when he eventually admitted it he said it wasnt a big deal what he did it was just a one night stand. I told him I can no longer be with him, he said ‘okay thats fine but could you carry on with the visa application so I can get to the UK so that I can be there for the baby’. I just feel like I shouldn’t do him any favours after what he’s put me through I feel so stupid and used, but at the same time Im the only chance he has of coming to the UK and I dont my daughter to be without a father. Can anyone offer advice, thank you.

OP posts:
SparklingRaspberry · 29/09/2017 17:17

Gunna be honest, do you really think he wants to come to the UK for his daughter? You don't think there's any other possible reason he's desperate to come here?

I mean, he wasn't thinking of his daughters happiness when he was shagging other women...

He doesn't sound the most respectful man on earth. He doesn't see an issue with what he's done. Do you want this type of person to be a role model for your daughter?

Personally I'd be telling him he's had his chance and he blew it. If he wants a visa he can go about it another way but you'll no longer be involved

magoria · 29/09/2017 17:19

Sorry I think he only married you to get the visa.

As soon as he is over here you and your DD will not see him for dust.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 29/09/2017 17:23

Just what the others said. This man is using you. I wouldn't want him anywhere near my daughter.

Undercoverbanana · 29/09/2017 17:29

I wouldn't want a man who receives disgusting photos of girls on snapchat anywhere near a child of mine, even if he was the father. Do you really want that kind of man around any child? I would be scared what he would do with own daughter if he thinks looking at other men's daughters in disgusting pictures is acceptable.

Big red flag.

Stella08 · 29/09/2017 17:31

As others have said and also if he is here and is actively involved in your baby’s life I would be terrified he might decide to take the child back to his home country without your consent. My STBXH is Nigerian (already naturalized before we met!) and this was a concern for me when we split.

Let him get his own visa if he’s that bothered about seeing his child.

Good luck OP

Offred · 29/09/2017 17:31

I think you are wrong, your marriage is not the only way he can get a visa.

When your daughter is born he can apply for a visa based on being the parent of a British citizen.

This is what I would leave him to do.

Applying for a visa as your spouse would either require you to be pushed into taking him back or it would require you to lie on the application - bad idea.

If he is that bothered about his daughter he can make his application himself.

minmooch · 29/09/2017 18:18

Do not do it.

He is using you to get into the uk.

He does not care about his child. If he did he would not be sleeping around.

You are very young - he is using your inexperience of life to get here.

You will need to grow up quick and show your daughter that her mother is strong. That is the best chance she will have and the best thing you can do for her.

Moanyoldcow · 29/09/2017 18:28

I agree with PP - he's been using you all along for a visa.

Time for a divorce. Leave him to fend for himself - you owe him nothing.

Thebluedog · 29/09/2017 18:49

Afraid I agree with everyone else

You need to concentrate on yourself, if he's serious about wanting to see his dc then let him sort the visa out another way

iogo · 29/09/2017 18:51

Don't do it. You'll never see him as soon as he gets here.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/09/2017 19:04

He doesn't give a shit about you or your baby. Trust me that your life will be SO MUCH BETTER if he can't come to the UK. Refuse to help him with a visa.

Aperolspritzer123 · 29/09/2017 21:06

Let him stay in Algeria! You have a perfect opportunity to ditch this guy without that much work! Take it!

PeterBlue · 29/09/2017 23:37

You are being used OP. If you help him get a visa once he's in the country I will bet ready money that you will never see him again. Refuse to have anything to do with this. Plus, if he does come in, will you be able to prevent him taking your DC back to Algeria should the fancy take him to do so?

SandyY2K · 30/09/2017 00:09

He's using you to try and live in the UK. Dont help him. Stop the application process . My knowledge of the culture in Algeria (from friends and other angles) ...is that it really isn't a big deal when men cheat and that will always be his attitude.

Deathraystare · 30/09/2017 08:09

‘okay thats fine but could you carry on with the visa application so I can get to the UK so that I can be there for the baby’. I

Well, he would get what he wanted then, wouldn't he (not to see the baby but get a visa application. Can you stop it?

Original poster
Micaella · 30/09/2017 08:43

Well at the moment we have just applied to have his deportation order removed, once that is done we planned on applying for his visa.

But if he was using me why would he want to have a baby?

OP posts:
BrieAndChilli · 30/09/2017 08:50

A baby just further cements his application. I assume it was him who persuaded you to have a baby??
It is a well known method of getting a visa, get someone pregnant and claim residential status for family reasons.
Just being married means that if you split up he could still be deported but having a child means he can stay forever as his visa would be tied to them not you.

Fishface77 · 30/09/2017 08:58

Op. he will use you for a visa.
Best case scenario you'll never see him again.
Worst case scenario he will abduct your child and you'll never see her again. He will use her as a weapon.
Your choice seems like no choice.

minmooch · 30/09/2017 09:01

Because as others have said it will help his case to stay here in the uk.

He does not love you or the child. Do not do this.

MiniTheMinx · 30/09/2017 09:04

I'd be inclined to get myself home to the UK, stay with family. Sell up and move where he will never find you. I'd even change my name if I had to. I would refuse to stay there, and I would refuse to apply for his visa. Ok, you can't then divorce, but hey ho, plenty of time for that later.

Scrumptiousbears · 30/09/2017 09:05

Sorry OP. Don't be a mug. He's after a Visa. You will not get your happy ever after from him.

LittleBooInABox · 30/09/2017 09:15

Don't help him! All he wants is the visa. There will be a string of new women once he gets here. Remove your name from the application.

Finola1step · 30/09/2017 09:19

Are you legally married in the eyes of British law?

jeaux90 · 30/09/2017 09:22

I'm with everyone on this. Dump him, get back to the UK and start making plans for being a lone parent. Trust me, it's way easier than being in a relationship with an asshole. Go and get your support network sorted and don't support his application.

greendale17 · 30/09/2017 09:25

OP wake up.

He used you to get into the UK