Success stories of going it alone with DC after leaving an abusive relationship?

[dorsetnightrider]

I'm 27 weeks pregnant and have made the decision to leave my abusive and alcoholic husband.

We have no money, no assets, and I have no savings of my own. I'm moving back to my mums house who doesn't live in the U.K. so I'm leaving behind friends and my beautiful dog who I can't bear to look at because I just start crying at the thought of leaving him.

I know I'm doing the best for my unborn child but I'm completely petrified of doing this all on my own.

Anyone come out the other side with positive stories?

Anyone?

I've not been through this myself but have seen many women on this site make the same decision as you. And they come back later and say their lives have been so much better without the constant fear and anxiety of living with an abusive partner.

You are absolutely doing the right thing, as huge and scary as it feels. I'm so sorry you have to leave your dog behind

I am free. Free from all the stress and the worry. Free from the fear. No longer walking on eggshells. And I smile. Every. Single. Day

You are doing the best thing, absolutely 100%. Don't look back. Don't doubt yourself.
Practically, although you don't realise it, you are in a better position now than further down the line. Take it minute by minute, hour by hour.
Look for support, but trust in yourself. Try and do something tiny each day that brings you a little Joy, even if its just painting your nails, reading a book. Focus on your lovely baby, you are changing their future for the better with your actions. That's a fact. Hold your head high, you are dodging a bullet.
Just get to your mum's, use her support, sort everything else in bitesize portions. good luck.

Thanks all.

I just feel like I've wasted so much time and so many years pretending to be happy and hoping things would return to how they were in the beginning of our relationship. I gave him so many chances and I feel like an idiot because I thought "this time would be the last time" and then he picks up another drink or yells at me to get out of the house because I'm a cunt.

I'm sad for my baby. She (we found out it's a girl) was very much wanted and planned and now she will come from a broken home without a dad.

I think I just need to keep hearing that I'm doing the right thing.

You are absolutely doing the right thing.

If you stay:
Your baby girl will learn that being called a cunt is something she should put up with and she doesn't deserve a man who cherishes her and loves her and cares for her.

Your baby boy will learn that he can call his partner a cunt.

They will experience extreme stress living with an unpredictable and abusive man, and their mental health and schooling will suffer.

And apart from anything else, you deserve better.

I just feel like I've wasted so much time and so many years pretending to be happy and hoping things would return to how they were

I'm so glad you've made the decision not to waste even more and to protect your baby from that.

You're one hell of a woman. You'll feel doubt ir like you can't do it at times, being in an abusive relationship will have lowered your self belief. You CAN do it and you and your baby will be infinitely happier

now she will come from a broken home without a dad

He wouldn't have been a good, loving dad though. And her home now will be safe, loving and stable. You're giving her what she needs to be happy and well adjusted.

You are absolutely doing the right thing.

I left XH when DS1 was 16 months and the damage he caused was enormous, he witnessed my last beating by XH and I swore never again.

I spent 4 years putting myself back together, just me and DS1 against the world, and it was blissful just not to be scared or walking on eggshells. It was hard at times too, but never as hard as being with XH.

10 years after leaving the prick I’ve been with DP 6 years, we have 2 more kids and DS1 and I wouldn’t change a thing. Except I’d have left before DS1 was born, like you’re doing.

Never doubt yourself, you and your DD are what matter. You CAN do this and you WILL do this, and have a happier and more fulfilled life because of it. Well done OP!

Thanks everyone. I'm tearing up.

Absolutely dreading the conversation I have to have with him tomorrow once he's sobered up but today was the last straw - he was drunk and angry (angry because I woke him up and encouraged him to continue applying for jobs rather than drinking on the sofa) and punched the wall right by head. He's never been physically abusive but I know that's how it starts. His drunken rants I can put up with but not physical rage.

Much luck OP - you've been really brave and are making the right choice.

FWIW I grew up with my mum in a terrible relationship. It was awful. I was miserable and wondered daily why she didn't leave him.

'Broken home' better than 'abusive home' any day of the week.

Left my ex when I was pregnant with dd2 and moved back to my own country- best decision I ever made. 10 years down the line, both dds are happy and secure, I have my own home, a job I love, and nobody wakes me up in the middle of the night by throwing bottles at my head. Just do it op! I met so many wonderful people who helped me put my life back together- that alone helped me recover.

Yes abuse always escalates, first name calling, then punching walls, then punching you.... And so on.
There's always something worse to pull out of the bag for your next argument. You don't owe him a conversation, or a discussion.
You are brave, but you are also strong.

Barbara is right, it inevitably escalates so you are absolutely doing the right thing. Can you have someone with you tomorrow? Or do it over the phone where he can’t hurt you if he does erupt?

Golden and notreally I hadn't thought about that actually. When he's sober he's an incredibly sensible and rational man so I have no fear that he'd become aggressive but then again I've never had THE conversation with him. I'm quite close to his AA sponsor and I know his AA sponsor will look after his emotional needs and try and persuade him not to head off to the pub to drown his sorrows so I could ask him to be present (and he knows our relationship has been very rocky due to H's drinking).

I just don't get my husband at all. He's been trying very hard in the AA program so I stuck by him for longer than I should have but it's obviously not working for him or taking it seriously enough.

Don’t be too hard on yourself, you’re leaving now and that’s what you need to focus on. You are very strong and determined and you have made the right choice for yourself and your DD. No Dad is better than one she is afraid of or traumatised by.

His sponsor sounds like a good person to have around, if you want to do it face to face. If you don’t, that’s ok too. Your safety and your DDs safety are paramount here.

Hi OP, it is scary and stressful, and I am sorry you're having to leave your lovely dog. But your job as a mother is to protect your daughter - being an amazing role model to her so that she grows up with self respect and never ever lets someone treat her less than she is worth. That is the gift that you are giving her... you are an amazing mother already!!
I am 8 months post separation with 2 dc - I have never been so happy and neither have my kids. I'm just sorry I let it go on so long. I didn't want my kids growing up in a 'broken home' either - nobody wants that, what you have to realise is that you can't change someone else's behaviour, you can't fix him - what you can do though is protect your lovely daughter.. you are doing the right thing!!! Everyone will tell you that.
Be careful though please, don't tell him alone. Get some back up... keep posting on here for support we are all behind you x

I'm also bitter and angry that I'm walking away with nothing because the idiot made some dodgy investments and I'm literally starting from scratch with less than £50 in my bank account and a baby on the way.

I'm bitter because his ex wife had the foresight to leave him when he was minted and walked away with a mortgage free house and £250k cash.

I know it's so so silly to dwell on that but I can't help it.

God I'm such an idiot. For years I thought I was making the right decisions and stuck by him when he needed help.

Thanks for the hand hold everyone. I really need it! Just imagining what my new life is going to look like and I'm really scared. I never wanted to be a single mother and this is not how I imagined life would turn out.

Yes, this is typical of the situation you are in, the ex wife left and got her fair share, so he makes sure the next woman can't leave by ensuring she is always financially screwed.
Fuck him and all his type.
Riches aren't always measured in cash. Your situation is temporary, think about your skills- please remind yourself of everything good about you. You have been in an abusive relationship, so your self esteem will be on the floor. But my bet is that you're an intelligent woman who has wasted too long dealing with this man and all his life shit. This has drained your energy/ your creativity/ your ability to visualise the possibilities for your future. You will get more clarity and answers when you are no longer in such a negative environment. One step at a time.

On the upside, thank god you are able to leave whilst pregnant, to your mums country. It would be so so so much harder to make a new life for yourself if the baby was already here (even a shit dad with no interest in the baby can still make it extremely hard for you to leave once the baby is born, mess you around by demanding contact time he doesn't turn up to, drag you through court again and againetc etc)

Thank you Barbara xxx

You're right flop! I'm glad I've made the decision now. Can just imagine him stomping his feet saying I can't take his daughter out of the country and would try and stop us. It's now or never for me.

Your new life with your baby girl starts NOW! Fuck him!!

It's so hard. I love him so much this is the hardest decision I've had to make. I know I'll look back in a few years and think how glad I was to have left but that seems so distant right now because I know it's going to be shit starting all over again from nothing.

Can't sleep as I have a headache so venting here while I cuddle my little dog for company.