Success stories of going it alone with DC after leaving an abusive relationship?

[dorsetnightrider]

I'm 27 weeks pregnant and have made the decision to leave my abusive and alcoholic husband.

We have no money, no assets, and I have no savings of my own. I'm moving back to my mums house who doesn't live in the U.K. so I'm leaving behind friends and my beautiful dog who I can't bear to look at because I just start crying at the thought of leaving him.

I know I'm doing the best for my unborn child but I'm completely petrified of doing this all on my own.

Anyone come out the other side with positive stories?

One of the best things I've ever done. Eight years on I am a totally different person, unrecognisable.

She will not come from a broken home, and that's thanks to you. She will come from a safe, loving and secure home. If you had stayed then she would be growing up in an abusive home, which is the most broken I imagine a home can be.

Buy a copy of the book Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Order it now and read it when it arrives. It helps.

Please be careful about speaking to him in person about the break up. It might actually be safer just to leave and send him a message - note, telephone, email. If you really feel you must do it in person please for your physical safety have another person with you. Aggressive men can often go much further than they ever previously have at the moment they realise you are serious about leaving. It's a very vulnerable time. Please don't be fooled into thinking that the aggression is something which is only linked to alcohol, because alcohol simply does not change the brain chemistry to that extent. If he's capable of aggression when drunk, he's capable of aggression when sober - just because you have never seen evidence of this, it does not mean that he will not ever be. Your safety (and your unborn baby's safety) is ultimately more important than sparing his feelings or being seen to "do the right thing".

Good luck, and keep posting.

Thanks Bertie I'll look for that book on Amazon now.

He's still drunk and angry from yesterday so no idea how I'm going to tackle him today. Anything I say to him it just won't get through and his sponsor won't come over knowing he's in this state.

I left my ex 3 years ago next week. He drank too much, controlled everything to the point I had to literally beg for money off him or just take it out of his wallet. He didn't like me seeing my friends or family and wasn't supportive at all when I was 25 week pregnant and my dad passed away. He used to go out and not come back at all for a few days. Towards the end I was horrible to him and only doing things for myself and my daughter, so he wouldn't want me around.

Fast forward to now and I'm happy, I have a great relationship, I see my family and friends often and my dd is thriving.

The first few steps of leaving are hard but you will be building a better future for you abs your baby. Good luck xxx

Why do you have to tell him today? You could make all your plans, book your flight and tell him just before you leave.

I’m worried he will react badly and you still have to live with him. Or he will persuade you that he will change and you end up having the baby here and never escaping because he will use your baby to control you.

You don’t have to tell him today. You don’t have to tell him face to face at all, if you’re worried or concerned about his reaction. Make your plans and go, then tell him. He’s treated you appallingly.

Ok thanks everyone! I've been talking to my mum and we're trying to get me on a flight for 2 weeks time. I need at least 2 weeks here and pack and ship my stuff plus find a home for our dog.

I guess I just pretend like everything's ok and until I jump on the plane?

That sounds like a good way to go about it. Your stuff is just stuff. So much better to do this now than drag your DD through any more of this nightmare relationship.

I left my partner when I was pregnant and I've raised my DS on my own. There's nothing to be gained by staying in an abusive relationship and whenever I read stories about abusive men attacking their wives and children, I feel so glad I pulled my DS out of that kind of danger. DS has never had contact with his dad (and I've been careful not to introduce him to lots of strange men) but he has a great relationship with my dad and brother. I had £200 and no income to fall back on, but in the UK there's a decent safety net and we managed fine with council housing and income support.

Personally I never put myself through the stress of telling my ex I was leaving him. It was just easier and quicker to pack and go while he was out. When someone behaves abusively, they don't deserve the courtesy of being told.

Are you taking the dog? You could get a pet passport meaning no quarantine requirement and some airlines take animals.

Seriously on stuff - it may be safer to condense down what you can fit in a suitcase and just take that.

No I can't take my dog :( he has an EU pet passport but my mum doesn't live in the EU and lives in a country with strict quarantine laws. I contacted a pet transport agency and was quoted over £2,500 to ship him over after his quarantine period. I just can't afford that. I've been cuddling him all day today and I can't bear to leave him behind but I know I have to. Just thinking about it is making me tear up.

After all the grovelling and self-loathing last night when he finally sobered up, he went and had a drink this morning (one of those miniature bottles you buy from the off-licence)!! 😳

I kicked him out of the house. Did I do the right thing? I'm annoyed I lost my temper and feel sorry for him because it's wet and rainy outside.

Good for you x

You did completely the right thing OP. Don’t feel sorry for him, he made his choices (to disrespect you and your child), and you made yours (not to be treated that way or allow your DD to be treated that way). If it’s wet and rainy then that’s tough shit.
How are you doing?

Oh no I'm so sorry about your dog :(

Yes I think you'be done the right thing. If nothing else it makes your other tasks easier. Is his name on the house?

I am thinking - maybe you break up now, kick him out, sort all your affairs and make arrangements to move, sell house/end rental contract/remove your name from his share and then leave him to it. It would separate the move from the break up which might make it into less of a huge undertaking.

Bertie we are renting and stuck in our lease until next year. I've asked the landlord previously if we could leave by way of mutual surrender and he said no we are obligated to see out the lease. It's only H's name on the lease.

Notreally not great, just sat in the park with my dog thinking what to do next.

You are already in a broken home. You will be fixing it by leaving.

I've been a single mum for 6 years, leaving the abusive asshole was the best decision I ever made.

It's so much more peaceful, happy and "normal" and way better than being in a shot relationship.

I'm sorry about your dog.

You're right jeaux I'm so fed up with walking on egg shells and being his No. 1 fan, encouraging him and supporting him and being there for him only to have it thrown back in my face every time.

We're both back home now and he's walking around slamming doors and calling me a bitch and just generally being an unpleasant prick. Nothing I say, comforting or otherwise is helping. He says he just wants me to leave him alone to sleep on the sofa. It's Sunday Funday at our house!!

Dorset he sounds bloody awful.

Marriage is not an alter you sacrifice your life on.

You and your baby deserve a better life than this.

Six years on and my lovely dd is happy and well adjusted. Positive role models come not just from parents but from extended family and friends so don't feel like you are breaking anything, you are fixing it by going. X

Ah okay so if it's only his it's easier for you to leave, despite that being a massive pain in other ways!

Then prob just a case of setting wheels in motion quietly in the background, tell him at the last possible minute or leave first tell later if you at all can. Unless you have anywhere to stay in the meantime.

Would he keep the dog or would you be worried about its safety? I do think if you contact a dog shelter they'd understand and be able to rehome for you if none of your friends can take him in.

dorset, I don't post very much on these threads but I just wanted to tell you, you are doing the right thing and will be fine. More than fine, in fact - you will be happy and safe and so will your baby.

I left my xh when ds was 10 months old. Xh was an alcoholic, with a drug problem, violent, financially abusive, unfaithful, etc. You name it. My life sometimes felt like an episode of Jeremy Kyle. I went to live with my parents and never ever looked back. Ds is now a kind, gorgeous, clever, happy, well-adjusted teenager; we are very close. When he was 8 I met dp, and the three of us are a strong, happy, secure and loving family together.

Leaving xh wasn't easy but I have never, for a single second, regretted it. I don't consider that my son comes from a broken home - I believe that by leaving I mended it. Good luck.

I’m sorry things are so rough for you

Just because it’s right, doesn’t mean it’s easy.

You can do it. 13 years ago I left with 2 under 2s,it has sometimes been hard,but always better than living with a man,whose sport it was to abuse me.
I retrained have a great career,my own house and 2 fantastic teenagers who have grown up in peace and freedom.Its worth it xx

Just wanted to say you sound incredibly strong and incredibly brave. It may be hard now but you are absolutely doing the best thing for your unborn child. So much better for her to grow up with a stable, loving and most importantly happy mother than in a home where you are unhappy and her father is abusive. It's great you have your mum supporting you. Lean on her, you can do this. Your daughter is so lucky to have your in her corner.

Ps can't believe he is calling his heavily pregnant wife a bitch...what an absolutely horrid man.